by Kira Blakely
I was in love with him, and the thought of never seeing him again left me in despair. Essentially my life had come down to protecting my son versus letting him have both parents, because Mary was very right. I knew Bolt well enough to know that if he found out about Jinx, he would want his parental rights. In all honesty, I had to agree that he deserved them. He’d never done anything but be kind and generous to me, and I was being a real schmuck by paying him back with fear and distrust. If only he could find a way to be honest with me. I knew I could overlook the past if we could start again fresh and have an open, honest relationship. I’d given him so many opportunities to promise me that, even if it was nothing more than a promise, but he hadn’t done it. That made me wonder. Why hadn’t he at least lied and said he would, hoping to overcome my objections later on? Was he protecting me from something? Was he protecting someone else?
The whole situation made me feel exhausted and sad. I made myself a few saltine crackers with peanut butter for supper and took a cup of tea with me into the bedroom. I gathered every pillow I owned, trying to support the aching parts of my body that never got a full night’s rest. I rolled like a beached whale beneath the blankets, shoved the pillows into the small of my back and beneath my knees and played music on my phone, hoping to fall asleep.
As Jinx grew heavier within me, the periods between bathroom runs throughout the night grew shorter and shorter. I had them down to where I didn’t even need to turn on the lights. My space was compact, and the soles of my feet knew the textures between the edge of my bed and the cool tile of the bathroom. I didn’t even open my eyes, trying desperately not to awaken fully. It made it so much easier to fall asleep.
I groaned to myself as the need woke me up. I got a little hip momentum going so that I could roll over and maybe even make it to my feet in one motion. I stood up and immediately collapsed back on the bed as a deep aching cramp found its way from my lower back to beneath my belly. I sat on the bed a few moments, waiting for it to pass, and eventually it did. I made my bathroom run and found my way back to the bed, lying down and pushing pillows into position when the ache began again. I laid awake for some time, recalling what I’d eaten that could have given me such indigestion.
The cramps became harder, and it was with a feeling of idiocy that I eventually recognized I might be in labor. The thought made me roll, trying to sit up, but another cramp caught me and made me breathless. I was reaching for my phone when there was an odd, wet sensation around me. Is this the water that’s supposed to break? Jesus!
My first thought was to call for Mary, until I remembered she had left town with her son. So much for my knowing that everything would be OK. Maybe this was my first mom-worry lesson. The only other person I could think to call was my sister, and she would be a long shot. She didn’t even know I was pregnant.
“Natalie?” I waited for her to come out of her grogginess and recognize me. With any luck, she might not be drunk.
“Lilly? Why the hell are you calling me in the middle of the night?”
“I know, I know. I knew you wouldn’t be happy, but this is important. I need your help.”
“What’s wrong? Did you get yourself locked up?”
I decided to resort to Natalie language. “You might call it more knocked up. Look, I’ve been scarce lately because I’m going to have a baby. In fact, if what I’m feeling is the real thing, it could happen within the next twelve hours. I need some help. I’m alone, as you know, and the woman who was going to help me just happens to be out of town. Can you possibly come over and drive me to the hospital?”
There was a long pause. I heard some muttering and a male voice asking several questions. “Kenny wants to know how far apart your contractions are.”
I was completely amazed that she took it in stride. Was it possible she had known already? I couldn’t imagine her holding back on that kind of information. It would’ve been more like her to rub my nose in it. Nevertheless, I wasn’t in a situation to be argumentative. “I haven’t been timing them, but I would guess about ten to twelve minutes.”
I heard her repeat that, and Kenny’s voice took on an urgent tone. I couldn’t understand his words, but the nuances assured me that they wouldn’t turn me down.
“Get dressed, throw some clothes together, and start timing your contractions.”
The call ended, and I realized it was no time for social niceties. She was finally stepping up and being my big sister. She gave me orders that were common sense and helped me hold the panic to a minimum.
Another cramp hit me, and although I hadn’t taken the Lamaze classes, I’d gotten the gist of the idea and was puffing. Whether it was the right time to be effective or not, it made me feel better to think I was doing something to diminish the pain. When it passed, I got to my feet and folded up the blankets and sheets, tossing them into the bathtub until they could get properly washed. I washed myself as best I could at the sink and then pulled on the most comfortable clothing in my closet. I had luckily already packed a small suitcase and set it by the bedroom door, so that part was done.
I looked at the crib, waiting with its blue blankets and stuffed animals. I wished everything was over and that Jinx was lying there, kicking his feet in the air and wanting to be picked up. I knew there was a lot of work between that point and where I was, so I tried to stay calm and went in to lie on the old sofa and wait for Natalie. As an afterthought, I got up and unlocked the doors in case I was in the middle of a contraction when she arrived.
I could feel another one starting and was already dreading the crescendo that began in my lower back and crept around to the front of me. I gripped the throw pillow and moaned, wondering if they could become any worse than they were. I would soon learn that what I was feeling was the bottom of the mountain I had yet to climb.
