I cringed when I walked through the door. I waited to hear the laughter and the whispering, taunting, and teasing; however, no one said an unkind word or made an unkind gesture. Miss Weatherbee stood, welcomed me back, and began her lesson as if nothing had ever happened.
I took out my chalk and slate and kept my eyes from meeting anyone’s. I spent the morning recovering from my emotional turmoil by concentrating on my work, making sure I got everything correct. When Miss Weatherbee came to check my work, she was pleased. Then I caught a glimpse of Heath smiling with great satisfaction. Not long after, it was time for lunch and recess. Opal had packed my lunch along with the boys’. We each had our own serving of deviled ham and soda crackers. We found a comfortable spot to dig into our pails under a maple tree with leaves in peak autumn colors.
“I’m sorry about what happened to you, Lillian,” Ayden said, sitting next to me.
“It was so embarrassing,” I mumbled.
“Well, it’s over now,” Heath said.
Then Ayden began to give me the names of the school children. “The two youngest are Marvin and Mary. They’re twins. Over there is Eleanor.” She was the brown-haired girl that sat next to me. He pointed out and named the group of girls near her. “Clara, Betty, and Eloise.” The boy beside Heath on the school bench was William. He was already sixteen, but ranked on the third-grade level. “He’s not book-smart,” Ayden informed me. “So Miss Weatherbee never calls on him. He’s lucky.”
“He is not lucky, Ayden. It is unfortunate,” Heath chimed in.
We had an hour to eat and play. I wanted to stay away from the others because of my dress. It still had a slightly foul odor. Ayden ate quickly then went to join the boys in a game of marbles. The girls were playing hopscotch. I had never played that before. Heath saw my interest and suggested I go over.
“No, I don’t want to, Heath. This is fine, sitting here with you. Besides, I have a new book I want to read.” I opened the first page of Black Beauty.
The day was rather warm, and not a cloud floated in the sky. It was nice to be off the island. Heath also took out a book, but when I looked over the top of my book at him, he wasn’t reading. He was watching the girls. One particular girl, Clara, was the prettiest. She had long, silvery-blond hair and large, cornflower blue eyes. She stood out from the other girls; her figure was more like a mature woman’s, even more than Miss Weatherbee’s. She had shapely curves and a large bosom. Heath seemed captivated by Clara. I had never seen him look at anyone the way he looked at her. Instantly I was jealous, but I didn’t want Heath to see.
“How is your book, Heath?” I asked. His face turned red, and he quickly shifted his eyes from Clara to his book then mumbled, “Good. My book is good.”
I wanted to call him out, tell him that I saw him watching her. I wanted to yell that I was prettier than Clara. I wanted Heath to look at me with zealous eyes. But I didn’t have what Momma said men liked to look at, what made men stop in their tracks.
“When you grow older, Lillian, you will blossom, and every man will turn to gaze your way,” she told me one evening when I was eight years old. Every man, sailor, and captain that laid eyes on Momma stared in awe at her beauty. I wanted to know why. What she told me made me afraid. I wasn’t sure I wanted every man to want me. I only wanted the man I fell in love with to want me. Momma didn’t seem to mind all the attention she received, but I knew Daddy hated it. He glared at the men whose eyes lingered on her.
The bell rang, and we all hurried back inside for the remainder of the school day. I was glad when it was finally time to return home. I wanted to get out of my filthy dress, I wanted a hot supper, and most of all I wanted to climb into bed and try not to remember too much about my first day of school. I didn’t want to remember that Heath found Clara so beautiful. As much as I wanted to forget, Daddy was waiting for me, to hear every detail about my day. When I came inside, he immediately noticed my stained dress.
“What happened?”
“I wasn’t feeling well; I got sick,” I admitted, and then asked to be excused so I could change. Daddy wanted to know more and wouldn’t allow me to go to my room.
“Why were you sick? You were fine when I left you.” Daddy was bothered.
“It was just nerves, Daddy. I quickly felt better.”
He was suspicious, and I could see he was beginning to regret sending me. I had to think of something to ease his concerns.
“Heath helped me clean up, and Miss Weatherbee gave me great sympathy. It was fine, Daddy, really,” I said, hoping he would believe me.
