by Cora Brent
Helen finished off the last of her food and gazed at me with a small frown. “Wouldn’t surprise me, with all the hours you’ve been working. Do you ever sleep, Audrey? I swear you could stuff all your leftovers in those bags under your eyes,” she claimed, pointing to my bowl of picked-over fried rice.
I raised my water glass. “Here’s to friends who don’t mince words.”
Helen shrugged. “You should know I have no off switch. We’ve worked together for five years.”
“Seven,” I corrected her.
“Has it really been that long?”
“Yes.”
“Shit,” she swore. “I’ve got to find another job.”
Helen didn’t bring up Jason’s name again, but she didn’t let me leave the table without dispensing some advice.
“Give yourself a break now and then,” she said. “The earth won’t quit turning if you’re not hovering over your laptop twenty hours a day.”
Helen meant well, but our jobs weren’t in the same category. When five o’clock on Friday rolled around, she could leave her desk and have faith that no accounting emergencies were likely to arise before Monday. She didn’t bear my level of responsibility.
Surprisingly, Jason was at his desk when I walked into the office after lunch.
“Hey, you,” I said, pleased to see him and hoping to clear the air between us.
He glanced up. “Hi.”
I shoved my purse under my desk and sat down, checking out the blazer casually draped across the back of his chair. Jason usually dressed well, but a suit was uncalled for, especially if he’d spent the morning shuffling around in the dust at the courthouse site.
“Did I miss an important meeting or something?” I asked, realizing he wasn’t going to do much to ignite the conversation.
“Not that I’m aware of.”
“Then why the suit?”
He shifted in his chair. “I had an interview.”
“What are you talking about? Like a job interview?”
“Exactly like a job interview.”
I had to make a conscious effort to close my jaw and take a deep breath. Jason had never mentioned he was looking to move on.
“Jason.” I eased out of my chair and crossed the room to perch on the edge of his desk. I wanted to touch him, but I would have had to lean all the way forward in order to reach his arm. “What’s going on?”
He swiveled in his chair to face me. “It’s not what you think,” he said.
“What do I think?”
“That I’m having a temper tantrum in response to what happened this week.”
“Are you?”
His lips thinned. “No.”
I looked down at my nails. They were bitten down to the quick, an old, disgusting habit I hadn’t realized I’d resumed. “But you’re leaving.”
“I didn’t say that. I sent a résumé over to Barrow Brothers months ago, before the courthouse project was assigned, before we got together. They gave me a call on Tuesday out of the blue, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go down there for an hour.”
“And?” I asked, dreading what the answer would be.
Jason sighed and leaned back in his chair. “And the compensation package is competitive and the bulk of their projects are in the East Valley, which would cut down on my commute. It’s a smaller company than Lester & Brown but family-owned, probably less bullshit office politics.”
You’re leaving me.
I lowered my head so he wouldn’t see that I was a breath away from crying. “Are you going to take it?”
“I haven’t decided.”
It wasn’t the most devastating reply he could have given, but it knocked the wind out of me a little.
Jason reached for me and I gladly went to him, allowing myself to be enveloped by the strong arms I loved so much. I raised my head and met his lips, softly at first, a kiss of tenderness and apology that quickly escalated. His hand crept beneath my blouse and my mouth moved to his neck, sucking the skin just enough to induce a soft moan from him.
“Fuck, I miss you,” he growled, sliding his hand higher, underneath my bra.
“I’m right here,” I whispered, kissing his neck, his chin, his cheeks. Jason was the man I wanted. I couldn’t imagine feeling differently. I’d make it all up to him for being so immersed in work lately that I’d put him on the back burner of my life. It wouldn’t always be this way. There would be time later.
“We’ll go out tonight,” he said with conviction as his palm playfully cupped my left breast. “I think it’s time we crashed Esposito’s again. Dom just asked me yesterday when we’re planning on coming around. He’s got some new menu items he wanted to test on a few guinea pigs.” His thumb grazed my breast and his voice grew husky. “We’ll make it an early night. My place or your place, doesn’t matter. We’ve got a few nights of lost time to make up for.” He teased my lips briefly with his tongue. “Be ready to go at five o’clock.”
Every word out of his mouth was perfect. But I glanced over at my desk where a stack of subcontractor paperwork awaited. None of it was officially due until Monday, but I was determined to get through it before I left today. That would mean staying until seven. Or eight.
“I don’t think I’ll be ready by five,” I said. “Why don’t you go down to Esposito’s and hang out with your friends and I’ll let you know when I’m all done here.”
He responded by taking his hands off me and heaving a mighty sigh of frustration.
I climbed off his lap, discreetly adjusting the bra he’d managed to displace.
“What’s wrong?”
He threw me a look. “You know.”
“Jason, I’m trying to come up with a solution that will work for both of us.”
“This is not a project-management problem, Audrey. It’s a night with your boyfriend. No analysis required.”
I tucked my blouse back into my skirt. “This shouldn’t be an issue. Of course I want to see you tonight. I’m just asking for a few extra hours.”
“After you blew me off all week.”
I glared at him. “Ditto, asshole. It’s not like you were bending over backward to talk to me.”
