I lost my appetite, and my schoolwork went completely out the window. I’d spend most of my classes feeling the weight and strapping of the stupid splint wrapped around my arm; thinking about the metal plates screwed into each of the two bones in my forearm and how the ugly scars on either side of my arm would be there for the rest of my life.
I’d tell myself it was over with Kane, that he didn’t want me anymore. But I couldn’t quite convince myself, because always, always in my mind was the last thing he’d said to me. That he’d never touch me again if I slept with someone else. So if I didn’t sleep with someone else, what did that mean?
One day after school, Melissa and I went shopping for something she could wear to her mom’s fortieth birthday party. We weren’t in the normal bargain stores we haunted but in one of the more expensive designer shops. Melissa had fallen in love with the first dress she’d tried on. It was a beaded fringe dress that swayed with every movement she made.
‘I feel like even just standing here I’m dancing in this dress,’ she said, staring at herself in the floor-to-ceiling mirror. ‘Look, I’m completely still and it’s still moving. What do you think?’
‘You look amazing.’
‘Amazing? No dress is going to make me look amazing. I’d need surgery for that. If only Mom and Dad would pay for it,’ said Melissa, touching her nose.
‘You said you’d never get a nose job.’
‘I said I wouldn’t pay for it. How could I with all those starving children? If someone else offered though …’ She looked at herself in the dress again. ‘It’s quite heavy. Heavier than you’d think. I don’t know. If I buy it, that will be all my money.’
‘Where else will you wear it?’ I asked, moving toward the sales rack on the off chance there was a dress hanging on it that Melissa might like.
‘Prom? If one of the seniors ask me. Even if I don’t get asked, I think I’d just like to have it in my wardrobe to put on and dance around the house in from time to time. Natalie, that is all last season. Don’t even bother.’
I paused partway through shifting hangers. A light strip of denim had caught my eye. I pulled it off the rack and held it up. ‘Look at this.’
‘At what? I can’t see anything,’ said Melissa, pretending to squint at the tiny skirt. ‘Don’t you dare,’ she said, as I moved toward a changing room.
‘I just want to see it on.’
‘You are such a ho.’
She laughed when I came back out. ‘Girl, if you don’t have anything on underneath do not bend over.’
I frowned at her. ‘Are you not wearing anything underneath?’
‘We’re talking about you,’ said Melissa hurriedly, ‘and that non-existent excuse for a skirt.’
‘Mel, have you been at school with no underwear on?’
‘Bitch, I want your legs.’
‘And you call me a ho? Anyway, you got great legs.’
‘Only if I’m not standing next to you.’
I looked at myself critically in the mirror. It was the shortest skirt I’d ever worn. Actually it was the shortest skirt I’d ever seen. But I liked it. The denim was distressed, the hemline frayed in some parts and curling in others. And it looked good on me.
‘I think it needs a belt,’ I said to Melissa.
‘As long as you realize the belt would be wider than the skirt. Nat, you know it’s winter, right?’
‘I can wear tights under it.’
‘Even our school wouldn’t let you get away with a skirt that short.’
‘What’s the price?’ I asked. I couldn’t read the tag from behind.
Melissa reached for it. ‘Only seventy-five dollars. And that’s half price,’ she added dryly.
‘It wants me to buy it.’
‘You mean you want Kane to see you in it.’
‘No, I just like it.’
Melissa raised a sceptical eyebrow. ‘If you say so.’
14
I didn’t wear the skirt immediately. I was vaguely concerned about getting hauled in front of the vice-principal again.
Kane came back to school. When I saw him standing at his locker I thanked God right there in the middle of the hall.
He didn’t look at me. He had to have seen me out of the corner of his eye, though. I walked past him deliberately, looking straight at him, but he seemed pretty determined not to register my presence; just kept on talking to the guys standing with him. As I walked away I heard him laugh.
It was Thursday, after school, and Melissa and I were walking back to her place. She lived in what was called the Avenues, and it seemed like every house you walked past just got nicer and nicer. We’d turned on to her particular ‘avenue’ when she got a phone call from Andre, a friend of hers who was a senior at our school.
She dropped the earphone she’d been sharing with me while we listened to Beyoncé on my phone. I put the dangling earphone in my other ear so I could get the full Beyoncé benefit.
‘Nat, you’re not going to believe this,’ said Melissa over Beyoncé’s voice a few minutes later. Her eyes were wide as she put her phone into the back pocket of her jeans.
‘Believe what?’ I said, pulling out both earphones.
‘Kane and Callem almost had a fight over you in their English class.’
‘What?’
‘It just happened. Last period. Their teacher took a call on her cell phone out in the hall, during class, and Callem hit Kane up about you.’
Callem was a senior on the basketball team. He was good-looking and extremely tall. Six feet seven inches and probably still growing. I’d never seen him play. Apparently he was the reason our basketball team never lost a game, and there was always talk around school about how he was going to play in the NBA. Although Melissa wouldn’t admit to it, I knew she was crushing on him hard. He’d also started paying me quite a bit of attention. He would walk me to class if he saw me in the halls, and if I sat with Melissa’s group at lunchtime, he and his friends would sometimes join us. The previous day he thought I was cold and offered me his jacket.
