"Well, you should act like it," CeCe murmured.
"Just what are you saying, young lady?" Mr. Williams asked as if he were talking to an out-of-sorts teenager. Nate half expected him to pull off his belt.
"Just forget it, Daddy. If you haven't seen it in all these years, you won't see it—"
"CeCe—," Mrs. Williams began, but the ringing telephone startled them all into silence. Nate knew everybody was wondering if it was bad news. Mrs. Williams answered the phone. When she hung up, she said, "We'd better get to the hospital."
* * *
CeCe's grandfather died less than an hour after they returned to the hospital. He was surrounded by people who loved him, including his pastor, who'd arrived while CeCe and her parents were away. Nate stayed close to CeCe, lending his strength. The rest of the afternoon and evening passed in a blur of planning and supportive calls and visits. By the time David was in bed, they all felt they wanted to follow his lead. B.B. did. Mr. and Mrs. Williams stayed up talking in the kitchen with the Howards, who were staying at the Comfort Inn that CeCe and company had recently vacated. Nate and CeCe sat quietly in the living room.
Wanting some private time with her, Nate took her hand and led her to the front-porch swing. After they were seated, CeCe said, "There's one on the back porch, too."
Nate was pleased by her teasing, even though her eyes were cloudy with sadness. It had been a tough day for her. He knew the argument with her parents still weighed heavily on her mind, and now she had to deal with the death of her grandfather, too. He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. "I guess we'll have to try that one out tomorrow. I'm sorry about your grandfather, CeCe."
She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry too," she said. "Sorry I didn't spend more time with him. But I'm also happy that he had made his peace with Jesus."
Nate nodded. That had to be a big comfort for her. Had her grandfather died without knowing the Lord, his soul would have been lost and CeCe's heart would have been broken.
"I really didn't have much choice—about spending so much time away," she explained. "I had to protect David."
Her words confirmed what Nate had already begun to suspect: That couple was Eric's parents.
"I don't know why I'm surprised that my mother let them see David behind my back. They've always taken his side," she said absently. Nate wondered if she realized she was talking aloud. "I just don't understand. I'm their daughter, but they take his side."
Nate squeezed her shoulders in a show of support and comfort. "What don't you understand?" he asked.
She sighed and pressed closer to his side. "They were never angry with Eric. After all he put me through, they were never angry with him. They even tried to defend him to me, if you can believe that."
Nate wondered if she thought the only way for her parents to support her was to blame Eric. Faulty reasoning, he knew, especially for a Christian. In his opinion, CeCe would have been better off if she'd adopted her parents' attitude.
"Instead they looked at me with disappointment in their eyes and made me feel as though I was the worst person in the world," CeCe was saying. "Why were they angry with me, but not with him?"
"Have you ever asked them?"
She didn't speak immediately. When she did, her voice was soft, unsure. "No, but I came close a couple of times. Sometimes I think I don't want to hear their answer."
"Why is that? What they say can't be any worse than what you think they'll say. Your imagination could have you suffering a lot of unnecessary pain."
CeCe intertwined her fingers with his. Nate knew she was absorbed in thoughts and regrets from the past. "How did your parents react when your marriage was falling apart?" she asked.
Nate recognized the change in topic for what it was and went along with it. He tried to recall that time in his life, which now seemed so long ago. All he remembered was his parents telling him to do what he thought was best and agreeing to pray for him. He also remembered the sadness in their eyes when he'd told them Naomi was gone. "They hurt for both me and Naomi. I could see my pain reflected in their eyes, and oddly, I found that reassuring."
She lifted her eyes, sharp with awareness, to his. "That's all I wanted from my parents. I never felt that they hurt for me. I always felt that they hurt because I had hurt them, because I had disappointed them so badly."
Nate wasn't sure CeCe was interpreting her parents' actions correctly. From what he'd seen of Mr. and Mrs. Williams, he couldn't imagine them not sharing their daughter's pain. Mr. Williams had practically told him so. But CeCe's parents had also suffered Eric's pain. Nate prayed that given the same circumstances, God forbid, he would be as generous and forgiving as they had been. Especially since Eric had been able to walk away from the situation while CeCe had to endure pregnancy and then raise a child alone. "I think you need to talk this out with your parents, CeCe. It happened too long ago for it to still cause this rift between you."
She shook her head. "It's not in the past, Nate. It's in the present. Today my mother deliberately went against my wishes and allowed Eric's parents to spend time with David. It's obvious my parents think I'm handling the situation the wrong way."
Though it was hard for him to accept, Nate realized that CeCe really didn't see the connection between the past and the present. Oh, Father, what am I to do? "It may be happening in the present, CeCe, but it's rooted in the past. You can't keep running away from your past and your parents. You've got to deal with them both." And soon, he added silently.
CeCe rested her head on his shoulder, quiet, but Nate didn't mind. He just hoped she'd open her heart to his suggestion. He prayed that all the work God wanted to do in her she would allow to be done. For her sake—and theirs.
"Nate," CeCe said sometime later. They were still seated on the swing, her head resting on his shoulder, his arms draped loosely around her waist. "They're going to wait three or four days before the funeral to give the out-of-town relatives time to get here. You don't have to wait around. You should go back to Atlanta."
