by Sue Grafton
He was silent again. I thought, Jesus, what must it be like to have a mother who could love you that way? My parents had died when I was five, in a freak car accident. We’d been on a Sunday outing, driving up to Lompoc, when a huge boulder tumbled down the mountain and smashed through the windshield. My father had died instantly and we’d crashed. I’d been in the backseat, thrust down against the floorboards on impact, wedged in by the crushed frame. My mother had lingered, moaning and crying, sinking into a silence finally that I sensed was ominous and forever. It had taken them hours to extract me from the wreckage, trapped there with the dead whom I loved who had left me for all time. After that, I was raised by a no-nonsense aunt who had done her best, who had loved me deeply, but with a matter-of-factness that had failed to nourish some part of me.
Bobby had been infused with a love of such magnitude that it had brought him back from the grave. It was odd, when he was so broken, that I experienced an envy that made tears well up in my eyes. I felt a laugh burble and he turned a puzzled glance on me.
I took out a Kleenex and blew my nose. “I just realized how much I envy you,” I said.
He smiled ruefully. “That’s a first.”
We got back in the car. There’d been no blinding recall, no sudden recollection of forgotten facts, but I’d seen the miry pit into which he had been flung and I’d felt the bond between us strengthened.
“Have you been up here since the accident?”
“No. I never had the nerve and no one ever suggested it. Made me sweat.”
I started the car. “How about a beer?”
“How about a bourbon on the rocks?”
We went to the Stage Coach Tavern, just off the main road, and talked for the rest of the afternoon.
Chapter 8
*
When I dropped him off at his house at five, he hesitated as he got out of the car, pausing as he’d done before with his hand on the door, peering back in at me.
“Know what I like about you?” he said.
“What,” I said.
“When I’m with you, I don’t feel self-conscious or like I’m crippled or ugly. I don’t know how you do that, but it’s nice.”
I looked at him for a moment, feeling oddly self-conscious myself “I’ll tell you. You remind me of a birthday present somebody’s sent through the mail. The papers torn and the box is damaged, but there’s still something terrific in there. I enjoy your company.”
A half-smile formed and disappeared. He glanced over at the house and then back to me. He had something else on his mind, but he seemed embarrassed to admit to it.
“What,” I coaxed.
He tilted his head and the look in his eyes was one I knew. “If I were O.K. … if I’d been whole, would you have thought about having a relationship with me? I mean, boy-girl type?”
“You want the truth?”
“Only if it’s flattering.”
I laughed. “The truth is if I’d run into you before the accident, I’d have been intimidated. You’re too good-looking, too rich, and too young. So I gotta say no. If you were ‘whole,’ as you put it, I probably wouldn’t have known you at all. You’re really not my type, you know?”
“What is your type?”
“I haven’t figured that out yet.”
He looked at me for a minute with a quizzical smile forming ���
“Would you just say what’s on your mind?” I said.
“How can you turn it around and make me feel good that I’m deformed?”
“Oh God, you’re not deformed. Now, quit that! I’ll talk to you later.”
He smiled and slammed the car door, moving back then so I could make the turnaround and head out the far side of the driveway.
I drove back to my place. It was only 5:15. I still had time to get a run in, though I wondered at the wisdom of it. Bobby and I had spent the better part of the day drinking beer and bourbon and bad Chablis, gnawing barbecued spareribs and sourdough bread tough enough to tug your dentures out. I was really more in the mood for a nap than a run, but I thought the self-discipline would serve me right.
I changed into my running clothes and did three miles while I went through the mental gymnastics of getting the case organized. It felt like iffy stuff” and I wasn’t quite sure where to start. I thought I better check with Dr. Fraker in the Pathology Department at St. Terry’s first, maybe pop in and see Kitty at the same time, and then try the newspaper morgue and go through the tedious business of checking back through local news prior to the accident just to see what was going on at the time. Maybe some event then current would shed light on Bobbys claim that someone had tried to murder him.
