by NC Marshall
I blink back at him, not knowing what to say, but feeling grateful that the blood was only from a nasty cut. Dan bows his head and looks at me again. The intensity in his face grows stronger. I brace myself for what he is going to tell me.
“The baby’s going to be fine, Nat,” he says quietly, so quiet I have to prop my ear up from the pillow to hear him correctly.
I nod, tears gathering in my eyes from sheer relief. “When did you find out?” I ask, wondering what sort of tests the doctors have already performed on me.
“You came around for a few seconds in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. You told the paramedics to make sure the baby was okay, and then you blacked out again.”
“Oh,” I mumble, looking down and fixing my gaze on a spot on the white sheet covering my legs, “I can’t remember anything about that at all.”
“How long have you known?” asks Dan.
“I only found out yesterday. I was going to tell you, but I wanted to wait until I had seen the doctor. I’m seeing him on Monday, first thing.”
Dan stares at me, his expression now vacant. I’m not sure what his reaction is going to be, and silently prepare myself for the worst. This isn’t how I had imagined telling him. Christ, I must have put him through hell. He remains silent for a couple of seconds, but then a huge grin erupts on his face and I know that he is happy with the news.
I am so relieved. I sit up slowly, burying my head into Dan’s chest as he hugs me and softly strokes my head, and I thank God that I have been so lucky.
*
It’s now almost a week later. I’m feeling much better, although I’m still grateful I have a few weeks left before I have to return to work. I don’t think I’m fully recovered from the fall just yet. My ankle is still a little sore and tender to touch, but the swelling has gone down and it’s healing quickly. I still feel like I’m aching from head to toe and just to cap things, I have the worst morning sickness ever.
I’m now at Kate’s house, who’s invited me around for some lunch and a well-needed catch up. I haven’t seen her for a while, but she’s on holiday from work this week and I’m grateful for the company. I’ve been stuck at home for a week recovering and trying to take it easy, but I’ve been bored out of my mind. I’m not used to lounging around all day doing nothing, and I’m glad for the change of scenery, at last.
Kate enters the living room and closes the door behind her with her foot. She’s holding a huge ham and cheese filled Panini, which she brings over to me. She sees my reaction to the size of the sandwich and moves it closer to my face, waving it under my nose to entice me.
“You need to keep your strength up—doctor’s orders, and you are eating for two now, remember.” She reaches forward and pats at my stomach.
She’s right. I do need to look after myself. Dan took me to the doctor last week who confirmed that I’m approximately six weeks pregnant. Only Dan and Kate knows. We’ve decided to wait until the three-month scan to tell everyone else, including my family, just to be on the safe side. Kate guessed as soon as she saw me today, once again reading me like an open book. It’s frustrating, sometimes.
I eat my lunch quickly. I wasn’t aware of how hungry I was until I started to eat. Kate takes away my empty plate once I’ve finished, and I peer out of the window. The houses along the street all look similar, Christmas trees and colourful lights are starting to appear in their windows, and wreaths decorate their front doors.
I’ve had a lot of time to sit and stare out of windows this past week. Every time I do, I think of Jess. This man, Adam, is playing on my mind. Who is he? Why had Jess not mentioned anything about him before? How had she met him? Had she worked with him before she left the magazine? Did he live here? How long had she been seeing him? These are all questions I would have asked Jess, but for some reason Jess had kept this man a secret from everyone. Why?
Kate enters the room again, and this time she is carrying a huge chocolate cake, decorated with silver and gold balls and a multi-coloured candy. I laugh out loud at her.
“Do you think I’m four years old, or something?” I ask. “I think you are just trying to make me fat, or fatter, I should say.”
“Yes, of course I am. Shut up you silly tart, you know you’re gorgeous. Now eat up,” Kate replies bossily, handing me an enormous piece of cake while smirking. She sits down on the sofa opposite me and helps herself to some cake, then crosses her legs beneath her and starts to eat. “You okay, Nat?” she asks, sincerity in her voice. “It’s just that you seem a bit distracted today.”