There was a tap at the door, and I heard the handle turn. I wasn’t worried that anyone was breaking in. If they were, I hoped they had a car and could drive me to the hospital. After all, I had nothing to steal. To my utter shock, it was Bolt’s face that was leaning over mine when I opened my eyes. I tried to sit up with a start. “What are you doing here?”
“Save it. Kenny called me. Let’s get you to the hospital.” His voice was neither compassionate nor angry. It was cold and efficient. I couldn’t blame him. I hadn’t told him about the baby. I decided at this point to concentrate on bringing Jinx safely into the world. I could deal with Bolt later.
“Put your arms around my neck,” he commanded me, and I obeyed without question. He hefted me up against his chest, pushed out the storm door, and strode through the short front yard to the curb where his car waited. He opened the back door and deposited me on the seat. “I’ll get your things.”
I felt another cramp coming, and I knew they were closer. “Bolt, hurry, I think I’m in trouble. They’re coming faster than they’re supposed to,” I called out to him. I heard my front door slam, and then with a whoosh of cold air, he opened the passenger seat, and my luggage was thrown in. There was a second whoosh, and he hit the ignition as he slammed his door. “Where’s your doctor?”
“Norton’s,” was all I could manage. “Oh god, Bolt, this hurts so much more than I thought it would.”
“Hold on. I’ll get you there, and they’ll give you something for the pain. This is normal, and women go through it every day. You’re strong, and you’ll be fine. Just don’t get scared. I’m here with you.”
“Thank you,” I said in a grateful tone.
He cleared his throat. “Is there someone I should call?”
“I already called Natalie, you know that.”
“That’s not who I’m talking about.” His voice was even, almost stern. That’s when it dawned on me. He didn’t know the baby was his. He thought the father was someone else. Part of me was angry that he’d think I was out screwing around, but at that moment, I didn’t care.
“No.”
I knew that was not what he was after, but it was all I could deal wit
h at the moment.
The only thing I heard him mutter was, “No wonder you’ve been avoiding me.” I let it go. I didn’t want to say any more. I couldn’t say any more.
I could see the large red neon letters spelling EMERGENCY as we pulled up to the doors. Bolt went inside and returned almost immediately with the wheelchair. He lifted me from the back seat and put me in the chair, grabbing my bag and holding it against the handles as he pushed me inside. He brought me up to the admissions counter, and the nurse tapped her keyboard and looked up at me expectantly.
“May I help you?”
“I’m having a baby.” I looked to see what Bolt was doing and found that he left me there. I didn’t know whether he had gone to park the car only, or whether he had gone for good. Either way, he got me into the hands of the people I needed most. Maybe he was giving me the privacy to give the nurse the information he didn’t want to hear.
Bolt wasn’t with me as I finished my labor. I had no way of knowing whether this was at his own request, or whether they wouldn’t let him into my room since he was not a relative. Either way, it only took another thirty minutes, and Jinx made his way into the world. They laid him on my tummy, his umbilical cord not yet cut. He was purple and red and covered with goo, and I was instantly in love with him. The doctor severed the cord, and he was taken temporarily as they cleaned him up and pronounced him healthy. They finished up with me and then rolled me to a room. Jinx joined me not long thereafter.
Later that day, someone from the administrative offices showed up with a sheath of papers. She needed insurance information, as well as the details for his birth certificate.
She was a young woman and the tag on her blouse read “Nina.” I pulled out my medical card and handed it to her. When she’d finished with that form, she went on to the next. “Your child’s name?”
“Jackson Bolton Symington,” I heard myself say. I hoped it might be months before I was required to tell anyone his full name. In the meantime, I couldn’t deny my son the right to his parentage.
Chapter 25
Bolton
I walked into her room and found her sitting up in bed, the baby at her breast. “Would you like me to come back later?” I asked. She shook her head.
“Of course not.”
I took the chair that sat against the window and dragged it closer to the bed. I could see the downy hair on his head and the indentation at the crown. I knew enough about babies to know that it would eventually harden into skull bone. His tiny mouth was suckling at her nipple, his little hand to its side. It was the most natural thing I’ve ever seen, and a warm feeling came over me. I’d decided on the way over that I wouldn’t ask her about the father. I had hoped otherwise, but had known that she was the type of woman who wouldn’t be alone for the rest of her life. It was my own fault. I couldn’t give her what she needed, and she shouldn’t be punished for that. Apparently, the father didn’t want to be part of her life, or he would have been there for the birth. I decided I would do whatever I could to include her and the baby in my own.
“We’re going home this morning,” she said with a smile. I’d have to rephrase that. It was more of a beam of light that emitted from her face. Her expression was softer, more relaxed, and definitely full of pride. “I’ve named him Jackson, but I’m going to call him Jinx.”
“I kind of like that. So, what kind of set-up do you have at home for him?”
“I have a crib, right next to my bed. I also have Mary.”
“Mary?”
“She moved into the apartment over my studio. She’s become something like a second mother to me and will watch him while I’m working downstairs.”