I went over to Bosie’s at seven for a glass of wine. I was feeling restless and I wondered if Bobby hadn’t set something in motion somehow. It was nice having someone to pal around with, nice to while away an afternoon in good company, nice to have someone whose face I looked forward to seeing. I wasn’t sure how to categorize our relationship. My affection for him wasn’t maternal in any way. Sisterly, perhaps. He seemed like a good friend and I felt for him all the admiration one feels for a good friend. He was fun, and being with him was peaceful. I’d been alone for so long that a relationship of any kind seemed like seductive stuff.
I snagged a glass of wine at the bar and then I sat in the back booth and surveyed the place. For a Tuesday night, there was a lively crowd, which is to say, two guys arguing nasally at the bar, and an old couple from the neighborhood sharing a big plate of pancakes layered with ham. Rosie remained at the bar with a cigarette, smoke drifting up around her head in a halo of nicotine and hair spray. She’s in her sixties, Hungarian and bossy, a creature of muumuus and dyed auburn tresses, which she wears parted down the center and plastered into place with sprays that have sat on the grocery-store shelves since the beehive hairdo bumbled out of fashion in 1966. Rosie has a long nose, a short upper lip, eyes that she pencils into narrow, suspicious-looking slits. She’s short, top-heavy, and opinionated. Also she pouts, which in a woman her age is ludicrous, but effective. Half the time, I don’t like her much, but she never ceases to fascinate.
Her establishment has the same crude but cranky appeal. The bar extends along the left wall with a stuffed marlin arched above it that I suspect was never really alive. A big color TV sits on the far end of the bar, sound off, images dancing about like transmissions from another planet where life is vibrant and lunatic. The place always smells of beer, cigarette smoke, and cooking grease that should have been thrown out last week. There are six or seven tables in the center of the room surrounded by chrome-and-plastic chairs out of somebody’s 1940s dinette set. The eight booths along the right wall have been fashioned out of plywood and stained the color of walnut, complete with tasteless suggestions carved in by ruffians who apparently had had a go at the ladies’ room, too. It’s possible that Rosie doesn’t read English well enough to divine the true meaning of these primitive slogans. It’s also possible that they express her sentiments exactly. Hard to know with her.
I glanced over at her and discovered that she was sitting bolt upright and very still, squinting narrowly at the front door. I followed her gaze. Henry had just come in with his new lady friend, Lila Sams. Rosie’s antennae had apparently gone up automatically, like My Favorite Martian in drag. Henry found a table that seemed reasonably clean and pulled out a chair. Lila sat down and settled her big plastic bag on her lap like a small dog. She was wearing a bright cotton dress in a snazzy print, bold red poppies on a ground of blue, and her hair looked as if it had been poufed at the beauty parlor that very afternoon. Henry sat down, glancing back at the booth, where he knows I usually sit. I gave a little finger wave and he waved back. Lila’s head swiveled in my direction and her smile took on a look of false delight.
Rosie, meanwhile, had set her evening paper aside and had left her stool, gliding through the bar like a shark. I could only surmise that she and Lila had met before. I looked on with interest. This might be almost
as entertaining as Godzilla Meets Bambi, at my local cinema. From my vantage point, of course, the whole encounter took place in pantomime.
Rosie had her order pad out. She stood and stared at Henry, behaving as though he were alone, which is exactly how she treats me when I come in with a friend. Rosie doesn’t speak to strangers. She doesn’t make eye contact with anyone she hasn’t known for some time. This is especially true when the “anyones” are women. Lila was all aflutter. Henry conferred with her and ordered for them both. Much discussion ensued. I gathered that Lila had made some request that didn’t suit Rosie’s notion of gourmet Hungarian cuisine. Maybe Lila wanted the peppers left out or something roasted instead of fried. Lila looked like the sort of woman who’d have lots of dietary taboos. Rosie only had the one. You ate it the way she served it or you went somewhere else. Lila apparently couldn’t believe that she couldn’t be catered to. Shrill and quarrelsome noises arose, all Lila’s. Rosie didn’t say a word. It was her place. She could do anything she wanted to. The two men at the bar who’d been arguing about politics turned to watch the show. The couple eating the sonkas palacsinta paused simultaneously, forks in midair.
