by Kirby Hall
A crease formed between the doctor’s eyes at her strange behavior. “He’s sleeping now, but you can sit with him for a few minutes.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“If you need anything, go to the nurses’ station we passed.”
Alexa nodded, but her eyes remained focused on the curtain where her dad lay on the other side. When she glanced over her shoulder and realized she was alone, trepidation cemented her feet to the floor. She blinked away the image of her mother lying in a hospital bed; her pale face pained from the disease, and reminded herself this wasn’t her mom. Still scared and with great effort, her heart rate sped up as she reached to pull the curtain back. Her breath caught in her throat as she stared at her dad’s still form.
The pallor of his skin was more gray than normal and he looked much smaller, no longer the towering figure who served as the rock of their little family. The sight made her blood run cold. A machine sitting on his far side beeped and an IV bag hung above him. The whole scene was one she was too familiar with, but it was wrong. Her dad wasn’t sick. He shouldn’t be there. He was the strong one. He was the one who’d held the family together even when she’d made it hard. Even when his heart had been broken.
She sat on the edge of the chair beside the bed and reached for her dad’s hand. When she found his skin warm, she exhaled in a rush. Her head knew he was alive, but after seeing him so weak and still, her heart needed the reassurance.
“Daddy?” She swallowed. “I’m here.” Her eyes filled with tears, blurring her vision. “I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have yelled. I know you want what’s best for me.”
She sniffled and waited for some sort of sign from her dad that he had heard her, but he remained still. “Please be okay.” The first of her tears streamed down her cheeks, breaking the dam and releasing the flood of hours of guilt and worry. She buried her face in the bed to cut down on the sounds of her sobbing until her shoulders relaxed and the tears subsided.
A nurse breezed into the room and crossed to the machine at her dad’s side. “You should go soon, sweetie. He needs his rest.”
Alexa sat up and wiped her eyes. It would never do for her to be such a mess. She straightened her shoulders and stood. “I’ll be back in a few hours, Daddy,” she whispered and leaned in to kiss his head.
She needed to get home to Graham. It was up to her now to take care of their family. When she passed the waiting room, she paused and took in West’s sleeping form. He was beautiful. Peaceful. And he was there for her. But things were different now. Waiting for her dad to come around about West was no longer an option. Her heart ached as she realized what she had to do.
Chapter 27
“Hey,” he said. He sat up and rubbed his hands over his face. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“It’s okay. It’s late. Or early, depending on your definition of time.” Alexa stood and took a step back from him. Her eyes were puffy, but she was composed. Almost scarily so.
“How’s your dad?” He joined her and they started down the hall.
“He’s sleeping.”
West nodded. “That’s good I guess.” He started to reach for her hand, but stopped himself. Something between them had changed in the time since he’d arrived and she’d seen her dad. A wedge of ice seemed to be between them now. Some invisible layer he couldn’t penetrate to get to her. She was more like the focused Alexa from school. The Alexa who kept everyone at arm’s length. It was as though the clock had turned back six months, except he was in love with her now instead of annoyed by her. This time he cared.
They stopped in the parking lot and stood facing each other as the sun’s rays appeared in the distance. He wished like hell they were somewhere else. Somewhere they could sit down and enjoy the sunrise together without having to worry about being seen together. And, maybe in a different time when Alexa’s face wasn’t hardened against the world and all the crap she was being dealt.
“Here.” Alexa slunk out of his hoodie and handed it back to him.
“You can keep it.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m fine now.” Her gaze wandered to the far side of the parking lot and rested on her car. “I need to get home. Graham’s there with Maria.”
“Right. Well, if you need anything.” He let his voice trail off and again the silence descended over them. It was like he was speaking to a stranger.
Alexa cleared her throat. “Thanks for being here. It meant a lot.”
West offered her an awkward hug. She patted his back and then walked away. The wall was still there. As she drove away he watched, waiting for her to turn and wave goodbye, but she didn’t. She kept her eyes forward and left him standing in the parking lot alone.
He hoped her distance was the stress and not caused by something he’d done. He didn’t remember saying or doing anything stupid. The sun rose higher in the sky threatening to burn off the early morning fog. West jogged back to the hospital and found his mom at the desk.
“How’s Alexa?”
“She’s okay. Tired.” He rapped his knuckles on the countertop. “I’m going to head out.”
“Do you want to wait? I get off in a few minutes. I could give you a ride.”
West dug the toe of his shoe into the floor and weighed his options. He wanted to go run, but his mom had called him. He owed her a little time. Maybe he’d tell her about making the team and riding with his mom beat taking the bus again. “Yeah, sure. I can wait.”
He paced around the lobby and pulled his phone out of his pocket. The sun was barely in the sky, but he found Bekah’s number. Even if he couldn’t be there for Alexa right now, someone needed to be and he couldn’t think of anyone better.
“Hello,” Bekah said, her voice scratchy. She cleared her throat loudly making West hold the phone away from his head.
“Bekah?”
