by Kira Blakely
I wasn’t foolish or dumb enough to think that animal side of me would ever be gone. I’d been through too much trauma for that, but it was getting better, and I had to hold onto that.
Passing into the inner shrine of the temple, I bowed low to the one monk actively praying. Wishing him good health and luck in my best Japanese, I had to smile when he grinned back at me. It was the least I could do, to acknowledge his culture and his mother tongue when I was the one renting out and using his space, so to speak, at least for today.
Finding my own space on the floor, I knelt in position and took long, deep breaths. Before I’d met Belle, I’d hated closing my eyes. It was too easy to be drawn back there, to be thrown mentally back to Iraq and all of the hell I’d endured. Even after our relationship blossomed, I still had trouble. With the mediation it was easier, and I could almost trust I wouldn’t flashback to the jeep, to the desert where I’d lost part of my life and my soul.
Almost.
Today, I’d have to face it, needed to in order to take the next steps in finally moving on.
After half an hour in contemplative prayer, I pulled out a small handkerchief from my pocket. Unfurling the cloth, I eyed the medal in my hand. It wasn’t as big as you’d think. Didn’t weigh anything really. But it had felt heavy, like a chain around my neck that pulled me under, that drove me to insanity.
Sighing, I set my purple heart down on the floor of the temple and finally spoke out loud, even if it was still only at whisper level.
“Martinez… Jones, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry that I made the call I did that day. I’m sorry that I followed up on that lead. I was trusting my gut and the intel both, but they were wrong. I’d give anything if it had been me that day and not you. I’d give anything if I could take it all back, but we know that’s not how that happened.”
I took in a deep breath and rubbed at the back of my neck, trying to steady myself. The next part would be harder and this hadn’t exactly been a picnic to start with.
“Jimmy, brother, you were the best friend a guy could have wished for. You saved my ass so many times out there in the field, and when it mattered, I let you down. I couldn’t…” I choked up a little and forced my voice to stay level. I wasn’t going to lose it here. I was not. “I couldn’t save you the one time it really mattered. I’m so sorry I didn’t go to your funeral. I could have, but it didn’t seem possible. I didn’t want to drape a flag over an empty coffin because there weren’t enough pieces to bury. I didn’t want to give your family platitudes.”
The one monk in the temple eyed me but more with curiosity than anything else. I hoped I wasn’t being too loud and disturbing him. Then again, part of me was wondering if he spoke English, too, if he could follow my confessions.
Didn’t matter. Had to be said.
“But I’m making it right or trying to where I can. I promise you that your mom and dad are taken care of forever. Your sister is going to be able to go to any college she wants when it’s time. I’m taking care of them because I know you would be if you could, man.”
Standing up, I left the medal lying on the floor as I turned and strode back out to the vendors. I didn’t need it anymore.
***
“Not to go all 1950s on you,” I said, as I let myself into the presidential suite. “But ‘honey, I’m home.’”
I almost dropped the small glass orb I’d bought Belle as a souvenir. Before me was something I hadn’t expected to see, not in a million years. It was Belle, my princess, and she had to be feeling a lot better because she was laid out before me stark naked on a table. Well, she wasn’t exactly naked, but she wasn’t wearing clothes either. Banana leaves were stretched out over her body, as were a few stray lotus blossoms. On top of each unfurling green leaf were pieces of fresh sushi.
“This is different,” I said, even as the blood pounded through my body and straight to my cock.
No matter how long we were together, Belle never failed to either amaze or arouse me. I could get hard just seeing the girl smile. With her literally laid out as a buffet for me, I was hard as fucking granite.
“This is Nyotaimori. It’s the ancient art of, well, I guess you could call it artfully eating sushi.”
“Oh, I’ll be eating something,” I said.
