‘Natalie,’ called Sharday, additional desperation in her voice.
Paper. She needed a roll of receipt paper.
I pointed at the shelf under the till, and then walked out the back, through the kitchen – where Diane and Antoine were moving at a frantic pace – and into the tiny back office.
I sat down and scrolled through my phone until I found a photo of Reesey smiling at me.
‘Come back,’ I whispered.
Her image blurred.
I rang Julie and organized for Joey to stay with her a little longer than we’d arranged.
‘Soup,’ I said to myself as I stood up. ‘Table 6 needs their soup.’
The meeting went for an hour – and Harold and I disagreed on just about everything.
Social media. This was essential, according to Harold.
Me: Not essential, but would complement the business. Who would implement it?
Harold: You would.
Me: I don’t have time. You’ll have to employ someone else.
Harold: I’m not employing someone else.
Giving the servers a pay rise.
Harold: They don’t need a pay rise.
Me: They haven’t had one since you bought the place.
Harold: Their tips have increased.
Me: I’ve put a lot into their training. I don’t want to lose them.
Harold: Servers are dispensable.
Me: Not the good ones.
Closing early over the Christmas break.
Me: I just don’t think we’ll get the customers. Everyone takes holidays during that time. I’ve asked some of the other shop owners and they’ve said the city is dead between Christmas and New Year.
Harold: If that’s the case, let most of the staff go early. You and Antoine can stay on to our normal closing.
Me: Some days I’d like Kelsey to work till closing so I can get home to Joey earlier.
Harold: No, you owe me time already.
Me: Harold, I’ve taken all my days off unpaid. I don’t owe you any time.
This led to me working part time.
Harold: It won’t work.
Me: I’ll make it work.
Harold: The answer’s no.
Me: You need to find a new manager then.
Harold: That’s ridiculous. Where else would someone your age get an opportunity like this? You need to reprioritize.
Me: These are your options, Harold. Get a new manager, or let me work part time.
Harold: I made a mistake hiring you.
Me: Do you want me to help you find a new manager?
Harold: I’m just not sure you should be taking on a child, is all.
I stood up and walked away from the table before I yelled at him.
43
On Christmas Day Kane and I pulled into Wayne and Willa’s house. He turned off the engine and glared at me. He’d barely spoken the whole car ride from the Drummonds’ house.
Lost in my own guilty thoughts about leaving Joey for the night, I jumped when he snapped, ‘We don’t need the Drummonds doing us favors. We don’t need their permission to spend time together, and that is the last fucking time I’m spending Christmas Day with people I don’t know. Half the fucking church was there.’
‘It wasn’t that many people. And they’re the Drummonds’ friends, Kane.’
‘How come just about every one of them asked me if I was at church this morning?’
‘Probably to hear you say “I don’t believe in God.”’
‘What?’
I looked out the window at Wayne and Willa’s house. They’d taken Willa’s kids away for two weeks, to the coast. Kane hadn’t left a light on to combat the dreariness of the day, and there was nothing visible that spoke of Christmas. It was a complete contrast to the warmth of the Drummonds’ home, filled with people, decorations, new presents, the smell of spices and cooking food, and the presence of baby Jesus in Christmas cards, nativity figurines and conversation.
‘You would rather have spent Christmas here, on your own?’ I asked.
‘Yeah. Just you and me.’
‘And Joey?’
Kane hesitated, and then nodded – unconvincingly.
‘Well, I’m here now.’
‘Only with their permission.’
‘Let’s go inside.’
‘This is fucking bullshit, Natalie,’ said Kane as he got out of the car. He slammed his door shut.
I was slower to follow suit, claiming my overnight bag from the backseat and then shutting the passenger door quietly. Neither of us spoke as we walked up the concrete steps. Kane unlocked the door and walked in ahead of me.
Empty of Wayne’s presence, Willa’s chatter and the sounds two young boys constantly make, the house seemed twice its normal size. Kane disappeared through a door in the hall. I went to the kitchen. Freezing cold water splashed on my hand as I overfilled a glass. It numbed my fingers, and when I drank it numbed the inside of my mouth.
A fast-paced thumping sound led me to Kane. He was in what had been Wayne’s weights room. Dumbbells still littered the floor, but the bench-press was gone. In its place was a queen-size bed. A pile of washing had been dumped in the middle of it.
Kane didn’t spare me a glance. His entire focus was on the speed bag mounted on one of the walls. He was hitting it with the sides of both fists. First one, then the other, in a steady rhythm.
‘You need to fold these as soon as they’re dry, otherwise they look terrible.’
I held up one of his t-shirts. The bottom of it stuck together in a clump, and the rest of the cotton was full of wrinkles. Kane changed the speed and pattern with which he was hitting the ball. Two left, two right. Two left, two right. I straightened out the t-shirt the best I could, and folded it. Then I started on the rest of the pile. I looked up when the thump of the speedball stopped. Kane pulled his shirt over his head. He dropped it on the ground. Then he swapped his jeans for the sweatpants I was about to fold.
He went back to hitting the ball. This time faster and harder.
