by Cassie Wild
I still didn’t know if I wanted to be the president, but when I found a woman, she was going to be with me because she wanted me, not my fucking position. Even my own mother was shacking up with the acting president on the off-chance he ever became the president in truth, all because she didn’t want to lose the position she’d held before my father was sent to prison.
Of course, that was easier said than done considering the kind of life I led.
All the more reason to get out of it.
I silenced the voice.
More and more, I thought about getting out of this life, leaving the club behind. There were things I’d miss – my friends, mostly. There was a sense of brotherhood in a club that I wasn’t sure was found elsewhere, and I knew I’d miss that if I ever left. But there were other things that were starting to override even that.
Like what had happened today.
I would never be able to rid myself of the stain I now carried for what happened between Trice and me – or the guilt that came along with it. Guilt over the plain and simple fact that a huge part of me didn’t regret what happened against that door. Not even a little.
I was tired of all of it, though. I was tired of not being able to go see my sister when she was hurt from a car wreck, tired of never being able to see my nieces and nephews, tired of living a life that felt like a dirty, second-layer of skin that I just itched to peel off.
If Dad hadn’t ended up in prison, if my brother Trent hadn’t died, I might have done the same thing Elaine and Suzie had done – gotten as far away from Los Angeles as I could and left all of this shit behind. Instead, because Dad had ended up behind bars and Trent was gone, I was thrust into taking care of the family from the time I was a teenager. Now, I just didn’t know any other way.
Stop brooding. Do your job, I told myself. Dragging my thoughts away from the ugly shit that had become my life, I focused on the building in front of me. Somebody was already waiting inside. I could see lights and movement.
But we weren’t going inside yet.
We were thirty minutes early, and I wanted to take a walk around. Zeb and I exchanged looks. “Meet back in ten?”
He nodded and headed off in one direction while Sully and I went in the other.
He stayed quiet, fortunately.
Ten minutes later, we were back at our bikes, beating Zeb by almost a minute. I didn’t let myself get worried. Zeb could take care of himself better than almost any man I knew, but Sully was getting anxious.
Finally, the tall, pale man emerged from the night.
“Anything?” I asked.
“Nah.” He hitched up a shoulder in a shrug. “I saw a van, wanted to make sure it wasn’t cops or anything. Just some old work van though. Sitting empty.”
“What’s your gut say on this?” I asked him.
“I think it’s clean,” he said with another shrug, looking toward the building. “But if we get in there and anything feels off to you, we peel out of here. I’ll have your back the whole way. You just say the word.”
“Same here,” Sully said.
Neither of them had ever voiced it outright, but I knew I had their loyalty. They’d side with me over TU if things came down to it.
For all the headache TU had put us through, it was a lousy haul. Seven cases of bourbon, cheap, yeah, but hardly worth the hassle of having the three of us come out here and pay for it, then set up transport. But I never once got a feeling anything was off.
Once I’d put in a call to Dallas to come pick up the merchandise, I cracked open one of the cases and took a bottle. “You want one?” I asked Zeb, then Sully.
Both of them shook their heads.
I didn’t blame them. I had no doubt that TU would harass me for touching the merchandise, but that was the entire reason I’d done it. He was goading me more and more, and I was doing the same thing back to him.
Once we were alone in the parking lot of the warehouse, I stowed the bourbon, then turned to face my friends. “I’m done.”
“You going to be at the bar later?” Sully asked.
“No. I’m heading on home.” My head was killing me, and I couldn’t quit thinking about Trice. Zeb nodded at me and turned toward his bike.
Sully and his smart mouth couldn’t let things go, though. “Heading on home? It’s fuckin’ early, man.” He shoved his hands into his back pockets and rocked onto his heels. “I know…I bet you’re going to go find that cute piece of ass you brought to the bar earlier. What was her name?”
I clenched my jaw instinctively but relaxed it immediately. Sully and I were friends, but he was still a rough son of a bitch. I didn’t want to show him any kind of emotion – not about Trice.
“Not going to tell me?” He gave me a look of mock hurt. “Fine…I’ll ask her next time she comes around. I’m hoping it’s soon. I wouldn’t mind a piece of–”
The rest of the words were stuffed down his throat as I swung out. I felt the impact jolt straight up my arm, and it was one of the most satisfying things I’d ever felt. His pained grunt was equally satisfying, and I watched as he stumbled back and fell into his bike.
Hands curled into loose fists, I readied myself to go at him again if he said one more thing about Trice.
The thought of him – or anybody – touching Trice was enough to make my head explode.
He shoved upright, blinking to clear his head.
“What the fuck was that for?” he shouted.
Zeb got between us before I could swing again.
“It’s because you’re a dumb ass,” the big guy said, directing his words at Sully. “And you’re wising up right now. Right, Sully?” He looked at me instead of waiting for an answer from Sully. “He’s wising up, man. It’s all good.”
