by Deb McEwan
There were various whoops and comments of go girl and a few of the women asked where she went for her treatment and if it was expensive.
‘I’m really sorry, Mam. It was just a bit of a shock.’
‘Don’t worry. I thought I’d try it and see how it turned out but it was a young lass and I think she overdid it.’
Jean sighed. ‘The other week me and Bunny had a row. It was just after I’d been botoxed. I was really annoyed with him but my face wouldn’t move so I had to tell him how mad he’d made me. We ended up laughing our heads off. Well I was laughing on the inside anyway.’
‘Don’t you know botox is poisonous?’
‘Here we go.’ Jean raised her eyes skyward. ‘The fun police are out to get me again.’
‘I am not the fun police! I’ve got your best interests at heart and am trying to protect your health.’
‘You’re getting loud again and I’m not one of your bloody pupils, Caroline. I thought we’d come to terms with the fact that we’re different and we both said we’d get along a lot better if we accept each other’s differences?’
‘Sorry, but it’s hard at times.’
Jean shook her head. ‘It’s only hard because you’re a flaming control freak. Stop trying to control me. You’re not like me or your father really, I wonder if some of our ancestors were abducted by aliens and that’s why you’re so different to the rest of us!’
Caroline laughed and went to the counter. She ordered a black coffee, slice of strawberry cheesecake and a huge piece of double-chocolate to die for gateaux for her mother. She put her tray down on the table.
‘Truce?’
‘Sounds good though I have something to tell you first.’
‘Oh no, you’re not pregnant are you?’
The other patrons were intrigued and trying to be discreet in their curiosity.
‘No. I most certainly am not.’ Jean said loudly enough for others to hear and they went back about their business. ‘It’ll probably be more of a shock though.’
Caroline folded her arms on the table and rested her head. After a few seconds she raised her head. ‘Spill the beans then. Let’s hear it.’
‘Bunny’s parents are the Earl and Countess of Mursholme.’
‘The Earl who married me and Phil? You’re kidding right?’
‘No.’ Jean said. ‘I’m deadly serious.’
‘Wow, Mam. I knew Bunny was posh, but aristocracy. Wow.’ Caroline shook her head.
‘Does that mean that Bunny will inherit his father’s title?’
‘No. Bunny’s older brother, The Viscount Rupert, will inherit his father’s title.’
‘Viscount, like the biscuit?’
‘And you’re a teacher Caroline.’ It was Jean’s turn to shake her head. ‘Sometimes I worry about you.’
Caroline ignored this remark. ‘Doesn’t Bunny have any title then?’ Caroline seemed disappointed.
‘The courtesy title of The Honourable and get this.’ Jean laughed. ‘When we’re married I can be addressed as The Hon Mrs Bunny Mursholme.’
‘Wow.’ Caroline was suitably impressed.
‘Any other secrets to spill before we look at the outfits?’
‘Well actually…’
Caroline didn’t give her a chance to finish.
‘Tee hee, mother. Shall we see what you like?’ They flicked through the pages of the magazine Jean showing Caroline the styles that interested her.
Max. ‘Ageing is a normal part of the human process. However, lots of humans, especially females, try to fight it. They can sometimes look younger by using products, some poisonous, to fill out the lines and wrinkles on their faces in the same way they use fillers to smooth out cracks in walls and other uneven surfaces. A more extreme solution is cosmetic surgery. This can involve a human being drugged into a deep sleep and a clever surgeon cutting their skin, lifting it and hiding the evidence under the hairline or behind the ears.’
The viewers on Largo were stunned. They didn’t have the same make up as humans and consequently, once they’d reach full maturity, the years didn’t show on their faces. The only sign of age was their colouring which faded as each season passed.
Caroline’s feet were killing her, but despite her earlier reservations, she was actually enjoying spending time with her mother. She’d lost count of the number of shops they’d been in and when Jean had thought one or two dresses were a possibility, Caroline had made her suppress her inner Chav. They were still looking for something classy and appropriate.