“Yeah? Wait, is this West?”
At least she wasn’t ripping his head off for waking her up. “Yeah, hey.”
“What the hell dude? It’s like not even daytime yet. What do you want?”
Never mind. “It’s Alexa. I think she could use a friend right now.”
There was shuffling on the other end of the phone. “What’s wrong? What did you do?” Bekah’s voice was clear now.
“It wasn’t me.” West filled her in on the details and continued to hear scraping and static as he spoke.
“Okay, so you said she left for home. I’ll head that way. Thanks for calling me. Alexa always thinks she has to do things on her own. It wouldn’t occur to her to call me herself.” She said the last part more to herself than to him, but he heard it and inwardly, he had to agree.
“Trust me, she needs you. I’ve never seen her so…” He wasn’t sure what to say, closed off? Somehow that didn’t cover it. What was happening to her was deeper, a scraping of her soul. He could only guess how she must feel. The possibility of losing the only parent she had left.
“Don’t worry about it,” Bekah said. “I know what you mean.”
West heard water running and then the sound of Bekah spitting. Gross. He didn’t need to know her bathroom habits.
“I’ll call you later and let you know how she’s doing,” she said. “I know you can’t go there yourself.”
“Yeah, it’s probably best I don’t.” He hung up and saw his mom coming down the hall with her purse slung over her shoulder. Their relationship may have been tense at times, but she was still his mom. And, no one deserved to be without their parents. He thought of his dad. Abandonment was clearly a concept he didn’t understand.
~ ~ ~
Coach Avery held up his stopwatch as he clamped a whistle between his teeth. West could feel his lungs burning and dampness from his hair slapping him in the forehead with each step. This was their final lap. The
coach was working on dividing them up into events and, so far, West was slated for two: the four by four and the four by one relay races. He’d gone from being anti-team anything to not only being on the track team, but also being slated for two relays which would force him to work with other people. He crossed the finish line with one other guy, a senior, and was careful to stay in his own lane and out of the way of the final two runners.
After they crossed, the whistle blew signaling the end of practice. West looked over toward where his bag was waiting for him in the stands while he cooled down. He hadn’t heard from Alexa since the hospital and had only received one text from Bekah telling him not to worry. He was trying his damnedest not to.
“Hey, doing all right?” Josh asked.
“Yeah,” West sucked in more air, “so far.”
“I talked to Alexa earlier. She seemed okay. Not exactly happy, but that’s understandable.” Josh walked beside him as they left the track and crossed over to where their bags were. “I’m going to head over to the hospital later. Maybe take her some dinner. You want to come with?”
West shook his head. He wasn’t going to wait until dinner. “Nah. I’m good. Thanks though.”
“Sure.” Josh dropped onto the bench and began changing from his track shoes to his regular tennis shoes. “Looking good out there. I think our team is going to be a force to be reckoned with when it’s relay time.”
West smiled. “I hope so.”
“We just have to get our transitions down and we’ll be ready for our first meet.” Josh had a point. The running was strong, but when they moved to pass the baton, their rhythm was off which not only added time, it was also embarrassing. Or, at least it had been when Josh and Brian, the second leg in their relay foursome, tried it during practice and had dropped the baton altogether.
Jay, along with the other guys standing around the discus cage, had burst out laughing and catcalling. Josh had bared his teeth, but remained quiet. West had to hand it to him, if it’d been him, he would’ve had a hard time not punching the guy in the face.
“We’ll be ready,” West said as he checked his phone. Still nothing.
They heard Jay’s loud mouth before they saw him. He was exiting the track with some of the other field guys. Josh looked down and mumbled something inaudible under his breath.
“Ignore him,” West said. “He’s a total douche.”
“You speak the truth.” Josh grinned. “Okay, well I’m out. See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
West made his way off school grounds and headed for home. After a shower, he was going to try to see Alexa. He hoped like hell the next time he saw her the weirdness between them from the night before would be behind them. So what if she’d called Josh, but not him. They were best friends. She probably had to call him because Bekah wouldn’t. He tried not to read too much into her radio silence.
An hour later he stopped in front of Alexa’s house. Her dad’s car was there, but since he obviously wasn’t, West decided to risk it.
Maria greeted him at the door. “Senorita Alexa isn’t here. She’s with her papi. Graham, too.”
“Okay, thanks.” West started to leave and then stopped. “Maria, how’s Dick, I mean Mr. Cross doing?”
“He’s okay. Lots of sedation, but okay.” Maria leaned toward him like two people who were in on a secret. “Alexa will like to see you.”
West tipped his head toward her. “Thanks.” He prayed she was right. After running home and getting the car, he arrived at the hospital with his stomach in knots. He gripped the wheel for a second after he’d parked and stared out the window. Maybe this was a bad idea. He gave the wheel one last squeeze and climbed out. Man up, West.
The halls were more crowded than they were the night before. Visiting hours were open and nurses were racing between rooms. He turned sideways to give a man walking the halls with an IV pole more room and nearly crashed into Alexa.
