by Sharon Kleve
He kissed my forehead before he left. That could’ve been our last kiss. He should’ve at least given me a goodbye kiss with a lot more tongue and slobber. But it was a lousy forehead-peck—what a rip off.
My mom thought it was sexy that Steve was a cop. If he was a car salesman and had to go back to work she wouldn’t have understood. Tears leaked down my cheeks and that made me even angrier at Steve. My mom had a key to my apartment and I didn’t want to explain why I was upset. To avoid the drama, I popped two Vicodin and went off to never-never land. When I surfaced from my drug induced stupor, my mom murmured softly, “Honey, a couple of your friends called while you were asleep. I left the messages on the counter.”
Could Steve have changed his mind already? I’d never been that lucky. It was Kitty and Brenda checking in and wanting to reassure me they notified my work that I wasn’t coming in. I’m glad somebody remembered.
“Mom, I’m doing a lot better. You can go home. I’m going to go to work tomorrow.”
“Okay honey. You look a lot better than you did when I got here. I love you. Call me if you need anything.”
“I love you too.”
After my mom left, I heard Pete chuckle. How could I have forgotten about that rascal?
“Man, you’re a colorful mess. I thought you weren’t coming home. I was about to eat a hole in your couch. You’re lucky your friends fed me. They can’t understand me, but I could tell they were upset about something that happened to you. Did you get in a car wreck?”
“No, I was in a bar brawl.”
“Normally I’d think that was cool, but you’re starting to grow on me.”
“I’m going to bed. Do you need anything?”
“I’m good, but I missed tormenting Ralph today. I’ll have to make up for the lost day with a truly diabolical prank.”
“No, absolutely not! See you in the morning and please refrain from eating my furniture while I’m comatose.”
CHAPTER TEN
I tried to wake... I knew it was all a bad dream, but I couldn’t seem to surface from it.
“Corny, today will be your first day back to work since your bar fight. I noticed you have a bunch of painkillers left. Why don’t you give Ralph a dose and he can sleep the day away, while you get caught up on your work? Medication is easy to hide in a donut. You told me Ralph loves donuts from Round Rock bakery.”
“I told you, no more pranks.”
“He didn’t even call you to see how you felt. If he’s nice to you, then you can give him his donut and look like a nice secretary. If he’s in an evil mood, you can give him the painkiller and he can sleep the day away.”
Okay, let’s see what kind of mood he’s in. “Good morning Ralph. How are you this morning?”
“I needed copies made and you weren’t here to make them.” He stomped his foot.
“Ralph, would you like a donut from the Round Rock bakery and a nice hot cup of coffee?”
He sneered and said, “Huh. What kind of donut?”
“It’s a chocolate éclair—your favorite. Go sit down and I’ll bring it with your coffee.” I delivered it on a pretty paper napkin. It disappeared in two bites. He licked his fat fingers, then slurped his coffee.
Ten minutes later, we checked on him and he’d almost slid out of his chair. I duct taped his forehead to his chair and rolled him over to the small conference table. As a nice gesture on my part, I occasionally wiped the drool off his chin.
I woke with a start and craved a donut. I would have to keep an eye on Pete today and make sure he didn’t grab any of my pain medicine.
***
I arrived an hour early and Ralph arrived one hour late and the first thing out of his mouth was the stupidest he had ever spoken, “Hey Red, since I’m going to have to be here every day, I’d like you to start wearing super short skirts to work.”
“Ralph, that request is considered sexual harassment. You may call me Corny or Ms. Myers. Those are your only choices. Got it?”
“Yes Ms. Meyers… I’m going to lunch.”
“But Ralph, you’ve only been here ten minutes.” He was gone before I could ask when he’d be back.
I’m sure he had numerous emails that needed responding to. I took it upon myself to answer them on Ralph’s behalf. By the end of the day I’d made it through all of his inbox and deleted a bunch of his junk mail. We made progress—I mean I made progress. He didn’t call or come back.
***
On the way home from work I got an unwanted little surprise from Pete.
“Hey Corny, we get along great, right? Can I stay with you forever?”
“Pete, I’m not in the mood to talk about this right now. But, you’ll go back to Kari’s when she gets home.”
“I hate to break this to you, but you’ve been tricked. Her sweetie pie doesn’t like me and I overheard him telling Kari to guilt you into keeping me. It’s a good thing we get along so well…”
“Crap.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
That night I called Brenda and Kitty to see if they knew of any single, cute guys I could date. They understood, but were disappointed that I hadn’t tried harder to get Steve back. I explained the ball was in his court.
They had known me forever and knew that I covered up my hurt with sarcasm. Who knows, Steve might still change his mind, but I’d make him pay dearly for making me cry. He would have to kiss me silly.
“Call the poor guy, I know he likes you. I saw the way he looked at you when you were asleep. Are you sure you have to be a pet detective?”
“Pete, finding missing pets is the only thing I’ve ever been good at. I’m not giving up my dream.”