“No one made fun of you? The children were nice to you, Lillian?” he asked, rubbing his square chin with the tips of his fingers.
“Yes, Daddy. I made all kinds of new friends. I even made a new best friend. Her name is Clara,” I lied. I wasn’t sure what drove me to make up such a fib, but it sounded good. Daddy’s face relaxed. He was satisfied.
“Okay then. Clean up for supper.” Before I turned to go upstairs, I asked how Momma was feeling and if she was going to join us for supper.
“Not tonight, Lillian,” he said softly. I couldn’t remember the last time Momma dined with us. It had been so long. The only time I got to see her was before bed. Then I came to her the same way she used to come to me. I was now the one to brush her long hair and kiss her goodnight. Sometimes she was happy to see me. She would open her loving arms and welcome me. Although she was weak, I could still feel the love she had for me. She would tell me that she would be better soon and able to spend real time with me again.
Then there were the nights that Momma sat up and stared off into the darkness. She didn’t call for me; she didn’t even realize I was there until I lit the oil lamp and spoke to her. Then with her glazed-over eyes, she would try to focus on me. Once again, she didn’t know it was me, and called me Hattie.
“Where have you been all day, Hattie? Come sit with me,” she said in a timid, childlike voice.
“Momma, it’s Lillian. I’m not Hattie,” I said, holding back my tears. I hated when she called me that name. I didn’t know who Hattie was.
“Were you off playing with Jacob-Thomas again? You’re going to get into a wad of trouble,” Momma said, with a thick southern accent. It seemed she was pretending, possibly playing a cruel joke on me. But when I looked deep into her eyes, I knew her mind was far away. I couldn’t tolerate being around her when she was like that and found it becoming that way more often than not.
I didn’t spend long at supper. I was exhausted and asked to be excused early. I kissed Daddy on the cheek, and as I went to go, he reminded me to stop in and say goodnight to Momma. I took a long breath then let it out in a heavy sigh. Daddy put his pipe down when he noticed my apprehension.
“Lillian, is there something wrong with saying goodnight to your momma?”
Everyone had stopped eating to wait for my answer, but I paid no attention to it. With pleading, tear-filled eyes, I looked at Daddy and said, “She thinks I am someone named Hattie.”
Daddy’s troubled, dark eyes widened and locked onto mine. The way he looked at me, alarm covering his face as if it were some kind of mask, made my heart cry out for the mother I knew, though I tried to deny it, would never be mine again.
_______________
Chapter Eight
School was a great escape from the disturbing days on the island. I became just as passionate as Heath about book learning. I excelled, and within the first month, Miss Weatherbee sent a note to Daddy requesting permission for a grade level advancement.
“You don’t want to bite off more than you can chew, Lillian,” he said as I followed him out to the barn. The stalls were completed and a milking cow had been paid for. Daddy was told he could bring it out to the island whenever the weather permitted. The seas had been choppy, the swells too high to transport the animal. The water was almost too rough for Heath to row us to school.
“What does that mean, Daddy?” What was I biting off?
“It m
eans that you should leave well enough alone. Your grades have been excellent where you are ranked now. If Miss Weatherbee moves you up, maybe you will find the work too difficult.”
I leaned up against the barn wall and watched as he tightened a few loose bolts in the stall.
“I can do it, Daddy. I want to. I won’t fail; I won’t let you down,” I said, hoping he could easily be reassured. He wasn’t.
“It has all happened so fast, Lillian. A month ago, you weren’t ever going to attend school; now you are being advanced, and then who knows what else? Will you be sent to the university next?” Daddy was exaggerating, most likely out of fear. He was worried I would be hurt, or maybe he worried that my excellence in school would somehow take me further from his protection.
“Can you at least think it over?” I asked. He stopped, sighed heavily, and said, “Okay, I will think about it.”
I ran up and kissed his scruffy cheek.
“All I want is for you to be happy, Lillian. You understand that, right?”
Of course I understood. Deep down, I was glad he was so protective of me. I knew Daddy would always make sure nothing bad happened.
