by Peter David
“Lieutenant . . . Robin,” Shelby said, placing a friendly hand on Lefler’s, “I know you’re just trying to help. And maybe there’s something to be said for what you’re suggesting. But the simple truth is this: We’ve been reliving it, all of us, for the past few weeks. Board of inquiries up one side and down the other, poring over every detail again and again. Every minute of the ship’s last five minutes of life, everything that all of us did, and endlessly being asked—and asking ourselves—whether there was anything else we could have done, any other way we could have handled it. I don’t know about you, but I am . . .” She drummed her fingers on the table. “I am tired. I am so tired of second-guessing myself. That’s what these inquiries do to you. They don’t just try to answer the questions that the board has. They start raising all sorts of questions in your own head, to the point where you don’t know which end is up, what’s right and what’s wrong.”
“You did nothing wrong.”
It was a new arrival who had spoken. They looked up and saw that Ambassador Si Cwan had come up behind them. His advent was quite the contrary of Kebron’s. Whereas Kebron had telegraphed his coming with every step, the erstwhile crew of the Excalibur hadn’t noticed the Thallonian until he was right up behind them. Whether it was because they were so engrossed in discussion, or because Si Cwan just had a preternatural knack for entering a room unseen, Shelby couldn’t be sure. Standing next to him was his younger sister, Kalinda. The change that she had undergone had been quite something to see as far as Shelby was concerned. She had first come aboard the Excalibur confused, out of place, unsure of something as fundamental as her own identity. Now, however, she had a regal and confident bearing that was nearly on par with that of her brother. However, there was still a slight twinkle of mischievousness in her eye that Shelby found amusingly appealing.
“Thank you for the vote of confidence, Ambassador,” she said. “Please, take a seat.”
He glanced at the one next to Shelby but said nothing, as if he intuited its purpose. Instead he and Kalinda took up chairs at the far end of the table.
“What I was saying,” continued Shelby, “is that we’ve all gone over those last, depressing minutes so many times . . . that, frankly, I’m sick to death of post mortems. I suspect we all are.” There were concurring nods from around the table from everyone except Kebron, who didn’t really have a neck that permitted nodding, so he tilted his upper torso slightly.
“Therefore, I suggest we make an agreement. For our mutual sanity, none of us ever discusses the destruction of the Excalibur again. We all know what happened. There’s no need to belabor it ad infinitum, ad nauseam. So let’s just not talk about it. No recriminations, no second-guessing, no finger pointing . . . because that’s what any talks about it would invariably devolve into. And I know this group. We won’t all be blaming each other.”
“No. We’ll be blaming ourselves,” said Lefler. Again there were nods.
“So we’re agreed?”
There were choruses of affirmation from around the table, and Shelby let out a relieved sigh. “Good. Good, I’m glad. And I think that’s a decision that Mac would approve . . . of . . .”
“Would have approved of,” Selar corrected.
Everyone looked at her, and she looked at the scowls focused upon her. “It is simply proper grammar,” she said coolly. “It is proper, after all, to speak of someone in the past tense when they are . . .”
“Selar,” Burgoyne stopped her softly. “Not now.”
At that moment, someone from an adjoining table came over and rested a hand on the empty chair next to Shelby. “Excuse me, we could use another chair . . . is someone using this—”
“No,” said Shelby.
“Oh, good,” and he started to pull away the chair.
And it was Kebron who rumbled, “Move that chair, lose the arm.”
The officer froze where he was and looked around at the stony faces at the table. He released the chair and said with obvious annoyance, “Boy, you people are touchy.” He went in search of another chair as Shelby gently slid the chair back into place.
“You didn’t have to do that, Zak,” said Shelby.
“I know.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“I know.”
They stared at the empty chair for a time longer, and then Shelby raised her glass. “To Mackenzie Calhoun . . . the best damned captain in the fleet.”
“Short. To the point. Indisputable. I approve,” said Si Cwan, lifting his glass, and the others joined as well. They clinked glasses and drank in silence.
“So . . . what now?”
