I moved thoughts of Tina aside. I didn’t want to think about her, or what could have been.
But a grandfather—maybe he’d help me with dragon management.
The idea made me smile, just a little.
“Maybe,” I said. “If I phrase it as dragon management, or something like that. He’s pretty closed off in terms of sharing.”
Margrite burst out laughing again. Twice in one day was some kind of record.
“Are you drunk?” I asked.
“No, but I think a drink would be nice. No, I’m just stressed all over the place about your… situation.”
I laughed with her at that. “Try living with it.”
“I am!”
I laughed harder.
She hit my arm. “You think it’s so bad being you? Try dragging your ass around!”
“I’m sorry,” I said when I’d gotten out my humor. “I think your manner of handling the stress is getting to me.”
“What, totally lost control?” She teased.
“Yeah. It’s making me crazy like you. I’ll be suggesting a tarot reading shortly.”
“Hey, don’t make fun. I’ve never heard her talk to anyone like that. I mean,” she added, “Not that I listen to other people’s readings. But she was worried for you, I think.”
“Worried I wouldn’t pay, maybe.”
“You’re all kinds of stressed, and still an asshole,” Margrite got up. “OK. What’s the plan, oh guru?”
I didn’t answer right away.
“Uh-huh,” she muttered, heading toward the bathroom. “Got lots to say, and not a plan in sight.”
More muttering as she walked in and closed the door.
It was a good question, and it made me crazy I didn’t have a good answer. It was apparent that something had to change, or I wouldn’t be able to get beyond the city limits. But what?
Hey! I concentrated on the image of bars, and a dark cavern. Something about that made me think that was where the guy with the voice resided.
I forced myself to wait.
Aodan?
Yes. I want to talk. I need your help.
Of course, you do.
Well, I do.
Very well. What do you want?
Great. He was all shitty now.
I want to manage how and when I shift.
Silence, and then laughter. It wasn’t the fun laughter between Margrite and I, either.
Those who shift can and do work for years to master their ability to shift. And you wish to learn it right this moment?
How would I know that it’s a long process? How do people not kill themselves? The thought of not being able to manage this scared me more than anything I’d heard or seen lately. And honestly, nothing had really scared me, not even the shifting—well, OK, when I actually shifted, and saw myself as a dragon, that did scare me—but I’d assumed this could be managed and my inability was merely a matter of lack of knowledge and basic skill.
All of which could be learned.
But what he was saying—that it would take years? I wouldn’t last years. Somewhere, sometime, someone would see me, would report me to—I didn’t know who you’d report this kind of thing to—and I would be finished. I’d be hauled away to some secret government lab, and that’s where I’d die.
OK, maybe I read one too many end of the world books. But wasn’t that what the government whoever did to people who didn’t fit the mold?
I laughed to myself a little. This was definitely in the category of didn’t fit the mold.
Those who have the ability to shift are identified early. I would guess that being around humans for so long delayed your shifting.
He sounded thoughtful, and somewhat less douchey.
Aren’t you human too? When you’re not a dragon?
Silence.
I am not human.
What the hell are you? Because I am definitely human.
No, Aodan, you are not human. Not entirely.
What am I?
Maybe I’d get him to tell me a little something. Was he saying that mom wasn’t human? That would be great. I’d love to hear something other than the fact that she was a druggie who met the inevitable druggie end.
There is some human in you, but you are fae and dragon.
I’m what?
Fae. Your father was half fae, half dragon. Your mother was human.
So I’m only half human?
Yes. And part fae and dragon.
The dragon I get. What is a fae?
Fae are the people of the Fae Realm, the people who rule the Fae Realm over all, and the Goblin Realm. A fae man is also on the throne in the Dragon Realm.
I could hear some anger creep into his words at the end there.
So how do I manage the shift? All this talk of Realms, and people ruling... not helping me any. Right now, that was my priority.
How do you manage the shift? He mocked me. Sorry for boring you with the history lesson.
There’s no need to be shitty. I’m happy to learn history, but my pressing concern is not going dragon in the middle of a crowd of people. I don’t know how it is there, in the realm or whatever, but here, you do not pop in between a human and a dragon without causing problems for yourself.
What problems are you having? His manner changed abruptly.
Thankfully, none, but luck doesn’t hold that long. I need a plan.
I can appreciate that, he responded, and I could hear the pleasure in his voice. I’d passed some sort of test, apparently.
So how do I manage this? I can’t have people knowing I’m… I’m what I am.
He was silent and I could feel that he was considering my words even if he didn’t want to hear them.
No one liked to hear the bad. But he was a dick, and he needed to hear it.
You might think I was extraordinarily forceful, given that I needed something from him. But I did need something from him. And I was going to get it. One thing that I’d learned was that people really didn’t enjoy saying no to someone else. People wanted to be seen as the good guy. Even where I lived now. People said no because they had to, they felt they couldn’t say anything else.