I held Zeb’s eyes for a minute, my fist throbbing dully. But not enough. I wanted to feel actual pain in my hands – both of them – the kind of pain that came from beating somebody shitless.
I shifted around so I could see past him and looked hard at Sully. “You don’t open your mouth about her like that again, you got it? And if you do see her, you don’t touch her.”
He gaped at me, then snapped his mouth shut.
Blood welled from his swollen lower lip, but after a few seconds, he nodded. “Sorry, man. I didn’t…fuck. Sorry.”
I turned on my heel and strode to my bike. I was so fucking done with this day.
Eighteen
Trice
I let myself into the house, rolling my shoulders to release some of the tension there.
I’d just finished my third week at my new job. It wasn’t anything fancy – I was a server at a restaurant just a few blocks away, but the tips were good, and I liked the people I worked with. Plus, every penny I made was mine. I didn’t have to worry about my mother or Gabriel or the clan leader coming to claim seventy percent of what I made.
Gabriel was still in jail. I had no idea what was going on there, although I’d heard he had made a deal over the charges in Monterey. There was talk of charges being pressed in LA County, though, and both Suria and I were scheduled to testify as witnesses against him.
Mom had tried to guilt me into coming back. I wasn’t letting her.
It had been a month since I’d run from that house, and I’d taken Joelle’s words to heart – they couldn’t make me go back.
I’d called my mother a few days after arriving at Kian’s, under some naïve, mistaken belief that she might be worried about me. No, she was only worried about herself.
Because I hadn’t thought to block the number of my pay-as-you-go phone when I called her, she’d been calling me relentlessly since that day. I answered at first, but when it became clear that she would never change, I no longer answered the calls.
As depressing and hurtful as it was, I was no longer under any illusion that she actually cared about me at all. It was clear the only reason she wanted me back was so she could press me into marriage with that horrible Ephraim.
“I can’t make it on
my own. What will I do if you don’t marry Ephraim?” she’d asked me.
Then she’d tried to throw her weight around. “You come back, or I’ll report you to the police.”
That had scared me a little, but Suria had been right there, and she’d taken the phone from me and laughed right into it. “Report her for what? Leaving? She’s nineteen! I’ve got an idea…you report her, and we’ll report you for locking her in her room. I went to the house and got inside. I still have my key, you know. I saw the padlock, Jade. The cops are already eying the entire clan because of what’s going on with Dad. You really want to risk them looking at you too?”
The few calls I took after that were much more along the lines of guilting me into returning, and I eventually stopped answering.
Suria surprised me with a phone a few days ago, insisting that I take it. She was working part-time at Kian’s garage and told me she’d gotten a great deal at a cellular carrier for three lines, and I’d hurt her feelings if I didn’t take the phone.
So, I took it and stopped carrying the one I’d used to call my mother.
I hadn’t stopped charging the battery…yet. I wasn’t quite ready to sever that one connection to the only life I’d ever known, but I was getting closer.
One of these days, I’d cut all the ties from that old life, and I’d never look back.
In the kitchen, I opened the fridge, staring at the contents. I was pondering some cheese and crackers when Joelle came in and dumped her backpack on the table. She’d recently switched to a school in this district and had started riding the bus.
Kian and Suria had filed for guardianship and had heard just a few days ago that their request for temporary guardianship had been approved, but Joelle needed to get her butt back into school and not miss a single day. She’d missed several weeks, but upon hearing the story about what had almost happened, the social service worker had been compelled to be understanding about why so much class had been missed.
I was surprised the social worker had believed them. Sometimes, even though I’d lived through a version of it myself, I still had a hard time believing everything that had happened.
It had all taken on a surreal sort of quality. Even everything that had happened with Lane.
Lane…
“You’re doing it again,” Joelle said, her voice wry.
I blinked and focused on her face. “Doing what?”
“That weird zoning out thing where you just stare off into space. You had this weird little smile this time. Were you thinking about Prince Charming?” Joelle had a big grin on her face as she moved to the freezer and opened it up, pulling out a pint of ice cream.
My belly rumbled at the sight of it.
Ice cream sounded much better than cheese and crackers. “Is there more of that?”
“No, but I’ll share.” She pulled out two spoons, and we sat down side by side at the breakfast bar. She stabbed her spoon into the cold, creamy mix then looked at me. “So, who is he?”
I fought not to blush as I followed suit, spooning up a healthy dollop of cookies and cream. “Who is who?” I asked.
“The guy you keep thinking about. It’s got to be a guy. You’ve got the same smile on your face that Suria gets when she’s thinking about Kian.”
I made a pointed effort to roll my eyes, calling up all the acting skills I’d ever used as I met Joelle’s steady gaze. “There is no guy, Jo. Seriously, when would I have had a chance to meet anybody? Before Mom decided to lock me and throw away the key? Over the past few weeks when I’ve been busy trying to learn how to not drop a tray of dishes?”
“Oh, come on.” She laughed. “You dropped a tray one time – on your third day. You haven’t done it since. Even the manager told you that it happens to everybody once.”