It had been Lefler who had asked, but it was really on the minds of all the people at the table. Finally it was Shelby who spoke as she said, “Well, Lieutenant . . . Lieutenant, I say again, just in case you can’t get enough of hearing that,” she added with a faint smile, “you know the regs on that as well as anyone.”
“I know that part,” Lefler said.
“I don’t,” said Kalinda, looking around in confusion. “Would somebody mind explaining it to me?”
“When a ship has been lost—although exceptions are sometimes made in times of war—there’s a prescribed ‘cooldown’ period for the senior staff,” explained Soleta. “The thinking is that the loss of a vessel is a traumatic event, and officers need time to cope and come to terms.”
“What nonsense,” said Si Cwan with a snort. “If one has experienced a setback, the best thing to do is throw yourself right back into the same situation. That way you can—”
“Die faster?” asked Kebron.
Si Cwan ignored him. “If one has time to dwell on the circumstances that have brought one to an unfortunate pass, such thoughts can hamper one’s effectiveness. The more time you have to think about it, the more you’re liable to second-guess yourself.”
“There’s something to be said for that,” admitted Shelby.
“Which is why,” Selar spoke up, “you have requested immediate reassignment and a waiver of the waiting period.”
Shelby looked up at her in obvious surprise. “How did you know that?”
“I did not know it,” Selar replied. “Until you confirmed it just now, that is.”
“Vulcans,” growled Shelby.
The others looked at her with interest. “You asked for a waiver? Really, Commander?” asked Lefler.
“Well, there’s special circumstances . . .”
“A ship,” McHenry said immediately. “You’re angling for command. That’s it, isn’t it.”
“Well . . .”
“Come on,” Lefler prompted. “You’re among friends, Commander.”
The word, for some reason, thudded in Shelby’s head. Friends. Was that what she was among, truly? She wanted to open up to them, tell them what was on her mind. And yet . . .
And yet . . .
“The truth is,” she said, pushing her doubts aside, “I’ve gotten word through the grapevine that Captain Hodgkiss of the Exeter is being bumped upstairs in Starfleet, and his command is coming open. I’m putting my bid in now, and as near as I can tell, I’m the front-runner.”
“That’s great!” Lefler said. “You really think you have a good shot?”
Shelby nodded.
“If you’d like,” offered McHenry, “I can put in a good word for you.”
“As can I,” Si Cwan added.
Kebron made a rude noise. “Recommendations from you two? She’ll be busted in rank within the week.”
“You know,” Si Cwan said, “I like you better when you’re saying almost nothing.”
McHenry leaned forward and said, “What about us?”
Shelby felt a stirring of dread in the pit of her stomach. “You?”
“Are you bringing us along? As your new command crew? Keep us together?”
It was the question that Shelby had been dreading, and she had absolutely no answer at the ready because she still hadn’t managed to sort out her feelings on the matter. When s
he spoke, her mouth was open and talking and she had no idea what words were going to come out until she heard them. “As much as I can see Si Cwan’s point regarding getting right back into the saddle . . . there’s something to be said for the cooldown period. Particularly considering the circumstances that we were in. Exploring a territory with virtually no Federation backup, a single ship trying to lend aid to, and pull together, an entire sector of space? It was one hell of an assignment and, frankly, I’m amazed that we . . .” She paused, looked at the empty chair, and then amended quietly, “. . . that as many of us . . . survived it as we did . . . and for as long. Since Starfleet is extending you the time off, I’d suggest you take it. Don’t be like me; I’m angling for the assignment against Starfleet counselors’ orders. Besides, I . . .”
“Besides . . . you what?” said Burgoyne. S/he had one elegantly tapered eyebrow raised. “There’s something else you want to say, isn’t there.”
“Maybe she hates us,” suggested McHenry.
“No! No, Mark, that’s absurd,” she said defensively. “You don’t think that. I hope none of you thinks that. But the problem is that there are already some extremely capable command people in place on the Exeter. It’s not exactly fair to shunt them aside, no matter what my personal preferences are. Would any of you be comfortable with my just walking in and dismissing the command crew there out of hand? Well? Would you?”
