by Holly Renee
I waved my hand at him to stop his tirade. “Three.” I cupped my hands around my mouth as I mock whispered, “I’ve seen his penis and let me just tell you.” I wagged my eyebrows at him, and Staci fell over in the booth from laughing so hard.
“Okay.” Parker chuckled. “I think that’s enough.”
“Says the hot one.” Brandon pouted.
“Plus, he’s all brooding and caveman like, and although it pisses me off ninety percent of the time, it also makes me swoon.” I sighed dramatically then joined Staci in her infectious laughter, but Parker wasn’t laughing with us.
He was watching me, too close, and I knew that I wasn’t going to like what he had to say.
“I’m taking Livy to her room.” He scooted out of the booth then stuck his hand out to me.
“I’m not leaving. I’m having fun.” I winked at Staci as she continued to laugh.
“Livy, get your ass up before I carry you out of here.”
“Swoon,” Staci yelled out causing us both to erupt in another fit of giggles.
I bent over clutching my side from laughing so hard but then the entire room flipped on its head and my hip landed on Parker’s shoulder.
“Parker!” I screamed. “Put me down.”
He didn’t answer me. He just kept walking with me bouncing against his shoulder.
I heard the ding of the elevator before the doors closed around us and Parker set me on my feet. I pushed my hair off my face and straightened my shirt that had bunched around my ribs.
“What’s your problem? I was having fun.” I leaned my back against the wall of the elevator because I was feeling a little lightheaded.
“Too much fun.”
I waved him off. “No such thing. I was actually looking to have a little more fun tonight if you know what I mean.”
I winked at him and his green eyes were on fire. I actually had absolutely no interest in sleeping with someone, but for some reason on that very night, I had all the interest in the world to get under Parker’s skin.
“Don’t say shit like that to me.” His voice was so controlled, but it was easy to hear the anger that rested under the surface. It caused chill bumps to break out across my skin, and even though I knew I shouldn’t, it made me want to push him further.
“Why not, Parker. We’re friends, right?”
He just stared at me so I continued.
“It’s been far too long since I’ve been laid. At least, not properly. You can tell me about you and Emily if you want to. Is the sex hot between you all? It was definitely hot between us once upon a time.”
The doors opened in that moment, and I walked out with Parker on my tail. I stopped before getting to my room, and he ran into my back. I turned to face him, drunk on the alcohol and drunk on his proximity.
“Do you remember how you used whisper how desperate you were for me into my ear or is that something that you do with everyone?”
“It’s not with everyone.” He reached out for me, but I stepped out of his reach. He looked so vulnerable in that moment, but I wouldn’t let it get to me. I learned a long time ago that I had to protect my heart when it came to Parker James.
“I don’t believe you.” I could barely hear my own words over my heart beat.
This time he didn’t reach out for me. He slammed his body into mine, pressing my back against the wall, and his hands wrapped in my hair holding my face in place. “It was always you.” He searched my eyes. “Always.”
I shook my head trying to block out his words, but it was no use. They echoed through me making me doubt my decisions with every fading sound.
He growled in frustration.
“Listen to me.” I continued to shake my head, but this time he didn’t take no for an answer.
His hands tightened in my hair, and in the next moment, his lips pressed harshly against mine. I took a deep, shocked breath, and he took advantage of the moment, tasting my tongue with his.
My heart was pumping in my chest, my skin was covered in goosebumps, and I wasn’t quite sure how to feel. What I did know was that I never wanted it to stop. I never wanted to be without his hands on me again.
His teeth clashed against my lip, dragging my bottom lip through his teeth, and I chased that taste of pain with my tongue.
I ran my hands over his chest, lifting his shirt to expose his tattooed skin, and he let me, throwing it behind him, not caring who found us like this in the hallway.
We were rushed, begging to get a taste of each other if only for a moment, and I cried out as his teeth ran across my neck.
I placed a kiss on his chest and my eyes caught the tattoo over his heart. A simple tattoo. A black date and nothing else.
“What is this?” I ran my fingernail over the ink as he ran his lips over the spot he had just bit.
He pulled away from me looking down and watching my fingers trace over his skin.
“That’s the day you left.”
We stared into each other’s eyes, our breaths heavy along with our guilt.
“What now?” he asked the question that was screaming in my head. His face was so close to mine, and I could feel his breath against my lips. I brought my fingers to my mouth and tried to memorize the feel of his lips against mine.
I could still taste the adrenaline that pumped through my veins from the first day we kissed. I remembered how it felt to have his fingers dig into my skin as he pulled me closer to him, and I couldn’t forget the desperation that I had for him then because I felt that desperation tenfold in that moment.
But then I remembered what it was like to have him destroy me, and no matter how easy it was to remember that high, it was impossible to forget that low.
I could see the panic in his eyes. The panic over who to choose. The indecision over what he really wanted, and I knew that I couldn’t do this again. I could say that I was thinking about Emily, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t do this again because I feared he wouldn’t choose me.
