by Hart, Alana
"He sounds ghastly." Hilda's mother said. "Should I just assume you don't have feelings for him, then?"
"Well no--”
"He did save your life, right? Maybe you and Aaron mean more to him than you realize."
Hilda looked at Nathan as he ruffled Aaron's hair.
The air grew sultry and the sun gave the flat reservoir a mirror-like sheen, the only hint that it was a lake and not a mirror came from the occasional ripples that coursed the smooth surface.
Hilda's mother touched her hair, causing Hilda to flinch. When turning to face her mother, only to see her mother was not looking at her, but staring at the lake, Hilda realized that all four of them were a family, were reunited. But first, Hilda needed to know the truth of what happened to her father. Hilda could not bring herself to ask her mother. Not just when they had come back together.
In what seemed like silent communication, Hilda's mother approached Nathan, and in unison they smiled briskly and switched positions. Hilda's mother bent to speak to Aaron. Nathan was next to Hilda now, cell in hand, and wearing a broad smile.
"You checked your cell?"
"No, why?"
"I just got news. Melanie's just gave birth to a baby boy."
Instantly, they hugged. Hilda felt Nathan's large powerful arms close around her, and while she embraced him she caught a whiff of his cologne, which brought back unwanted memories. Memories of how it felt to be held by him. Quickly Hilda pushed him away.
"Nate, no." Hilda retreated. The fact she said his name they way she used to, spelled trouble. In that instant, pressed against his body, she felt the pull of lust.
"Sorry, I got carried away." Nathan put his hand out to halt her from running.
"No, don't blame yourself. We need to control ourselves better, that's all." Hilda tugged down her wrinkled clothes. The look she witnessed in Nathan's eyes was of utter despondence.
"Okay." Nathan looked away. "We should get to the hospital."
"Yes. We should." Hilda agreed.
Chapter 24
Scott eyes were filled with tears. Nathan hugged his friend who couldn't stop grinning. Hilda, Aaron, and Nathan had to wait outside as Scott told them everything. He told them about Melanie going into labor and his panic. About her giving birth to a healthy baby girl, 7 pounds, 20 inches. Nathan thanked God for an uncomplicated delivery. Having never seen Scott so happy, Nathan reflected on what he thought was success and how pursuing what he thought was success had caused him to miss Aaron's birth. Aaron's birth was one of the most important moments of Nathan's life.
Nathan walked to Hilda and Aaron. Some instinct made him want to stand with them.
"We'll visit her tomorrow when she's fully rested." Hilda said. Nathan smiled in response.
"That's fine with me. I'm just glad everything went well."
"Yeah." Hilda seemed distant, and she curled Aaron's hair in her hand. "Nathan, you really want to be apart of Aaron's life, don't you?"
Nathan, nodded. I want to be apart of your life again, as well, Nathan thought. But he dared not give words to his thoughts, feeling the fragility of the moment.
Hilda bent to one knee and kissed Aaron. "Sweetie. Nathan is more than mommie's friend. Nathan is your father."
At this Aaron inclined his head to his shoes and looked embarrassed.
"He's my daddy?" He asked in a low voice.
"Uh-huh." said Hilda. "And he loves you very much."
Nathan thought he caught a flicker in Aaron's eyes, as the child studied the man who he now knew was his father. Nathan could no longer hold back, and he lifted Aaron and kissed his head as he embraced him.
"I will never leave you again." Nathan couldn't help his body from shaking. Everything he loved would take all his faith in God, because now he knew to find a way into Aaron's life was going to harder than anything he had ever achieved.
"You're crying?" Aaron noticed as Nathan held him up in his arms.
"So I am." Nathan wiped a hand over his face and was surprised at the moist palm he drew away to look at. "I never noticed."
"Why?"
"Why am I crying?"
Aaron touched Nathan's face in response.
"I am happy. I have everything I've always wanted." Nathan peered at Hilda who held her elbows while she folded her arms. Her pain was transparent. She was delicate and exquisitely fragile. Nathan realized that all that kept her going for so many years without him in her life, was her faith in the Lord and her love for her son.
