by NC Marshall
Dan steps back away from me and slams heavily into the car as he leans against the bonnet, looking into the distance. His reply is not what I expected to hear.
“So when did all this start? How long have you and this Adam guy been meeting up?” he asks.
I pause, trying to register what he has just said, recalling the words that I had just used. Confusion quickly sets in. “Dan, I didn’t tell you he was called Adam. I’ve not mentioned his name yet.” I step closer, and narrow my eyes at my husband who now can’t bring himself to look at me. “How do you know his name, Dan?”
He caves sooner than I’d anticipated. “I never met Adam,” he admits.
“So then how...?”
“I knew Jess was married.” Dan bows his head and swallows hard, I can see his throat constrict, his Adam’s apple bobbing slowly under its control. Even on this dimly lit road I can see how uncomfortable he looks. I use his state to my benefit.
“Excuse me?” I say. “How could you have known that she was married? No one knew, including me.”
“It was a number of years ago. Jess came to me for help with the divorce, that’s how I know his name is Adam. I remember seeing it on the divorce paperwork.” Dan sighs. “She didn’t know where else to go. She needed advice. She hadn’t been married to Adam very long, and it was difficult with him living in another country. She asked me not to say anything. Until now, I haven’t.”
“You were my sister’s divorce lawyer!” I declare. My voice is calmer than it probably should be considering how much I dislike my husband at this moment in time.
“She was broke, Nat. She had nowhere else to go.”
“You don’t even deal with marital law, Dan.”
“I don’t, but John does.”
“Oh, good old John!” I mutter petulantly.
“Don’t be like that, Nat.”
“Like what, Dan? She could have come to me, to Mum or Ryan, why come to you?”
“She didn’t want to be a burden. She wanted to forget her past, move on. She was embarrassed, I suppose.”
“You never thought to tell me this information? Even after she died?”
Dan leans back against the bonnet of my car and bends down to rest his elbows on his knees, burying his head in his arms, before sitting back up and looking at me. “Yes, I kept her secret. She was disgusted with herself, Nat. She knew the marriage had been a mistake, and she just wanted it sorted as easily and quickly as she could.”
“So she came to you,” I announce, holding my hands up in the air, feeling a little annoyed that Jess had put Dan in that sort of situation.
Dan nods. “I wanted to tell you, but once Jess died, I didn’t see what good would come from anyone knowing. It was in the past. Everyone had moved on.”
“Yeah,” I nod angrily. “Does it really look like everyone has moved on?” I ask, my voice rising. “You have lied to me all these years, Dan. How can I trust you now? We are married for Christ’s sake, we are supposed to tell each other everything.”
Dan laughs mockingly. “That's a bit hypocritical coming from you tonight, isn’t it?”
“That's different, Dan, she was my sister.”
In that split second, my husband’s sudden disapproval of Jess when she returned home from Australia is so blatantly obvious that it hurts me to even breathe. The reason he always protested when she rang me and wanted to talk, why they had become so distant. It wasn’t because he thought she was taking advantage of me, or even because he didn’t like the sort of person she was. It’s because he was scared she would tell me he’d kept this from me.
Dan starts to talk again, but I put my hand up to his face. I don’t want to hear any more. I’m so annoyed that he has lied to me, kept such a big part of my sister’s life a secret to himself for all these years. My mind races, and I know I’m not thinking clearly as I toss my car keys to him roughly and walk over to Dan’s car. The massive bunch of keys land with a clatter on the roadside, narrowly missing his feet.
“What are you doing, Nat?” Dan asks.
“I’m taking our son home.”
“So where am I going?”
“I don’t give a damn where you go Dan, as long as it’s nowhere near me.”
He starts to say something, asking me to calm down and starts to explain his actions, but I don’t give him a chance. I quickly get into the car, slam the door and restart the ignition. My hands tremble on the steering wheel as I speed away, only glancing back in the rear view mirror once to see Dan standing in the middle of the road, watching me leave.