“I said what I needed to say. The ball was in your court, honey.”
“Oh yeah? Well, there’s been a hell of a lot of activity on the court, in case you haven’t noticed.” I was aware that I was dangerously close to yelling. I was also aware that the office walls were only marginally thicker than cardboard. “Jason, I’m up to my goddamn eyeballs in work right now.”
“Because you don’t like to share the responsibility. You’d rather go it alone.”
I shook my head. “I don’t understand why it’s so painful for you to cut me a little slack.”
He was standing now. “Goddamn it, this doesn’t work that way, Audrey. You don’t get to dictate the terms of a relationship when it’s convenient for you.”
“I’m not dictating. And when in the hell was your last relationship anyway?”
Jason stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared out the room’s lone window, which had a lovely view of the parking garage. “We should knock this off for now. It’s about to devolve into a shouting match.”
“I think it already has. And since when is Jason Roma the voice of reason?”
He continued to stare out the window. “You want some help with that pile of paperwork on your desk?”
“I can handle it,” I said. “I’m sure you’ve got work of your own to do.”
I hadn’t meant it to sound sarcastic, but I was aware that it came off that way.
Jason nodded and grabbed his laptop. “Conference room is empty. I’m going to go work in there for a little while and then I’ll head over to the jobsite.”
My heart hurt as I watched him heading for the door because he didn’t want to occupy the same space as me.
“Are you going to take that other job?” I blurted.
Jason faced me and shrugged. “We can talk about it,” he s
aid. “I promise I won’t finalize anything before we do.”
He didn’t return to our office for the rest of the afternoon. I made a deal with myself that if Jason returned, then I would leave with him at five. But the hours ticked past and eventually I heard the sounds of the staff departing for the weekend. Helen poked her head into my office long enough to order me to have a good one.
“You too,” I said feebly.
The building hollowed out and the sky began to darken. I visited the vending machine shortly after seven and listened to the distant echoes of activity.
Rick Levin, one of the engineers, wandered into the break room and nodded at me. “Glad I’m not the only dumbass working late on a Friday.” He shoved some change into the vending machine.
I crunched a potato chip. “I’ll be leaving in a few minutes.”
Rick grunted and his joints creaked as he bent to retrieve his soda from the dispenser at the bottom of the machine. “Be careful on the commute. Radio says there was an accident on the eastbound I-10. Pretty bad one. It’s also turned traffic into one of Dante’s circles of hell.”
“Thanks, but I don’t take the freeway. I’m just a few miles away.”
Rick returned to his desk and I stood there alone in an empty room, licking potato chip salt off my fingers and wondering if this was to be my usual Friday night destiny. A pang hit me as I thought about how I’d spent last Friday night. In Sedona with Jason. Despite all the dramatic courthouse bullshit that sent me into a tailspin, it was still the most incredible weekend I’d ever had.
Did I bother to tell him that?
I tossed the potato chip bag into the trash and returned to my office. I looked at my comfortable chair and it occurred to me that I’d rather sit for a root canal than spend another minute in here tonight. Snatching up my purse and leaving paperwork strewn across the surface of my desk, I ran out of the room as if being chased by Freddy Krueger. Once I was out of the building and in my car, I felt slightly better. But not great.
I dug around in my purse for my phone and fired off a text to Jason.
Where are you now?
As I awaited his answer, a smile spread across my face. I would ask if I could still see him tonight. I would offer to meet him anywhere. Esposito’s or his place or my place or the freaking corner Walgreens. I just wanted to be wherever he was. Twenty minutes passed and he didn’t answer. A call to his phone went straight to voicemail.
The parking garage after dark was really not an ideal place to hang out, so I drove out of there, feeling a little dispirited. Jason always had his phone with him. If he wasn’t answering me, it was because he didn’t want to. I thought about driving to his place in Chandler, but one glance toward the freeway told me Rick was right about the appalling state of eastbound traffic. It appeared to be backed up for untold miles, and a small shiver rolled through as I thought about why. Somewhere at the end of all those cars and lights was a tragedy.
Back in my apartment I cheered up a little when I discovered an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies in my pantry. Then I turned on the television to counter the empty silence of the apartment. I chewed my cookies and flipped to some show about homesteaders with substantial facial hair who lived off the grid in North Dakota. It was surprisingly addictive, and since the network was running a marathon, I watched four more episodes, devoured every last Girl Scout cookie, and obsessively checked my phone to see if Jason had responded yet. He hadn’t.
At eleven o’clock I resigned myself to a lonely night in my bed and took a shower. As I toweled off I realized I hadn’t even thought about work in hours, and the idea pleased me. Helen was right. A small break was in order now and then. I only wished Jason were here to enjoy it with me.
I set my phone on my nightstand as I always did and restlessly tossed in my bed.
A shrill ringtone awakened me from a sound sleep. Earlier I had turned the volume all the way up so I wouldn’t miss Jason’s call. Blearily I rubbed my eyes and tried to focus on the screen after noting the red numbers on my old alarm clock radio. A sense of fear built even before I focused on the name displayed on my phone. The thing bleated loudly once more. I picked it up.
“What happened?” A call this late could only mean terrible news was coming.