‘I told you Callem was into you something bad,’ said Melissa. ‘Giving you that candy ring the other day, and always looking to sit next to you. Natalie, he asked Kane about you and him breaking up, and Kane said “What are you talking about?” And Callem was like “I heard you and Natalie no more.” Kane told him he wasn’t hearing right, and maybe he should get it looked into.
‘So then Callem said to him that he was trying to do the right thing but he didn’t need Kane’s permission, and then Kane told Callem he needed to back the fuck off. They both stood up and were in each other’s faces. Andre reckons Kane was a second away from punching Callem, but then the teacher came back into the classroom. When neither of them would sit back down, the teacher started yelling at Kane. He asked him if he was looking to get suspended again.’
‘Suspended?’ I said, horrified.
‘Turns out he got two weeks for what happened between you and him, which is why no one’s seen him. Anyway, the point is, both Kane and Callem sat back down, but not before Kane said to Callem real quiet like, “She’s still my girl.” And now Andre reckons Callem’s backed off you. I mean, Nat, Callem’s so hot. And he’s really sweet, when he’s not talking shit with his friends.’
‘Kane said I’m still his girl?’
‘Of course that’s the only thing you got from all that,’ replied Melissa.
It didn’t seem like it could be real. Kane still wanted me. Kane had made it clear I was still his girlfriend. A smile broke out across my face, and the ache disappeared from my chest. I felt lighter. Like I weighed half what I had only minutes earlier. I laughed, and then I clapped my hands together like I was a child.
Melissa frowned at me.
‘Mel, Kane still wants me.’
‘He’s taken his time to put it out there. Seriously, Nat: Callem. You sure you don’t want to encourage that? He’s so hot. And him checking in with Kane about you? That’s how much he’s into you
. He and Kane have been friends forever.’
‘They’re not friends.’
Melissa gave me a strange look. ‘Yes they are.’
‘No.’
‘Natalie, why do you think you’d always see Callem at Kane’s fights?’
‘Probably to see other fights? They never talk.’
‘They sit beside each other in every class they share.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘Because I notice things.’
‘You mean you try and spy on Callem when you walk past his classes?’
‘Why would you say that when you know he’s into you, not me?’
‘Why, when you like him, are you trying to push him onto me? Especially seeing as you know how I feel about Kane.’
‘Because Callem is a great guy. He’s smart. He’s going to college. He’s one of the good ones, Nat. You should give him a chance.’
‘He’s nothing compared to Kane. And he’s not smarter than Kane. People have no idea how smart Kane is.’
‘Natalie, Kane doesn’t live inside the law. What are you going to do if he gets put away?’
‘I’ll wait for him.’
‘Look how hard the last month has been for you. You’re going to wait years if he goes away? Callem’s really into you. He was willing to fight Kane for you, and there’s no way he’d have won against Kane. He would have known that, and he still stood up.’
‘Callem doesn’t know me, and I don’t know him. And if he did know me he wouldn’t like me. And Kane won’t ever get caught; he’s too smart for that.’
‘Being a criminal isn’t smart. It’s stupid,’ snapped Melissa.
We’d reached the gate to the ultra-modern home Melissa’s parents’ owned. Melissa punched a code into the keypad next to the letterbox and the gate automatically swung open. I hung back.
‘Let me guess,’ said Melissa when I didn’t follow her through the gate. ‘You’re going to go see Kane?’
I shook my head.
‘What then?’
‘You’re angry because I love Kane.’
Melissa instantly dropped her bag, came back through the gate and wrapped me in fierce hug. ‘I don’t want your life to always be hard, Nat.’
‘It wouldn’t be if Kane took me back.’
I felt Melissa sigh against me. ‘The bad news is, Natalie, we need chocolate and I ate it all last night.’
‘I could make something?’
‘Perfect.’
She released me, and for a moment it looked like she was going to cry. She smiled instead.
‘How’re you going to wear your hair tomorrow?’
I wore it in a bun on the top of my head. I also wore my new short skirt, with no tights. It sat low on my hips, along with the belt I’d bought to go with it. I wasn’t wearing anything revealing on top though. It was too damn cold. I didn’t want to be hypothermic when Kane saw me, so I layered up with a thermal top, two tight-fitting sweaters and a thick scarf.
Kane saw me in the hall that morning. He didn’t look me in the eye, but I saw him look me over; his eyes traveling the length of my body, his jaw tightening as he stared at my legs. But he didn’t do or say a thing.
My morning was spent acutely aware that everyone who saw me seemed to see my legs instead of my face. I felt stupid and attention-seeking. Especially when I sat down in my first class and realized the skirt hitched up to the point where you could just about see my butt. I had to fold my scarf in half, lie it over the top of my thighs and then tuck it around me.
At lunchtime I emerged from my science class seriously thinking about going home. I ended up not having to make that choice – Kane was waiting outside the lab.
Just like that, I was near him again. I was acutely aware of how tall he was, how broad his shoulders were, how at ease in his body he was.
