by Mary Evans
‘Goodnight, son,’ he said. ‘Sleep—’
‘Hush, little baby, don’t you cry . . .’
Elliot and the immortals turned slowly. Josie was walking towards them, singing.
‘Mum?’ said Elliot through his tears.
‘Mama’s gonna sing you a lullaby . . .’
Josie knelt beside Hermes and took his head in her hands.
‘Hush, little baby, don’t say a word,’ Josie continued, gently stroking Hermes’s face. ‘Mama’s gonna buy you a mocking bird.’
‘Look!’ gasped Aphrodite. ‘He’s smiling!’
‘And if that mocking bird don’t sing, Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.’
They all stared at Hermes. Aphrodite was right. His previously pained face had softened into a calm smile. He moaned slightly.
‘He – he’s still with us!’ cried Athene. ‘There’s still hope.’
Josie sang on, filling the dark night with her beautiful voice. Hermes took a deep breath and lolled his head happily in Josie’s hands.
‘So hush, little baby, don’t you cry,’ sang Josie, smiling at Elliot. ‘Daddy still loves you and so do I.’
She softly kissed Hermes’s head.
‘Don’t worry, my darling,’ she whispered in Hermes’s ear, cradling him in her arms as the Gods gently embraced her. ‘Everything’s going to be fine. There’s nothing that love can’t cure.’
The Gods tucked Hermes back into his bed. He was still unconscious, but at least now he looked as if he were having a peaceful sleep, rather than hovering on the brink of death.
With the Messenger God safe and snug, everyone just made it back to the farmhouse before the storm broke. Within seconds, the kitchen was full of fantastic cooking smells as Athene transformed random bits of food into a sumptuous, unburnt feast.
Everyone sat around the table as course after delicious course appeared, while the storm raged outside. Before long, everyone was in fits at Hermes’s greatest adventures.
‘And then,’ said Hercules, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, ‘he said, “Mate, I don’t care how many countries you’ve invaded. That hairstyle is war crime enough for me!” I nearly slayed a Hydra!’
Everyone around the table collapsed with laughter. Even Hephaestus snorted.
‘This is more like it,’ said Zeus, smiling warmly at Elliot. ‘Every day should be a celebration.’
‘And there is much to celebrate,’ said Athene. ‘We have the Air Stone.’
‘We have each other,’ said Aphrodite, hugging Josie.
‘We have seconds,’ said Zeus, plopping his third helping of mash on to his plate.
‘You know what you need,’ hiccoughed Hercules, his face a little rosy from the nectar he’d been drinking by the pint. ‘For Hermes, I mean. You need a dose of . . . Oh, what’s it called . . . I heard about it during my labours . . . It’ll come to me . . .’
Virgo turned quietly to Elliot as the Gods raised their glasses of nectar to Hermes.
‘Elliot,’ she began. ‘I would just like to say that I am pleased you haven’t yet died a horrible death.’
‘That could be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,’ said Elliot.
‘In order to illustrate my thoughts, I have written you this letter,’ said Virgo, handing him an envelope. ‘It explains how I truly feel.’
Elliot felt a bit queasy. Statistically, this was going to be totally gross.
‘Open it,’ urged Virgo. ‘Please.’
Elliot gingerly lifted a corner of the envelope. He seriously did not want to open this letter.
But before he could, the envelope flew out of his hands and burst into a cloud of confetti above the table, making everyone jump. As the cloud dispersed, a message hung in the air in colourful letters:
FLUSH THE TOILET!
Everyone exploded with laughter. Aphrodite winked at Virgo, who looked around with a satisfied smile.
‘This was an excellent joke, yes?’
Elliot had to give it to her. He held up his palm for a high five. Virgo hesitated, then handed him a spoon.
Elliot sighed. Virgo still had a lot to learn.
‘It’s on the tip of my tongue,’ slurred Hercules, throwing an arm around Jason’s slender shoulders. ‘C’mon – you know the thing I mean . . . it solves everything . . .’
‘Death?’ said Jason.
‘Tell me, old boy,’ said Zeus quietly to Elliot as the rest of the party returned to their happy chat. ‘Have you decided what you’re going to do? About your father?’
‘I think so,’ said Elliot.
‘Good show,’ said Zeus with a smile.