“Not really,” I reply quickly, grateful for the chance to talk to someone. I need to get what Steph told me out of my system. It’s weighing me down, carrying the burden of her words on my shoulders. I haven’t mentioned a word to anyone, not even Dan. I don’t want to portray my sister as some kind of cheat, especially when I don’t know all the facts.
I tell Kate what Steph said outside the chemist’s, using the exact words that Steph used. I want Kate’s honest opinion, so I can't sugar-coat it in the way I’d like to.
Kate finishes her cake and puts her empty plate onto the floor. I manage half of mine then push it to one side, feeling a drastic and sudden loss of my appetite.
“So you think Steph is right?” asks Kate. “That Jess was seeing someone behind Matt’s back?”
I nod, feeling awkward. “Yeah, I do. As much as I don’t want to believe it, I think she’s right. I worked with Steph for nearly six years, and during that time I have never seen her misjudge a situation. Not ever. And she assumed they were together so they must have looked like they were a couple.”
“But Jess never mentioned anything about him to you?”
“No,” I reply. “She always told me everything. I knew all there was to know about her, or at least I thought I did.”
“She never mentioned anyone she worked with, or was friends with, maybe?”
“Nope.”
Kate hesitates. “Have you thought about whether she was in contact with this guy? Social network sites? Maybe e-mail?”
“No, but I couldn’t get into her computer accounts. Anyway, everything’s password protected and I’m certainly no whiz on a computer.”
Kate jumps to her feet and picks up her mobile from the arm of my seat.
“You might not be, and I’m not either, but I know someone who is,” she says, as she starts dialling a number and waits for a response.
I’m not sure at first where she is going with this, but I quickly understand when the person on the other end of her call picks up, and she speaks.
“Hi Mitch, it’s Kate, how are you? Good, look, I’m calling because I need a big favour from you...”
Chapter 17
Jess
I stare out at the city below in awe. The tall buildings lining the landscape are starting to light up as the sun sinks lower. The view from Kings Park at sunset is one I’m sure I’ll never tire of, no matter how long I stay in Perth. The vantage point up here offers panoramic views of the surrounding area and the city’s closer buildings. Sailboats sit peacefully on the river below, which lazily weaves its way through the many suburbs. The boat sails are bright with vibrant colours. In the distance, cars zip along the freeway and over the Narrows Bridge. I can hear their engines as the traffic thickens. To the east, far off on the horizon, I see the blurred line of the Darling Ranges.
The orange light from the sun casts a warm glow over the already glorious view, as Lola sits down next to me on the grass. I glance up to see Lauren and Rebecca approach us. The two girls will be travelling with Lola tomorrow, and are joining us in a final night’s celebration. Lola hands me some white wine in a plastic beaker, poured from a mini bottle she’s pulled from her handbag. She raises it into the air in a toast.
“Here’s to my last night in Perth,” she says. I lift my cup to hers and hit it lightly.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving,” I mutter, not able to hold back how upset I am.
Lola
is heading up North to Queensland tomorrow. It’s the next place on our checklist of places we would go; the list I was supposed to be following with her.
“I’m sorry Lo,” I say, taking a sip of the wine from my cup. It tastes warm and sickly sweet. “I feel so guilty for staying here, and not coming with you.”
Lola pushes my arm playfully and I fall back, as a little of my wine falls over the rim of my cup and lands on the grass near my bare legs. Lauren and Rebecca catch up to us and sit down.
“Don’t be stupid,” she says, as the two girls greet us. “I’ve got all the girls with me, it’s not like I’m going alone.”
This was true. I was happy that Lola has made so many friends while she’s been here, I’ve been so attached to Adam lately we haven’t seen that much of each other.
