His wife pressed closer to him, as if intentionally bringing him closer to the child she carried. He squeezed his eyes until tears rolled down his cheeks. How will I bear it, Lord? his heart cried out. How will I bear it?
Chapter 7
Marvin sat in the chair next to the bed, his fingers steepled across his nose, and watched his wife sleep. He'd held her close until the breaking of dawn turned the darkness of their bedroom to light. All the while he'd prayed for the two of them, for Shay's health, and for their baby. Though he'd preferred she hadn't become pregnant, she was, and now all that concerned him was her safety and the safety of the baby. He couldn't lose them. He couldn't.
Shay stirred and flipped over on her back. Marvin wondered how she'd greet the morning. After crying herself into an uneasy sleep, she'd tossed and turned in his arms most of the night before settling into the sound sleep she desperately needed. Now, it seemed she was coming out of it. He braced himself for the look of disappointment and loss he hoped against hope he wouldn't see in her eyes.
Coming awake with the stretch of a kitten, Shay rolled over to face his chair and opened her eyes. A slow smile curved her lips, and her eyes were alive with love. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but she quickly closed it. Her lips turned downward in a defeated frown, and the love and light in her eyes faded, to be replaced by the disappointment and loss he'd feared he'd see.
"Shay—," he began.
Helpless, he watched her push the covers back and pad to the bathroom without even acknowledging him. He made to follow her and stopped when he heard the click of the lock on the bathroom door. She didn't want to be bothered. Pressing his forehead against the locked door, he willed her to feel the love he had for her and their child. When he heard the shower come on, he moved away from the door and considered how to best approach his wife when she reentered the bedroom. Nothing immediately came to mind, so he decided to make them both breakfast.
Upon his return to the bedroom with a breakfast tray for them, Shay was dressed in faded blue denim shorts and an old blue-and-orange Atlanta Braves T-shirt he'd bought her on one of their long-ago outings to the old Fulton County Stadium. He knew cooking breakfast wouldn't turn her heart back to him, but doing the deed was one way of letting her know he knew he'd hurt her and he wanted to make amends. He much preferred to tell her with words, but so far, she hadn't given him the opportunity.
"Morning, sweetheart," he said, trying to sound as natural as possible, which was difficult since the wife who usually started the day by kissing him good morning now refused to even look at him. "I fixed you some breakfast." He pulled the bedcovers up with one hand and placed the tray on the foot of the bed with the other. Had he been prepared, a rose or some other flower would have donned his offering, but he had to make do with what he found in the kitchen.
Shay finally turned, not to look at him, but to study the tray. Her nose turned up as she surveyed the sampling of juice, toast, and her favorite cheese-and-onion omelet. When she picked up a piece of toast and took a bite, he released the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Thank you," she said before turning back to her dresser.
The pleasure Marvin felt at her words was totally disproportionate to the deed he'd done, or her appreciation of it. If she accepted the food, he reasoned, maybe she was ready to accept more. "About last night—," he began again.
Shay turned to him then, her eyes flashing the hurt he knew she still felt. "I don't want to talk about it now, Marvin," she said. He noticed she was opening and closing her hands as she spoke, an action of which he was sure she was unaware.
"We need—"
She shook her head. "Not now," she said, and this time he heard the tears he suspected were close to the surface. "I can't have this conversation with you right now. I know we need to talk. I really do, but I can't right now."
Marvin felt tears building in his own eyes. He'd never wanted to hurt Shay. He'd promised himself—and her—that his walking out was the last time he'd willingly hurt her. He'd broken that promise. Now, the woman he loved—his wife—stood before him with tears burning in her throat because he'd hurt her. He bit back his own pain. "I'm sorry, Shay," he said. "I'm so sorry."
Her lips turned a little, as if she wanted to smile, but couldn't.
"And I love you very, very much," he pledged.
Her smile weakened. "I know you do, Marvin," she murmured. "I know you do."
