"That's not fair, Shay," he said, not moving. He was so close she could feel his breath on her neck.
She turned on him again and put her hand out. He moved back, giving her some space. "Okay, let me ask you a question." She pinned her eyes on his. She wanted to see his response to her question. "What do you have against being happy?"
His eyes closed; she saw it. He was shutting down right in front of her. He backed away a couple more steps. "That's a crazy question," he said after a few long seconds, eyes open now. "I don't have anything against being happy."
She nodded, fury boiling within her. "Okay, let me ask you another question. Why can't you be happy about this baby? Your baby? Our baby?"
"What—"
"No, let me finish," she said, stopping whatever he was going to say. "I saw the way you looked today when Evelyn mentioned the baby." She waited for his response, and when it seemed as though he wasn't going to give her one, she told him anyway. "You looked the way you're looking now. Horrified." She stopped, her throat filled with tears. "How can you look like that when someone mentions our baby? Don't you have a smile in you for our child, Marvin?" She was crying now, but she couldn't help it. She hurt. She hurt so very much. "One minute you're happily laughing with Bo, and the next, you've shut down emotionally because someone mentions our baby. How can you love Bo and not love our child?"
"Look," Marvin said, "we talked about this before. I told you I wanted to keep the news of the baby to ourselves until after the first trimester, in case there are problems."
"And what if there are problems, Marvin? Will you continue to withhold your love from this child until it's born healthy? And what if it's not born healthy? Will you refuse to love him or her?"
"That's ridiculous, Shay," he said, his eyes shooting darts at her, a sure sign his anger was rising. "I'll love our baby regardless of his or her health. I already love him. Or her."
Shay shook her head. "I don't believe you."
"What do you mean, you don't believe me?"
"I meant what I said. You don't love this child. Oh, I'm not saying you ever considered terminating the pregnancy, but I am saying you wished I'd never gotten pregnant. I am saying you're withholding your heart from this child, and from me. This is worse than when you walked out on me."
He flinched at her words. "Don't say that."
She knew she had hurt him, but she didn't really care. Not now. This was the first time she'd brought up his leaving, and she wanted him to know how much he'd wounded her. Maybe she wanted him to experience a bit of that pain. "When you walked away then, I was hurt, but I knew and I could feel in my heart that you were walking away out of love, because you thought you were helping me. At least, that's what I told myself. Now I feel you withdrawing, and it's not love for me or love for the baby that's motivating you. It's all for yourself. It's for purely selfish reasons. You don't want to love this baby, Marvin, and it's breaking my heart."
Shay waited for him to respond, to give her something, but he didn't speak. A part of her wanted to give up, to leave the room and him, but she knew they had to work through this wall that had built up between them. "Say something," she pleaded. "Don't leave me hanging like this, Marvin. I need you to say something."
She wondered if she'd said too much, gone too far, hurt him too deeply, but when he looked at her, his eyes were full of fire.
* * *
Marvin forced his hands into his pockets. He couldn't deny most of what his wife said, but it had all been from her perspective, not from his. He wasn't sure she wanted his side of things. "Why do I have to say anything, Shay? You seem to have all the answers."
"That's not fair."
"What's fair got to do with anything?" he said, lifting his hands in the air. "This isn't about fair, or not fair. This is about Shay and her perfect world, where everything works out the way she wants it to work out."
She flinched and took a step back at his words. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Marvin was torn. He didn't want to continue this conversation, but they'd gone too far to stop now. Shay had been itching for a fight since he'd walked through the door. If he could do it over, he would leave her alone to stew for a while, but now that the discussion had begun, he was sure she wasn't going to let it rest. "It means," he finally answered, "that you accused me of not wanting to be happy. Well, it could be that you won't accept the fact that you don't get everything you want. You want me to start singing and shouting about this baby? Well, I can't do it. Not now. Not when I know there's a chance, however small, that we could lose him or her. That it's even possible I could lose you. I can't do it."