I organized his clothes into piles. Socks, jeans, briefs, sweatpants, tanks, t-shirts, sweaters.
Sweat dripped off Kane’s face. It ran down his chest and his back. His arms glistened with it.
‘I don’t want to spend Christmas like this, Kane.’
Kane punched the ball as hard as he could with the front of his fist before turning to face me.
‘We had plans, Nat.’
‘I know.’
‘Then why the fuck am I living here, and you’re living with the Drummonds?’
‘Not with them. In their apartment.’
‘Same thing.’
I looked away. There was a poster of Evander Holyfield on the closet door.
‘Nat?’
He was in a boxing ring – his arms raised in triumph.
‘Natalie, just fucking look at me, will you?’
I met his stare.
‘Is this us now?’ said Kane. ‘Living apart, never fucking seeing each other?’
‘You don’t want Joey.’
‘You didn’t give me time to figure out what I wanted. You just left.’
‘How many times do I have to say it? I had to look after him.’
‘It’s just the same old shit all over again.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘You doing what you want, and fuck what I want.’
‘Because I’m afraid you’ll make the wrong decision.’
Kane fixed his eyes on me, and he didn’t shift them. It was me who looked away.
‘This isn’t my fault, Kane.’
‘I know that, Nat.’ He sat down on the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said.
‘It’s Bey’s fucking fault,’ muttered Kane. ‘Murdering motherfucker. Why didn’t she end it with him? She should have ended it.’
‘She loved him.’
‘Yeah, like you’d stay through that shit if I killed a fuc
king baby. That’s fucked, right? I mean, what the fuck? She knew what he was capable of. He slit his uncle’s throat, you know. I mean, I hated that son of a bitch, but that’s some fucked-up shit. I couldn’t do that. He did so much fucked-up shit. You know that kid Tyrone Rivers, from that day round the back of the gym? The one who put his hands on you? Bey was there when X shot him. He laughed when he told me about it. That fucker laughed, and I didn’t say shit. I hate him. I hate that he was my best friend. What the fuck does that say about me? And now as well as Rev being on my case about taking Joey on, Teige paid me a visit last week. Said him and the brothers wouldn’t be too happy about Joey being raised by a priest. Looks at me like Joey’s my responsibility. And you look at me like that too. I don’t want a kid, Nat. And I definitely don’t want to raise that fucking murdering motherfucker’s kid. I’m done with Bey. I’m done with everything to do with him.’
I sat down on the side of the bed. I couldn’t look at him.
‘What are you thinking, baby?’
‘Okay.’
‘Okay? Okay what?’
‘Okay, I’ll give him up.’
‘You’ll hate me,’ he said.
‘No. No, it’s just –’
‘What?’
‘I don't know. I just really love him.’
It was like Reesey and Bey dying all over again. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Kane kept asking me if I was okay, and I just kept nodding. He wanted to talk about it more, but I didn’t have room in my head for the listening that required. In the end he went out for a run, and I crawled into his bed.
I curled up. I pulled the comforter over my head, and I fell asleep.
When I woke it was late. Kane was asleep beside me. I was still fully clothed, wearing the knit sweater, woollen skirt and tights that I’d worn to lunch at the Drummonds. They were the nicest clothes I had. After several hours sleeping in them, they were unbearably uncomfortable.
My overnight bag was still out in the hallway. I didn’t want to wake Kane up by turning on the hall light, so I got changed in the dark. Then I went into the bathroom, closed the door and switched the light on. I blinked at the glare.
My reflection in the bathroom mirror showed someone I barely recognized. I didn’t look … strong. And my chest hurt, like my heart was twisting inside me.
I forced myself to brush my teeth and then went into the kitchen to get a glass of water.
My phone was on the kitchen bench, and there was a text from Melissa.
Merry Xmas to my favorite Ho Ho Ho.
I started crying. I took my phone back to bed with me, just in case Julie needed to get hold of me. The twist in my heart tightened further at the thought that Julie wouldn’t be ringing me about Joey in the future. Rather than get into bed I sat quietly down on the floor, with my arms wrapped around me. I rocked back and forth, my cries soundless. I wanted Dad. Dad, who used to come into my room and comfort me when I woke in the middle of the night. Who was going to go in to Joey now when he woke in the middle of the night? Probably it would be Julie or Reverend Joe. Probably they would take him. But I wanted it to be me. He belonged to me, didn’t he?
When I next looked at my phone it was two hours later. I made myself get up off the floor and then knelt on the bed to wake Kane up.
‘What is it?’ said Kane, turning in my direction.
‘Please don’t take him from me.’
‘What?’
‘It hurts so bad. It’s killing me. Please, Kane. Please.’
He got out of bed, and turned the bedroom light on, and then he stared at me in shock.
I couldn’t stop shaking, and tears were pouring down my face.
‘I can’t face telling Julie that I can’t take him. I don’t know how I’m going to say that.’ I clutched at my chest. ‘Oh God, it hurts.’
Kane came and sat down beside me. He gathered me in his arms.
‘It’s okay, Nat.’
‘I’ve let Reesey down.’
‘The fuck you have.’
‘Everything’s so hard.’