As she turned back to her dresser, he heard the unspoken, But I'm no longer sure your love is enough.
* * *
Marvin reached the church a little later than usual. A part of him had wanted to stay home with Shay, and he would have, if he hadn't known his presence would make the day more unbearable for her. She'd said she needed some time before they talked, and he was determined to give her that time, but he'd only give her one day. They couldn't afford to allow their hurts to fester, that much he knew. He and Shay would talk tonight. They had to.
Marvin trekked into the church, down the stairs, and into the temporary office space he and Shay shared with Evelyn, who was acting as their part-time office assistant. The space was small compared to Daniel's office, but it was more than sufficient for the work Marvin had to do until he could secure permanent Genesis House quarters. Evelyn was in the office when he arrived. She had a pretty flexible schedule, coming in after she got her kids off to school in the morning and leaving around lunchtime, or coming in later in the day and leaving in time to pick her kids up from school. "Morning, boss," she said, greeting him with the cheerfulness that was her trademark. He'd told her not to call him boss, but she insisted on doing it in much the same way she and others around the church insisted on calling Daniel "Pastor Dan." The words were a show of affection and caring, and he accepted them as such.
"Good morning to you, Cheerful," Marvin returned to the woman who made life in the office much easier. Baby Ronald, who came to work with his mother, slept peacefully in the crib they'd placed next to his mother's desk.
Marvin entered his inner office this morning and did something he didn't normally do: He closed the door behind him. He was sure Evelyn noticed, but he was just as sure she wouldn't question his actions. His personal preference would be to tear down the wall between the inner and outer offices, but he knew that soon people would be coming to him to discuss matters they wanted kept confidential, and the walls provided the necessary sense of privacy. This morning, the walls and the door gave him the privacy he craved to consider the problems he and Shay faced.
Marvin sat and turned his chair toward the wall, instead of facing the door the way he normally sat. Lord, help us to work this out. Help me to be the man Shay needs, and the man you want me to be. He moved to pick up the Bible that he kept on his desk, but a light rap on the door stopped him. He cleared his throat. "It's open. Come in."
"Hey, man," Daniel said. A big grin on his face told Marvin his friend didn't expect anything to be wrong. "What's with the closed door? Are you all right in here?"
Marvin started to nod his head as was the custom, but he hesitated.
Daniel closed the door and walked to the desk. "What's wrong?" he asked, the grin gone now.
Marvin rubbed his hands down his face. Congratulations, my wife is pregnant. "Everything. Nothing."
"You and Shay have a fight or something?"
Marvin leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. "You could say that," he answered, but stopped short of divulging the entire story and telling Daniel that Shay was pregnant. He wasn't ready for the conversation that would surely follow that bombshell, especially since just yesterday he'd told Daniel he thought Shay had lost interest in having a child.
Daniel pulled up a chair. "Is it about the baby?"
Marvin squinted an eye open. "How'd you guess?"
"I'm studying married couples these days, and you and Shay are at the top of my list."
Marvin shot his friend a glare guaranteed to solicit a straightforward response.
"Okay,
" Daniel said. "Despite what you told me yesterday, I wasn't sure the child issue with you two was resolved. I prayed you two would work through it. That's still my prayer."
Marvin accepted Daniel's comforting words with a tinge of guilt because he hadn't given his friend the full story. "It won't be easy for us to work through it," he said, remembering how he'd ruined the elaborate celebration Shay had planned. How he wished he'd been able to give her what she wanted. If only he'd reacted on his first emotion... if only he could act on that emotion now. "We argued this morning. Didn't come to any kind of understanding. Just left it hanging until tonight when I get home. Shay said she needed some space, so I'm giving it to her."
"Oh, man," Daniel said, commiserating with him. "I'm so sorry. But I'm confident you two will work this out."
