by Deb McEwan
He’d had time to think about things and wasn’t happy.
‘Look, Vicky.’
‘Yes, Max.’ Vicky looked at Max. She knew he was annoyed but did her best to act as calm and normal as possible.
‘I think you should spend less time with Clive.’ Max hated this conversation and the situation.
‘Why would that be, Max?’ Vicky waited.
‘Well.’ He knew she was loving his discomfort. ‘You just should that’s all. You must know how I feel about you.’
Hallelujah! Vicky was hopeful that Max was starting to show his true feelings, at long last.
‘Actually, Max, I don’t know how you feel about me.’ Vicky crossed her legs.
‘You’re kind to me and we have a good laugh and we’re obviously attracted to one another.’
Max picked up a pencil and started tapping it on the floor and Vicky shook her head.
‘And I was going to say that whenever I start talking about us, you start acting like an embarrassed teenager.’
Max dropped the pencil. He did want a serious relationship with Vicky but couldn’t stand the thought of losing her.
As well as losing all his family on Phoenix, he’d seen Isabella, his childhood sweetheart, die of exhaustion and starvation at the hands of the Bundrils and he didn’t know how he’d cope if something awful happened to Vicky. He was also well aware that if he didn’t do something soon, Vicky and Clive’s relationship might turn serious. Max realised that he couldn’t waste any more time trying to deny his true feelings.
He took a deep breath.
‘I love you, Vicky. I’ll always love you and I want us to be together for ever.’
Max looked at Vicky and hoped his declaration wasn’t too late.
Tears were streaming from her eyes. ‘Oh Max, Max.’ She ran to him and they hugged. They quickly made their way to a dark corner of the room where they consummated their relationship.
It was a while before they were able to stop touching and exploring each other. Once they were sated, Vicky slept and Max stared at her, wondering if his heart would explode with joy.
They both went to see Clive the following day and Vicky tried to let him down gently. Clive was absolutely gutted and would only speak to Max and Vicky when his duties required he do so. Even then he was overly polite and distant answering each query or statement with a Yes Sir or Yes Ma’am. They both hoped that in time Clive would get over Vicky.
*****
Life went on at its usual pace but Max couldn’t stop humming his favourite tunes and Vicky couldn’t help noticing the beauty in everything. Seeing them like this made Clive feel like a knife was being turned in his heart, and he avoided them whenever possible.
The family were out and Max and Vicky were away filming. Clive entered the house without being seen by the other spiders, and dragging with him the Malteser that he’d found and squirreled away the previous week. Sitting on the settee he aimed a bolt of electricity at the television. A blue light came on the screen, followed by people talking. Clive jumped on the different buttons on the remote until he found something that he could watch. There were three people on the stage. A male and female holding hands were arguing with another male. A studio audience were watching the proceedings, some shouting comments at the people on stage. A man with a microphone asked contentious questions and appeared to be trying to embarrass the male and female holding hands. The other male was aggressive one minute and had his head in his hands and was crying the next. A caption on the screen read:
He stole my girl and I want to kill him!
So humans have the same problems thought Clive as he settled down to watch, feeling angry and sorry for the lone male.
Halfway through the Malteser Clive was full to burst, but he forced himself to carry on eating. When he’d finished the whole sweet, he climbed slowly down the settee and went to the bin. Clive collected as much edible rubbish as he could and returned to the settee to watch some more TV. When he heard the key in the door, he quickly turned the TV off and scuttled upstairs with his stash and dragged it to the coldest, darkest place under the bed. He spent the whole night in his own world, listening to sad songs.
The following morning Caroline stretched and got out of bed. She started singing to herself. ‘Never ever have I ever felt so low. When you gonna take me out of this black hole? Never ever have I ever felt so sad. The way I’m feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad. I’m not crazy, lah lah lah …’
She stopped and looked at her husband. ‘I woke up with that song in my head and it’s driving me nuts. I haven’t heard it for ages either.’
‘You’re kidding me right?’