With Daddy’s word that he would think it over, I left him to go to the Daltons’ and help prepare supper. Opal had just returned from seeing Momma. I always knew when she had been with her. Opal’s eyes revealed the encounter; they were dark and troubled. I wanted to ask how Momma was, if there were any change, but I was afraid to hear the answer. Daddy and Opal did their best to keep me from knowing how bad it really was. But sometimes something would slip out.
“She kept asking for her brother,” Opal whispered to Edward. I was by the stove, stirring the soup. They thought I was far enough away not to listen. I knew for certain Momma didn’t have a brother. Momma always told me I was an only child, like herself. She said she understood how lonely it was not to grow up with a sibling.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a brother or a sister,” she would say with such pity in her soft voice.
Opal went on to describe Momma as senseless. Edward must have become aware that I was listening by my hurt expression. He cleared his throat, which made Opal look at me.
“Oh, you poor dear,” she said, and came to hug me. It had been so long since I had been hugged by Momma that I immediately burst into tears. Ayden had just walked in when he saw me crying.
“What’s the matter with Lillian?”
“Hush now, Ayden,” Edward said.
“Is she crying about her crazy mother?”
My head shot up when he said that. They all thought she was crazy?
“Ayden Alexander Dalton!” Opal yelled.
Edward took him by the collar and removed him from the kitchen. I let go of Opal and ran out of the kitchen, through the house, and outside. I ran past our house and towards the beach as I caught a glimpse of Momma standing at the edge of the bluff. What was she doing there? She was in her bed clothes, her long hair down, lying along her thin arms. Daddy was still in the barn, so I hurried to get him. Lady appeared and followed me. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and said in a panic, “Momma is out by the bluff.”
Daddy dropped his tool and took off, yelling her name. Heath came running when he heard the alarm in Daddy’s voice. He had been fixing a loose board on the chicken coup. Momma was on the edge, about to jump off.
“Amelia, stop!” Daddy cried. Heath got to her first, but she had already taken a step off, and as he grabbed hold of her, they both fell into the sea.
“Edward, Opal!” I called out. “Help!”
Daddy plunged into the sea after them, and Lady followed suit. Her strong instinct to save Momma from drowning kicked in, and she paddled out with them.
“Lillian, what is it? What’s wrong?” Edward asked when he came running.
“Daddy, Momma, and Heath,” I sobbed, pointing to the bluff. “They went over to save Momma.”
Edward bolted down to the edge to look over then he rushed to the boats. Ayden was right behind, and together they pushed the boat out then jumped in. Daddy tried to swim to where Heath had Momma by the back of her clothes. He was trying desperately to keep them both above water.
“Over there; they are over there!” I yelled to Edward. He rowed with conviction to save their lives.
“I got her; I got her,” Heath called. Daddy finally reached them, but the heavy surf was sending them straight towards the rocks. Opal had come to my side and reached for my hand, then said with a jittery voice, “They will be fine; Edward will pull them to safety.”
I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t think Opal was, either. We stood helpless as Heath and Momma were dunked over and over by the violent waves. Momma seemed oblivious to it all it. Daddy told Heath to let go and let him hold Momma, but Heath wouldn’t. Finally, after battling the treacherous currents, Edward reached them, and with Ayden’s help, lifted Momma in first, then Heath. Daddy grabbed onto the boat and flung himself into it, and Lady paddled back to shore.
Opal had me run to get the blankets. “Hurry, Lillian!”
Our house was closer. I retrieved blankets from both rooms and had them at the shore as Edward pulled the boat up onto the beach. Heath climbed out. Daddy lifted out Momma, who was unconscious, just as Ayden had been the night he almost drowned. But Momma was breathing; she was alive. Daddy scooped her up and ran with her in his arms to the house to lay her down before the fire. I was shaking from the ordeal and sick to my stomach. Opal came and held my hair back as I heaved.
“It’s all over. She is fine,” she said. But Momma was not fine. She was crazy, just as Ayden said. She tried to kill herself, and Heath and Daddy almost died saving her.
After I had emptied my stomach, I sat on the ground. Heath walked up, soaked to the bone. Opal told him to get inside and change into warm clothes. “And sit by the fire. I will be right there.”
