by NC Marshall
I smooth my hair down over my shoulders and dab away the last tears from under my eyes. I take in a breath, hold it, and mentally prepare myself as I slowly stand up from the wooden bench and turn around, ready to face him.
Chapter 9
I awake the following morning feeling like what I can only describe as a giant axe jammed into the side of my head. I rub at my forehead, trying to dull the throbbing. The clock tells me it’s past eleven and I can’t believe I have slept for so long. I vaguely recall a dream last night, but it’s just a passing thought and quickly vanishes.
There is a packet of painkillers and a small bottle of mineral water placed on the bedside table next to me, with a sticky note attached to the bottle:
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED THESE! CALL YOU LATER. LOVE YOU XXX.
Dan must have let me sleep rather than waking me before he went off to the airport. A brief feeling of embarrassment hits me as I remember my drunken state last night. The fact that he had been sober makes it even more cringe-worthy. For better, for worse, right? I dismiss the feeling as I pick up the blister pack, impressed as always at Dan’s amazing ability to be so proactive. I quickly throw back the tablets in one and hope their effect will hit immediately.
I manage to stumble my way out of bed and practically crawl to the bathroom. I’m wearing just my underwear. I can smell the remains of the strong floral perfume I wore last night lingering on my skin. I can’t even remember getting home last night, never mind taking off my clothes and getting into bed. I look around the room to see where my clothes are, and notice them neatly folded on a chair. Dan must have done that, I very much doubt I was capable. I spot my reflection in the mirrored bathroom cabinet as I turn on the shower. My overall state just confirms why I am feeling so rough; my black eye makeup from last night is half way down my face and my eyes are bloodshot. My hair is greasy and knotted. I am still wearing one of my long silver earrings; I must have managed to lose the other in the taxi on the journey home. I climb into the shower, feeling very fragile, and let the hot water wash over me.
I eventually clamber out of the shower, and I feel like throwing up, so decide to try and sober myself up with some breakfast. This is the reason I don’t go out anymore. I toss on a pair of jogging bottoms and one of Dan’s hooded sweat tops before heading downstairs to make myself some food.
Two cups of coffee and a full English breakfast later, I feel more human. I am still dehydrated to high heaven, but the nausea and the migraine have all but vanished. I call Kate to see how Josh had been for her last night. As always, she loved having him and he has been a little angel. She tells me she’s in town with him at the minute and she will take him for some lunch before she brings him back. I thank her and tell her she is my saviour, I will be forever in her debt.
I busy myself around the house and get a few jobs done before the doorbell rings. Kate stands in the doorway, wrapped in a thick red coat and white scarf. Her long dark hair is curled and thrown back into a grip. She has fair skin, but her cheeks are rosy from the icy cold wind outside. She’s grasping a large box of chocolates that she holds out in front of me as I urge her to come inside out of the cold. Josh runs in after her. He’s dressed in a full Superman outfit and proceeds to ‘fly’ in circuits around the kitchen.
“I thought the hangover might benefit from these,” Kate says, as she hands me the box of chocolates.
“What are you, psychic?” I ask, taking the large box from her and turning my attention to my son. “Have you been buying for Josh again, too?” I add, raising my eyebrows suspiciously at her. I know she has; he doesn’t own a superman outfit, so I certainly didn’t pack one for him to take to Kate’s. She takes off her coat and scarf, then neatly folds and places them on the kitchen table and shrugs at me.
“Well, if his Auntie Kate can’t spoil him, then who can?”
“Thank you Kate, I appreciate it,” I say. I rub her arm, before reaching down to hug Josh. She truly is the best friend I could wish for.
*
It’s beginning to get dark outside. Kate’s still here. We have spent the remainder of the afternoon lazing around, stuffing ourselves with Belgian chocolates and having a well overdue catch up. Kate kindly baths Josh and puts him to bed after reading him a story, while I iron his school uniform and prepare my own stuff, getting ready for my first days training at work tomorrow. I sort out my handbag so I know that I have everything I need, then pick out some clothes, laying them out in the spare bedroom, ready for the morning.
Once Josh is asleep and I have finished getting organised, we order a pizza and watch recorded soaps. Soon, Kate announces that she’d better be making a move. She has to go to work herself tomorrow and has an early start, too. I thank her again, see her to the door and wave as she reverses her car off the drive and disappears into the evening. She really is one in a million.
I lock the front door and rush upstairs to check on Josh. He is sleeping deeply, with his blanket pulled over him securely. He clutches onto a Superman toy, I assume that the poor dinosaur has now been relegated in place of a better option. I stroke his fair hair lightly, kissing him on the cheek before I switch off his night light and leave the room.
I head back downstairs, as I approach the bottom steps the phone starts to ring. I jump, startled, briefly wondering why I am suddenly a little on edge. I quickly snatch the phone from its cradle in fear of waking Josh. It’s Dan, calling to see how I am. I wonder why he hasn’t called my mobile as he always does, but on retrieving it from my pocket notice that I accidentally switched it to silent mode.