‘Why would I be kidding, Phil? You know I don’t do humour this early in the day.’
‘I’ve got exactly the same song in my head. Pretty spooky don’t you think?’
Caroline picked up a pillow and made her way to the en suite. She threw the pillow at her husband. ‘Not funny, Phil, stop taking the mickey.’
‘But I’m…’ The door to the bathroom closed before he’d finished.
Clive lost track of time and stayed under the bed eating, sleeping, or listening to sad songs.
The need to use the bathroom woke Phil the following morning. Caroline was staring at the ceiling so he kissed her cheek got up and started singing.
‘What becomes of the broken hearted, who have love that’s now departed. I know I’ve got to find some kind of peace of mind…’
‘No way.’ Said Caroline.
Phil flushed the chain and returned to bed.
‘I’ve got that song in my head too, Phil. Isn’t that a bit spooky?’
‘And you wouldn’t believe me yesterday morning.’ Phil looked smug.
‘I thought you were winding me up, I’m sorry.’ Caroline hugged her husband.
‘Do you think we’re on the same wavelength even when we’re asleep, and we’re starting to have the same thoughts?’
Phil thought that utter boloney but if it kept Caroline happy that was fine.
‘Whatever you say, my love. Bacon butty and a cup of coffee?’
‘Mmmm, please.’ Caroline stretched like a contented cat, wondering what she’d done to deserve such a lovely man.
Clive came out from under the bed that afternoon and returned to the Ops Room in time to take over his shift. He’d been ready to leave earlier but had been wondering why Caroline and Phil had woken up singing the songs that he’d been listening to all night.
*****
Max. ‘Jack is now 6 months old and his parents decide to try him with different food, called pureed vegetables. Humans eat pureed vegetables when they are very young, or very old, but tend not to during the years in between.’
Jack was sitting with a bib on in his high chair in the kitchen, gurgling away to himself quite happily and smiling at his father. Phil looked at the horrible looking mush in the dish with which he was about to try and tempt his son. He didn’t have much enthusiasm for the task.
‘MMmmmmmmm, Jack, pureed pumpkin and broccoli, yummy yummy, delicious!’
Jack giggled while his father made aeroplane actions with the spoon
‘Little, Jack open wide, for the plane to go inside.’
Jack had his first taste of pureed vegetables. He screwed up his face, spat out the mush and started howling.
Max. ‘The first attempts to feed babies food other than milk are not always successful, and it may take a while to discover what the infant child likes and dislikes. Humans have many foods to choose from and it can be very confusing for them.
Next time we’ll show you how human infants interact with others and begin their life-long learning programme.’
‘That’s a wrap!’ Said Max and they made their way back to the Cutting Room. By the time they arrived, the others had just finished watching the closing credits of the first show and were chatting excitedly; it was fantastic!
The inter-stellar phone rang next door in the Ops Room and silenced the s
piders. They all looked at Max. This was only the second time since they’d been on Earth that the phone had rung; the first time a lackey from the Justice Ministry had informed Max that spiders who mated with Earth spiders were to be punished by death. Communication between Earth and Largo was usually carried out by radio waves.
Max braced himself and pressed the speaker button. ‘Good evening, Commander Max speaking...’
‘Max it’s Pamela Birdflu.’ She interrupted. ‘Congratulations, the show was fantastic.’
The spiders broke into spontaneous applause and cheers.
‘Thank you Ma’am.’ Max relaxed a little. ‘Glad you enjoyed it.’
‘Please Max, call me Pamela. Our viewers congratulatory thoughts have jammed the station, they want more already. Well done to you and your team.’
Max waved a leg to the other spiders, acknowledging their effort. ‘Thank you Ma… Pamela.’
‘You’re welcome Max.’ The transmission ended abruptly and Max allowed himself a moment of glory. The others looked at him expectantly.
‘Come on you lot, we’ve got another show to get out.’
Chapter 9
Bobby, the alien father walked from the kitchen into the living room, carrying a tray of wriggling snacks. He handed a squirming worm to Nectarine, the youngest. The rest of the family helped themselves while getting comfortable, ready to watch Human Species.