He stiffened at her words. He didn't want to leave her to face her demons alone. "What if I want to stay?"
She pulled away and looked up at his face. "As much as I want you here, I need more for you to go."
"But why? I want to be with you." And you need me to be with you, he added to himself.
She lowered her head back to his shoulder. "Because I'm no good here. I don't want you to see me like this. Something inside me changes when I come here, and I'm not myself. I can't explain it. Everything good in me now seems to get overshadowed by everything bad from my past." She paused. "When we were at Shay and Marvin's for the cookout, Shay said that she could see God in herself now, when for a long time she couldn't. Well, when I'm in Atlanta I can see God in me, but when I'm here, it's as though the old person comes back. I don't want you to see me like this. I regret that I got so angry with my mother today, and I regret that you had to see me that angry."
Nate knew she had no idea how much her words hurt him. She was suffering too deeply in her own pain to be aware of his. He wanted to tell her that the old person was dead, not to be resurrected again, but he held his tongue. She knew the Scriptures as well as he did, and he suspected she wouldn't appreciate a sermon. "I'll go," he said, though he desperately wanted to stay. "But I'll be back for the funeral."
"Thank you" was her only response.
Chapter 15
Nate's thoughts had been with CeCe the entire time he was away from her. He knew now that what he'd initially thought was a serious miscommunication problem between her and her parents was much more than that. CeCe still carried burdens from her past, and the weight of those burdens was becoming more and more difficult for her to bear. As he pulled his car into her family's driveway, he asked the Lord to show him how to best support her and give her strength until she realized this truth for herself.
David ran out of the house, CeCe right behind, just as Nate was getting his overnight bag from the backseat.
"Mr. Nate,
Mr. Nate!" David called, bouncing on his heels. Nate couldn't help but smile at the two of them. Mother and son both wore bright smiles, acknowledging their pleasure at seeing him. It warmed his heart to know that his love for both of them was returned.
"Hey, sport," he said, walking to them. He leaned down and kissed the top of David's head, then pulled the boy to his side for a hug. One hand still pressing David against his side and the other holding a garment bag, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against CeCe's. "How are you?" he asked, though he'd spoken with her on the phone last night and again this morning before he'd left Atlanta.
She smiled, taking his bag and leaning against his side. "Fine, now. I've missed you."
Nate draped his free arm around her shoulders and hugged her closer to him. "Good," he said. "I like the sound of that." He kissed her again briefly.
The day went by in a flurry of activity. There were last-minute details to take care of for tomorrow's funeral and housing arrangements to make for the late out-of-town arrivals.
"I can go to the hotel, CeCe," Nate offered later that day when he was able to get a private moment with her outside in the backyard. Leaning against the chain-link fence that separated the Williamses' yard from that of their neighbors to the back, Nate rested his arm on CeCe's waist as they watched David play with some neighborhood kids. "It won't be a problem."
She was shaking her head before he finished. "You're staying here. Mama and Daddy wouldn't have it any other way." She turned to him with a big smile on her face. "You've won them over. What exactly did you and Daddy talk about when Mama and I left you alone at the hospital?"
He tapped his finger against the tip of her nose. "Man things," he said, teasing her. "You wouldn't understand." Since he now had her father's blessing, Nate had considered bringing the engagement ring with him and giving it to her, but he'd decided against it. He wanted everything to be perfect when he put his ring on her finger.
"Chauvinist."
"Honest."
"Oh, you." She punched him playfully in the ribs as she so often did. He'd come to look forward to those touches.
He chuckled. "Do you still want to leave tomorrow night, or do you want to stay longer? I have the time, so it's up to you."
She shook her head. "I think we should leave as planned. I need to get back to work."
Nate suspected it was more than work that made her ready to leave. "I'd like to come back here again," he said, not sure what her response would be. "Soon."
She turned back to David and the other children. "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Nate. You saw what happened the day we came home for lunch and found Eric's parents here. My parents disagree with the way I'm handling this situation. It's painful for me to watch them take Eric's side—or the side of his parents—against mine."
He rubbed his hand down her back, then squeezed her shoulders. "I don't think that's what they're doing, CeCe. Your parents love you, don't you know that?"
She shrugged. "I know they love me."
"But...?"
She sighed deeply. "I can't explain it. David is my son, and they should respect my feelings about how to deal with Eric and his parents. I've apologized to my mother for the way I reacted, but I still think she was wrong. They've made me feel like a failure as a daughter, but I won't let them make me feel like a failure as a mother."
Nate sensed finality in her words, but he pursued the topic because he also heard pain. "You can't keep running from your family, CeCe." Or is it Eric she's running from? a small voice inquired.
CeCe moved away from him. "So you're on their side, too? You think I should let Eric's parents see David. Is that what you're saying?"
He pulled her back against him and pressed his lips against the top of her head. "That's not what I'm saying at all. Right now, I'm talking about you and your parents. You're giving Eric too much power in your life. He's controlling your relationship with your parents by keeping you from your home. He kept you from spending time with your grandfather during his last years, and now you're letting him keep David from his grandparents the same way."