“You don’t need to worry about her, Jess. Me and Rebecca will keep watch over her,” says Lauren, her broad Irish accent breaking through. I smile and rub her arm affectionately.
We had met Lauren and Rebecca during our last week in Sydney and they had travelled on to Perth with us. The girls are the same age as Lola and I. They are from Dublin, and we have become good friends during our time here. We worked together picking fruit for three months when we first arrived in Western Australia, which is a government requirement, and will enable us to extend our visas a further twelve months once our first year is up.
“So where’s your first stop tomorrow?” I ask. I know what our plans had been, but I think they have changed now that Lola is travelling with the others.
Lola crosses her long legs in front of her and leans back to put her weight on her elbows.
“We’re flying into Cairns, going to spend a few weeks there before we move on.” I nod and smile at her. A slight stab of envy hits me as I think back to us planning our own visit up North, to Cairns. We had so much planned for that part of Australia. Snorkeling in the tropical waters of the great barrier reef, taking a trip to the Daintree Rainforest, visiting the small mountaintop village of Kuranda and then travelling along the coast to stunning Port Douglas. I’m happy that Lola is still going on to do these things, even though I’m not.
“I’m going to miss you all,” I say. “Do you think you’ll make it back to Perth?”
Lola shrugs her shoulders. “Nope,” she replies. “The guys are talking about Melbourne next.”
“My cousin lives in Melbourne,” adds Rebecca. “So we are going to head there to stay with her for a while.” She holds up her hands. “Such a big country, so little time.”
I nod, understanding her thoroughly. The time here is passing so quickly, it will soon be time to go home, something I can’t yet bring myself to think about.
“Are you ready to make a move? The other guys are meeting us for a few drinks in Northbridge, they all want to see you before we leave,” says Lauren.
I stand up, smoothing down my dress over my knees, then release my hair from its grip at the back of my neck. It falls over my shoulders, and I ruffle it. Lola pulls her lipstick from her bag and applies a fresh layer of red gloss to her lips, as Lauren and Rebecca lead the way.
“Okay,” I say brightly, trying to lift my low mood, “Let’s go.”
I take one final glance back over my shoulder to the city before we head away from its mesmerizing view. As I think of Adam, I smile, knowing that this is exactly where I want to be.
Chapter 18
It doesn’t take long for Mitch to arrive. Kate opens the front door to her ex-husband and welcomes him fondly. Through the gap in the door, I watch the sweet embrace between them and am once again amazed by the fact that their marriage didn’t work out.
“Hi Nat,” Mitch says as he enters the kitchen. He glances around quickly. A sad look passes his face and I instantly feel guilty for bringing him back to his old home. It probably holds a lot of memories for him. The divorce is still new, and seemingly, still very raw.
I’m sitting at the kitchen table. I smile back at him as he approaches. Kate’s laptop is already open and powered up in front of me, ready to go. I feel a bit sickened by the fact that I may soon be reading messages from my sister’s past—messages I have no right to see. I feel that even though she’s no longer here, I’m invading her privacy to an extreme extent. But it’s something I have to do. Kate has put the idea in my head now. I have to make sense of this somehow, even if it is just to put my mind at ease.
Mitch takes a seat next to me and slides the laptop across the table, turning it towards himself. He angles the screen and adjusts the brightness, making it easier for him to see.
“How do you know how to do this sort of thing?” I ask curiously. I knew that Mitch was good with computers, he works with them and has done for a long time, but the fact he could hack into personal e-mail accounts was news to me.
Mitch looks at me, grinning, and touches his nose to insinuate that I'm nosey.
“Let’s just say working in IT for fifteen years teaches you some tricks. Besides, it’s pretty easy when you know how,” he says, tapping on the computer keyboard to log onto the e-mail service that Jess used to use, at a ridiculously quick speed.
“Do you know her e-mail address?” he asks, not looking up from the screen.