Keesha wondered how she could ever have eaten those brave spiders and didn’t complain about the lack of them this week.
Announcer. ‘Evening viewers. You’ll remember we met baby Jack and his family last week and left him at 6 months old. Well, have I got some fun viewing for you all tonight, so sit back and enjoy the show!’
*****
Max was in the bath in the Gibson house. Extremely tired, he was beginning to wonder if this was the normal state of affairs for him. He looked at the wall opposite the bath and noticed a leg sticking out from behind the bathroom mirror. Everything was OK with Vicky then.
Earlier that morning, Caroline had screamed at him, grabbed the shower attachment and cruelly washed him down the plug-hole. It was a complete mystery to Max why most female humans hated him and his kind so much. With the exception of a few nasty ones, Earth spiders seemed a friendly bunch and the human reaction to them - mostly by females - was totally unjustified.
It had taken Max ages but he’d managed to climb out of the plug-hole. Experience had taught him to leave a strong web-string down the plug-hole and this had been invaluable and saved so much time, heartache and energy. The problem now was that the sides of the bath were a bit damp and for every 2 inches he climbed up, he slipped down one. There was nothing Vicky could do to help so she was doing the right thing, resting out of sight and waiting for something to happen. That was the trouble with their job. Long hours of inactivity interspersed with minutes of fast action.
He was about half-way up the bath when he heard the door open – here comes the action. Showing a quick presence of mind, Max switched the camera on and started filming Phil as he stripped for his shower.
Phil stood in the bath and turned the shower on. He was looking forward to his night out with Caroline and was sure their 16 year old neighbour, the unusual-looking Myra, would be a brilliant babysitter for Jack. He went to grab the soap and saw the spider on the side of the bath. Usually Phil would have got a bit of card and transferred the spider outdoors – sometimes with the help of the beastie glass and sometimes not, depending on the size of the creature. He noticed it was one of the unusual silver spiders but he was wet and didn’t have the time or patience to mess about tonight.
‘Sorry pal.’ He said to Max.
Max could see exactly what was coming.
‘Oh no, not again, what a rotten day arrrrgggghhh.’
And off he went, back down the plug-hole. This time he managed to grab the web-string about half-way down and had to hold on while the onslaught of soapy water and yucky hairs swooshed past him. Well most of them anyway. There weren’t many worse experiences for Max than having sticky, soapy human hair entangled in his legs. Securing himself tightly to the web-string and convulsing as if he was fitting, he untangled the messy hairs from three of his legs. As if this wasn’t tiring enough, Max then began the long and exhausting climb back up the web-string. What kept him going was remembering that it could be worse, he could have been eaten by a curious Terry on Largo, had he not been forced into this career path.
Vicky continued to film activity in the bathroom and followed Phil to the bedroom when he’d finished showering.
Max eventually dried himself and dragged himself into the bedroom, absolutely shattered. Vicky was still filming but planned to give Max some TLC when they finished for the day. Every movement was a supreme effort for Max and Vicky didn’t expect they’d be practising to make spiderlings tonight! Max summed-up enough energy to add a voiceover to the film.
‘Humans sometimes go out when they get bored of watching their version of Terryvision. They call it Television. They pay someone, usually someone they know quite well, to look after their child as human offspring can’t cope with being left alone until they’re at least 14. Sometimes they go out to eat food and sometimes they go out to drink alcohol - a mind altering liquid that makes some humans seem better looking than they actually are and therefore easier to mate with - and sometimes they like to move their arms and legs in a way that they call dancing.’
Phil was getting ready and singing along to the radio I’m in the Mood for Dancing while dancing around the room like a defective robot. It amazed Caroline how her husband always seemed to dance to a totally different song than the one actually playing on the radio.
‘Do you think Myra will be OK looking after Jack?’ Asked Caroline as she put the finishing touches to her make-up.
