by Jeanne Safer
The contributions of this innovative thinker, who was himself insecurely attached to the psychoanalytic movement and was often at odds with his colleagues, have influence far beyond the immediate focus of his work. Trauma studies, the psychology of mourning, and the relational approach to therapy that dominate current contemporary psychodynamic thinking owe much to him.
3. Swiss psychiatrist C. G. Jung (1875–1961), Freud’s most famous disciple and heir apparent who became his bitter opponent, called his own method analytical psychology. Instead of sex and aggression, he emphasized spiritual development and the study of “archetypes” manifested in myths and dreams to put people in touch with the “Self” and tap into the human legacy of wisdom he called “the Collective Unconscious.” His most accessible works are Man and His Symbols (New York: Random House, 1989), and the autobiographical Memories, Dreams, Reflections (New York: Doubleday, 1964). Jungian thought has had profound influence on the humanities; Joseph Campbell and Thomas Moore are among his popularizers. Ted was undoubtedly attracted to Jungian therapy because he was seeking a narrative of his life and an understanding of the compelling—Jungians would describe them as “numinous”—dreams that had always symbolically expressed emotions he could never verbalize.
4. A term Jung created to describe phenomena that occur by coincidence but are meaningfully connected.
10. Love Is Stronger Than the Grave
1. Stekel, whom Freud expelled from the psychoanalytic movement in 1912, advocated “active analysis,” a briefer form of therapy in which the analyst interacted more with the patient than in classical Freudian (known as “orthodox”) technique.
2. Kohut focused on the development and maintenance of a person’s sense of self; his rival Kernberg, who remained in the more traditional psychoanalytic camp, emphasized the role of conflicts between love and aggression and how significant relationships are internalized.
11. Love Him, Hate His Politics: How a Liberal and a Conservative Stay Married
1. S. Iyengar and S. J. Westwood, “Fear and Loathing across Party Lines: New Evidence on Group Polarization,” American Journal of Political Science (2014), doi:10.1111/ajps.12152.
2. J. R. Alford, P. K. Hatemi, J. R. Hibbing, N. G. Martin, and L. J. Eames, “The Politics of Mate Choice,” Journal of Politics 73(2): 36279.
12. Recovering the Good from a Love Gone Bad
1. Harry Guntrip, “My Experience of Analysis with Fairbairn and Winnicott,” International Journal of Psycho-Analysis 77 (1996): 739–754. Here, in his own words, is how Guntrip (1901–1975) recalls the revelation: “He [Winnicott] enabled me to reach extraordinarily clear understanding that my mother had almost certainly had an initial period of natural maternalism with me as her first baby, for perhaps a couple of months, before her personality problems robbed me of that ‘good mother.’”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Everyone I interviewed for The Golden Condom deserves my gratitude for the generosity and candor with which they shared their intimate experiences. I am especially indebted to my patients, who for the past forty years have taught me about love in all its guises.
Kaja Perina, the editor in chief of Psychology Today, gave me much-needed wise counsel in the initial stages of this daunting enterprise. Dr. Douglas Mock, evolutionary biologist and emeritus professor at the University of Oklahoma, served as my first science officer, providing a witty and accessible tutorial on the neurological substrate of love. Dr. Anne Hallward, creator and host of Safe Space Radio, introduced me to remarkable people and encouraged them to tell me their stories. She has been an invaluable resource, both personally and professionally. Dr. Nina Smiley and Bernadette Miles were my emotional bulwarks throughout the process.
My heartfelt thanks to my colleague Jennifer Irvin, LCSW, for bringing to my attention revelatory contemporary psychoanalytic work on obsessive love, which greatly deepened my understanding and helped me interpret aspects of my own experience that had been opaque to me.
My husband, Richard Brookhiser, read and heard every word I wrote, often in multiple iterations, and offered his expert, clearheaded advice at every turn. The description of my youthful follies did not faze him.
The enthusiasm and skill of my agent, Michelle Tessler, is precious to me. The help provided by Peter Horoszko, assistant editor at Picador, went far beyond the call of duty.
This book could not have been written without the inspiration and the gimlet eye of Stephen Morrison, my nonpareil editor. His empathy, expertise, and dedication brought out the best in my writing. The experience of working with him has made this, my sixth author-editor marriage, worth the wait.
I am dedicating The Golden Condom to my coach, Terry Laughlin, founder of Total Immersion Swimming, who has taught me invaluable lessons about living, both in and out of the water.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jeanne Safer, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City, is the author of five books, including The Normal One, Cain’s Legacy, and Beyond Motherhood. Dr. Safer has appeared on The Daily Show and Good Morning America as well as numerous NPR broadcasts. Her work has been the subject of articles in The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal. She blogs for The Huffington Post and Psychology Today and is, most recently, a contributor to Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids (Picador, 2015). You can sign up for email updates here.
ALSO BY JEANNE SAFER
CAIN’S LEGACY: Liberating Siblings from a Lifetime of Rage, Shame, Secrecy, and Regret
DEATH BENEFITS: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult’s Life—for the Better
THE NORMAL ONE: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling
FORGIVING AND NOT FORGIVING: Why Sometimes It’s Better Not to Forgive
BEYOND MOTHERHOOD: Choosing a Life Without Children
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CONTENTS
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT NOTICE
DEDICATION
AUTHOR’S NOTE
INTRODUCTION
PART I: HOPELESS LOVE
1. Leaving Unloving Lovers and Unfriendly Friends
2. Of Human Bondage: Obsessive Love
3. Vengeance Is Mine: The Dark Side of Rejected Love
4. Betrayal
5. Unrequited Love: My Golden One
PART II: DIFFICULT LOVE
6. The Man Who Could Not Love
7. The Tantalizing Mentor and the Passionate Protégé
8. Traumatic Friendship
PART III: FULFILLED LOVE
9. Late First Marriage: The Triumph of Hope over Resignation
10. Love Is Stronger Than the Grave
11. Love Him, Hate His Politics: How a Liberal and a Conservative Stay Married
12. Recovering the Good from a Love Gone Bad
NOTES
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ALSO BY JEANNE SAFER
COPYRIGHT
THE GOLDEN CONDOM. Copyright © 2016 by Jeanne Safer. All rights reserved. For information, address Picador, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
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eCover design by Henry Sene Yee
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The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
&nbs
p; Names: Safer, Jeanne, author.
Title: The golden condom: and other essays on love lost and found / Jeanne Safer.
Description: New York: Picador, 2016.
Identifiers: LCCN 2015037148 | ISBN 9781250055750 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781250055767 (e-book)
Subjects: LCSH: Love—Psychological aspects. | Sex (Psychology) | Interpersonal relations. | BISAC: PSYCHOLOGY / Interpersonal Relations. | PHILOSOPHY / Social.
Classification: LCC BF575.L8 S315 2016 | DDC 152.4/1—dc23
LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015037148
e-ISBN 9781250055767
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First Edition: April 2016