I recite the details without hesitation; she had used the same personal address for everything, she’d had the same one since college. I used to send her pictures regularly and e-mails when she was in Australia. With the time difference and call costs it had been so much easier to stay in contact that way.
“Thanks for doing this for Nat, Mitch,” Kate interrupts, sliding onto the seat in between us. She flicks her long hair behind her shoulders, which catches Mitch’s attention. His gaze lingers on her face for a few moments before he turns his attention back to the task at hand.
“It’s just that Jess had loads of photos saved on there that Nat would love copies of. She knew her password once because Jess gave it to her, but she’s forgotten it... it’s been so long.”
The lie sounds convincing enough to me, but I doubt that Mitch believes it. He’d been married to Kate too long and knows her far too well to be unable to call her bluff. Nevertheless, he seems to accept what she tells him as the truth, and carries on tapping on the keyboard.
“I’m taking it you’ve tried the commonly used passwords she could have used. Names, dates, favourite places...?” he asks.
I nod quickly. “Yeah, I’ve tried all of them. I’m not sure if she might have changed it just before she died.”
In reality, I hadn’t even bothered attempting to guess any passwords before Mitch had arrived. Jess always used passwords no one would ever be capable of guessing. She’d had a real phobia about people hacking into her accounts, so made sure she changed her passwords regularly. She never used anything that would ever be related to her, or easy to guess. Looking back now though, maybe she had more of a reason than deterring cyber criminals. Maybe she didn’t want anyone to access her accounts. She would hate me for this.
A few moments later, Mitch turns the screen back to me. My eyes widen and my pulse quickens. My hands suddenly feel clammy against the wooden table, and I realise I’m nervous. I pull my hands away from the table and leave imprints from my sweaty palms. Jess’s e-mail account sits open in front of me, still in complete working order, as if she’s never even left.
“Well, I’ll leave you to it, ladies. If anyone asks, I wasn’t here,” says Mitch, as he stands from his seat, turns on one foot and heads towards the hallway, Kate following behind him. I thank him as he passes me, fully understanding the trouble this could get him into if his employers ever found out he was using his skills outside of the office walls. I really am grateful.
I hear Kate saying goodbye and thanking him again too, as the front door opens and then quickly clicks closed. Kate rushes back into the kitchen parking herself next to me, and we start to read through communication from my sister’s final months.
*
I’ve been on the laptop for almost half an hour no
w, and I’m still no closer to finding out anything about Jess’s mystery man. I had decided to look through Jess’s sent items box first, but it’s been wiped clean and sits empty. Any e-mails that she sent before she passed away have all gone, a lot might have been wiped clean due to the time that has passed. Her trash folder is also empty. I find a couple of e-mails in her saved drafts, along with a few that have been flagged, but these are from when she was still working for the magazine. They are ideas that she had sent to her office address for forthcoming columns, and messages sent back from Greg.
Surprisingly, her inbox doesn’t have a lot of unread mail. I’d assumed that because the account hasn’t been deactivated and obviously hasn’t been accessed for a while, that she would have a backlog of junk mail. But then I remember how Jess was, and appreciate that she probably rarely gave her personal e-mail address to anyone, other than those necessary.
I scroll through the unread messages highlighted in a bold font. There are a few from high street stores, which she must have used in the past to shop online, some from her bank and old credit card company telling her about the offers she could claim, then some more offering her promotional money off coupons. No general e-mails, no love letters or secret meeting arrangements, nothing.
The last place I check is her history. I have scrolled right through to the earliest date, but again, nothing is striking me as unusual or out of the ordinary. I smile faintly as I see some messages sent by me only a few weeks before she died. There are a few jokes sent from Lola, along with a couple of notes from Mum. I click open a message from Ryan which has pictures attached. I open them to find photos of Josh and Liam. They look so young, it’s amazing how quickly the boys have grown in the year since the pictures had been taken. I close them and navigate through the remainder of messages, but I’m fast losing hope. There’s nothing else.