I stuck my tongue out at her.
She responded by smacking me on the nose with her spoon – which still had ice cream on it.
The sweet confection promptly fell off the tip of my nose and landed on my chest, just above the V-neck of my uniform shirt. I yelped and sprang up off the stool, knocking it over in my rush. Hurrying to the sink while Joelle laughed, I scooped the ice cream out and grabbed at the paper towels.
She continued to chortle behind me. “Serves you right. You shouldn’t be keeping secrets,” she said in a singsong voice.
“I’m not, you brat,” I said, lying through my teeth.
But I wasn’t about to tell Joelle about Lane.
It had been hard enough to clue Suria in on some of the details, embarrassing as they were.
I didn’t want anybody else knowing.
Ever.
Especially since I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
It had just been sex to him – it had to be.
But it had been…it had felt like a lot more to me.
That’s because it was your first time. Girls always want to think their first time is special.
But even that wasn’t enough to fool me. There had been nothing special about what had happened between us.
Crazy, erotic, basic, sure.
But special?
No.
It shouldn’t have happened the way it did, and I was logical enough to know that.
And yet…I didn’t regret it.
I still dreamed about it.
I still dreamed about him.
It just went to show how silly I really could be.
Lane had probably already forgotten about me, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
It was my turn to cook dinner.
We’d fallen into a rotation of sorts.
Suria had a few nights a week where she and Kian worked late at the garage he owned, and luckily, those nights fell on the days where I got off work early in the afternoon, so we’d just made those the nights that I handled dinner.
It was almost fun to do it because Kian always made sure there was plenty of food to cook, and his kitchen was a complete dream to be in.
Tonight, I was making lasagna. I’d been craving it earlier, although now that I had the sausage browning, my belly wasn’t exactly cooperating. Saliva kept pooling in my mouth, and I kept having to swallow, feeling like I might get sick.
I finally turned the task over to Joelle and sat on a stool to supervise – she could burn water if she wasn’t being directed step by step.
With some distance between me and the pungent scent of the cooking meat, my belly settled a little, and I sipped a Sprite. She got it in the oven without incident, then she settled down to work on her homework while I wandered into the library Kian was slowly building.
I’d always loved to read, but the only time I could ever get my hands on any books was through the library at school and the rare occasion I could get to one of the local public branches. Having a bunch of books at hand that I hadn’t read was absolutely amazing.
I found a fantasy author I’d heard about. Settling down in a corner, I flipped open the book and told myself to forget about everything for a while.
For a while, I did.
Even after I put the book down to eat, the vague feeling of dissatisfaction that had plagued me for the past week or two settled down into complacency. Near the end of the meal, I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom, and when I came back, everybody else had finished.
Since Joelle and I had started the meal, Kian and Suria would clean up, and I found them alone in the kitchen.
Pausing in the doorway, I watched as Kian pulled her into his arms and slow-danced her across the room.
My breath hitched in my throat at the sight.
There was no music playing, but that didn’t seem to matter to them. They swung around the room as though some grand orchestra was playing, their faces turned toward each other, Kian’s gaze intent while Suria had a small smile playing on her lips.
My heart ached.
That vague wisp of envy I’d felt earlier returned.
I wasn’t jealous of her, exactly.
I was happy that she’d found
something – somebody. She had a fit here, and after a lifetime of wearing a mask and doing what she had to in order to survive and help care for me and Joelle, she deserved something that was hers.
I just wanted…something that was mine.
Memories of Lane flickered to life inside my mind, and I brushed them aside – at least, I tried to.
What we’d had, whatever it was, was nothing like what Kian and Suria had. Insta-lust, circumstances, temporary insanity, whatever it had been, it hadn’t been love.
But that didn’t keep me from thinking about him.
It didn’t keep me from dreaming about him.
And I dreamed about him all the time.
A faint whisper pulled my attention back to the here and now, and I focused on Kian and Suria just as he went to kiss her, his hand sliding up her back to tangle in her hair.
I cleared my throat, making my presence known.
They stopped dancing, and I slid into the kitchen, offering them a weak smile. “Sorry to interrupt.”
Suria smiled at me but didn’t move from Kian’s arms. “You’re not.”
Kian nuzzled her hair before giving me a smile. He didn’t say anything as he turned back to the sink and turned on the water.
“We didn’t start clearing because we weren’t sure if you were done or not,” Suria said, gesturing to the table. “You didn’t eat much.”
I eyed my plate and the deconstructed lasagna. I’d eaten the noodles and cheese, but not much else. My belly cringed at the thought of trying to eat anything else. Shaking my head, I said, “I’m done.” Although I knew the answer, I gestured to the table. “Want any help?”
“We’ve got it.” Suria smiled at me. “You go get off your feet. That new job must be exhausting you.”
“Yeah.” I shrugged and turned away, still feeling out of sorts. It was too early to go to bed, but I had no desire to read or watch TV.