"Aaron, you've had quite an adventurous day. But we have to get you home now." Hilda reached out and took hold of Aaron. Nathan still had Aaron in his arms.
They were intimately close. Aaron was their bond. Their love. A gift from God.
"Marry me, Hilda." The moment the world left Nathan, he knew they came from his heart.
Hilda gasped, and her eyes began to well with suppressed tears. "No." She said. The words stabbed Nathan with a piercing pain that wounded him worse than the bullet he took to save the two he most wanted in his life.
Nathan needed an explanation, but when he opened his mouth speak, the word why retreated back inside him.
Hilda took Aaron from Nathan. And the warmth Nathan felt slowly left his body vacant and cold.
"So where do we go from here, Hilda?" Nathan managed to forcibly expel the question.
"I need time to think. Thanks for helping me."
“Sure, anytime." Offered Nathan, while finding it hard to look at Hilda and Aaron. "So, you ready to head home, now?"
"I called a taxi. We've troubled you enough, already." Hilda's back was to Nathan as she spoke.
Nathan closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. How long? How far? Would she run?
The effort to remain calm caused a titanic struggle within Nathan. One voice within him screamed that Hilda belonged to him, she was the first girl he had ever made love to and he was the first guy to take her to bed. So, it was only right that they get married. The other voice cried out for God to give him strength to be patient with her. He loved her, it was the least he could do.
Nathan, uncertain he trusted himself to stand by and watch as Hilda entered the taxi with Aaron, centered his raging emotions by whispering the serenity prayer, Lord grant me the serenity...
He allowed himself to believe he would see them again and that she would accept his proposal. He regarded their departure with a sense of alarm and despair; he stood at the entrance of the hospital, half in, half out, Hilda's father's letter in his possession, a situation dimly reminiscent of the first time she left.
As Nathan sped through the city, he felt a hint of the ecstasy and freedom he once felt when he bought his first sports car. Back when he dated Hilda and thought he was infatuated with her, their secret meetings and dates where thrills he compared to the rush he felt when he raced in his car.
And just as with his car and other possessions, Hilda was the same. Gaining the world left him unaware of an actual life, with Hilda as a life, the possibility of children, and so he had no cares, because he was always on top of the world. But now God bestowed him with a beautiful son that promised to bring tears of joy to his eyes, and everything he saw the miracle. And he never knew the gift that was Hilda, the most beautiful woman he'd ever lain eyes on, being the one for him. Suddenly, he realized he never ever told her that he loved her.Does she have any idea what she means to me?
Later that evening, Nathan sat across from Clive. They were at a bar where they sometimes came to discuss project, changes in schedule or just to unload problems. That evening they watched the game. The quiet ambient relaxation had attracted Nathan and had him returning over the years. It was perfect for Nathan's clients and business associates.
"Hey man. You look like you have a lot on your mind." Clive sipped a beer and studied Nathan as he always did, with a glint of admiration in his eyes.
"Nothing I'm going to burden you with today, man." Nathan had a glass of orange juice in front of him. "We'll make it back in the secon
d half." Nathan picked up his glass and pointed to the TV screen before he sipped it. They discussed they game for a while, and eventually Clive addressed Nathan on how something seemed to weigh down the other man.
"Come on man, you're not even with it today, what's up?"
"Time for me to hang it up."
Clive raised an eyebrow, "What, off home, now?" He seemed to cough at the panic in his voice.
"Clive, you're on your way to the top of the company. In a few years, you'll be sitting in my seat." Nathan saw the glazed look in Clive's eyes. From the first day the younger man joined the company he'd admired Nathan.
"Ahh man, come on, it's great enough just working under you, Nate." Clive's half-smile was meant to project modesty, humility. That's how Nathan read it. But Nathan knew better, he knew the line of work they were in was competitive and cutthroat from top-to-bottom, and that Clive was ambitious and as driven as he was at that age.