"You won't do it, you mean."
"Can't, won't. What's the difference?"
"Oh," Shay said, clasping her hand across her mouth. Marvin wondered if she was about to throw up. He started to reach for her, but she quickly rallied.
"There's a big difference, Marvin," she said. "If you would allow yourself, you could love this child. You have enough love for Bo. You've opened your heart to him, and that makes me happy, but it also breaks my heart because it's tangible proof of the love you're withholding from our child. I want—no, I need you to love our child that way, even if we could lose him. Fear is not enough reason to ration love. If you're right about the risks, which I don't think you are, then our baby needs your love even more."
"I can't, Shay," Marvin said, having no other explanation. "After Marvin Jr., I just can't. Not now. Let's wait until after the first trimester. Things will change, I promise."
* * *
Shay and Vickie began their early evening walk with small talk that soon lapsed into a silence that had become characteristic of their time together. Though Shay had been reluctant when Vickie had first suggested a three-day-a-week walking regimen, she was now glad she'd taken her friend up on the offer. The time had become good for reflection, and also for sharing and praying for each other about life's concerns.
Let's just wait until after the first trimester. Things will change, I promise. Marvin's words had stuck with Shay since he'd spoken them two weeks ago, and they'd caused her to come to a painful conclusion. She was now in her twelfth week, almost the end of the first trimester, and she knew she wasn't going to be able to count on Marvin during this pregnancy. Even if they got good news at their doctor's visit next week, as they had on their previous visits, there were really no guarantees nothing else would develop as the pregnancy progressed. And it seemed to her that Marvin was ill-equipped to deal with anything but good news.
She'd been surprised and pleased when he'd agreed with her and declined the genetic testing, but she hadn't been surprised to learn that it was his concern about the slim possibility the tests themselves could cause a miscarriage that had led to his decision. Fear seemed to rule his every action.
"Believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." That was love according to 1 Corinthians 13, and Shay knew it was expected of both her and Marvin. But now there was a baby to consider. She would hope and believe Marvin would be there for her and the baby, but right now she couldn't count on it, and she didn't think it was fair. Last night she had made a decision and today—this evening—she was going to act on it.
After they got back to Vickie's house and were relaxing over glasses of cold water with a twist of lime, Shay said, "I want to ask a very big favor of you, Vickie, and I want you to feel free to say no."
Vickie put down her glass and gave Shay her full attention. "Okay," she said, "I know I haven't been able to do much volunteering. What work do you have for me?"
Shay shook her head. "It's not that. It has nothing to do with Genesis House."
"Okay, ask me."
Shay took a deep breath. "I'd like you to be my labor coach."
Vickie's eyes brightened, and a broad grin spread across her face. "Are you kidding? I'd love to do it. I'd thought about asking you if I could go to those classes with you, but I thought three might be a crowd." As an afterthought, she asked, "Are y
ou sure Marvin is okay with this?"
Shay allowed her gaze to wander the room before she responded to Vickie's question. "He will be."
"Uh-oh, this doesn't sound good. What's happened?" Vickie asked, picking up her glass again and taking a sip.
Shay shrugged, trying to decide how to explain the situation to Vickie without deliberately painting Marvin as the bad guy. "You know Marvin's having difficulty with this pregnancy." At Vickie's nod, Shay continued. "Well, I think it would be better if I had a backup in case Marvin can't be there for some reason."
Vickie slowly lowered her glass from her lips and raised questioning eyes to Shay. "What do you mean, 'if Marvin can't be there for some reason'?"
Shay brushed her hands down her face. "Oh, Vickie, Marvin's afraid to love this baby. He wants to wait until he finds out everything is okay with this pregnancy before he commits himself emotionally to it. Why can't he understand that love doesn't work that way?"
Vickie pulled Shay into her arms. "He'll come around," Vickie told her. "I know he will."