Marvin nodded, but he wasn't in wholehearted agreement with his friend. Daniel probably wouldn't be so optimistic if he had all the details, but Marvin wasn't ready yet to give them. He wanted to work through the problem with Shay first. "I don't like to see her hurt, Daniel," Marvin said instead, seeing again in his mind the hurt and disappointment chiseled on Shay's face. "And I especially don't like having hurt her." He gave a dry chuckle. "Love hurts."
Daniel watched his friend as if measuring his words. "Do you ever wish you'd remained single?"
"No way!" was Marvin's immediate and forceful response. "I can't imagine life without Shay. I can remember the facts of the time in my life before I met her, but most of my best memories include her. Even though I didn't know her when I gave my life to Christ, she's a part of that experience too, because in loving her, and in having her love me, I've learned so much about the love of Christ." He shook his head back and forth. "No way do I wish I'd remained single. No way."
* * *
Shay had felt nothing but relief when Marvin left the house. She wanted to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over her head, and make last night and this morning go away. Yes, she wanted to, but she knew she couldn't. As the saying went, the horse was already out of the barn. There was no going back to the way things were before. No, last night had happened, and she and Marvin would have to deal with it.
She turned on the dishwasher to get rid of the remnants of last night's disastrous meal and this morning's nauseating breakfast. In preparing the guilt meal, Marvin hadn't even taken into account the queasiness she'd probably feel during this early stage of pregnancy. Merely looking at all that food had almost made her run for the bathroom. Fortunately, the toast had settled her stomach.
She knew Marvin was sorry. She'd seen the smile begin to form around his lips and the light dawn in his eyes when she'd told him about the baby. She'd seen it and her heart had soared, but the soaring had only been for a moment, a split second, if that long. Then she'd seen his fear, his withdrawal, and his denial. Those were images she feared were engraved on her mind's eye. She'd forgive him for his response, she knew she would, but would she be able to forget it? She wasn't too sure.
The telephone rang, and Shay considered—briefly—not answering it. Regardless of how bad she felt, she knew she had to answer it. Answering the phone was a responsibility of being in a ministry like Genesis House. You never knew who was calling or what they might need.
"Hello," she said, in what she hoped was a welcoming tone.
"Hi, Shay," came the light and happy response. "It's me, Vickie."
A grin spread across Shay's face, and she breathed a Thank you, Lord, before saying, "Hi, yourself. I knew who you were." Shay felt the happiness she'd experienced yesterday bubble up within her. It wasn't gone—just smothered out for a while by Marvin's reaction to the news of her pregnancy.
Vickie laughed, a rich, full sound that rang of joy. "Well," she said, "tell me. I waited all evening for you to call before it dawned on me that you probably wanted to share the news with your husband first. Am I right?"
Shay joined in her friend's laughter. "You're right. I'm pregnant."
"I knew it, I knew it," Vickie cried into the phone. "We're pregnant!"
"We're pregnant?" Shay repeated, her joy overflowing. She had known Vickie would rejoice with her.
"Yes, we're pregnant," Vickie said on a happy and hopeful note. "I'm going to be pregnant with you. If vicariously is the only way the Lord will allow me to experience pregnancy, then vicariously is the way I'll experience it."
Shay could imagine the grin on her friend's face, and she rejoiced all the more. "Well, I'm happy to have you on the team," she said.
"Hey, we need to celebrate. What are you doing today?" Vickie asked.
"Celebrating with you. There's nothing I'd rather do."
"Okay, it's a date. I'll bring something by your house around lunchtime. After working long hours the past few weeks, I can afford to take the afternoon off. How does that sound?"
"Sounds good to me, but why don't we meet at your house instead?" Shay suggested, thinking that she didn't want to be home if Marvin decided to leave work early and get a head start on the talk they were scheduled to have. "I'd like to get out for a while."
"Works for me. I'll see you at my house at noon."
Chapter 8
"I'm leaving," Evelyn called from Marvin's open doorway. Marvin didn't have to check his watch to know it was close to three, time for Evelyn to pick up her children from school.