"I've just found something that means a whole lot more to me than I ever thought possible."
"What?"
"Love." There was a time when Nathan would have hesitated before exposing himself so openly. He never allowed himself to be vulnerable.
"You kidding me?"
"God has given me a second to make wrongs right. I'm not going to ignore the opportunity."
There was a brief silence where both men stared at each other.
"Ha! I ain't buying it." Clive laughed. "You almost got me. What are you trying to do to me?"
"Clive, man. I have a six year old son and a woman that I love." Nathan announced the words with a build of emotion in his voice.
Clive cursed. "Whoa, when did all this happen? You kept it all a secrete pretty well. I don't know what else to say. Congratulations! I'm shocked." Clive pulled on his hair, a habit he learned from his mentor and boss Nathan.
"Believe me. I'm still getting used to the reality, that I missed out on so much of their lives, and for what?"
"What do you mean? With your résumé you're the most successful venture capitalist the company's ever had. Come off it man, you can't be telling me you're regretting it now?"
"How's Jo?" Nathan looked somberly at Clive, who rolled his eyes and frowned before he caught himself, seemingly forgetting Nathan's status for an instant.
"She's fine. Look, I don't mean to be rude or nothing, but I smell flagrancy here. Masquerading as this this man who values family over success. Might this be your way to get me off your tail?"
Nathan sat back and knotted his brows.
"You know, I am moving up pretty fast. You're not used to it, are you?"
Nathan sighed and shook his head. It was cringe-worthy seeing his own attitude played out in front of him, how he behaved back when all wanted was to be in the position where he was now.
"You know me pretty well. I'll be in discussions with a number of people I trust in the Montgomery area technology startup and venture scene, and I have decided that this is the right time to exit the Industry."
"So what will you do for money?"
"Probably try my hand at something entrepreneurial."
"Hey, this is a pretty big deal. Forgive me for saying, but you don't want to make such a rash decision for a woman"
Nathan grit his teeth and took a deep breath. "I know you aren't aiming to insult me, but Hilda isn't just a woman. She's my woman. The woman for me. The beautiful mother of my son, my passion, and the one person I want to spend my whole life with. Even if it's making up for the past." After expressing his thoughts in a torrent of emotion, Nathan felt a wave of relief wash over him.
"Wow, I can't believe you're leaving the investing gig. When're you planning to announce it?"
"This coming Friday. Believe me, finance is pretty much all I've ever known, all I've ever gone after. Getting to the position as partner in the firm was something I wanted for a long time."
Clive nodded. "Well. I hope what you're going after now is worth it."
Nathan smiled.
Chapter 25
Hilda walked through the mall, holding Aaron's hand. She slumped down on a bench. She waited for Nathan. It was Saturday and they'd agreed to meet to discuss her father. After prayer and much ruminating, she was glad to finally reach a decision. She was going to meet her him. Nathan was happy when she called, but clearly disappointed that she had not yet had an answer about whether or not she would marry him.
Though Hilda really wanted to marry Nathan, she had to find the missing pieces in her past. She had conflicting feelings when she found out her father was alive. Surely, her mother had a good explanation for not revealing the truth to her. But Hilda thought the best way would be to always strive to be honest, that as a Christian, she could not live a life of deceit. Yet, how much was her father part of the lie she'd been born into? And who was he? The mixed feelings were present in the form of feeling rejected by someone she always thought had loved her.
There was a part of Hilda that was glad for the distraction of meeting her father. It distracted her from the more important matter at hand – her love for Nathan. She felt a strong pull of feelings towards Nathan like she'd never felt before. Now more than ever she wanted him to be a part of her life. But still she was afraid. Though he behaved as if he had her and Aaron's best interests at heart, she felt it would be a matter of time before she forgot everything and lived for him. Aaron and God would take a backseat to Nathan's desires and needs. He was such an overwhelming man. She wished she could tell him about her fears of not losing herself to him.