I studied his face: nose, mouth, jaw. I looked into his eyes and found I couldn’t meet his gaze. I dropped my eyes, first to his chest, then to his hands holding both straps of his backpack. I knew those hands. Calloused, dextrous, hard fighting hands. Working hands. Hands that could take a car apart and put it back together. An artist’s hands that could draw and create. Those hands had been on me. They’d held me, and they’d traveled every part of my body.
I took a deep breath and then looked up. ‘Hi.’
Kane didn’t reply. He didn’t smile. He just held my gaze.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered.
‘Come on,’ he said.
We went down to the art rooms at the far end of the main school building. Kane guided me straight through the design room to a small room that was full of light. It had students’ work stacked up against the walls, and it smelt strongly of spray paint, which made me feel a little dizzy. I told Kane, and he opened the catches on the barred windows, causing cold air and the voices of students in the quad to stream in.
There was a long table without any chairs around it taking up most of the space in the room. We stood by the windows. Kane folded his arms across his chest.
‘Everyone got shit in their lives,’ said Kane.
‘I know.’
‘Why does yours gotta be more than anyone else’s?’
‘It’s not.’
‘You see me breaking my arm? Fucking our relationship up?’
‘No.’
‘Have you thought about what it was like for me to see you pull that shit?’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Have you thought about it?’ he said again. ‘Thought about what I saw?’
I bowed my head as tears slid from my eyes.
‘Here, sit down,’ said Kane, moving me toward the table. I sat. My bare thighs pressed against its hard surface. Kane stayed standing in front of me.
‘I can’t trust you with you,’ said Kane.
‘You can. I’ll never do anything like that again.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘You have to.’
‘Don’t have to do shit.’
I broke down in sobs. He didn’t touch me.
‘I’m telling the truth, Kane.’
‘Nat, I am so motherfucking angry at you.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I’m sick of sorry. It’s like you say it but you don’t know what it means.’
‘I know what it means. Can’t you tell how much I mean it?’
I used my sleeves to wipe at my tears, but as soon as they were gone fresh ones took their place.
Kane’s eyes shifted from my face to my arm. Against the strict instructions of the rehab therapist I had to see every couple of weeks, I hadn’t worn the splint to school that day.
‘Let me see,’ said Kane quietly.
I pulled up my sweater sleeve. The two scars left by the surgery stood out in relief. The look in Kane’s eyes hardened.
‘You threatened to fuck other guys just ’cause you thought it was time I got over it. You threatening me with that shit, Nat, that made everything worse.’
‘I’m sorry you got suspended.’
‘I ain’t talking about that. I’m talking about what you said. What the fuck were you thinking saying that to me?’
‘I didn’t plan to say it. It just came out.’
Kane stared at me for a long time, before shaking his head.
‘You never think about other people, Nat. How they feel about you and what you do to them.’
‘Kane, you’re all I think about. I was worried: you were working all the time and I never knew where you were or what you were doing. And I needed you. I was having to spend all that time at home, and I hate it there. Dad’s so sick, and Mom hates me. Then I got this feeling something bad was going to happen to you. I think I did it just to stop you going out. I can’t go back to it just being me. I need you.’
Kane took a deep breath. He slowly breathed the air out of his lungs, and then came and sat down on the table beside me.
‘That’s fucking crazy.’
‘It’s how I felt.’
; ‘Well the opposite happened, so I’m telling you it’s fucking crazy.’
‘What?’ I said, confused, but Kane just carried on like he didn’t hear me.
‘I ain’t gonna see you through this sort of shit, Natalie. You need to know that. It happens again, I ain’t gonna be here.’
‘Okay.’
We sat there a while not saying anything. I stopped crying, and then Kane lightly touched the side of my thigh with the back of his index finger.
‘You think you could wear a skirt people can see from now on?’
‘I wanted your attention.’
‘You always got my attention. All that leg though – that ain’t for anyone else.’
‘But when we first got together I was always wearing short skirts. I thought you liked me wearing them.’
‘They weren’t this short. And I know what’s mine. I don’t need it on show at school where everyone can see. Guys I was with this morning just about fell over they were so happy to see you. One of them asked me what you’ve got tattooed inside your leg.’
‘I just wanted you to look at me.’
‘Trust me, I’ve been looking at you. Just not at you, if you know what I’m saying. Couldn’t be near you. Damn it, Nat, I was just so angry. And then after all that shit I said to you. I can’t even tell you how sick I feel when I think about it.’
‘It was my fault. I’m sorry I got you suspended.’
‘I’ve never lost control like that before.’ Kane looked at me. ‘That was on me. It ain’t ever gonna happen again.’
‘Everyone thinks you broke my arm.’
Kane almost smiled.
‘The V.P. told me he knows I did it. Apparently all the teacher staff know I did it.’
‘I told them you didn’t. They just wouldn't believe me.’
Kane shrugged.
‘It ain’t the truth so I don’t give a shit. Who’s this other guy the V.P. told me and Wayne you slept with?’
I froze for a moment but then realized he was smiling at me.
‘They wouldn’t leave me alone. I had to tell them something. It was a stupid story.’
‘Wayne reckons you did it.’
‘You know I didn’t.’
After Nothing Page 10