*
By the time I arrive home, I’m crying so much I can barely function. I pull onto the driveway, safe in the knowledge that I don’t have to face any more revelations or hidden dirty secrets; at least not for today, anyway.
I carry a still-sleeping Josh from the car and struggle to open the front door with him slumped heavily over my shoulder. Eventually, I manage to get the key in the lock and push open the door slightly. I use my foot to open it fully so I can get through without waking him.
I head straight for the stairs, closing the door with my other foot until it clicks shut behind me. Josh’s bedclothes are still pulled back from when Dan must have lifted him from the bed. I place him down gently, his head lying in the exact indent on the pillow that is already there. I switch off his night light and head into my bedroom to get changed, although I know I won’t go to bed yet. I’m too wired to even attempt sleep.
I peel off my trousers and blouse, throwing them into the laundry basket in the corner of the room, then change into a pair of pink spotted pyjama bottoms and matching vest top. It feels good to be out of the clothes that I've had on all day. A short-lived feeling of relief washes over me, but I’m far from relaxed.
I wipe at my eyes, still sore and swollen from crying during the drive home. The vision of Dan as he stood in the middle of the road watching me leave pulls at my heart strings, but the disappointment I feel pulls much harder. Not only had he lied to me about knowing Jess had been married, but he had actually believed that I was capable of having an affair; of carrying another man’s baby and allowing him to think it was his. Like Lola had. I pick up my phone and call Ryan’s number. I know he and Mum will be worried. He answers on the second ring.
“Nat, where the hell have you been? Dan’s been worried sick.”
“I know, I... went up to Milton Point and must have lost track of time.”
“As long as you’re okay,” he says. I smile at his absolute concern, tears welling in my eyes again.
“How’s Mum?”
“She’s good. She’s been waiting to hear from you before she goes to bed.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, trying to control my breathing so I don’t give away my upset state. I think of Liam and my lip starts to quiver. I can't tell him, not now, Lola has to have the chance first. Hopefully Adam is totally wrong, I know in my heart, though that he’s not.
“Okay, well, goodnight. Tell Mum to sleep tight, and I’ll see you both at the weekend.”
“Okay, Nat, you too, speak soon.”
I hang up on Ryan, fully aware that I’d cut the conversation short, and he will be aware that I have fobbed him off. A text message from Dan comes through to tell me he is staying in a local hotel, and that he’s truly sorry and he loves me. Sighing loudly, I walk into the kitchen, rotating my shoulders in an attempt to try to release some of the tension that has now crept into them. I need to calm down. This can’t be good for me or the baby.
The cooker hood light is on as I walk to the kitchen, the only light that illuminates the room. Remnants of a half-eaten Indian takeaway sit on the counter top. I move away from it, the overpowering spicy smell turns my stomach. I switch on the kettle. Hopefully, a chamomile tea might help me relax a little.
As I reach into the cupboard to find the tea, a faint smell of cigarette smoke hits me. It catches my throat, causing me to cough. Raising my head up, I peer through to the conservatory, where I can see a fai
nt outline of smoke rising into the air. I move closer, dropping the unopened pack of tea to the floor. There’s someone in my house.
“Hello,” I shout into the darkness as I near the conservatory entrance. My heart hammers loudly, echoing in my ears, as I try to make out the person I can see sitting alone in the darkness.
Chapter 36
“Lola,” I say, surprised. The smell of smoke from her cigarette still clings heavily to my nostrils. I’m not sure if it’s the smell or the fact that she has effectively broken into my house that makes me feel a little sick.
“What are you doing here?” I try to keep my voice steady, as though I know nothing more than I ever had. She must have taken Ryan’s set of keys, the ones he keeps for emergencies or to look after the house if we are away on holiday. I think of Ryan now, probably tucked up in bed at Mum’s house, totally unaware that his future wife has let herself into my house and is now sitting in my conservatory, smoking.
“Oh, hi Nat, I didn’t hear you come in.” She says the words as though I’m the visitor to her house and she’s been waiting for my arrival. She follows my gaze to her lit cigarette. “Oh shit, sorry, I forgot you guys don’t like smoking in the house.” She stands and starts to make her way towards me. She looks like Lola, sounds like Lola, but seems different, distant somehow.