Just when Caroline thought they’d exhausted every option, her mother came out of the changing room in a cream suit. It showed off her figure perfectly without revealing too much.
‘What do you think?’ Jean asked the question even though she could see from Caroline’s face that this was the one.
‘Oh, Mam.’ Caroline felt quite emotional. ‘You look stunning.’ She composed herself. ‘And you can either go for pastel shade accessories or black.’
‘Mmmm, possibly. I was thinking that scarlet might look better.’ Caroline didn’t bite. ‘Whatever you think’s best.’
‘What have you done with my real daughter?’ They both smiled and Jean went back into the fitting rooms to change. They spent the next few hours buying shoes and a matching bag, a fascinator – Jean refused to wear a full hat – and a matching necklace and earrings. They said their goodbyes and Jean arrived home satisfied and happy.
Caroline was also pleased with the way the day had gone. This was the best she’d got on with her mother since she was a young child who did what she was told because she knew no better. She was amazed at her mother’s transformation since Bunny had come into her life. She was still her mother, but all the good parts of her had come to the fore and the weird, stroppy, trashy bits were still there, but were making fewer and fewer appearances.
*****
Vicky loved weddings and was looking forward to covering Jean and Bunny’s special day during the autumn half-term break. Caroline and the children were off school and everybody, well most of the family anyway, were looking forward to the forthcoming nuptials.
Caroline got up and made her way downstairs. She opened the curtains to a sunny autumn day and the trees were full of bright leaves which sparkled in the sunlight. She was pleased for her mother and Bunny that it wasn’t tipping down with rain or even threatening to. Elvis wagged his tail and greeted her as if he hadn’t seen her for years. Caroline made herself a coffee. She loved her family but relished the calm before the storm. They’d soon be up and about and the house would be bedlam.
‘I’ll have a coffee then take you for a nice walk boy.’ Sounded good to Elvis. ‘Because for the rest of the day we’re going to leave you at home.’
That bit didn’t sound good.
Max. ‘Elvis hadn’t been invited to the wedding which was common practice. In most societies on Earth humans are the only ones that marry, although some other species do mate for life as you’ll remember from earlier in the series. However, there are usually exceptions to every rule and we’ve discovered that dog weddings do take place in some regions. Let me show you.’
The wedding venue was the Pet’s Paradise hotel in Las Vegas. A spacious gazebo housed a number of chairs for the human guests and baskets for the four-legged variety. The bride, Cybil, was a Chihuahua, the smallest dog species on earth. Her owner had dressed her in a bright pink tutu affair with little silk booties, also in pink but with crystal stones around the top edges. To finish off her outfit, Cybil had a light pink veil on her head. Nigel her groom was also a Chihuahua. He was dressed in a doggie tuxedo complete with bow tie and a swanky black bowler hat. Their owners Kevin and Delilah were already married and didn’t think that marital bliss should be for the exclusivity of human beings. Their outfits matched those of their dogs except that Delilah wore a pink boater and white stockings with her tutu.
Max. ‘Most humans can’t actually communicate with dogs so don’t realise how embarrassed and unhappy
their pets are about wearing stupid clothes and being forced to undergo human ceremonies which are meaningless to them.’
Cybil didn’t fancy Nigel, it was as simple as that. He was a pleasant enough dog and everything seemed to be in the right place but there wasn’t any spark on her side. She doubted there was any spark for Nigel as well as she was pretty much certain that he batted for the other side. For his part, Nigel wasn’t happy with the situation. He did not intend to mate with Cybil; nice as she was, the thought was abhorrent to him. There’d be no cute puppies from this hook up if he had anything to do with it. The dogs sat in front of the official and listened to her telling the guests how much Cybil and Nigel meant to each other, what a load of old rubbish. They had to strain to hear as a lot of the other guests were barking and paying hardly any attention to the proceedings. Cybil risked a look around; that vulgar cross Rascal was openly licking his parts; the animal obviously had no sense of occasion whatsoever. The official looked at both of them expectantly. Here we go thought Cybil. When prompted she barked a ‘I’m not happy with this but I’ve got no choice.’ And in response Nigel barked ‘I’m Gay and this has got to be against my rights.’