Lila flounced her chair back. I thought for a minute she meant to hit Rosie with her purse. Instead, she delivered what looked like a scathing remark and marched toward the door with Henry scrambling after her. Rosie remained unruffled, smiling secretly as cats do in the midst of mouse dreams. The customers in the place, all five of us, got very quiet, tending studiously to our own private thoughts lest Rosie turn on us inexplicably and eighty-six us for life.
Twenty minutes passed before Rosie found an excuse to head my way. My wineglass was empty and she was bringing me a refill with unheard-of good grace. She set the second glass on the table and then folded her hands in front of her, wiggling slightly in place. She does this when she wants your attention or feels you haven’t lauded her with quite enough praise for some culinary accomplishment.
“Looks like you took care of her,” I remarked.
“Is vulgar woman. Terrible creature. She was in once before and I don’t like her a bit. Henry must be crazy nuts to come in my place with a hussy like that. Who is she?”
I shrugged. “Listen, all I know is her name is Lila Sams. She’s renting a room from Mrs. Lowenstein and Henry seems to be smitten.”
“I’m gonna smitten her if she comes in here again! She got something funny with her eyes.” Rosie screwed her face up and did an imitation of Lila that made me laugh. Rosie’s generally a humorless person and I had no idea her powers of observation were so keen, let alone her ability to mimic. She was dead serious, of course. She drew herself together. “What’s she want with him anyway?”
“What makes you think she wants anything? Maybe the two of them are just interested in a little companionship. Henry’s very handsome, if you ask me.”
“I didn’t ask you! He’s very handsome, He’s good fellow too. So why does he need companionship with that little snake?”
“Like they say, Rosie, there’s no accounting for taste. Maybe she has redeeming qualities that aren’t immediately evident.”
“Oh no. Not her. She’s up to something no good. I’m gonna talk to Mrs. Lowenstein. What’s the matter with her, renting to a woman like that?”
I rather wondered about that myself, walking the half-block home. Mrs. Lowenstein is a widow who owns considerable property in the neighborhood. I couldn’t believe she needed the money and I was curious how Lila Sams had arrived at her doorstep.
When I got back to my place, Henrys kitchen light was on and I could hear the muffled sounds of Lila’s voice, shrill and inconsolable. The encounter with Rosie had apparently
upset her thoroughly and all of Henry’s murmured reassurances were doing no good. I unlocked my door and let myself in, effectively shutting out the noise.
I read for an hour ��� six thrilling chapters from a book on burglary and theft ��� and went to bed early, wrapping myself up in my quilt. I turned off the light and lay there for a while in the dark. I could have sworn I still heard the faint rise and fall of Lila’s wine, circling my ear like a mosquito. I couldn’t distinguish the words, but the tone was clear… contentious and ill-humored. Maybe Henry would realize she was not as nice as she pretended to be. Maybe not, though. I’m always startled at what fools men and women make of themselves in the pursuit of sex.
I woke at seven, had a cup of coffee while I read the paper, and then headed over to Santa Teresa Fitness for my Wednesday workout. I was feeling stronger and the two days of jogging had left my legs aching pleasantly. The morning was clear, not yet hot, the sky was blank as a canvas being prepared for paint. The parking lot at the gym was almost full and I snagged the one empty space. I spotted Bobby’s car two slots over and I smiled, looking forward to seeing him.
The gym was surprisingly populated for the middle of the week, with five or six two-hundred-and-eighty-pound guys lifting weights, two women in tights on the Nautilus equipment, and a trainer supervising the workout of a young actress whose rear end was spreading out like slowly melting candle wax. I caught sight of Bobby doing bench presses on a Universal machine near the far wall. He’d apparently been there for a while because his T-shirt was ringed with sweat and his blond hair had separated into damp strands. I didn’t want to interrupt him so I simply stashed my gym bag and got down to business myself.
I started my workout with some bicep curls, using dumbbells with hardly any weight, beginning to concentrate as I warmed up. By now, I knew my routine and I had to fight a certain mounting impatience. I’m not a process person. I like goals and closure, the arrival instead of the journey itself. Repetition makes me rebellious. How I manage to jog from day to day I’m never sure. I proceeded to wrist curls, mentally leaping ahead through my routine, wishing I was at the end of it instead of two exercises in. Maybe Bobby and I could have lunch again if he was free.