There was a thoughtful silence around the table.
“I have no problem with that,” McHenry said.
“Me neither,” said Lefler.
“Seems logical,” said Soleta.
“I would if I were you,” Si Cwan told her.
“Let’s just kill them,” rumbled Kebron, which drew laughter from the others.
Shelby felt her heart sink. It was going to be tougher than she’d anticipated. “It’s just that . . . well . . . what’s the best way to put this?” She scratched her chin thoughtfully. “The crew that we had—the sensibilities, the style, the mix of personalities—was unique. I’ve served aboard a variety of starships and I’ve never seen one quite like it. And I can’t help but think that this particular mix of personalities worked as well as it did because of Mac.” She was relieved to see that there was slow nodding from around her. “Mac created something very special aboard the Excalibur. Something that wasn’t exactly regulation, but not exactly anarchic, either. And it worked because of him. And I’m . . . not sure that it would work without him. You see what I’m saying?”
“You’re saying it’d be like trying to make an award-winning cake batter without eggs,” said Lefler.
“Yes!” Shelby slapped the table in affirmation. “Yes, that’s exactly it. One of the key ingredients would be missing, and because of that, the cake wouldn’t rise.”
“Actually, eggs do not cause the cake to rise,” Soleta said immediately. “That happens because of—”
“We’re getting off track here,” Shelby said quickly. “The point is, Mackenzie Calhoun was what made it work. I’m . . . not him. And that’s not an easy admission to make because, to be perfectly honest, for a time there I felt as if I was infinitely superior to him. More qualified, a better leader. But in the time I was with him, I came to appreciate him for the truly great captain that he was. If I tried to be just like him . . . I’d fall short. And you people would suffer because of it. It’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to you.”
Once again there was a considered silence at the table. Shelby was sure she could hear her heart thudding against her ribs.
It was Selar who broke the silence. “She is correct.”
“You agree with the commander, Selar?” asked Burgoyne.
“That would be implicit in ‘She is correct,’ yes,” Selar said with lacerating sarcasm. “To maintain the previous crew would be to maintain the ghost of Mackenzie Calhoun at all times. We would be trying to re-create that which can not be re-created. Furthermore, consciously or unconsciously, we would be holding Commander Shelby up against Captain Calhoun in all matters. Even if we did not intend to do so . . . even if we said nothing to give her cause to think that we are . . . the commander would very likely wonder if we were consistently measuring her against Captain Calhoun.”
“But didn’t she run that risk as second-in-command of the Excalibur?” inquired Soleta. Shelby was amused to watch the exchange; they were acting as if she were no longer seated at the table. “She was stylistically different during those periods, but there were no difficulties.”
“She was always seen as a temporary replacement,” Selar replied briskly. “Even if any of us did disagree with anything she did, there was always the knowledge that Captain Calhoun would be returning shortly. But now . . .”
“We’d be stuck with her,” said McHenry, and suddenly he turned to Shelby, looking a bit chagrined. “Sorry. No offense meant.”
“None taken,” Shelby said, although she wasn’t entirely sure about that.
“I’d miss you all terribly, though,” said Lefler.
“People come and go,” Burgoyne said with a small shrug. “It is the nature of the life that we have chosen. You can’t really avoid it.”
“I suppose,” sighed Lefler.
“I, myself, do not mind at all the notion of time off. It will allow me to return to Vulcan,” Selar said. She glanced down at Xyon with that air of faint, distant fascination, as if she could not believe it possible that the infant was in her arms. “There are certain . . . avenues to be pursued to prepare Xyon for his future, and I must—”
“We must.”
Burgoyne’s correction was quiet but firm, and Shelby felt an immediate edginess entering the proceedings. She had a very strong suspicion that they were all seeing a definite hint of a discussion that had already been held between Burgoyne and Selar.
Sure enough, Selar leaned forward and said in a low voice, which was still easily heard by everyone else at the table, “We have discussed this already.”