She removed her iPhone from the bag and she focused the camera on Aaron, who played by a plant. Without thinking, she saw Aaron and the beauty and innocence of her world through the camera. Seeing the dual light that surrounded him, Aaron illuminated in her eyes, her son, an example of God's illumination, in a world with shadows. Aaron reached out for a leaf. She couldn't take the photo. She was not an artist anymore.
She knew Aaron always enjoyed photos taken of him. But she'd never taken one from an artist's standpoint. She wondered if he'd grow up to have a photographer's eye like she did, If he'd be able to give meaning to photos.
She used to let herself get lost in the world and all its beautiful dimensions of color. After leaving Nathan, there were times she had to close her eyes to drown out the influx of visual sensation and stimulation. Before she took many photos of Nathan, him standing with the reservoir at his back, Nathan's silhouette in twilight, poses of them in the mirror, any quality that embellished his features or emphasized his character, she captured. He often wanted her in front of the lens with him, but she liked being behind the camera.
She never kept their photos. She never kept any of her work, but threw them out in trash bags when she left.
Hilda spotted him coming towards her through the crowd. He had not seen her yet. Her heart skipped a beat and she shoved her iPhone back into her bag. She got up and held Aaron's hand. Waving, they walked to Nathan.
Nathan hugged Aaron and rose to face Hilda.
"Are you sure you're up for doing this?" He handed Hilda the letter. "You don't have to go through with this alone, I can be there with you."
"This is something I must do alone." Seeing the concerned look on his face, Hilda was surprised. "Thanks, Nathan. I'll be back to pick him up later," she said about Aaron, wiping an eyelash from his face.
"Are we going to see daddy's house?" Aaron asked excitedly.
"Mommy won't see it now. I'll be back later to see it." Hilda moved in to kiss Aaron on the cheek. The action put her closer to Nathan. This time she didn't retreat. She stood staring into his eyes.
"Hilda, what about us?" Nathan's voice was so choked with emotion, desire and passion for her, that a moment later and she feared he would have kissed her.
"Aaron was overjoyed to hear he was staying with you for the evening." Hilda said, ignoring Nathan's question. "If there is a problem, call me, okay?"
"Will do." Nathan half-smiled.
Hilda and Nathan walked out of the
mall, without another word said to the other. Instead, they were able to both engage in conversation with Aaron, which dispelled some of the tension between them. Nathan offered to take Hilda to the reservoir where she would meet her father. But she refused, preferring to be alone with her thoughts on the drive to Tuscaloosa lake, where he said he'd meet her.
The taxi arrived.
"Now, make sure you call me if you need, anything. Even if you're just getting cold feet and need someone there to stand by you. Alright?" Nathan gave Hilda a smile so genuinely sweet that unexpected warmth rushed through Hilda. She agreed.
Hilda watched him breathe before realizing her shoulders were tense. Unaware that she'd been holding her breath, she let out a long exhale. There was no doubt in her mind that to have Nathan in her life again was a gift from God. Hilda knew she lacked the strength to confront her fear and let go of the past. He had changed. She had changed. Yet she carried her former self around with her. At first she believed it necessary to continue to remind herself of how she had allowed her infatuation for Nathan to pull her away from her faith in God, and to never get caught in that situation again. But gradually it became a crutch to explain why she couldn't move on, why she couldn't find happiness and love and companionship. Then when Nathan returned, the threat he posed was Code Red. Or so she allowed herself to believe. How was she supposed to resolve the conflicting feelings of love and fear?
Not wanting Nathan to turn around and catch her watching him, Hilda got into the taxi. She told the driver her destination. Resting with her head rested back, she closed her eyes. Finally, she opened the letter to read the words of her father that had once touched her heart to provided a source of comfort.
She read them. It had been six years since she'd seen the words. And still Hilda knew every word by heart. She'd touch every each word with her heart, eyes, hand, and heart. Seeing each word illuminated in the light of the day, Hilda read on. She knew the next word before her eyes read it, remembered the impact every word had on her emotions. But as she read it in the front seat of the taxi...