The ceremony over the guests barked and clapped and the photographer did his bit for posterity. Fair play to Kevin and Delilah thought Nigel, they’d put on a lovely spread for both the humans and the animals and he grabbed a bone as big as he could carry and found an empty table to lie underneath. The trouble with being a little dog is that bigger ones thought they could pick on you. As much as he barked and growled at Rascal, the bigger dog stole his bone and poor Nigel couldn’t do a thing about it. This happened three times by which stage Nigel had had enough and went to find his owner. Kevin scooped him up into his arms. ‘Right. Come on little fella, let’s get your favourite. Gotta keep your strength up for tonight.’
Kevin laughed at his little joke, patted Nigel, and headed towards the hot buffet. ‘Mmm, yummy chicken in white sauce for my special boy.’ He put a bowl of the cooked chicken on the floor for Nigel. ‘
Tuck in there’s a good boy.’ Nigel didn’t like poxy chicken but was hungry so ate it anyway. He hoped to forget this nightmare day as soon as he could.
*****
The human wedding was meant to be a quiet affair. Jean didn’t want a massive do because it was the second time around and Bunny wanted Jean to be happy so went along with her wishes. Bunny’s parents were attending; they were glad he’d found true love and given up his ghastly career. For this reason they weren’t particularly bothered about the age difference. The Earl and Countess would be accompanied by Bunny’s older sister Prudence her husband and hormonal teenage daughter Portia, and Aubrey and Horace, Bunny’s old boarding school chums. Bunny’s older brother Rupert was away on a peacekeeping mission with his regiment, the 5th of Horse, so was unable to attend. Caroline’s family and a few of Jean’s friends from line dancing would also be in attendance. Jean had invited Donna and Trevor. If she was totally honest with herself, she’d admit she’d only invited Donna and Trevor as a reminder to Donna of how gorgeous Bunny was and how lucky she was to have someone that perfect, who completely adored her.
Jean and Martin’s wedding had been of the shot gun variety, so it was a rushed affair in the local Registry Office. Jean wanted something a bit more special this time and Bunny had enthusiastically agreed.
Max. ‘In the olden days, when females who were not married became pregnant, their fathers sometimes forced the father of the baby to marry his daughter. Folklore suggests that they used weapons known as shot guns to convince the reluctant young man that they really wanted to marry the pregnant female, hence the term shot gun wedding. In Graylesford emotional blackmail had replaced weapons and both Martin and Jean’s families had convinced Martin that he could learn to love Jean. Our research shows that back in those days, females who gave birth out of wedlock were ostracised by polite society and their lives were made very difficult. Martin and Jean were both very young when they married. They were also what humans call incompatible; this meant that they were different star signs which caused them to argue a lot and not enjoy their time together. However, they’d vowed to remain married until Caroline had flown the nest and both of them mated with other people all throughout their marriage of more than twenty years. When Caroline and Phil married and set up their own home, her parents didn’t see the point in staying together any longer and so divorced.
Back to Jean and Bunny’s wedding.’
The ceremony would take place in the decorated conference room of The Bear Hotel at 4pm. The reception and party afterwards was to take place in the hotel function room. The bride and groom were going on a Mediterranean cruise for their honeymoon the following day, after spending their first night as a married couple in The Bear’s Honeymoon Suite. Bunny’s parents had offered them Mursholme Hall as a venue. Both Jean and Bunny knew that his parents would automatically go into work mode and they wanted them to enjoy the wedding so had declined their gracious offer.
All the guests had stayed in the The Bear the night before the wedding. Trevor and Donna were the last of the guests to arrive in the wedding room and Donna gave a little bob to the Earl and Countess of Mursholme to the amusement of all the other guests.
‘Very kind of you, my dear, but absolutely unnecessary.’