I was right.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Dawn was just breaking, and the imposing, arched front door had never looked forlorn to me before this moment. But now I could swear there was a melancholy air in the way it seemed to frown at me as I rang the doorbell.
My mother answered the door with red, unfocused eyes. Her brassy hair was twisted in a careless ponytail and she seemed small in her leggings and bare feet.
“Audrey,” she said with a rasp in her voice that came from too much crying. “Thanks for coming. You didn’t have to.”
I stepped over the threshold, slightly hurt that she thought I might not be here, that part of her still assumed I was the unreliable girl who wouldn’t care enough to stand beside her family on a day like this.
“Where’s William?” I asked, looking around the empty grand foyer.
She sighed and closed the door. “Your father’s with him. The accident . . . well, it was gruesome. Her car was crushed, and they believe she died on impact. But someone needed to make a positive identification, and William wanted to see her. William already called Jennifer’s mother in Portland.”
Her voice broke a little over this last sentence and she put a shaking hand to her mouth, correctly figuring her own pain was nothing compared to that of the woman who would need to bury a beloved daughter.
I touched her arm in comfort. “Where are the boys?”
My mother pointed. “In the den. They’re exhausted. I tried to get them to sleep but they don’t want to.”
I swallowed. “Do they know?”
She closed her eyes briefly and looked every day of her age. “They know.” She twisted up a tissue in her hands and walked over to the big bay window. Her voice was little more than a whisper and I wasn’t even sure if she meant to speak aloud. “No matter what I’ve said about her, I never would have wanted this. Never would have wanted this for those babies.”
I struggled not to cry. “Nobody would have wanted this, Mom.” After setting my purse down, I walked down the hall to the den, where I knew the lone television in the house was kept these days. The echoes of my footsteps on the marble floor seemed hideously loud to me.
The boys were sitting side by side on the huge cream-colored leather sofa. Their eyes tracked a garish collection of characters capering across the TV screen, but the sound was too low to hear what was going on. I doubted they were really watching the program. They looked too stunned.
“Leo?” I said softly. “Isaac?”
Leo turned his head and just stared at me, but Isaac’s face crumpled and he shot off the sofa and into my arms. I picked up the heavy, heartbroken little boy and carried him over to an armchair. Leo watched us from the sofa, and I held out a hand to him, but he simply turned his eyes back to the television.
Isaac sobbed and I rocked him like a baby as my own heart broke thinking of what my nephews must be feeling right now. My mother had already told me the story on the phone.
When Jennifer hadn’t picked up the boys by seven, the daycare provider called William, thinking something must be wrong. She was never this late when picking up her sons after work and she wouldn’t have forgotten to call if something urgent came up. William told the babysitter he would come pick up the boys right away and then track down Jennifer. He was walking out to his car when a police officer, a friend of his, stopped him in the parking lot. The officer said he didn’t know much, just that there’d been an accident. At that point William called my mother to ask her to please pick up Isaac and Leo. He wanted to make sure they were among family if the news about Jennifer was bad.
It had taken a long time to clear the scene of the accident because a fatality required an immediate investigation. I shuddered as I thought o
f how I’d casually glanced toward the freeway and saw the lines of unmoving traffic, never guessing the true and horrifying cause of it all.
For hours William languished in the hospital awaiting word on his ex-wife, the mother of his beloved sons. Maybe he held on to a tiny splinter of hope in all that time. Or maybe he understood that when she never reached the trauma center, it was because she couldn’t be saved. The crack in my heart widened as I imagined my big brother’s agony.
A shadow fell and I looked up to see my mother standing in the doorway. She watched me as I rocked the sobbing Isaac, then she sighed and went over to the couch to sit beside Leo. She’d never been naturally affectionate with her children or her grandchildren, but nothing was typical about today. After a moment the boy rested his head against his grandmother’s shoulder and she slowly put her arm around him and kissed the top of his head.
My mother’s eyes met mine and I knew we were thinking the same thing. The boys were so young. No matter how much love and support I gave Leo and Isaac, or how much my parents could even give, there would forever be a painful void where their mother should be.
Then I thought of Jennifer Kaufman Gordon, the pretty, vivacious girl who had clung to my handsome brother’s arm on their wedding day.
Jennifer, the new mother, who stared down into the face of her first newborn baby with such an expression of serene awe and total love it was tough to look away.
Jennifer, the woman who beamed with pride every time her eyes landed on her sons.
Jennifer, who looked at me with pleading eyes and asked me not to despise her. I never had. She was my family and I loved her.
Goodbye, my sister.
The boys had been up all night, and now that the shock was wearing off, they agreed to try to get some rest. My mother tried to steer them to the guest room, but Isaac said he was afraid of the white filmy drapes so I brought them to my old bedroom instead.
Luanne had arrived at the house moments earlier and she brought me some extra pillows. Her broad, kind face looked on the boys with pity, and before she left the room, she told me not to hesitate to ask for anything else.
Leo was yawning as he kicked his shoes off, and he curled up into a ball, eyes already closed before I tucked the lavender comforter around his thin shoulders, while Isaac’s bright eyes regarded me silently from the pillow beside his brother.