Belle blushed, and I loved that about her, too. She was an eager student and had learned so much about BDSM. She’d grown by far into the best lover I’d ever had. Yet, for all the things she’d done and was willing to do, there was still a modest side to my princess that was downright quaint. She wasn’t naïve, but she still blushed like a fucking school girl, and that was sexy as hell.
“First, at least try some of the sushi. It’s been sitting here for about thirty minutes and it’s getting cold under here!”
Chuckling, I pulled myself a seat up to the table at Ché Belle. Licking my lips, I picked up a piece of salmon sashimi and brought it to my lips. The succulent flesh of the fish went down even better when I could see that it had previously been perched right above her right nipple. Lucky fish indeed.
“Mmm,” I said. Okay, perhaps more like groaned. “That was delicious.”
“That’s what I get for turning myself into tuna tartar?” she asked. “It was just delicious?”
I shrugged and winked at her. “What can I say? I’ve never been a huge sushi person.”
“Drake!” she shouted, the horror clear in her voice. “Come on. I was feeling better, wanted to make everything up to you, and then I came up with this idea. You don’t like it?”
I stood up and leaned over her while using one hand to remove the sushi and the leaves from her breasts. Dropping my head lower, I ran my tongue over one pert nipple, relishing the taste of her, a bit fruity from the leaves and rich with her own sweat.
“I don’t like fish, Belle, but I love the taste of you.” My hands roamed lower, flicking the pieces of fish and lotus flowers from her body. “The only thing I could ever want is you. No gimmicks needed. No special fish, nothing.”
“I’ll keep that in mind next time I freeze my butt off and smell like cat food!”
I chuckled and picked her up in my arms. What pieces of sushi that were still left on her fell off as I carried her down the hall and the ample shower in the suite. It was a double deal, big enough for probably four people, with jets placed everywhere. I turned it on and let the jets hit us both with full force, not even caring about my cotton t-shirt and jeans. She shuddered in my grasp. Fumbling over to the soap dish, I pulled out a bar of rose-scented soap and started lathering her up.
To be honest, I’m seriously not a fan of fish smell.
She moaned under my grip as I lathered up her body. “This is how I love you. This is how I want to worship you. I don’t need to eat anything off you.” I leaned closer to her ear. “The only thing I’d want to eat is you.”
Belle nodded and kissed my lips. “But I was trying to make it better. I was so sorry to flake out.”
“You could never flake out,” I corrected.
“But I’ve been sick and this is a wonderful vacation and…”
I kissed her hard then and assumed my commanding tone, that master’s voice that helped ground Belle as surely as her touch anchored me. “Turn around, princess.”
She arched an eyebrow at me and then nodded, accepting the start of our scene. “Of course, Master.”
I ran my hands lovingly over her body, feeling the sudsy soap slip between them as I massaged and worshiped the curves of her ass. Then I gave one cheek a sharp smack, loving the way it jiggled under my touch. “You couldn’t ever ruin anything, princess, but I do need you to do something for me.”
“Anything,” she said, her voice a breathy alto that made my cock strain hard against my soaked jeans.
Reaching down, I pulled the damn things down to my ankles with a bit of effort. Next time, Casanova, get both of you naked first. Then I stroked my dick. My balls were heavy with need, and my cock was straining straight up. I’d been re
ady for her the second I’d caught sight of her in the kitchen, and I was going to have her now, as I always did.
“Good, princess,” I said, rubbing her ass one more time. “Spread for me, baby.”
She complied, so beautifully disciplined by our time together, so willing and receptive to everything I could think to ask. “Always, Master.”
I rubbed my dick up against her ass and then against the slick slit of her pussy. Then I plunged deeply into her, taking her for myself, taking her up to my fucking hilt. She groaned and burrowed her ass up against me as her tightness practically massaged me, her body all heat and smooth muscle.