“Hey.”
“Oh, hey.” Alexa paused with a confused look on her face. “What are you doing here?”
Not exactly the response he was going for. “I was checking on you.”
Graham poked his head out the door and smiled. “Hey, West.”
“Hey, kid. Doing all right?”
“Yeah, they have a pretty good candy machine here.”
West winked. “Yeah, they do.” He was relieved to see Graham looking and sounding like himself.
Alexa turned to her brother. “Hey, we’re going to talk a minute. I’ll be right back, okay?”
Graham nodded and ducked back into the room.
She glanced over her shoulder toward her dad’s room. “Can we move down the hall a little? Or maybe go outside?”
“Sure.” He shoved his hands in pockets and followed her. Where her posture was usually strong and poised, it seemed to sag slightly and her steps were slower. She looked like someone carrying too much weight on her shoulders.
When they reached a grassy area outside the sliding doors, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Thanks, I needed the air.”
“How’s he really doing?”
“Good.” Alexa walked over to a bench and sat down. “He woke up for a little while and now he’s sleeping again. The doctors want to keep him a few more nights, but they’re happy with what they’re seeing.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“You don’t have to say that, West. I know my dad isn’t your favorite person.”
He stared at her. “That doesn’t mean I want anything bad to happen to him. You love him. That’s all that matters.” West sat down beside her, his leg brushing hers. “Do you need anything?”
Her gaze lingered where they were touching and she stood. “No. I’m fine.”
Her abrupt move left a strange emptiness. It was more than her not wanting to touch him, she was pulling away. His palms began to sweat. “Alexa, did I do something?”
Her eyes filled with tears and she turned her back to him. “You didn’t do anything. In fact, you’re about perfect, but I’m not.” Her voice broke and he longed to pull her against him like he had the night before, but something about the way she’d looked at their touching legs made him hesitate.
“Alexa, it’s okay to be freaked out. Your dad had a heart attack.”
“I know.” She put her hands on her head and paced in a very un-Alexa-like move. “And, it was my fault.”
“What? Don’t be crazy. It wasn’t your fault, your dad—”
She whirled around and put her arms out to the side. “Yes, it was. Don’t you understand? We were arguing, and I was mad, and he was mad.”
“People argue, Alexa.” He took a step toward her and she took one back. He took the hint and stopped even though he thought it would kill him. “What were you arguing about that was so bad you think it caused his heart attack?” Sarcasm crept into his voice.
She shook her head.
“Alexa, tell me. What was it?”
“You, okay? We were arguing about you.” Alexa stared at him as her chest rose and fell rapidly.
The air rushed out of his lungs as his argument died in his throat. What was he supposed to say? He knew the guy didn’t like him, but . . .
“West, why did you transfer to Cedar Falls?”
He blinked. “What?”
“You heard me. I said, why did you transfer to Cedar Falls?” She stared at him and he saw something in her eyes. Distrust? Hurt? Whichever it was, he didn’t like it. “When you were telling me about your past, you didn’t mention why you transferred.”
“I didn’t realize it mattered,” he snapped. “Alexa,” he started more calmly, “it was nothing. I got into a fight with a guy. He hit a nerve so I hit him. Anger issues remember? This is not news. I never lied to you.”
&n
bsp; “I see.” She wiped a tear from her cheek.
“What does that mean? You see what?”
“It doesn’t matter. Look, West, you’ve been wonderful to me. Last night and over the past months, but I can’t do this anymore. I won’t keep lying to my dad. We can’t keep seeing each other.”
West stepped back as though he’d been shot in the chest like one of the soldiers on Call of Duty. “Alexa—”
“I’m sorry.” Tears began to stream down her face. “Please understand. This is my family and I have to put them first.” She shook her head, turned and fled back through the hospital’s sliding doors.
West stood looking after her until a horn blared behind him. He jumped at the sound of the incoming ambulance and took off. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he needed go get as far away from Alexa as possible.
He ended up in the same place he always did. The sun was shining there. It was the kind of day he usually loved to spend outside, but West only saw gray. His shirt felt too tight, his breathing was ragged. It was as though his chest was being torn open by a large rusty hook.
At the top of the hill, he bent over at the waist and gasped for breath. He wanted to hate her. It would be so much easier, but he couldn’t. He understood her loyalty to her family. He hated it, but he understood.
Fearing his legs would buckle, he dropped to his knees. As he stared around, he cursed himself for bringing her there. It was his space. The one place he could go when he needed time and now it was tainted with memories of her. He’d been so careful to keep his distance. This was the exact reason he’d never wanted to open himself up to another person, but he had and now it was blowing up in his face. He’d sworn he’d never let someone else have the power to hurt him, but Alexa had and he couldn’t blame her.
His chest ached as much from his sprint across town as from Alexa’s words. Looking out over the trees, he screamed. The sound echoed through the space and came back to him, reminding him he was alone. West sat back on his heels and closed his eyes, willing the day to end.