“No, we have not. Because a real discussion doesn’t consist of you telling me what will be, period, end of conversation.”
“Is there a problem?” asked Shelby delicately.
“No,” Selar and Burgoyne both said immediately.
And I thought Vulcans didn’t lie, thought Shelby, but naturally she said nothing. “Oh, good. And I’m sure if there were a problem, the two of you would be able to work it out since, of course, there is the child to consider.”
“I assure you, Commander,” said Selar with as testy a tone as she ever adopted, “that my child’s—”
“Our child’s.”
“—welfare,” she continued, ignoring Burgoyne’s interruption, “is of the greatest importance.”
“And what about you, Si Cwan?” asked Shelby, suddenly feeling that it would be best if she steered the conversation in a different direction. “You and Kalinda. You’re not part of Starfleet. Will you return to Sector 221-G?”
Kalinda looked in confusion at her brother. “Return to what . . . ?”
He glanced at Kalinda and smiled. It was something that the imperious Thallonian, as red-hued as most of his race, didn’t do all that often. Shelby realized that he had a rather attractive smile, and she also noticed that Robin Lefler seemed just a bit entranced by it. “Sector 221-G is how they refer to Thallonian space. You studied star charts, little sister; I’d have thought you’d have noticed that.”
“Forgive my lapses, Cwan,” she said with amused sarcasm. “I was trying to assimilate a lot at one time.”
“Could you use a word other than ‘assimilate’?” requested Shelby.
“Oh. Uhm . . . okay,” said Kalinda uncertainly, not at all understanding Shelby’s reaction but obviously not wanting to give offense. “I was trying to . . . absorb . . . a lot at one time?”
Shelby nodded in approval.
Si Cwan, making no effort to explain Shelby’s reaction to his sister, instead said to Shelby, “To be honest, I am not certain. Without the backing of a starship or
similar impressive vessel, my endeavors to pull together the fractured worlds of our former empire would be doomed. My other great incentive for returning to my home space would have been to find Kally . . . except she is right here,” and he indicated her. “So I am left wondering what the purpose would be. I find that I am left somewhat at loose ends. There is not much call for a former ruler whose entire empire fell apart and whose homeworld was shattered from within by a gigantic flaming legendary bird.”
“On the upside,” said McHenry cheerfully, “if there is call for a former ruler whose entire empire fell apart and whose homeworld was shattered from within by a gigantic flaming legendary bird, then you’re probably the front-runner for the job.”
“I will take great comfort in that, McHenry. The thought will keep me warm on many a cold night.”
“You do have a knack for defusing a situation,” Shelby said. “People tend to listen to you. You have a great deal of . . .”
“Charisma?” suggested Lefler, not taking her eyes off Si Cwan.
“I was going to say ‘presence,’ but that’s certainly another acceptable word,” said Shelby. “The point is, the title of ‘Ambassador’ was given you purely as a courtesy. A means of describing just what the hell it was you were doing on the ship. But if you were actually to join the Federation diplomatic corps, you could be tremendously effective.”
Kalinda laughed at that in a tone that immediately caught Shelby’s attention, and not in a positive way. “You seem to think that’s funny, Kalinda.”
She leaned forward and said, “What you are suggesting—if I’m understanding you correctly—is that Si Cwan go around to different worlds and represent the viewpoints and agendas of the Federation.”
“Well, essentially, that’s what it would entail.”
And she laughed again. “Si Cwan represents only Si Cwan. I fear very little good would come from what you’re suggesting.”
“Is that the case, Cwan?” asked Lefler.
Si Cwan smiled. “I fear my sister knows me all too well. I had no difficulty representing the Thallonian point of view because it was my own. If I were to take up a post with the Federation, however, it will inevitably require me to fight the good fight on behalf of something that I do not truly believe in. Not only would I be a hindrance, but also in that sort of situation I might even prove something of a danger. No . . . no, I am afraid that I will have to search elsewhere for finding a new purpose in the galaxy.”