Elliot was grateful Zeus didn’t push him to commit either way. Even he wasn’t 100 per cent sure what he was going to say to his dad.
‘You’ll make the right choice. You always do,’ Zeus added.
Elliot’s heart fluttered as he thought about the choice Thanatos had offered him: was the offer still open? His mum’s health for the four Chaos stones . . . Could he really be relied upon to make the right decision? There was only one way to be sure.
‘Zeus,’ he began uncertainly. ‘There’s something I need to—’
‘Panacea’s potion!’ Hercules boomed suddenly. ‘That’s the stuff!’
‘Panacotta’s what, now?’ spat Theseus through a mouth of the roast beef he was carving. ‘What are you talking about, you blithering buffoon?’
‘Panacea,’ Hercules spelt out. ‘The Goddess of Cures. Before she disappeared, I heard she perfected a potion that could cure all known ills.’
All ills? thought Elliot as his heartbeat doubled. Including mortal ones?
‘It’s just a myth,’ said Athene dismissively. ‘It doesn’t exist. No one has been able to find it – nor her, for that matter.’
‘Where is she?’ asked Virgo.
Elliot tried to stay calm. He could forget Thanatos. This potion – this was the answer for Mum, he just knew it.
‘She vanished,’ whispered Hercules dramatically. ‘Hounded from the world by men seeking the cure to their maladies . . .’
‘I heard she was secretly rejuvenating former boy bands,’ said Aphrodite.
‘Panacea’s potion doesn’t exist,’ said Athene firmly. ‘We need to find another cure for Hermes. And we will.’
But Elliot wasn’t listening. He knew in his bones that the potion was out there. His mind was made up. He was going to find Panacea and get some of her potion. He was going to heal Mum and Hermes. And no one had to get hurt. He smiled to himself. Zeus was right. He could be relied upon to make the right choice.
‘What were you saying, old boy?’ asked Zeus.
‘Nothing,’ smiled Elliot, tucking happily into his roast beef.
Amongst all the happy hubbub around the table, only Elliot heard the knock at the door. Not wanting to disturb the celebratory mood – nor alert Hephaestus to the fact that someone had left the ruddy gate open again – he made his way to the front door. The rain lashed the glass in the darkness, obscuring the face on the other side.
Elliot twisted the door handle, and an enormous gust of wind blew him against the hall dresser as the door slammed back on its hinges.
‘Elly!’ cried Aphrodite, running out into the hallway. ‘Are you OK?’
‘I think so,’ said Elliot, pulling himself up off the floor as everyone came out to investigate the noise.
A glass smashed behind them and Josie screamed. Trembling uncontrollably, she pointed at the man at the door.
‘You’re here!’ she said incredulously as the visitor removed his rain hood, revealing his face.
Elliot tried to focus his blurry vision from the blow to his head. It must have been a big bang. The man looked exactly like . . .
‘I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure,’ said Zeus tentatively, standing in front of his family and extending his hand. ‘And you are . . .?’
‘Home,’ said the visitor, taking Zeus’s hand with a broad grin and a twinkle in
the blue-green eyes that matched Elliot’s own. ‘Hello, Elliot.’
But Elliot couldn’t speak – his jaw felt frozen to the floor. He stared at the man again. It couldn’t be . . .
‘It’s good to see you, son,’ smiled Dave Hooper. ‘Now come and give your old dad a hug.’
THE END
(Or is it . . .?)
What’s What
ELLIOT HOOPER
Category: Mortal
Realm: Earth
Powers: 1) Current guardian of Earth Stone 2) Belching
This unremarkable twelve-year-old boy has been prophecised to rule the world should he acquire the remaining Chaos Stones. Currently resides with Josie-Mum (optimal?) and the Olympians at Home Farm, Wiltshire. Curiously unwashed.
VIRGO
Category: Constellation (suspended)/Mortal (temporary?)
Realm: Earth (formerly Elysium)
Powers: 1) Constellation travel (suspended) 2) Stationery supplies
A former member of the Zodiac Council, Virgo is awaiting trial for gross misconduct and being something of a doughnut. Companion to ELLIOT, whether he wants her or not.