I didn’t know what to do, or where to go. I was afraid to go back to the house. I didn’t want to see what Momma was like. It was Opal’s idea to have me spend the night at their house.
“You will be all right, Lillian. God has a plan for all of us. Sometimes we don’t always understand what it is.”
Was Opal telling me that God wanted Momma to jump off the edge of the bluff? Did God want her to kill herself? That was a sin; that couldn’t be in God’s plan. Then I realized the devil himself told Momma to do it. The devil was making Momma crazy.
I was emotionally exhausted when I sat down next to the fire where Heath was warming his hands. He was still shivering from his plunge into the bitterly cold Atlantic. Opal came and brought us each a bowl of soup.
“Stay warm, Heath. I don’t want you catching pneumonia the way Ayden did.”
“I will, Mother,” he said, and drank the hot chicken soup straight from the bowl.
I watched him and wondered if he was angry with Momma. He didn’t look angry, but I wouldn’t blame him if he was. He risked his life to save her. And if he wasn’t angry with Momma, I certainly was. I wanted to thank Heath for saving her, but I was afraid to say anything. He sat without words, just staring into the fire. Edward came in and hung his hat, and told me Momma was better, and that Daddy had put her back in bed.
“Did he lock the door?” Opal asked when she stepped out from the kitchen.
“Yes, the door is locked.”
Heath lowered his head and closed his eyes. He was either relieved that she was safe from harm, or that he wouldn’t have to risk his life again. Jumping into the arctic sea wasn’t the way Heath wanted to save someone. That’s what Ayden and Edward were born to do. It wasn’t his way, and after that day, I could see how much Heath longed to leave behind everything about the lighthouse station and go off to the university, where he would get his medical degree and become a doctor. That’s the way Heath wanted to be a hero.
Ayden came to see me before I fell asleep in his bed. He had been kind enough to allow me to use his room. “I’ll sleep on the floor beside the fire,” he’d said.
“Thank you, Ayden,” I said before he closed the door to allow me to change.
“Lillian?”
“Yes, Ayden?”
“I’m sorry about what I said. I’m sorry for calling your mother crazy,” he said, then softly closed the door.
But he was right, and I knew it.
Opal told me when I came down for breakfast that Daddy had gone to fetch the doctor.
“You can stay home from school today if you need to, Lillian,” she said.
Ayden and Heath sat and waited to see what I wanted to do. But I, more than anything, wanted to go. Heath looked better; his face was rosy and full of the jovial spirit I had come to expect.
Because Heath was physically tired from the rescue, he allowed Ayden to row to the mainland. Ayden was a good rower, but he did not have Heath’s speed.
The day was overcast, and there was a strong threat of rain.
“You have to hurry up,” Heath said to Ayden as a few drops of rain began to fall.
Ayden struggled, but increased the tempo so we arrived on the mainland just before the storm blew in.
“Hurry,” Ayden said. We ran and made it to the school just as the torrent came down.
Quickly we took our seats then Miss Weatherbee called me up to her desk. “Your father gave me permission to move you up a ranking,” she said.
“He was here?”
“This morning. He signed the papers.” She smiled at me, pleased.
Daddy had come through for me; he hadn’t forgotten about me, even through all the mayhem with Momma.
Miss Weatherbee told me to take a new seat beside Clara Roth. I grabbed my slate and chalk and sat beside her. She whispered, “Hello,” then slid over. I felt so small next to her; her beauty cast a shadow over me. I wanted so much to look like her when I was her age. I wanted Heath to look at me the way he did Clara. Now that I sat on the same row, Heath had a reason to glance at her. When he had the opportunity, he would smile at me, but I knew very well why he was doing it. I didn’t like it; it annoyed me. I had never seen someone so enamored with a woman, except for Daddy. He used to gaze at Momma with such yearning eyes. However, lately, he only had eyes full of despair for her. It was devastating to see how quickly things in life could change, as if a rug could be pulled right out from under you. That’s what happened with Momma. No one saw it coming. It was like the storms that broke out of nowhere, like the calm, still sea that suddenly began to cast giant swells that violently took massive ships to their watery graves.
The Girl in the Lighthouse (Arrington) Page 9