Between sniffles, Shay said, "I hope so, but I'm not as sure as I used to be. I need to be able to count on Marvin to be there for me, and right now I can't."
"Marvin loves you, Shay. Whatever's happening between you now, you have to remember that fact. He loves you, and he loves this baby."
Shay shook her head. "But not enough," she said, "not nearly enough." She leaned back and peered up into her friend's eyes. "So, will you do it?" she asked again. "Will you be a backup coach for us? I want you to go to the childbirth classes and even be with me in the delivery room."
"Try and keep me out," Vickie said with a broad smile. "I'd love to do it, and I'm honored you asked me."
Shay released the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding while she waited for Vickie's answer. "You're one of my closest friends, Vickie," she said. "I count on our friendship, and I depend on you."
"Same here," Vickie said, and Shay thought she saw tears in her eyes.
"Hey, hey," she said. "There's no need for tears."
Vickie shook her head. "Yes, there is," she said. "I count your asking me to be your coach as a special blessing for me from God. I'm going to be a part of bringing a child into the world."
Shay understood her friend's tears then and began to see God's grace in the situation as well. "We're both blessed, Vickie. Thank you for reminding me how much."
Vickie nodded, her tears beginning to subside. "I feel like it's time to pray. What do you think?"
Shay agreed. She and Vickie clasped hands and went to their heavenly Father together.
* * *
Marvin had been a tad skeptical when Shay had mentioned a luau theme for the get-together to introduce Genesis House to some of the leaders in the community, but as he surveyed his backyard he admitted he hadn't given his wife and Vickie enough credit. They had pulled it off with flair. He didn't even want to know where they got the sand, or how they were going to get rid of it, and he was amazed people had actually worn the big floral beach shirts the handwritten invitations had suggested as appropriate attire. He even wore one.
Their backyard proved to be the perfect setting for the gathering of about fifty people. Marvin hated that Bo wasn't among the guests. He'd invited him, but the teen had declined the invitation. In fact, Marvin hadn't seen much of Bo since the day after the Jo-Jo's fiasco, and he missed the boy. He looked forward to the three-on-three basketball matchup that they'd finally scheduled, much to Daniel's dismay.
Marvin turned to look for his friend and saw him chatting with Shay and two older women he had yet to meet. Marvin thought one of them sat on the town council.
Since he and Shay had yet to repair the bridges they'd damaged in their most recent argument, he thought he'd make a stab at mending those bridges now. He went over, casually placed an arm around his wife's waist, and joined in their conversation. He felt the tension in her, though he was sure his guests didn't see it. He wasn't surprised when, after a few minutes, Shay led the women off to the kitchen so they could get the recipe for one of Vickie's side dishes.
Marvin watched his wife stroll away with a pained heart. He turned and found Daniel watching her as well. "Watch it, buddy," he said. "You'd better stop looking at my wife that way."
Daniel turned grim eyes to Marvin. "You're one lucky... no, scratch that... you're one blessed man. When I look at Shay, I wonder if someday I'll regret never getting married and having children. I'll never see my wife radiant with pregnancy the way Shay is now."
Marvin sucked in a deep breath. How did Daniel know? Shay wasn't even showing yet—not enough for anyone to notice, anyway. Of course, he noticed the subtle yet definite changes in her body, but he was her husband, and he noticed everything about her.
"Shay told me," Daniel answered the unspoken question. "I've known since the night you went to Jo-Jo's. I can't believe you didn't tell me, and I definitely can't believe the way you're treating Shay and the baby."
"You don't understand."
Daniel waved off his explanation. "I understand your wife is pregnant with your child and that she's hurting. She needs you, Marvin. Now, not in a couple of weeks or whenever you think it's safe."
Marvin shut out the emotional pain that snaked up his spine. "Look," he said, trying to put some lightness in his voice, "you're supposed to be hobnobbing with the guests, not standing here lecturing me on how to handle my family." He nodded his head at the sheriff, who passed by with Vickie at his side.