ZEUS
Category: Olympian, King of the Gods (retired)
Realm: Earth (wherever licensed for weddings)
Powers: 1) Omnipotent former ruler of creation 2) Wedding planning and cancellation
His Majesty the King of the Gods has been enjoying retirement, and multiple marriages, for over 2,000 years. Previously believed to have vanquished THANATOS, recent information suggests that his pants are, in fact, on fire.
HERMES
Category: Olympian, Messenger God
Realm: Various (excl. Underworld)
Powers: 1) Flight 2) Bosh (definition unknown)
One of few working Olympians, Hermes has retained his role delivering information around the immortal community. His responsibilities include communication, transformation and style icon (self-appointed).
ATHENE
Category: Olympian, Goddess of Wisdom
Realm: Earth
Powers: 1) Vast knowledge 2) Transformational powers 3) Handicrafts
Currently working as an esteemed Professor at St Brainiac College, Oxford, Athene has also enjoyed success on several mortal TV quiz shows. Can create any substance from another, but refuses to work with loom bands.
APHRODITE
Category: Olympian, Goddess of Love
Realm: Earth
Powers: 1) Ability to make anyone fall in love 2) She’s just lovely . . .
The proprietor of Eros dating agency, Aphrodite exerts a powerful draw over everyone who meets her. This may be due to her immortal powers, or possibly the fact she’s a drop-dead gorgeous hottie. I love you, Aphrodite.
HEPHAESTUS
Category: Olympian, God of the Forge
Realm: Earth
Powers: Invention (esp. swear words)
The Gods’ go-to man for gadgets and gizmos, Hephaestus can fix or build anything. A man of few words, most of them ‘Snordlesnot’.
PEGASUS
Category: Elemental, but considers himself Olympian
Realm: Earth (usually above)
Powers: 1) Flight 2) Crosswords
The transport of choice for ZEUS, Pegasus is a flying horse with a sky-high opinion of himself.
THANATOS
Category: Daemon (of Death), King of Daemons
Realm: Underworld
Powers: 1) Strength 2) Touch of death (mortals only)
Previously believed dead, Thanatos recently escaped from his prison beneath Stonehenge. Determined to regain his Chaos Stones, Thanatos intends to cull mortalkind with natural disasters, then rule over them. Enjoys golf.
HYPNOS
Category: Daemon (of Sleep)
Realm: Earth
Powers: 1) Sleep, nightmares, insomnia, sleepwalking (with ivory trumpet) 2) Gambling
Older twin of THANATOS, Hypnos evaded imprisonment with all other Daemons by betraying his brother to ZEUS. Only being who knows location of Chaos Stones, which he hid at Zeus’s behest. Currently missing.
CHARON
Category: Neutral, immortal ferryman
Realm: All
Powers: 1) Transport 2) Entrepreneur
The founder of Quick Styx Cabs, Charon can transport immortals to any realm (restrictions allowing) via the Ship of Death on the River Styx. Also available for grocery delivery, courier work and children’s parties.
CERBERUS
Category: Elemental
Realm: Underworld
Powers: Security
The three-headed hound of hell is responsible for security in TARTARUS. Also, for financing his extensive family.
PATRICIA PORSHLEY-PLUM
Category: Mortal
Realm: Earth (whereabouts unknown)
Powers: 1) Deception 2) Lying 3) Fraud 4) Theft 5) Embezzlement 6) Arson 7) Twin-sets
Former neighbour of ELLIOT, Mrs Porshley-Plum is determined to acquire his abode of Home Farm to develop the land for personal profit. Seems untroubled by usual mortal concerns of kindness, generosity and not being a horse’s bum.
MR BOIL
Category: Mortal
Realm: Earth
Powers: 1) Education (unconfirmed) 2) Weapons-grade bodily odour
History teacher to ELLIOT, Mr Boil’s chosen career is sub-optimal due to loathing of mortal children. Exudes a powerful aroma believed to be vegetable-based.
GRAHAM SOPWEED
Category: Mortal (but you can Call Me Graham)
Realm: Earth
Powers: Unclear
The headmaster of Brysmore Grammar School. It has yet to be established what Mr Sopweed’s purpose is in mortal life.
Places
ELYSIUM
Heavenly home of Zodiac Council. Not accessible to Elementals.