It was why Margrite and I trusted only each other. Because everyone else would sell you out in a heartbeat for what seemed like pennies.
I can help you, I finally heard in my head.
That’s why I’m asking for your help, I thought.
More silence. My instinct was to push, but this guy was touchy. Maybe it wasn’t a surprise that this was my family, that is, if he was telling the truth.
Very well, he said. What do you need?
I need to know how to manage this, and then we need to meet. You have things to tell me. Things I need to know.
I made myself sound firm. I didn’t want him to know that I was really nervous, in a way I hadn’t been in a long time. I was also annoyed. Wasn’t he the one pushing to meet, telling me he’d help me? And now he was acting all reluctant?
We will need to pick a safe place to meet. Somewhere that I can come through and not attract undue attention.
What do you mean, come through?
I’m not in the same place as you, boy. You’re in the Human Realm.
I hated this side of him. He sounded contemptuous. It made him sound like a complete dick.
Let me see where we can find some privacy.
Do you not have a dwelling? He asked.
Who the hell spoke like that? I mean, really.
Not at the moment. You’ll have to deal.
I was tired of his attitude.
Very well, he said again. Let me know when you have secured a location.
I could feel him exit my thoughts. This must be what it felt like when I practiced shutting the door.
“Yeah, I’ll do that,” I said out loud. I wasn’t sure I wanted to meet someone who was so shitty even if he was my grandfather.
First things first. I needed to find a private place.
10
; It took me two days of prowling around the warehouse district, searching to see which ones weren’t in use, or being squatted in. It’s harder than you might think. Two days of camping out in the hourly no-tell motel when I wasn’t out searching. Margrite was going spare being stuck there.
But finally I found one. I spent most of the second day sitting in various places around entrances to the warehouse, waiting to see if anyone came in, or around, or near it in any way.
No one did. I figured this might work.
At the end of the second day, I crept in, and spent time exploring. I didn’t want to be surprised when my mysterious grandfather came on through from wherever it was he was.
There was no one here. It was a dump, which explained why. It was also perfect. No one would notice anything because there was no one around. I planned to invite him in evening hours since one of the neighbors was open for business during the day.
Once I’d finished going through the place, I thought about what he’d said about controlling the dragon. I couldn’t have a part of me that took over that I wasn’t aware of. I couldn’t black out every time I shifted.
We shift when it’s safe, he’d said. We control our shift.
That must mean there was a way to control this, make it part of me? Since there didn’t seem to be any chance of getting rid of it.
What had made me change? Trying to leave the city. So… stress? I was stressed now, and there was no sign of a tail.
Okay. I took a deep breath and concentrated. I’d seen myself with consciousness as a dragon. Not for long, but enough that I knew what I looked like.
You’re part of me, I thought. Let’s bring all the parts together. Because the separate parts sure as shit aren’t getting on an airplane, and that is the ultimate goal.
I closed my eyes and imagined myself as I’d briefly seen me. Tall, a bright, glorious blue. Margrite said I had green eyes, and I already knew how low and rumbly my voice became. I had claws, too. Impressive ones.
I pictured me, and I could feel the scratch of smoke in my throat that had been with me since I’d pulled the job at Caleb’s warehouse. Every inch of my skin tingled, and I felt… something. My eyes flew open as I held out my hands and looked down to see… my hands.
No claws in sight.
Damn it.
How was it that I changed at the worst possible moment, and I couldn’t manage it now?
I closed my eyes and envisioned myself again.
It was as though the dragon stood right in front of me… he—I—was there! But when I opened my eyes again, it was just me in a dirty warehouse.
“All right, damn it,” I muttered. I closed my eyes, and I thought about my body making a shift. I didn’t remember actually changing. I had no idea what it would be like. As I thought about it, I wondered if it would be painful.
Then, in a flash, I saw her.
A woman, dark-haired like me. She was beautiful, and I could tell that she wasn’t happy. I don’t know how, but I could tell. She looked up, and I saw—-
Nothing. My eyes opened.
“What the hell was that?” I asked the empty room.
All I wanted was simple, easy, and direct. Every move I was making made things more complicated and made no sense.
The woman, beautiful though she was, had no bearing on my here and now. I needed to start to get a handle on the dragon—on myself. I was the dragon. The dragon was me. That was the first step. Me and the dragon were the same.
I was a dragon. I, me—not he, or it. I.
My mind was having a problem with it. I scrubbed at my eyes with one hand.
Then I closed them again and concentrated on seeing the dragon side of myself.
There was no getting around it. Part of me was a dragon.
Without warning, I felt a—stirring? Shifting? In my bones. Oh, wow. This didn’t hurt, but it felt really, really weird.
“WAIT!” I shouted.
My eyes flew open and my concentration fell to the floor. But it needed to. If I changed right this moment, then my clothes would be torn to bits. I didn’t care about my jeans and shirt. I tended to wear all black and stuff I got from the thrift store. But my coat? The coat I’d carried around since I was a kid? The coat that belonged, so I was told, to my father? The coat that came with a note and carefully wrapped? I still had the note and the wrapping.