“Okay, but Steve was right about one thing: you did get the begeezez beat out of you in the bar. Maybe he knows a good self-defense course you could take.”
“I’ll call him. But what if he’s out on a date or doesn’t want to talk to me? It’ll crush me.”
“Suck it up, you’re going to be a pet detective. You can’t cry all the time.”
After I firmed up my chin, I dialed Steve’s cell phone. It rang a couple times and I almost chickened out and hung up, but he picked up at the last minute.
“Hey, Corny. How are you feeling? How’s the lump on your head?” Steve asked with real concern in his voice.
“I’m okay, but I still have a bad headache.” Understandably, I was a little nervous, and I blurted out, “You were right about me getting my butt kicked the other night.”
There was a big, happy sigh on the line and then Steve spoke before I could finish what I wanted to ask him. “Oh honey, I’m glad you changed your mind about being a detective— I mean, a pet detective. I’ve missed you.”
Crap. Steve thought I changed my mind. “You’re right, I got my butt kicked the other night and I can’t have that happen when I’m a pet detective. I’m calling to see if you know of a good self-defense course I could take.”
I heard another big sigh, but this one was impatient. “It sounds as though you haven’t changed your mind about your new profession.”
“Can we sit down and talk more about this, please? Then you might understand why I need to do this.”
“I keep seeing you hit your head on that wall. Why can’t you keep the job you have now? I wish you were like other women who want the guy to take care of them.”
“That’s sexist—you’re a guy and I’m a girl, and I’m not supposed to be able to take care of my little ol’ self. Is that it? I went back to work and Ralph didn’t even comment on my injuries.”
“Well, Ralph’s an idiot, but that’s not the point. You got hurt because the dirt bags were more brutal than you. Dirt bags steal pets too. What’s going to happen when you run into them? I won’t always be there to feed you saltines.”
Frustrated, I said, “Are you going to recommend a good self-defense course or should I Google one? How’s this for a search? ‘Needed: a big, strong man to teach a girly-girl how to protect herself’?”
“Knock it off; if you’re serious about this then I’ll check into it and get back to you. Do not Google a self-defense course; there are a lot crazy people out there. Goodbye and take care of yourself, Corny.”
“That didn’t go too well, did it?”
“No, it didn’t. I miss Steve and my heart hurts.”
“I’m sorry. I’m going to bed. Things will look better tomorrow.”
Steve had emailed a recommendation; it was short and to the point.
Corny,
Here’s a link to Emerald City Center Aikido.
www.emeraldcitycenteraikido.com.
The guy who owns the place is an ex-cop. Please be careful and take care of yourself,
Steve
I clicked on the link and it said the beginner classes were held on Wednesday and Friday nights from 6:00 p.m.-9:00 p.m. There was a hundred dollar monthly fee, but you could quit at any time. Now all I needed to do was figure out what I should wear to my first class. The website advised you to wear comfortable and breathable clothing. I was a beginner but I needn’t look like one. If I left now, I could still get to Pacific Place Mall. They have a store that sells clothing for yoga, dancing, running, and most all sweaty pursuits. If anyone could make me look good, it was them.
***
I felt glad I brought my outfit to work because by the time I finished all my work and Ralph’s, it was too late to go home and change for my first self-defense class. If I got beat up too bad, I’d eat half a dozen cupcakes. If the store was out of cupcakes, I’d purchase a whole cake.
Emerald City Center Aikido was in a relatively new business complex behind Target in North Seattle. It was ten minutes to 6:00, and I had plenty of time to check out my classmates. The perky receptionist was named, ‘Barbie.’
Last Halloween I needed a pirate hook for my hand and I found a cool website called www.fakebodyparts.com. Barbie had more fake parts than the whole website put together. Her body was voluptuous, but her voice was high-pitched and sweet, like a child’s.
She greeted me, “Welcome to Emerald City Center Aikido.” She sounded like Marilyn Monroe on helium. “We have several new students starting tonight and since you’re not Gary, you must be Corny.” She giggled, of course.
I kept my cool and replied, “You’re right, I’m not Gary.” I softened my reply with a little laugh too. “Ha ha.”
“My name’s Autumn, but everyone calls me Barbie. I work here part-time while I’m going to night school. I’m getting a kindergarten teacher degree.”
It was the perfect occupation for her. She’d fit right in and happily give those little boys their first hard-on.
“Let me show you around. You’re going to love your instructor, Greg—he’s the best ever.” Barbie cooed.
We all stretched and were ready when Greg walked into the room. All the women stood up straighter and stuck out their chests and the men sucked in their bellies. I was an over-achiever. I did both.
“Class, stand in a straight line,” he commanded. He then pointed to a chubby older lady. She was maybe in her mid-fifties, and hadn’t dyed her hair in a very long time. She was going for the tight, curled perm look. My grandmother had the same look and it didn’t look good on her either. He brought her to the front of the room and asked gently, “What would you do if an assailant attacked you with a knife?”