EARTH
Mortal realm. Very dirty.
ASPHODEL FIELDS
Formerly destination of aimless souls. Now shopping centre.
UNDERWORLD
Daemon realm. Also home to TARTARUS, eternal prison for the wicked. Not accessible to Gods.
RIVER STYX
Link between realms, accessed via CHARON and the Ship of Death. Also used to swear solemn oaths which, if broken, remove immortality.
Categories
DEITIES
Kardia: Precious metals: Gold (Olympians), Silver (Gods), Bronze (Heroes)
Highest order of immortality including Olympians, Gods and Heroes.
Naturally imbued with great powers.
CONSTELLATIONS
Kardia: Crystal
The thirteen members of the Zodiac Council, charged with administering the immortal community.
NEUTRALS
Kardia: Glass
Rare immortals whose special gifts render them immune to other immortals’ powers.
DAEMONS
Kardia: Onyx
Immortals with individual responsibility for human experience (e.g. Happiness, Luck, Wealth, Misery etc.). Require instruments to manifest powers. Currently imprisoned in Tartarus, except for THANATOS and HYPNOS.
ELEMENTALS
Kardia: Naturally occurring substances according to class, e.g. stone, wood, rock etc. Any immortal entity not listed above. May have human, animal or fantastical form. Often used for manual labour.
Artefacts
CHAOS STONES
Four elemental gems with potent powers, given by CHAOS to her son EREBUS, Daemon of Darkness (former King of Daemons, deceased, father to THANATOS and HYPNOS). Earth Stone (diamond), Air Stone (emerald), Water Stone (ruby) and Fire Stone (sapphire). Current whereabouts of three are unknown – Earth Stone protected by ELLIOT.
KARDIA
Necklace worn by all immortals to denote Category and Class. Materials vary according to above, but all shaped like a heart within a flame.
The Thank-you Bit (The Sequel)
Given that Who Let the Gods Out? took longer to gestate than an overdue elephant calf, it f
eels very soon to be sucking up . . . saying thank you . . . for its sequel. I owe both to my incredible publishers, the mighty Chicken House. There cannot be a more passionate, inspiring and wonderful group of people working in publishing and I thank the Gods daily that we are now birds of a feather. Barry, Rachel H, Elinor, Jazz, Laura M, Kes, Nina, Laura S, Sarah, Esther, Helen, Aleksei, Nick, Daphne – you are clucking marvellous and I love you to bits.
I must again give particular thanks to the saintly patience and God-given talents of my unparalleled editor, Rachel Leyshon. She is truly a Goddess and I’d be lost without her. I fear that my previous waxing strip analogy didn’t hit the mark, so allow me another go: Rachel, you are the unseen support that holds me together and makes me look better . . .
Super Ed: you are my tummy-holdy-in knickers. Better?
One of the singular joys of joining the coop has been befriending my Chicken chums, the brilliant authors who ride under the same banner. Maya, Kiran, James, Natasha, Lucy, Emma, Kate, Sarah, Chris, Ally, Dan, Cat, Louise – it’s been a joy watching you soar. Thank you for all your support, words of wisdom and cracking parties while I sat out my publication pregnancy. You are the best (and cheapest) therapy imaginable and I adore you all.
Gods was very fortunate to have a lot of early support from two major book babes and I’d like to thank Charlotte Eyre and Jo Clarke for singing from the rooftops about it. Your support has meant the world, and getting to know you both has been a privilege. You totally rock.
An apology to my beloved friends, who I have largely abandoned while I make stuff up all day. A huge bolt of love to Arf, Karen, Jennie, the NCT babes, the HT crew, my musical-theatre luvvies and all you other waifs and strays. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy. I’m even sorrier that I will be back soon.
I have so much love for my other Mum, Mollie Grennall, whose tireless love and support has seen me and my family safely through the huge changes this last year has brought. You are one of the best mortals on this planet, Mol, and we love you so very much. And Naughty Paul – you’re all right too.
My boundless love and thanks, as always, to my beautiful family, who I love more than custard creams. This book is dedicated to my youngest daughter, who has faced every labour life has thrown at her with courage, grace and the cutest smile you’ll find in any realm. You’re my hero, baby girl, and I’m so proud of you. Especially your burps – they are epic.