The Earl was his usual charming self and the Countess was biting her bottom lip and trying her very best not to laugh. Donna thought she was the only one who knew how to behave when acquainted with the Aristocracy. They deserved respect even if their previously errant son had been a porn star. She gave a condescending look to the others and reminded herself of how common they all were.
The 4 piece band were playing background music and the guests were talking amongst themselves until they heard the music change to Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do.
Predictably, Donna was affronted.
‘Good grief, she really hasn’t got any taste at all has she?’
Trevor chose to ignore her and the other guests were surprised but highly amused at the choice of music. Bunny loved the fact that his gel was unique and eccentric. Jean sashayed up the aisle looking lovely in her cream suit, and came to a stop next to her groom. He winked at her and she smiled. Bunny thought Jean looked extra gorgeous today; she seemed to be glowing from the inside.
The spiders were in position to cover the whole event. Vicky was filming and Max as usual was narrating. Vicky composed herself and tried not to get over-emotional; weddings always made her cry. She hoped Jean would be as happy with Bunny as she was with Max.
The music stopped and the Registrar welcomed the bride and groom and their guests to the hotel. He told them that the hotel had been duly sanctioned, according to law, for the celebration of marriage. He smiled and took a breath. ‘If anyone here knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, they should declare it now.’
The Registrar turned the page of the ceremony book, about to remind the couple of the solemn and binding vows they were about to take.
Donna coughed and the Registrar carried on. ‘Before you are joined in matrimony, I have to remind you both of the…’
Donna interrupted. ‘Err, I have a reason.’
Trevor rolled his eyes and leaned over to his wife.
‘Don’t do this, love. You’ll only regret it.’ She ignored him. All eyes were on Donna. The Registrar tried to be patient, this wasn’t the first time this had happened on his watch.
‘Well, madam?’
Donna took a deep breath and blurted out.
‘Bunny is Peter Penis. He’s a Porn Star!’
Most of the guests laughed embarrassingly and looked at Donna as if she were mad. Caroline wasn’t one of them and she was not amused.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Donna, you’re just jealous. Err, no offence Trevor.’
‘None taken Caroline.’ Everyone seemed to think that he would take offence being compared to Bunny but they were worlds apart so Trevor wasn’t particularly bothe
red anymore.
‘What’s a Porn Star, Mam?’ Jemima asked Caroline.
‘It’s someone who acts in films, sweetheart.’
‘What’s a penis, Mam?’
‘It’s what boys use to pee out of.’
‘I knew it would come out and bring shame on the family.’
Prudence had reddened and her face was slowly turning beetroot.
‘Come on, we’re going.’ She grabbed her daughter’s hand and went to start walking, her husband quite happy to leave at this juncture. She was stopped dead as Portia had other ideas.
‘But, Mummy I want to stay and see what all the fuss is about.’
‘Portia, this is no place for us. Your Uncle Bunny’s frightful past has caught up with him, now come along, we’re going.’
Phil had been quiet up until now, which had given him plenty of time to think.
‘If this is true, how do you know about it, Mam?’
Phil’s look told Donna that he knew exactly what the answer was, but there was no way she was going into details. Donna reddened and looked down.
‘I heard some people talking and…’
‘You watch porn films, Mam. You as well, Dad?’
Phil was incredulous. His mother who was offended if offered tea in a mug instead of a china cup and saucer. Worried what people might think. Who complained that Caroline wasn’t good enough for him and that he’d married below his station. His mother watched porn movies, and so did his father!
It was true then thought Caroline.
‘Right. Aubrey, would you mind looking after the children please?’
Aubrey nodded.
‘Take them for a treat in the tea room.’
‘Righty O, let’s go and get some yummy cakes.’
Jemima rushed to Aubrey but Jack and Portia weren’t so keen.
‘I’m in secondary school now, I shouldn’t be told to leave just coz you’re going to argue.’ Jack said.
‘Likewise.’ Said Portia, folding her arms.
‘Jack, go with Aubrey. And, Portia, do what your mother tells you for once.’