No, that couldn’t be ruined.
Well, shit. Did I need to get naked?
I didn’t want to risk it, but this was something I’d have to manage, too. One more thing to ask the grandfather guy about. I really hoped he’d tell me his name at some point and stop keeping secrets.
I took off my coat and piled my clothes on top of it. If I could get my dragon shit together, I’d need to start carrying a bag with extra clothes in it. What a fucking pain in the ass.
Okay. Please don’t let anyone come in here, I thought. This place was a dump, and abandoned, but it would be my luck these days that I would be in here all naked and exposed and someone would come strolling in.
Normally I had better luck than that, but I wasn’t counting on it at this point.
I closed my eyes, ignoring how cold my ass felt with no clothes on. While I was thinking about the fact, I’d need more shoes, too, just in case—the tingly, weird feeling returned, and I could tell that something was happening.
The urge to open my eyes was almost overwhelming, but I fought it, and kept the vision of me as a dragon in my head.
There was a pop, like a grape had just exploded. It knocked me out of concentration, and I opened my eyes.
When I looked down at my hand, it was blue and ended in a claw.
“Yes!” I shouted.
Okay, growled. Roared. I could feel the reverberation of my voice in the open space.
Aodan!
Jeez, not even two seconds to enjoy my own newfound dragon-ness.
What?
You’ve done it? You’ve shifted of your own accord?
This was the nice guy voice. Guess all I had to do was a change on my own? That kind of pissed me off.
I have. I kept my excitement muted. I didn’t want to share it.
That is wonderful! Do I see right? You saw another?
How the hell did he know about the woman?
I see a lot of things I don’t get, I thought.
There is much to tell you. I am sorry I have not been as forthcoming. There are forces that are working against us, and I must be careful how I share like this.
He sounded apologetic.
Yeah, well that’s not a lot of help to me right now. I have to keep my shit together and try not to get killed—
Who is trying to kill you? Have you been contacted by others?
I’m contacted by people all the time. I don’t know what you mean by others.
There was silence.
I waited, but it stretched on and on.
Do not worry about the others, he said.
I could sense the shift in tone immediately.
Why not?
It was amazing. I could pay attention to the crazy in my head, and I could hear everything. There were mice, or rats, running around the warehouse, and I could hear every one of them. I could smell them, too. And other things. Holy shit, did this warehouse stink.
Because the others do not matter. Humans, fae, dragons—they don’t matter.
Wait. Others like us, other dragons, don’t matter?
No. I know this makes no sense, but it will become clear once I explain.
He was right. It didn’t make sense. It also made me really uneasy. There was something in his words, something that wasn’t right.
I’d known that all along, but I didn’t want to admit it. And now while in dragon form, I couldn’t ignore it. It was like someone was screaming in front of me.
You’re not being honest with me, I thought.
What do you mean?
I could hear surprise from him.
I can tell. You’re lying to me someh
ow.
If you mean that I am not telling you everything right now, you’re right. I’m not. We must meet, and I need to see if you can be trusted.
If I can be trusted? I felt my anger rage up within me. If I can be trusted? I didn’t invade your head, asshole!
I must be careful.
No sign of any apology now. I could picture someone flip me the bird.
Yeah, well, that makes two of us. Go away.
No, Aodan. You cannot indulge as though you’re a child. We must meet, and then I will explain everything.
Yeah, if you can trust me, I thought bitterly.
I couldn’t explain why, but the thought of having to prove myself to someone claims to be family pissed me off to no end.
You will understand once I explain.
If you do.
If I do. If you persist in behaving like a child, then I shall treat you as such.
Fucker. I pictured the door shutting, just so I could bitch to myself about what an ass this guy was. Just when I thought he might be decent—every time I did, in fact—he showed me that he was kind of a douche bag.
Great. Did I even want to see him?
I didn’t want to if only to spite him. But he had info, and I needed info. Even if I never saw him again, I needed to understand how this happened, how or why I was like this.
Then I could decide.
I allowed the door to open.
I am a child, I thought. According to you. And you’re dropping a lot of shit on me all at once. You haven’t been kind or gentle about it. But I’ll meet you. Then you can decide if I’m whatever it is you think I need to be.
Good. That is the mature decision. When shall we meet?
Tomorrow night. I think I’ve found a place.
Go there and shift. I know you haven’t shifted on your own—
What? He kept talking, but my head was whirling.…
I shall focus on your location, and will join you.
It took me a minute. Had I imagined our earlier conversation?
Um, yeah, okay. I’ll be at the place, and I’ll call.
I hoped that was what he said.
Good.
Then he was gone. I could feel the lack of his presence in dragon form in a way I didn’t as a human.
What in the ever-loving hell?
Did we not just have a mind meld kind of thing about the fact that I shifted? How had he forgotten that fairly important fact in such a short period?
Dragon Lost Page 10