Thrusting came naturally, pumping my hips into her for all I was worth. With one hand, I reached up to play with her nipples, fingering one and then the other as they rose into rigid peaks. My other hand found its mark and rubbed up against her clit. When I made contact with it, she moaned so loud I thought all of Kanagawa would hear us. Good, goddamn let them. It’d be worth it if cops barged in. I wasn’t stopping for anything. Fucking Godzilla could stomp down the streets, and I wasn’t going to stop pounding into my princess, showing her what she meant to me.
How she was mine.
We worked into a frenzy together, the heat of the jets turning cool as we fucked like animals, all wild scrabbling and need. I came eventually, flooding into her and she spasmed around me, calling my name and cursing. My Belle was developing quite the mouth. I loved that I brought that out in her. Belle almost collapsed, but I held her to my body even as the afterglow swept over us. I was growing semi-soft inside of her, but I didn’t want to pull out. All I wanted was to stand here, connected like this forever.
The two of us against the world.
***
Later that evening, after I’d fixed her some tempura veggies and chicken, we curled up on the sofa. I was nuzzling her neck, when she put a hand over mine, her blue eyes growing solemn. My heart slowed, and I worried that something was going wrong with George’s appeal, that the lunatic might be out on a technicality. Shit, was it Carol? Surely that crazy bitch couldn’t be up for release from the hospital. I knew Belle and her parents didn’t feel that way about her, that they were still convinced the girl they had to have known over Christmases and birthdays was still there, deep inside.
I was far less charitable.
After all, I’d been the one to stop her from shooting Belle in cold blood. I’d seen that look in her eye, and it hadn’t been madness. Fuck if I didn’t know being crazy when I saw it. No, that gleam in her eye had been deliberate and calculating. That bitch wasn’t getting near Belle. I’d never let her.
I curled my arms tighter around her and braced for the news. “Is it Carol or George? Your mom’s still okay, right?”
She frowned. “Wait, why do you automatically think it’s something bad?”
“Because you’re being very serious out of nowhere. I figured you were delivering bad news.”
Belle’s eyes seemed to shine with tears. “I don’t think it’s bad, not at all, but I guess it has to depend on your perspective. Have you ever thought about our future?”
“I thought we settled that one. We’re going to Haiti and Nottingham and off to South America on a grand world tour. That seems pretty straight forward, at least for the next six months.”
“I meant after,” she said, snuggling up into my arms. “I was wondering if you had plans for after that. You have the PR company to run and I really do want to split time between helping Dad with the charity and also overseeing the center in the Bahamas. My career stuff isn’t even that hard to figure out.”
“Then why are you asking?”
“Because I wanted to know how you felt about kids.”
I raked a hand through my hair and pulled away from her. I didn’t want to, but I needed some space, needed to pace out my frustrations. That was something I hadn’t thought about. I mean, was there a reason to? She was on the pill so it wasn’t even a question for right now. Besides, we were having fun, hadn’t even gotten married yet, since she’d wanted to wait until after she graduated to deal with wedding plans.
“Honestly?”
“Yes,” she said, letting one hand come to rest over her stomach, almost as if she were cradling it. “I do want to talk about that.”
“Belle, I don’t think I’d be a good father. I mean, fuck that, I know I wouldn’t be an adequate one.”
“If this is about the BDSM, well, it’s not like we’re going to show the kids a playroom, and it’s always locked anyway.”
“No, that’s fine. Kink’s not the problem. I mean that I am,” I said, pacing so much that I felt like I was wearing a hole in the carpet. “I haven’t had a phone call with my parents longer than five minutes in over a decade. I can count on one hand the amount of hugs I’ve had from Dad. I just don’t even know what good parenting looks like.”
“You’ve seen my mom and dad with me. Besides, you’re the most nurturing, protective person I know. I think you’d be a natural.”
“It’s not like riding a bicycle,” I said. “You don’t just magically get it out of the blue. I think you’re either programmed to be a dad or you’re not, and I’m definitely not.”
Belle began to cry then. “Please don’t say that.”