CeCe didn't say anything, and Nate knew they had reached an impasse. She wasn't ready to give in on this issue now, and he knew they'd have to revisit it. As he kissed the top of her head, he prayed, Lord, give me the words when the time is right to bring it up again.
* * *
Though CeCe had been pretty quiet with him since their discussion in the backyard yesterday afternoon, Nate stayed close by her and David during the day of the funeral, ready to give her support when and if she needed it. He knew her grief was magnified by the guilt she felt at not having been more a part of her grandfather's life. She should have been able to celebrate his salvation and rejoice that he was now in a better place. Instead, she regretted that she hadn't spent much time with him during his last days. Even though Nate knew God could use her pain to increase her faith, he would have gladly taken her pain to spare her.
As the day wore on, Nate watched CeCe withdraw from him and from those around her. She was still present physically but absent emotionally. It was as if she'd detached herself from everybody. Everybody but David. But even that connection was distorted. She didn't let the child out of her sight. Most of the time she held him on her lap. Nate grew more and more uneasy at the change in her. By the time they were ready to leave for Atlanta, her withdrawal from him had progressed to the point that he couldn't get her to say more than a few disjointed words to him, though she continued to fake engagement with others.
Nate took their luggage to the car while CeCe and David said their final good-byes to her parents. Nate held Eric responsible for the change in CeCe, and he felt a deep anger toward the man for the pain he had inflicted on her. If Eric were here now, Nate knew it would be a struggle not to pummel him. By the time he'd finished loading their luggage and the food Mrs. Williams had prepared for them, his anger toward Eric had dissipated, and he began to feel a tinge of pique toward CeCe. Her withdrawal from her parents he could understand, even if he didn't agree with it, but why would she withdraw from him? All he'd done was love her—or try to. Had she expected him to agree with everything she said or did? Was that what she wanted from him?
He wanted to build a life with CeCe, but he wanted that life to be based on the principles of God. He wanted God to use him to build her up and use her to build him up. "As iron sharpens iron," he muttered. He knew that meant there would be times when they wouldn't agree, but he believed they'd be able to work through those differences if they were committed to work together and to stay together.
But now CeCe was going against that. He'd asked her early in their relationship not to walk away from him, but rather to talk to him, and she'd agreed. Yet here she was, walking away from him. OK, she hadn't physically walked away, but the way he looked at it, her emotional detachment was the same as walking away, if not worse. At that moment Nate experienced deja vu. He'd been here before. Naomi had pulled away from him physically, just as CeCe was now pulling away from him emotionally. He was sure the latter hurt much worse than the former had. He and CeCe had the benefit of their past experiences, so they shouldn't repeat the mistakes of the past. At least that's what he had hoped.
When the three of them were settled in the car, Nate didn't try to engage CeCe in conversation. Had it not been for David's chatter, the two-hour drive home would have taken place in total silence. The child forced both adults to come out of their thoughts.
* * *
CeCe stood against the porch railing, looking out into the night, her back to Nate. They had completed their evening ritual of putting David to bed and spending some moments with B.B.
Nate was seated on the porch swing. "So, are you going to cut me off the way you cut off your parents?" he asked.
Surprised, CeCe turned to face him. "What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded.
"Come on, CeCe. You've been giving me the silent treatment ever since we left Alabama. I just want to know what's coming next."<
br />
"I wasn't giving you the silent treatment. I just didn't have anything to say."
He stood up, lifted her chin, and peered into her eyes. "Let's be truthful with each other. You're angry with me for the things I said about your relationship with your parents and with Eric's parents."
"You don't understand, Nate," she said, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with him. "Everything is black and white to you; you don't understand."
He opened his arms wide. "I'm here. Help me to understand," he pleaded. "I want to understand. I love you, CeCe. Don't shut me out."
She walked into his arms, and they closed tightly around her. "I'm not shutting you out," she said, but even as she said it, she knew she was. The secret she held inside forced her to shut people out. She couldn't risk their finding out the truth. Would Nate love her if he knew? What would her parents think if they knew? Sometimes she suspected they did, but they'd never said anything to her about it. No, it was the way they looked at her sometimes that made her wonder if they knew, the disappointment in their eyes that became impossible to endure. If Nate knew the truth—the whole truth—would he look at her the same way? Would disappointment replace the love and concern she saw in his eyes now?
She hadn't really believed she'd find anyone to love. Not after Eric. But miracle of miracles, God had sent Nate her way. And he loved her. But would he still love me if he knew everything, Lord?
A small voice said, Trust me. And trust him.
CeCe ignored the voice, blocked it out as if she hadn't even heard it. She'd lose Nate if he learned the truth, and she couldn't bear to lose him. "Things will be back to normal tomorrow, Nate," she told him, the fear evident in her voice. "I told you that going to Alabama did something to me. Now you see what I mean. I didn't want it to touch us, but it has."
He pulled back and looked closely at her. "Nothing can touch us unless we allow it to, CeCe," he said simply. "Places and people don't just do things to us. We have to give them permission first."
"So you're blaming me?" she asked in a soft voice.
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