He looked up from his desk, where he felt his eyes had been all day, and resisted the urge to wipe his hands down his face. On days like today, he found the job of administrator tedious. He was sure some people believed his job as director of an outreach program was exciting. They had visions of fiery testimonies, hungry souls, and open hearts. They saw him seeking and saving the lost on a daily or even moment-by-moment basis. What they didn't see, what didn't enter their fantasy vision of his position, was the paperwork, the meetings, and more paperwork.
"Is it that time already?" he asked Evelyn, who held a gurgling baby Ronald in her arms.
She smiled at him, a knowing smile that said she was used to his very common comment. "Yes, it is," she said. "You should think about leaving too. You've been cooped up in this office all day. Why don't you knock off early and surprise your wife?"
Marvin forced his facial features not to show the pain Evelyn's innocent suggestion brought. The upside to all of today's paperwork, and probably the reason he'd kept himself engrossed without even stopping to eat lunch, was that the work kept his mind occupied with something other than the situation he'd faced when he got home tonight. Of course, thoughts of tonight's discussion had been pretty close to the surface all day. Despite all the work, he hadn't been able to keep them fully at bay.
He turned his attention back to Evelyn and the question at hand. "I'll think about heading out early," he said, telling himself he wasn't lying. He would think about it, but he wouldn't think about it very hard.
Evelyn gave him a frown that made him wonder if she'd read his thoughts. When she opened her mouth to speak, he stood and walked toward her. "You get out of here. I have a little more work to do before I can knock off for the day."
"You're sure?" she said.
He took Baby Ronald's finger in his hand. The softness reminded him so much of Marvin Jr. that his throat tightened. How he'd loved that child. He cleared his throat and smiled for Evelyn. "I promise. Now get out of here. I don't want you late picking up your kids."
Evelyn nodded and turned to leave. "Give Shay my best," she said. "And don't work too late."
Marvin grinned after her as she left the office. He'd been blessed when Evelyn had volunteered to work as his office assistant. She had four children, and her husband, Franklin, was a trucker, which meant he spent a lot of time on the road. But Evelyn never complained. She was a diligent and faithful volunteer, the kind on which ministries like Genesis House thrived. She seemed to have found a level of volunteering that perfectly complimented her family priorities. Smiling, he turned to go back to his desk and the multiple stacks of paper there. A few more minutes to lose myself, he th
ought.
"Hey," a deep male voice called from behind him.
Marvin turned. "Bo," he said, a smile forming across his face. The boy's visit was a very welcome distraction. He considered mentioning the college applications, but thoughts of applications brought thoughts of last night's fiasco with Shay, so he promptly pushed both to the back of his mind and decided to wait for Bo to bring up the topic if he wanted to discuss it.
Bo leaned against the doorway, his hands behind him. "I thought you'd be down here hiding out. My boys are ready to take on your boys, and you're nowhere to be found."
Marvin leaned back against his desk. "I guess I deserved that one," he said. "What brings you by? Tell me you didn't come by just to give me grief about our next b-ball matchup."
"Not only that." Bo brought out a medium-sized grocery bag from behind him and handed it to Marvin. "The Aunts sent this," he said.
The affection in the boy's voice when he mentioned his great-aunts made Marvin smile. He reached for the bag.
"It's a sweet potato custard," Bo said as Marvin peeked into the bag. "You can eat some now, but you have to take a slice home to Shay." At Marvin's raised brow, Bo explained, "They made me promise to tell you that."
Marvin grinned. "They're special ladies, aren't they?" He placed the bag on the desk and pulled out the custard. "Very special ladies." He glanced over at Bo. "You don't by any chance have a knife on you, do you?"
The boy shook his head.
"Not a problem. There's a kitchen close by." He winked as he left the office. "Take a load off. I'll be back in a shake." He quickly found a knife and some paper towels. Before leaving the kitchen, he thought about drinks and grabbed two Cokes out of the refrigerator. He'd have to remember to replace them tomorrow.
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