I step back away from the kitchen bench as she approaches and reaches past me to turn on the tap at the sink. She quickly puts out the cigarette under its flow and throws the butt into the pedal bin beside her. I watch her, staying silent, as she turns back to me and leans on the bench behind her, propping herself up on her elbows and fixing her stare on my face. Her sleek black fringe shines with the light of the cooker hood, and her emerald green eyes sparkle.
“So, you’ve met Adam?” she asks matter of factly.
She’s obviously found out that I tracked him down somehow. I can't figure out how at first. Then I remember the strange feeling of being watched on Christmas Day when I first met Adam in the graveyard. I have no doubt in my mind that Lola was there that day. It hadn’t been my imagination at all. She was worried that Adam would tell me about their relationship.
“Yes, I've met Adam,” I reply, not bothering to lie, trying to make it sound as though it is no big deal. I don’t intend on concealing the truth in any way. I don’t see why I should.
“Did he tell you, about him and Jess?”
“Yes, he told me they were married.”
Lola eyes me suspiciously “What else did he tell you, Nat?” It is clear that she’s testing me to see how much I know, how much Adam knows. I play along.
“He told me that you were the only person who knew about it.”
“Yes, I admit I did know they were once married, but Jess asked me not to say anything.”
“Oh, so that’s why you didn’t say anything.”
“Yes, because I’m a good friend Nat. Jess knew she could trust me.”
I can’t keep up the charade anymore, and burst out laughing mockingly in her face. “He told me everything Lola,” I blurt out. “I found out tonight that you two slept together and... that he thinks Liam’s his, so quit playing the good girl act.”
Lola stands bolt upright. The bangles on her wrist clink loudly against the kitchen cupboard door as she pushes herself up straight. She looks shocked.
“How did he find out? Have you told anyone?” she whispers.
My heart rate accelerates. I can feel a hot nervous rash starting to creep across my shoulders, then up my neck. So it’s really true. Ryan isn’t Liam’s father. “He saw a picture of Josh and Liam on my phone, he put two and two together and no, I haven’t told anyone.”
Lola lowers her head, nodding towards the floor. She shrugs her shoulders. “Hardly surprising. Liam is the double of Adam, always has been.”
“Why didn’t you tell Ryan?”
“I only found out a couple of weeks before Ryan and I started dating. I fell in love with him from the first moment I met him, Nat and I knew that if I told him I was carrying another man’s child he would run for the hills. I couldn’t lose him.”
“So you lied to him, you lied to Jess, you lied to all of us?” I can feel anger bubbling inside me, and have to consciously remind myself to calm down. I’ve had enough stress for one day.
Lola lowers her head, “I couldn't lose him,” she repeats, “I can't lose him.”
“Look, Lola I've had one hell of a night. All I want to do is go to bed. Can we talk about this in the morning?” I ask, faking a yawn. To be honest, I just want her out of my house. I can't take anymore lies, I’ve had more than my fair share for one night.
“How do I know you won’t call Ryan the second I’m out of the door?” she asks.
“Well Lola, that’s just where you are going to have to trust me. In any case, if Ryan does find this out, I think it should come from you. You’re engaged to be married, after all. I think he deserves the truth.”
I turn my back to her, and head to the front door, looking back to see if she is following me; she is. But what I don’t see is Lola picking up the solid granite chopping board from the kitchen bench as she passes and lowering it from my view until we reach the hallway. I’m almost at the front door before I see she has it.
Everything happens so fast in the next few moments that I barely have time to register it at all, never mind to try and defend myself. She lifts the heavy board high above her head and brings it down, hitting my own. I let out a startled gasp as the sharp edge makes contact with the side of my skull. I hit the floor hard, landing in a helpless heap, and everything slips away into the shadows.