I felt like shit seeing her like that, but I didn’t know what else to say. Striding over to the couch, I placed a hand on her shoulder but didn’t sit down next to her or scoop her in my arms. I just couldn’t.
“Belle, I work really hard to fight through the PTSD, but I still have my moments. I can be dangerous.”
“I don’t really believe that. You’re completely different from the man I met and really got to know on the island.”
“I don’t think beasts get to have children,” I joked, even though neither of us laughed.
“I guess I see where you stand,” she said, hopping up and running to our bedroom.
Confused, I rushed after her, pounding on the door when I couldn’t turn the knob. “Belle, princess, we need to talk about this.”
“I don’t want to talk. Go away, just… just go away.”
What the fuck have I done now?
***
Easing myself up to the hotel bar, I ordered two huge servings of sake and started double-fisting them. Somehow, we’d gone from having a dream vacation—okay with a few bumps—to having the biggest fight we’d had in years over a completely hypothetical question. She’d asked me something honest, and I’d tried to be sincere back. I was fucked up, damaged goods with a horrible family life. Yes, I’d love a little girl or a son, but I was scared I’d be no good for the kiddo, that I’d be as shitty as my dad was to me.
Draining my second glass of sake, I waved to the bartender for two more. It was going to be a long night. “Domo arigato,” I said, rubbing at my temples. A headache was moving in already.
A soft hand was on my shoulder and, for a moment, hope flickered through my chest before it died out again. It wasn’t Belle, just Mrs. Johnson. “We need to talk.”
“I need to drink,” I said, guzzling down the third and fourth glasses that the barkeep set down beside me. “Two more and a couple for the lady. If you’re going to stay, you need to have some sake, too, Penelope.”
She nodded and sipped an offered glass. “You just stormed out on Belle.”
“Correction,” I said, my words slurring just a little. It was probably the fifth sake I’d started nursing. “She freaked out for some reason, couldn’t handle the truth about me, and then she locked me out of my bedroom. I knocked on it for a while and she still wouldn’t let me in. What was I supposed to do?”
“I think that getting drunk was hardly the right idea,” she said, shaking her head. “No, you need to take a few moments out from your pity party and put the pieces together.”
I frowned back at her. “I don’t get it.”
“Of course, you don’t, Drake,” she said. “You might be a marketing wizard in L.A., but you can make so many mistakes otherwise.
I swear if you didn’t have me and Leonard to look after you, I don’t know where you’d be.”
That made two of us.
“True, but I don’t get it. She’s been a little sick, sure, but she’s on the pill and…”
“She missed a few while under graduation craziness. When she got sick for the third day in a row and sent you out, Belle called me. We got two different kinds of pregnancy tests. Both were positive. She even had the hotel make a doctor’s appointment for her tomorrow in the city to be sure. She’s pregnant, Drake, and you’re going to be a father.”
I blinked, unable to process the words. I couldn’t be a father. I was the last person on Earth who should have the job. No, wait. Second to last person who should have the job. I was going to nominate my own dad for the top spot.
My hand shook as I set down the sake glass. I needed to be sober to try and wrap my head around it. “She’s what?”
“Pregnant. With child. Expecting,” Penelope supplied, gesturing to the waiter and ordering two club sodas. She waited to talk until they arrived again and shoved one over to me. “I think you need this very badly. Drake, do you understand what I’m telling you? You’re going to be a father.”
“No, I think it’s finally starting to sink in,” I said, gulping down my water greedily. The cool liquid did little to calm the fire bubbling up inside of me. “I’m not good enough for Belle. It’s one thing to be her husband, but you know she deserves more for the father of her children. I honestly thought this would never happen, that she’d be perfectly happy for it to be just us forever.”
“Can I ask why you think you’re not cut out to be a father, and we both know your dad’s a class A jerk,” Penelope added, winking back at me.
“That was a big one.”
“But if you think it’s because of having been in a war… Tons of soldiers come home and start families. You have heard of the ‘baby boom,’ right?”