The group jostled for a good position in line to watch the show. I’ll never forget the look on that poor woman’s face—terrified, red and slightly sweaty. All of a sudden she swung her arm way back and went for a sissy face slap. Super Greg quickly moved out of range. You could tell she was disappointed that she missed him; he placated her with sweet praise. “Good job. Now go back in line.”
Greg looked at me out of the corner of his eye. I took the opportunity to wink at him. He must have thought I was cute because he winked back. Guilt that I’d winked at Greg and heartache over Steve hit in unison.
Greg moved forward and then behind me. The next thing I knew I was flat on my back. He was a speedy devil. He said, “This is a move you use when the attacker comes at you from behind. Normally you would try to avoid that by turning toward the attacker, but that’s not always possible. Corny, turn around and show me what you would do,” Greg instructed as I got up off the floor. My butt hurt already. Cupcakes, here I come.
My unique ‘when men attack’ move came to my mind and I thought I had an ace up my sleeve. My brothers taught me this move at an early age—when I grew boobs. If I performed this move and successfully brought Greg to the ground, then maybe Steve would realize I could take care of myself. Of course, I didn’t have any practical experience using it—my brothers wouldn’t let me near them.
Per their instructions, I reached for his thumb and tried to bend it backwards. The next thing I knew I was flat on my back again. That was where I spent the majority of the class. I think I failed. Maybe I didn’t do it right.
An hour later the chubby lady and I could barely walk to our cars. She said, “My husband asked me to take this class. He wants to make sure I can take care of myself.”
“Your husband sounds like a great guy. I don’t know if Greg’s class is right for me. I might not come back. I thought I’d maybe meet a guy here, but no such luck.”
“I don’t know if you’re interested, but I met my husband through an online dating service.”
“Really, which one?”
“YouCupid.com is where we met. You should give it a try.”
“Thank you.” It worked well for her. I might give it a try if Steve didn’t call soon.
CHAPTER TWELVE
When I left the class, I felt pretty low. I thought a single layer chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and little colorful sprinkles would help my mood, but not my hips.
While in the store’s checkout line, I noticed an enormous selection of self-help books. I’d never been into meditation or homeopathic stuff, but a particular book caught my eye. It was called, ‘The 10 Steps to Happiness.’ It was only $3.99 and it was a small book in large-print letters. Could this book change my life? The self-defense course sure hadn’t. In the parking lot, I dipped my finger into the icing, while I thumbed through the ten amazing steps that would change my life forever.
Once home, I poured myself a jumbo-sized glass of milk and cut myself a huge slice of cake and sat down with my book. It was a great cake, moist and rich. Was it possible to have a love affair with a single layer chocolate cake? It wouldn’t hurt my feelings or forget to call. Okay, I ‘d gone a little wacko. A half hour later, I realized a book wouldn’t change my life. I needed to take charge and stop whining about missing Steve.
***
Normally I’d go to the gym on Saturday morning, but I’d had a pretty good workout the night before. I put a load of laundry in the washing machine and let Pete out of his cage to romp around.
“Girl, you were on a major chocolate binge last night. If you truly want Steve back you’ll need to cut back on the cake. Your infamous metabolism is shirking its duties because I saw cellulite on your ass last night.”
“Hey, when did you see my ass? I locked your cage before I went out last night.”
“I have my ways. Besides Kari has more dimples on her butt than you do—if that helps.”
“My head is ringing, I need to sit down.”
“It’s not your head; it’s your phone, you ding-bat.”
When I heard Steve’s voice, I nearly wet my pants. “Hey Red, I heard you were on your butt most of the night… ha ha.”
“You’re funny, Steve. I gave it a try. I’m not sure Greg is the best instructor for me. I might try s
omewhere else.”
“Why? Did Greg make a move on you?”
Steve sounded jealous. Good. “No. Besides why would you care? You dumped me.”
“I didn’t dump you. You’re going to start a profession that’s dangerous and I can’t see you get hurt again. I have to go. Take care.” I heard a click and whispered, “Goodbye” to a dial tone.
I thought I’d check out the online dating website that the chubby lady recommended. I had nothing better to do. I wanted to get Kitty’s advice before I signed up. I called her and she got the blow-by-blow story about me spending the class on my butt.
“God, that’s funny… Give the dating service a try. The first thirty days are free, right? Besides, maybe Steve will find out what you’re doing and beg you to come back to him.”
“Yah think? I miss his kisses.” I hoped Kitty was right.
Pete was more than happy to help me with my profile. His ideas and my ideas were completely different though:
“Schedule the dates for every two hours, that way you can weed out the losers. I think it’s called speed-dating.”
We found several potential dates for next Saturday night and all of them were available. I sent each of them a message and by the end of day, I had six dates lined up. The strange thing was, not one of them questioned why I made the dates for only two hours. Could I actually date six guys in one night? It’d be a challenge, but I was up for it.
“I know this was my idea, but I’m surprised you’re actually doing it. I hope it turns out okay. You won’t blame me if it’s a disaster, will you?”