“How does it feel?”
“How does what feel?” He was searching my eyes looking for something, and I prayed that whatever he was looking for he wouldn’t find there. I prayed that I was strong enough to hide it.
“How does it feel to know that you’re about to ruin someone else?”
I started to walk away from him, but he grabbed my hand, stopping me.
“Livy, don’t.”
“Don’t what, Parker? You’re about to get married. Go call your fiancée and don’t worry about me. I’m sure you remember that I’m very good at keeping our secrets.”
L I V Y
Four years earlier
To say I was struggling would be an understatement. I was failing. As in my classes, college life, my life, I was failing all of it.
My roommate was the spawn of Satan. I guess that might be a little harsh, but when you share a space that could barely be considered a broom closet with a girl who gets angry if you even touch one of her pencils, it gets a little rough.
She didn’t talk to me, and I didn’t talk to her. Actually, I didn’t really talk to anyone.
When I finally got to Georgia, faking my brave face in front of my brother became harder and harder. By the time he left me completely unpacked and organized in my tiny dorm, all I could do was lie in my twin size bed and cry.
I actually spent the first few days doing nothing other than that.
Chloe, my roommate, did ask me if I was dying on day three, but I was sure that was because she didn’t want a dead body in her room, not because she gave a shit.
After that, I got up and tried my hardest to concentrate on my classes, but every time I saw a couple laughing together or kissing, I had this irrational urge to go up to them and punch them both. It made me think about Parker and Madison.
Was he happy with her? Did he whisper into her ear while he made love to her? Did he ever think about me?
As soon as the thoughts ran through my head, the anger and the sadness would swarm me, and even attempting to
pay attention to my professors was a lost cause.
I wasn’t sure what I had done wrong. In actuality, I wasn’t sure what the hell happened at all. I was Parker’s best friend’s little sister. He didn’t seem that stupid, but it appeared that I didn’t know him nearly as well as I thought.
There were moments when I considered running home and demanding that he tell me why. Demanding that he look me in the face and tell me that everything that happened between us was a lie, but the overwhelming fear that he would, crippled me.
I had been in Georgia for two months when my brother called me to tell me the news. I felt devastated for Parker, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel some sort of relief. When Mason said the words miscarriage, my first thought was to run to him.
It didn’t matter that he had hurt me. He was hurt, and I needed to get to him. I needed to do something.
But as soon as I had my keys in my hand, I remembered that he didn’t want me. He had her.
“How is he?” I asked Mason.
“He seems okay. I mean he’s upset, but he’s also relieved. You know?”
“Yeah.” I sat down on my bed and ran my hand over my comforter.
“I’m just glad he’s not stuck with Madison forever. That girl would have sucked the life out of him.” My brother chuckled.
“Well that’s who he chose.” He chose her over me. I wanted to tell my brother that, but I couldn’t.
“Not anymore,” he laughed. “He’s out on a date with some blonde we met last night.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “He’s already dating someone else?” The noose that seemed to be constantly around my heart pulled tighter.
“I wouldn’t exactly call it dating. You know what they say about the best way to get over one girl is to get under another.”
My brother didn’t have a clue how his words would affect me, but as I closed my eyes, all I could see was him with someone else. I imagined how he would touch her. I imagined all the shit he was making her believe.
And in that moment, I knew that I would never forgive Parker James.
P A R K E R
Present
I didn’t know what I was thinking.
I was getting married.
Last weekend was, I couldn’t say it was a mistake because nothing with Livy was ever a mistake, but it was a complete and utter cluster fuck.
After Livy disappeared into her hotel room that night, she kept her distance from me. She was friendly, in a way that made me feel like she felt sorry for me, but she was guarded.
She barely spoke to me all week at work. She nodded her head at me when I walked in the room, and she was fake friendly to me in front of my clients.
I needed a moment alone with her. I needed to talk to her. To see what was going on in that head of hers, but Emily made sure that I had absolutely no free time on my hands. We were having a pre-wedding celebration at the shop, whatever the fuck that meant, and Emily was in true bridezilla mode.
I had never seen anyone get so upset over appetizers or decorations, and with every word that came out of her mouth, I felt myself moving further away from her inch by inch.
By the time the party finally arrived, I was stressed out, confused as fuck, and in desperate need for a drink.
But even the whiskey couldn’t wash down the taste of Livy.
Guilt flooded me whenever I was with Emily. I wanted to tell her the truth. I did, but selfishly, I was scared. What if I chose Livy, but she didn’t choose me? I knew she was furious with me. It would take an idiot not to see that, but deep down, I knew that fire came from somewhere deeper than hate. What if she ran again? The last time she left, I was a complete fucking wreck.
I partied, I slept with more women than I should have, and every part of me ached with memories of her.
I couldn’t be that guy again.
I refused to.
So instead of telling Emily that although I loved her, I was still insanely in love with Livy, I stood in my shop and sipped whiskey as if it would somehow be the answer to my problems.