‘Of course.’ said Phil
Caroline frowned. ‘She’s a bit, er, unusual isn’t she?’
‘Don’t be judgemental. Different doesn’t necessarily mean bad. Dance, dance, dance, oh yeah, I’m in the mood...’
Myra was in the living room texting her boyfriend a photograph of herself dressed in her tartan mini skirt, doc martens, tank top and stockings with holes in. She told him that the coast would be clear in 15 minutes.
*****
A mobile team were already waiting in Santorini’s to film Phil and Caroline.
On arrival Phil and Caroline were greeted by Costas. They used to be regulars before Jack was born and Costas greeted them both with a handshake and a kiss on both cheeks.
‘How are you both and how is that beautiful son of yours?’
Costas was genuinely interested and wasn’t just after a good tip at the end of the evening. Following the exchange of pleasantries, Phil and Caroline were shown to their table in a secluded area of the restaurant but they could still see most of the restaurant from where they sat. The waitress lit the candle on their table and Caroline looked around at the Greek statuettes, paintings of seascapes, islands and gleaming white houses. Taking it all in she smiled.
‘I didn’t realise how much I’ve missed this place. You get into a routine don’t you and forget what life was like before Jack.’
‘I guess, but it’s a small sacrifice.’
‘It’s no sacrifice at all, Phil. It just means we don’t take these nights for granted like we used to.’
They settled down to enjoy themselves but Caroline found it difficult to relax and kept checking her watch. Phil was torn between understanding how difficult it was to leave your child for the first time ever with people he didn’t know, and anxious for his wife to relax and enjoy herself.
Max and Vicky were still on shift at the house.
Jack was sound asleep in his cot.
Myra and her boyfriend were sitting on the settee, legs wrapped around each other. It appeared that Myra’s boyfriend was using his tongue to find out whether Myra had had her tonsils removed. He hadn’t had enough practice at snogging and Myra took a break to dry her fa
ce.
The music system was blaring out heavy rock but Myra and her boyfriend were deaf to the music and it didn’t seem to disturb Jack who remained soundly asleep.
Back at Santorini’s the meal was finished and Phil had downed his seventh beer. Caroline was frowning and chewing her nails. She looked at her watch for the umpteenth time.
‘I hope Jack’s OK.’
‘Stop stressing and enjoy yourself, you know Myra’s reliable.’ Phil attempted to reach out and squeeze Caroline’s leg but missed the first time. On the second he gave it a good squeeze and Caroline felt a thrill of excitement.
‘It’s been a while since we’ve been cozy, darling.’ Phil was having a little trouble focussing. ‘How about trying for a little brother or sister for Jack eh, fancy it?’
Caroline perked up. ‘Sure you’re up to it?’
‘I can still show you a thing or two, Mrs Gibson!’
OK, pay and I’ll order a taxi, let’s go.’ Caroline made the international sign for the bill and Costas brought it shortly after.
Costas saw them into the taxi and Phil gave the driver their address.
‘Bit milder tonight folks.’ Taxi drivers all over the world like to chat to their customers.
No reply.
‘Mind you, it’s supposed to be getting colder again tomorrow.’ He tried again.
Nothing.
‘You’re not really bothered about the weather are you?’
Phil and Caroline were behaving like the teenage Myra and her boyfriend. Somewhere in their deep subconscious, they were aware that the driver was talking about the weather but were treating him like background music. It had been a while since they’d felt this intoxicated and carefree.
Myra’s boyfriend was in the bathroom when Phil and Caroline returned home. Myra explained that he’d come over to keep her company and they left after Phil paid her. Caroline checked on Jack who was still sound asleep.
Caroline changed into sexy lingerie and was posing provocatively on the marital bed waiting for Phil to come out of the bathroom. She adjusted her position to cover her imagined fat bits. 5, 10 then 15 minutes passed. Exasperated, Caroline opened the bathroom door. Phil was fast asleep hugging the toilet bowl, sick dribbling down his chin. He’d thrown up half into the toilet and the rest on the floor.