I heard a clatter and then a thump and looked up in time to see that he’d lost his balance and stumbled against a stack of five-pound plates. It was clear he hadn’t hurt himself, but he seemed to catch sight of me for the first time and his embarrassment was acute. He flushed, trying to scramble to his feet again. One of the guys at the next machine leaned over casually and gave him an assist. He steadied himself self-consciously, waving aside any further help. He limped over to the leg-press machine, his air brusque and withdrawn. I went on working out as though I hadn’t seen anything, but I kept a discreet eye on him. Even at that distance, I could see that his mood was dark, his face tense. A couple of people sent looks in his direction that spoke of pity, veiled as concern. He mopped at his chin, his attention turned inward. His left leg was going into muscle spasms of some sort and he clutched at his knee with frustration. The leg was like a separate creature, jumping fitfully, defying containment or control. Bobby groaned, pounding angrily at his own flesh as though he might subdue it with his fist. I struggled with an impulse to cross the room, but I knew it would only make things worse. He’d been pushing himself and his body was vibrating with fatigue. Just as suddenly as it had begun, the spasm seemed to fade. He dashed at his eyes, keeping his head low. As soon as he was able to walk again, he snatched up a towel and headed for the locker room, abandoning the rest of his regimen.
I hurried through the rest of my workout and showered as quickly as I could. I expected to find his car gone, but it was still parked in the slot where I’d seen it. Bobby sat with his arms encircling the steering wheel, his head resting on his arms, his shoulders convulsing with dry, hacking sobs. I hesitated for a moment and then approached the car on the passenger side. I got in and closed the door and sat there with him until he was done. I didn’t have any comfort for him. There wasn’t anything I could do. I had no way to address his pain or his despair and my only hope was to let him know by my presence that I did feel for him and I did care.
It passed by degrees, and when it was over, he dried his eyes with a towel and blew his nose, kee
ping his face averted.
“You want to go have some coffee?”
He shook his head. “Just leave me alone, O.K.?” he said.
“I got time,” I said.
“Maybe I’ll call you later.”
“All right. I’ll go ahead and take care of some business and maybe we can connect up this afternoon. You need anything in the meantime?”
“No.” The tone was dull, his manner listless now.
“Bobby ���”
“No! Just get the fuck away from me and leave me alone. I don’t need your help.”
I opened the car door. “I’ll check back with you,” I said. “Take care.”
He reached over and grabbed the door handle, slamming it shut. He started the engine with a roar, and I stepped aside, as he backed out of the slot with a squeal of tires and shot out of the parking lot without a backward glance.
That was the last I ever saw of him.
Chapter 9
*
The Pathology Department at St. Terry’s is located below ground in the heart of a maze of small offices. Miles of corridors branch out in all directions, connecting the non-medical departments charged with the actual running of the facility: maintenance, housekeeping, engineering, plant operations. Where the floors above are renovated and tastefully done, the decor down here runs to brown vinyl tile and glossy paint the color of vanished bones. The air smells hot and dry and certain open doorways reveal glimpses of ominous machinery and electrical ducts as big as sewer pipes.
There was a steady flow of pedestrian traffic that day, people in hospital uniforms, as pale and expressionless as residents of an underground city, starved for sunlight. The Pathology Department itself was a pleasant contrast: spacious, well lighted, handsomely appointed in royal blue and gray, with fifty to sixty lab technicians working to accommodate the blood, bone, and tissue specimens that filtered down from above. The computerized equipment seemed to click, hum, and whir: efficiency augmented by an army of experts. Noise was muted, telephones pinging daintily against the artificial air. Even the typewriters seemed to be muffled, recording discreetly the secrets of the human condition. There was order, proficiency, and calm, the sense that here, at least, the pain and indignation of illness was under control. Death was being held at bay, measured, calibrated, and analyzed. Where it had claimed a victory, the same crew of specialists dissected the results and fed them into the machinery. Paper poured out in a long road, paved with hieroglyphics. I stood in the doorway for a moment, struck by the scene. These were microscope detectives, pursuing killers of another order than those I hunted down.