Emily was in the corner talking to a group of her girlfriends, and as I watched them, I took in how vastly different we were. They were all a flourish of pastels and manners. My friends and I? We were on the complete other side of the spectrum. We looked as dark as the ink that marked our skin. Instead of glasses of champagne, I looked around at my friends and their hard liquor and beers.
Instead of the polite smiles that hid judgment of others, I watched Livy as she belly laughed at something Brandon was telling her. She didn’t care who was watching. She didn’t care how she looked, and there was something about it that made her the most beautiful thing in the room.
I made my way over to them subconsciously, but Livy quit laughing as soon as she spotted me.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“Inside joke,” Livy replied instantly, and I watched my best friend try to conceal his smile.
A tiny hand made its way across my chest and a moment later, Emily stood at my side. She lifted her chin to me, and I made the mistake of glancing at Livy right before my lips pressed against my fiancée’s. She looked completely gutted, and it made me feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world to know that I was hurting her and Emily.
“So Emily…” Livy’s face no longer had a trace of hurt on it. She was smiling as she looked at Emily. “Do you have any tattoos?”
“Oh, no.” Emily chuckled.
“Why not?” Livy chuckled with her, a fake laugh that I fucking hated. “You’re about to be married to one of the greatest tattoo artists on this side of the Mississippi. Surely, he isn’t trying to charge you, is he?”
Emily smiled up at me, and I could see the pride in her eyes.
“No. He won’t charge me. I’m just not sure that I ever want a tattoo.”
That was news to me. Emily had never really shown an interest in my work, but I thought that eventually she would let me mark her with my art.
“Really?” Livy asked curiously. “I feel honored to have Parker’s art on me.”
She was fucking with my head. I wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or not, but it didn’t matter. She was making me question everything.
“Parker’s tattooed you?” Emily actually seemed interested in the answer. More interested than she had ever been in my work before.
“Yeah.” Livy nodded. “Hold this, Parker.” She placed her cranberry and vodka in my hand before she started pulling up her shirt to show her tattoo.
Emily tensed as the tattoo came into view and so did I. When Emily and I met, I was constantly drawing. Every free second of the day my hands were covered in pencil lead. I would constantly wake up in the middle of the night to draw, to clear my head, and there were too many occasions to count when Emily would wake up to me drawing.
To me drawing the tattoo that was now permanently a part of Livy.
Emily glanced up at me with accusation in her eyes before she looked back at Livy. “I love it.”
“Me too. Could you imagine going through life without having something this beautiful from Parker on your skin?”
“No. You’re right. I couldn’t.” Emily’s hand squeezed around mine. “Parker, I think we should go mingle with the other guests.”
“Oh, yeah. Sure.” I handed Livy back her drink, and her eyes went from mine and Emily’s clasped hands to look up at me.
“Have fun.” She smiled, but I could see past it. I could see her falling apart in front of me, and I wanted nothing more than to reach out and catch her.
But Emily pulled on my hand in that moment, and Livy looked away.
P A R K E R
Four Years Earlier
It was two weeks after we found out about the miscarriage that I finally got the nerve to go to Georgia. I didn’t really have a plan. I just knew that I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t go. If I didn’t talk to her.
I could have called her, and looking back, maybe I should have, but I needed to see h
er. I needed to see if she really cared as little about me as she was showing.
I knocked on her dorm room door and a girl with a don’t-fuck-with-me face opened it.
“Can I help you?” She put her hand on her hip.
“Umm… yeah.” I ran my hand through my hair. “I’m looking for Livy.”
“Who?” She looked bored out of her mind.
“Livy?” When she still didn’t look like she had a clue who I was talking about, I said, “Olivia?”
“Oh, you mean, Liv. She’s not here.” She started shutting the door, but I slammed my hand in the doorway just in time to stop her.
“Do you know when she’ll be back?” I asked politely, my patience running thin.
“Probably in the morning. She went out with that guy again, and I told her that she wasn’t bringing him back here so I assume she’ll stay at his.”
Her words crashed into me, forcing all the air out of my lungs. She was with someone else. She was… I could barely even think the words because they seemed so far gone now. She was mine.
“Do you want me to tell her that you stopped by?” Her roommate watched me as I completely fell apart in front of her.
I shook my head trying to form words. I had no right to feel this way. I had gone on a date with someone else after she left, but I went home after thirty minutes. It felt wrong. It wasn’t her. I needed her.
“No.” I finally found the words. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
L I V Y
Present
I stared at myself in the mirror. I was wearing a pair of tight ripped jeans, a cute black top, and a pair of fuck-me heels. My hair was stick straight and my lips were cherry red.
I knew it was insanely stupid to say yes to a date offer when I really wasn’t interested in the guy, but he was cute and I needed to get out of my own head. I met him at the coffee shop when I ran out to get coffee for everyone at the shop.
He was so nice and slightly charming, and even though I had been doing nothing but obsess over Parker, I decided to say yes.