"You've got problems, man," Daniel told him. "Big problems."
"Things'll get better soon," Marvin said, thinking about their appointment with the doctor next week, the end of the first trimester. He'd been praying like all get-out that the news would be good. He wasn't quite sure how he'd handle it if it wasn't.
"I'm here if you want to talk about it," Daniel said.
Marvin scanned the faces of the guests in his yard. "Now's not the time, man. If all goes well at the doctor's, and I pray it does, we'll be celebrating this time next week." Before Daniel could comment, Marvin said, "We'd better get back to mingling. We don't want our guests to feel slighted."
Marvin strolled through the crowd, stopping at pockets of people and explaining various facets of the Genesis House concept. All the while, his conversation with Daniel rang in the back of his mind. A few more days, he told himself, pushing aside any guilt feelings he had. A few more days, and all would be well.
"I imagine one of your focuses will be on job preparation and training," a female member of the town council said, interrupting his thoughts.
"That will be a part of our efforts, yes, as we think it's a substantial base," Marvin explained effortlessly, "but we also hope to direct some of our energies to supporting and encouraging entrepreneurial efforts. In fact, we applied for the computer center grant because we think it will support both those goals."
"Entrepreneurial efforts... small business?" the woman repeated. "Are you sure that's appropriate?"
Marvin wasn't offended by the question. He'd expected it. The idea was a new one for Genesis House, another one from his and Shay's New Millennium List. "It's more than appropriate," he said. "While we acknowledge and understand that people have to work and provide for themselves and their families, we also know that many people have dreams for work and service that aren't fulfilled in traditional jobs. We want to support those people as well."
"That's certainly a different approach," the woman said, trying unsuccessfully to hide her pessimism.
"We know it's different, but we also believe it's necessary," Marvin explained. "We have a wealth of untapped resources in the people of this community, and we're never going to see each person's potential realized unless we're open to different approaches. People aren't one-size-fits-all, and Genesis House won't treat them as if they are." Realizing he was standing a bit high on his soapbox, Marvin gave the woman his best smile and added, "A big bonus for the larger community is that as people fulfill their dreams
of starting their own businesses, those businesses will, in turn, support the community by providing jobs and contributing to the local tax base."
The woman's eyes visibly brightened, and Marvin guessed it was the notion of contributing to the tax base that excited her. "Well, if there's anything the town council can do to support your work, do let us know. We want to support any efforts that contribute positively to our community."
"I appreciate your support, and you'll be hearing from us."
Marvin engaged in a few more minutes of conversation before leaving that group and moving on to another. So far, the day had been a major success for Genesis House. He looked up at the sound of his wife's laughter and saw her in a small circle of five people, three men and two women. The thought came to him that he hadn't heard her laughter when they were alone together in a very long time. When had they stopped laughing together? he wondered. Was it before or after she found out she was pregnant? He didn't have to wonder long. He was pretty sure he knew.
As he looked at her now, he allowed memories to surface that he'd gotten in the habit of keeping at bay. He clearly remembered their excitement and joy when they'd learned they were pregnant with Marvin Jr. Of course, at the time, they hadn't known it was a boy. They hadn't cared. They were just happy to be pregnant, happy God was giving them a child.
With a slow smile, Marvin remembered how they'd immediately gone and told Shay's parents. The four of them had celebrated together that very day. Then he and Shay had come home and celebrated together. Every day had been such pleasure for them. He remembered how they'd both watched for the changes in her body that would evidence the life growing within her. They were like children with a new, well-loved toy.
Their joy at their child's birth had been indescribable. A boy. Shay had been determined to name him Junior. Never one to deny her, he'd accepted Marvin Jr. as his son's name. Loving his son had changed Marvin's life as much as loving Shay had. He never would have guessed he had the capacity within him, had he not loved them both so well. He knew he was a better man for having them to love.
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