Chapter 37
As I open my eyes, I’m greeted by warm sunlight hitting the side of my cheek. I put a hand to my head, waiting for the pain to hit, but it doesn’t come. I lift myself off the floor, trying to pinpoint my location, It doesn’t take long for me to know that I’m in my old bedroom at the lake house. I reach for the bed and pull my body up from the floor, using its frame to steady myself, then put up a hand to guard my eyes against the now blinding orange glow coming from the window. That’s when I see her.
Jess is standing at the window with her back to me. She is dressed in a long white dress that glides over her narrow hips, stopping at her bare feet. Her long hair is loose and tousled, her bare back is tanned, and her skin has a strong shimmer to it that I’ve never noticed before.
“Hello you,” she says, her voice so familiar after all this time. Tears fill my eyes and start to roll uncontrollably down my cheeks. It’s so good to hear her voice, it’s just as I remember. I remain silent, wanting to hear nothing more than my sister’s words filling the room until it’s ready to burst.
She smiles at my reaction. Her lips shimmer, showing the small freckle on the tip of her lip, but she doesn’t move from the spot where she stands.
“We have to be quick,” she continues, “I don’t have a lot of time.” She looks out of the window at the lake, gazing into its immaculate sunset as if she is expecting someone to arrive at any moment.
“What is it, Jess?” I ask, understanding that she needs to tell me something. I can feel the urgency coming from her as if it was my own. She moves towards me slowly and puts her hand to my face, pressing her fingertips lightly to my cheek. Her touch is unexpectedly warm. I tilt my head towards it. Her body is surrounded by the sunlight that seems to be getting brighter, creating a halo-like glow around her. My tears run faster as I nod at her slowly, now understanding. I close my eyes, allowing her to show me what she needs me to know.
Images of her final night flash through my mind, and I see her last moments before she fell from the cliff top through her own eyes. The images flash through my brain all at once, so quickly that it’s difficult to take them all in, and I hear every word that is spoken. When the flashbacks conclude, I finally understand the truth of what happened the night Jess died. I now know what she has been trying to show me all this time. I open my eyes and nod at her. She smiles back at me, then sl
owly moves her hand to my ear and brushes my hair away from it. She moves close and lowers her voice to a sweet whisper.
“Wakey, Wakey sleepy head.”
Chapter 38
I regain consciousness, and try desperately to focus my eyes in the dim light of the hallway. My eyesight is so blurred that I have double vision. My head aches terribly, and my bad ankle has taken yet another injury. I can feel the pain from it pulsating up my leg, all the way to the top of my thigh. I loop my hand through the banister above me and use every ounce of strength that I possess to haul myself into a standing position. I resist the urge to vomit from the sheer pain, as I glance around. Has Lola gone? Would she actually leave me for dead?
My own questions are answered as I hear her voice coming from the living room. She’s talking to someone on the phone. She’s talking to Adam.
“You’re having nothing to do with Liam, Adam,” she says. Her voice is full of hate; hostile and poisonous. She sounds like another person altogether. “So, I suggest you fuck off back to where you came from and let me get on with my life.”
She must have called Adam from my mobile. It’s not on the hallway table where I know I’d left it after I’d read the text message that Dan had sent me earlier.
The door to the living room is only open slightly. I can see the shadows of her moving. If she stays on the phone, maybe I can get upstairs to Josh and get outside to the car before she realises I’m awake. I know it’s a tall order, but I need to do something. I put my hand to my head and bring it back to my eyes, to see fresh blood glistening on my fingers. I’m going to have to get to a hospital and get myself checked out. I put a hand on my stomach once again, praying that my baby is safe.
I can still hear Lola talking as I reach the foot of the stairs. I try to put my weight onto one foot as I can hardly stand the pain shooting through the other. I must have landed badly on it when I fell. As quietly as I can, I start to pull myself up the stairs. I can still hear Lola’s voice, full of bitterness, as she tells Adam that he is worthless, and that Liam will only ever have one father. I try to block out her voice and concentrate on reaching the top of the stairs. I need to be quick because as soon as she comes off the phone, she will notice I’ve moved.