He tells me he has arrived safely in London and is now settled in his hotel overlooking Oxford Street. He continues the conversation, telling me more about his work, and says that he is all prepared for the week ahead. He had endured a heavy day by the sounds of things, but is now sitting in the hotel bar having a few drinks before catching an early night ready for his meetings tomorrow.
We have talked for a while. Dan wishes me luck for tomorrow's training, before we say goodbye and I hang up. Although I’m now used to him working away, I still miss him when he’s not around. We spend more time apart than we do together, and have done so for the past couple of years. The firm is expanding, and Dan is a vital cog in its operation. I know that once the expansion is complete, I will have him at home more often. I just need to be patient.
As I put the phone back into its cradle, the lamp next to it makes a quiet pop, and the hallway is plunged into darkness.
“Shit,” I whisper to myself, rushing through the kitchen to find a replacement light bulb for the one that has just blown. I rummage through numerous kitchen drawers before I find one that will fit. Returning to the lamp, I screw in the new bulb. There is a brief moment before the light returns, in that moment, something in front of me catches my eye. I see my reflection in the mirror hanging above the table where I stand. In the darkness, my eyes are shadowed, and my face is illuminated by the moon’s sudden intense bright light shining through the glass blocks of the front door.
I stare hard, studying my eerie looking appearance, but as I move closer to the mirror, I notice that it’s not my reflection staring back at me at all. My hair is too long and too light, my cheekbones are more prominent, my whole face looks thinner and younger. My eyes remain unchanged. I’m looking at my sister.
I stare at the reflection for a few seconds before it registers. Once it does, I stagger back, unable to look at the image staring back at me any longer. Goose pimples rise on my arms, and an icy chill runs the full length of my spine as I acknowledge that I’m frightened. My ankles hit the edge of the wooden staircase. I crash down onto it, trying to duck down low enough so I can't see directly in the large mirror anymore. I stare at the floor for a few moments before I pull myself together. Eventually, I drag myself up and sit on the bottom step, trying to steady myself, still not daring to look back in the direction of the mirror in case she is still there.
The light is back on, the room once again bathed
in a warm light. I stand from the step, slowly moving back to face the mirror, and summon the courage to look. It's just me staring back now. Jess has gone, but the ghostly image of the reflection has triggered something buried deep in my mind. The dream from last night floods back to me in abundance, and I remember every last detail.
Jess had called Matt and needed to speak to him, she wanted to talk, and was upset about something, I don’t know what, I can’t figure it out. I remember the figure up on the cliff top standing behind her. Matt had been there. He had gone there to meet her, as she had asked him to. The reality hits me with a horrible jolt as I consider the possibility that the night my sister died, she hadn’t been alone at all. Her husband had been there with her.
Chapter 10
The feelings of anger and confusion inside me are agonising. I replay the memories of the dream over and over in my head as I drive to the city the following morning, each replay exactly the same as the last. Were these just meaningless dreams concocted from my own subconscious? If they were, why did they feel so real and why are they affecting me in this way? It now seems even more tangible than it did in the flashbacks from last night.
I remember Jess’s vision in the mirror willing me to remember. I can still see her as clear as day. It was her, she was there with me. I try to talk myself out of believing what I saw is what actually happened, but then the image floods back and I find it increasingly impossible to ignore.
I feel betrayed and upset by Matt. If this dream was showing me the actual images of that night, then why did he lie and say he had not seen Jess on the night she died, when apparently he had gone up to the cliffs to meet her? My head is spinning, and I could do with not starting training at work today. I know that I’m not going to be able to focus and give it the full attention that I should. I have to talk to Matt. I have so many questions that I want answered, if for nothing more than to return my own sanity. I know that for now this will have to wait. This job is too important, I need to get off to the best possible start that I can.
I approach the familiar glass doors to Wallis and Spoors, straightening my pencil skirt and smoothing my hair over the fur collar of my coat before I enter, using the doors as a makeshift mirror. My eyes have dark circles under them, which a dense layer of the most expensive concealer I own has unsuccessfully managed to camouflage. I am not surprised by my appearance, I know I didn’t sleep a wink last night, my thoughts wouldn’t let me. I had tossed and turned until my alarm went off this morning. I need to get a grip and focus on putting this whole thing to the back of my mind for now, although I have a feeling that this task will be easier said than done.
I walk across the large lobby. Strangely, I am not very nervous about starting work today. I figure this must be because my mind is currently attending to other matters of much higher importance. I head to the floor on which Mr Wallis’s office is based and calmly prepare myself, ready to face the next few hours, and hopefully will get through them in one piece.
*
Four hours later, I sign out and leave the office behind. The first day hadn’t been too bad and had passed a lot more quickly than I had anticipated. Richard was in meetings all morning. For this reason, I had seen very little of him. So, it had just been me and Sophie; Sophie is Richard’s other assistant, and the girl I had met in my interview, as I had suspected.