“Don’t get pissed, Lilly, but that’s no life for a tiny baby. You need more help than that. For once in your life, I want you to listen to me. I’m going to take you back to the farm with me, the both of you. I’ll get you a nanny to take care of him while you get your strength back. After that, we can talk about what you want to do from there.”
She looked up at me, a mixed look of gratitude and suspicion on her features. “I know that I should refuse, Bolt, but that might be the smartest thing to do in the situation. I appreciate your offer very much.”
“Good, then it’s settled.”
About then a nurse walked in, wheelchair with her. “You ready to go?” she asked.
“Lilly, don’t you need a car seat?” It had suddenly occurred to me.
“Oh my god, I never even thought of that.”
“You have to have one,” reaffirmed the nurse. “We can’t let your baby go. It’s the law.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “Just wait for me in the lobby, and I’ll be back in a few minutes with one.” I looked to the nurse, and she nodded.
Jinx and Lilly were bundled up, waiting with the nurse in the lobby when I returned with the car seat, already buckled into place. The nurse came out and inspected it, and the tiny bundle was buckled inside. Lilly sat next to me, though she was balancing on one hip so that she could watch him as we drove. “Would you rather I pull over so you could climb in the back with him?” I asked her.
“No, he’s fine. I’ve got my eye on him. I don’t want him to grow up spoiled, thinking that he can just cry to get my attention.”
“Well, listen to you. You already have your parenting plan worked out, huh?” I teased her.
She slapped my thigh in mock anger but instantly turned back toward the baby.
“So, since you’re breast-feeding, I’m guessing we don’t need to buy food for him yet, is that right?”
“Not yet. It won’t be long before he begins needing more than that, but for now, I just need diapers and clothes. I’ve got some in my suitcase.”
“I already put in a call to my office while I was getting the seat. They’re going to send over some nanny candidates from the agency for you to interview in the morning. I want you to follow your gut reaction and hire whomever you like, you hear?”
“I appreciate your being like this. You had every right to ignore me. I haven’t made things easy on you lately.”
“You can make it up to me later,” I told her. She chose to ignore my comment.
Mrs. Polk was waiting at the door for us. “Give the little one to me, and you go in and lie down.” Lilly looked at me, and I realized she wasn’t sure where to lie down.
“Why don’t you stay in my room for now, I’ll take one of the other bedrooms. Mine is the biggest, and there’s plenty of room for a crib for Jinx.”
She nodded and looked relieved. I knew she had to be worn out. I watched Mrs. Polk as she cradled the baby. “Mrs. Polk, I know Lilly doesn’t have much for him. I wonder if you might be able to pick out a few things? Not too much at the beginning, I don’t want to overwhelm her. I know she wants things her way. But there are things like diapers and, well, you know what he needs.”
She nodded and smiled at the baby who opened his mouth to yawn and promptly went back to sleep. “I’ll take care of it, don’t ye worry.”
“And Mrs. Polk, as for my father…”
“You don’t need to say anything,” she assured me and handed Jinx to me. I must have looked surprised. “Well, someone has to hold him while I go out and get the things we need. Will we be making him a nursery?”
“Yes, we’ll need all that. Just tell me the name of a store, and I’ll make the call.”
“No, you have your hands full. You’re just like all men, wanting to jump in and take charge. Give me your credit card and let me go and have a bit of fun, OK?” she smiled. I nodded, handed over my card, and she opened the closet and pulled out her coat and purse. “See you in a little while. If he wakes up and fusses, take him to Lilly. She’ll know what to do,” she told me. “She’s got everything he needs for now.”
She left me standing there with the baby in my arms. I looked toward the bedroom and decided to take him with me to the family room instead. I held him for a while, rocking him until my back ached. He was sleeping soundly, and all
that sleeping in the house was making me tired as well. I went to the linen closet and pulled out a fresh, crisp sheet, laying it on the carpeted family room floor. I laid him on it, covering him with part and encircled him with cushions from the sofa. I laid down next to him and faded out.
“You call that babysitting?” Lilly’s voice brought me from my sleepy haze. She was smiling.
“I got sleepy, and he seemed fine.”
“Sure, he’s fine. That’s why they build in the bawling, didn’t you know?”
She bent and picked him up, clucking her tongue as she felt his bottom. “He needs a change. Hold him a minute and let me get the diapers I have in my suitcase,” she ordered me, and I got my first taste of a mother in charge. I loved it.
She was back momentarily, diaper and cleansing cloths in hand. Easing herself down onto the floor, she changed him and then opened her blouse and put him on her breast. I slowly gathered the cushions and restored them to the sofa, one eye watching her. God, but she was beautiful!
“Mrs. Polk has gone to get you some things,” I told her.
“Now, Bolt—”
I held up a hand. “I know, I know. Just a few things until you’re up to going out on your own. I hope you know you can stay here forever, Lilly. Both you and little Jinx. Nothing would make me happier.”
“I planned to go back to work.”
“I know, but maybe you could take just a few weeks to get used to him, and to motherhood? That’s what working women do, you know.”
“I’ve got Mary to look after him. I’ll be out of your way as soon as I can.”