‘We’ll work it out.’
‘We can’t.’
‘We’ll have to. If you feel this bad about it then I’m not gonna make you give him up.’
‘You’ll leave me.’
‘Baby, I ain’t gonna leave you.’
44
‘Are you going to say something?’
Diane was looking at me expectantly. She’d come out to speak to me just as I was about to cash up, and the till was open. Both my hands were filled with quarters I was about to count.
‘It’s fine.’
The cafe wasn’t overly warm, but even so I could feel a trickle of sweat run down my back and perspiration beading on my forehead.
‘I told Antoine you’d be understanding, but you’re not okay with it, are you?’
‘It’s fine,’ I said, turning back to the till. ‘It makes no difference.’
‘Will you tell Harold?’
‘No.’
‘You don’t think he should know?’
‘Diane, Harold is a hypochondriac. All that will happen is he will ring me ten times a day until I’ve figured out a way to get rid of the HIV-positive kitchen assistant. No one needs that. But thank you for telling me about Antoine. Now, can you let me get on so I can close up and get out of here?’
Diane went back into the kitchen without another word.
I took a moment to compose myself before following her.
‘I’m sorry, Diane.’
‘You don’t seem yourself.’
‘I’m tired, but it’s nothing. I shouldn’t have spoken like that.’
‘How old is that baby now?’
‘Nine months.’
‘Babies are a lot of work. A lot. I remember mine … Do you think you might be doing too much?’
‘I know I am, but Harold is refusing to let me go part time, and I can’t quit without more work lined up. I got to have some money coming in. I just need more time to do everything. Do you know what I mean?’
‘Natalie, that old man does whatever you say. Train up Kelsey and then stop coming into work two days a week.’
‘I don’t trust Kelsey.’
‘She can do it. She’s only irresponsible because you don’t let her do anything.’
‘I don’t trust her, Diane. Whenever she does the end-of-day till, it’s always out.’
‘That happens to you.’
‘Maybe a few coins. I’ve never had it out by as much as her. I’ve definitely never had it out by twenty dollars exactly.’
‘I’m just saying, when you were away that week, she stepped up.’
‘She made mistakes.’
‘You make mistakes.’
‘I know. Wait. What mistakes?’
Diane raised an eyebrow at me.
‘How about the fact that managers are supposed to delegate?’
Joey went from rocking backwards and forwards on his hands and knees to shuffling backwards to all-out crawling in the space of four days. It coincided with him getting a bad cold.
At Julie’s request Kane came over to baby-proof the cupboards and drawers, and spent the whole time implying I was doing everything wrong.
‘Don’t he have any books? He shouldn’t be up there.’
Because I had Joey on the kitchen bench, my body blocking him in from the edge while I pureed cooked carrots and sweet potato for his dinner.
‘Is that all you’re gonna give him for dinner?’
I was feeding Joey a banana-flavoured yogurt because he refused to eat any of the five other foods I’d tried, including his pureed vegetables.
‘Shouldn’t he be in bed by now?’
At that point I was about to undress Joey so I could shower him, and Kane was kneeling in front of the bathroom cabinet, electric drill in one hand, screws for the safety catch in the other.
‘Pretty sure Reesey never had him up this late,’ he added.
I sat
Joey down on a bath mat beside Kane and then knelt down beside him. I pulled his sweater off over his head. It got caught around his chin, and I had to gently manipulate it off. It was getting too small. So many of the clothes Reesey had bought him were getting too small.
‘Dad-da,’ said Joey clearly, as he picked up one of the safety catches by Kane’s knee. ‘Dad-da,’ he said again, waving it.
Kane went completely still.
‘He calls everything dad-da,’ I said defensively. ‘Or momma or gaga.’
‘I know,’ said Kane.
‘“Dad-da” was the first sound he ever made.’
‘I know, Nat. I have heard him.’
I pulled Joey onto my knee, so I could take off the rest of his clothes. Kane used the drill, the noise loud and whirring. Joey found it fascinating. He listened hard, and leaned forward to watch.
‘Dad-da,’ he said repeatedly.
I pulled his diaper off and then sat him back on the bath mat so I could place his diaper in the covered bin I kept in the bathroom specifically for that purpose.
‘Thank you,’ said Kane, taking the safety catch Joey had been holding. Kane looked up and frowned at me. ‘His nose is running. Has he got a cold?’
‘Yes,’ I said, tight-lipped, as I turned the shower on.
‘Should he be sitting on the floor with no clothes on? It’s the middle of winter, Nat.’
‘It’s warm in here, and it’s only for a second.’
Needles of cold water hit my hand. I held it still, waiting for the temperature to increase.
‘Dad-dad-dad,’ said Joey, as Kane lay on his stomach to line up the drill for the bottom drawer. Joey shifted onto his knees. The shower water warmed. Kane used his shoulder to block Joey reaching past him as he screwed in the last safety catch. The water got too hot, and I turned it down.
‘What time does he go to bed when he stays at the Drummonds’?’ asked Kane.
I withdrew my hand from beneath the water and then turned the shower off.
‘I need a moment,’ I said.
After Nothing Page 29