She’s a sweet and friendly girl who appears incredibly bright and very competent at her job. I now see that I was too quick to judge her on her looks, rudely assuming that she would be a bit materialistic and superficial, when in fact she is anything but. Sophie looks up to Richard. It’s clear from the way in which she speaks about him that she holds him in very high regard. By the sounds of things, the company is currently performing incredibly well. Because of this, Richard’s current workload has multiplied, meaning that Sophie is happy for the help I will provide her. The morning had been more of an induction to the company, putting faces to names and getting to know a little about my colleagues. It appears to be a good place to work. Everyone had been very friendly and welcoming, but I was glad that it hadn’t been too full on. I don’t think I could have coped today. At least I now know that I have a couple of days before I have to return. Hopefully, by then this dream business will be firmly cleared up and then I can continue on in normality and get on with my life. At the back of my mind, though, I have a feeling that this won’t be the case.
I climb into the car and pull away from the busy car park, but instead of heading towards home, I swing back in the opposite direction towards the outskirts of the city centre. I know Matt doesn’t start his new job until next week, so I hope that he is home. We need to have a discussion that simply can’t be postponed.
*
Fifteen minutes later, I pull into the large car park of Matt’s apartment block. It’s lunch time now, and I hope that he hasn’t gone out. I park the car and get out, looking up towards the window that I know is his apartment. There isn’t any movement. I may have to come back later. I walk over to the entrance and press the button, calling through to his number, then lean back heavily against the wall and tell myself that I'm stupid. Hasn’t the poor guy been through enough? Does he really need his dead wife’s crazy sister worsening the situation?
I briefly contemplate walking back to the car and shift my weight off the wall behind me. I start to move away from the door, back in the direction of my parked car, but as I do, I hear Matt’s voice crackle through the intercom and I know that I have to go through with this. It’s too late, you can’t back out now, Nat.
“Hello,” says Matt, in a pleasant voice, waiting to hear who his visitor is.
I can’t get out of it now. He will look out of the window and see me. I jog back to the intercom, moving my face into the camera’s shot so that Matt can see me.
“Hi Matt,” I say, stamping a foot to the ground, angry with myself and already regretting this.
“Natalie. Hi, this is a surprise! Come on up.” He sounds genuinely shocked that I’m here. I push the door as he buzzes me in and I head to the lift, to get to the top floor where his apartment is situated.
Matt greets me affectionately as I walk to the front door of my sister’s old home. He invites me in, politely taking my coat and asking if I would like anything to drink as I follow him through to the open plan living area. I fake a smile, nodding.
“A cup of tea would be good,” I reply quietly, not able to raise my head to look him fully in the eyes.
He’s dressed in black jogging bottoms and a white T-shirt. I steal a quick glance at his face. It reveals a thick layer of sweat lining his forehead, which makes me assume he’s just returned from his daily jog.
I head over to the sofa, perching myself timidly on the edge of it. Matt hurries off to get me a drink as I glance around. I am quite shocked to see that the place looks exactly as I remember. Nothing has been changed since the last time I was here before Jess died. The small apartment is still very tidy, considering Matt is living here without a woman to keep a handle on things.
Not that Jess was the neatest of girls, the apartment was always a little cluttered; she hardly ever put anything back into the place that it had originally belonged. “Life is too short to be always tidying up, Nat,” she would say whenever she had visited my house and observed my almost fanatical need to be clutter free as I tidied around her. Sadly, in her case, she hadn't been wrong.
The apartment is very contemporary looking in both style and decor. Although it is quite small, it has an excellent location, in close proximity to the city centre. It’s still decorated as it had been since Jess and Matt had moved in three years ago, with stark white walls, black and red furnishings, and a pure white sofa. There is still a photo of them from their wedding day sitting on the modern electric fireplace’s surround. Another of Josh and Liam—Ryan and Lola’s son—rests on the window sill. Matt’s acoustic guitar is propped on a stand in the corner. He used to be quite good, if I remember correctly. I briefly wonder i
f he has kept on partaking in his passion for writing his own songs.
I feel as though Jess should be bursting through the door at any moment. The feeling makes me uncomfortable and a little jittery. It’s almost as though I can feel her presence around me. I’m sure I can still smell her perfume lingering on the sofa scatter cushions. The almost overpowering, sweet and fruity fragrance is impressed so thickly in my mind.
Although I’d been here many times in the past, the last time I had visited had not been long before Jess’s death. It brings back memories I would rather forget.
Jess had called me, and was in a bad state. Even though it was only late afternoon, I could tell she had been drinking and was well on her way to being drunk. She sounded depressed and said it was because she had a crappy day. She was crying softly, and I couldn’t calm her over the phone. Although this was getting to be a regular thing of late, I always seemed to jump at her command. I couldn’t be angry, I knew she was going through a tough time at the moment and needed all the support she could get. Matt had still been at work, so I knew she was alone and I didn’t like the idea of her being so upset with no one there to comfort her.
I decided to go and see her, to ensure she was okay. I knew I wouldn’t settle until I had. I remember Dan had been annoyed with me about going to see her that afternoon. He felt like she was taking advantage of me and thought that I was too soft when it came to Jess. In reality, Dan wasn’t Jess’s biggest fan, especially not at the moment. The two of them used to get on pretty well. I’m sure Jess even had a little secret crush on him when she was a teenager, back when Dan and I had first started seeing each other.