by Holly Renee
He gripped my hips in his rough hands before he finally slammed into me. The desk scraped against the floor, too weak against his power, and I gripped the edge as he slid into me over and over.
I had never felt like this before, engulfed so completely by someone else. Every inch of my skin dying for his touch. He gripped his hand in my hair, standing me up before he sat down in his chair pulling me down on top of him.
I began moving my body against his as he wrapped his arms around my torso. I looked down at his inked skin, so beautiful, and I laced my trembling bare hand in his. He lifted our hands together, pressing them against my chin, turning my face toward his, and I got lost as his lips devoured mine.
I didn’t think about how much we had hurt each other. I didn’t think about his fiancée. Not a trace of our ghosts or an ounce of fear of our future lived in that space. It was only me and Parker, and as his fingers dug into my hips, I fell apart around me.
Spiraling out of control. I never wanted to stop, because for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I wasn’t broken anymore. The madness inside me settled, and I knew, that no matter what happened from this moment forward, I would never recover from Parker James.
P A R K E R
Present
I was such a fucking fool. When Livy was in my arms, I felt like I was finally alive again. I breathed her in, filling my lungs, and I never wanted to know what it felt like to not be able to breathe again.
But when I woke up on the floor of my office twenty minutes before I was supposed to be at the wedding venue for our rehearsal, I woke up alone. I jumped from the floor, pulling my jeans on, and searching the space for a single trace of her. The contents of my desk were scattered on the floor and my skin was covered with the scent of her perfume. I looked around the room remembering the night before, and I pulled at my hair in frustration.
When I had fallen asleep, it was with her in my arms. We didn’t speak of the future. We didn’t make each other any promises, but that didn’t matter to me. I thought… I fucking thought that last night meant something to both of us.
I grabbed my phone out of my pocket. Ten missed calls from Emily lit up my screen, but I quickly cleared them away. I would deal with Emily. I had to, but right now, Livy was the only thing on my mind.
I hit her name and the phone shook in my hand as I listened to each ring while holding my breath. When she didn’t answer, I quickly called her again. This time, her voicemail picked up on the third ring and thought I was going to lose my fucking mind.
I threw my shirt over my head and headed to my car while dialing Brandon’s number.
“Hey, man.”
“Hey. Have you seen her?” My voice was rushed and heart felt like it was beating out of my chest.
“Yes. She’s here at the church where you’re supposed to be. Where are you?”
I stopped in my tracks. “She’s at the church?”
“Yeah, man, and she’s already bossing everyone around. You better get here before I kill her.”
“Who are you talking about?”
“Your fiancée. Who the hell are you talking about?” He was whisper-yelling into the phone.
“Livy. I have to find her.”
“It’s about fucking time.”
“Can you cover for me there?” I had no clue what I was going to do, but I knew I wasn’t going to that church.
“Of course.”
I drove to Livy’s house and banged on the door like a maniac, but no one answered. Her brother would be at the church with my other friends, and irrationally I wanted to kill him for not being home so I could search for her.
I went to Staci’s house next.
She opened the door wearing nothing but a long t-shirt, a messy bun on the top of her head, and a death stare.
“Stac, is she here?”
She put her hands on her hips. “You have a lot of nerve, Parker.”
“I don’t have time for this. Is she here?”
When she didn’t answer me, I stormed past her and started looking around her apartment.
“Are you insane? What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Staci was following me around her space, but I didn’t care what she had to say. I wouldn’t let Livy run again.
“You are her best friend, Staci. Where is she?” I sounded frantic, and I could see a trace of pity in her eyes before she looked away. “I can’t let her run again. I can’t handle it.”
“Did you ever stop to think about why she ran?”
“We’re both scared…”
Staci shook her head interrupting me. “No, Parker. You just cheated on your fiancée with her.”
“So you’ve talked to her.”
She held up her hand. “She ran the first time because you cheated on her and destroyed the girl that she was. She can’t live with herself knowing that she’s helping you do it to someone else.”
“What?”
Staci opened her mouth to talk, but I interrupted her. “I never cheated on her.”
“It’s a little late for that, Parker. She knows that you were sleeping with that girl you got knocked up when you were with her.” She rolled her eyes at me, and it was as if everything finally clicked into place.
Livy thought I cheated on her. That was why she ran. That was why she left me.
“I swear to God, Stac. I never cheated on her. I fucking love her. I always have.”
Staci looked at me, watching me closely, trying to see if what I was saying was the truth. I bit my tongue as she took her time. I knew if I snapped at her again then she would never tell me where she was.
“Please,” I begged.
“I can’t tell you, Parker.” She shook her head. “You’re not ready.”
“What the fuck do you mean I’m not ready? Trust me. I’ve been in love with that girl for over four years. I’m more than ready.”
“What about Emily?” She hopped up onto her kitchen counter and pulled a spoon out of a tub of icing that sat in the fridge.
“I’ll deal with Emily, but I have to get to Livy.”
She shook her head like I was the biggest idiot in the world. “What you need to do is deal with Emily before you go anywhere near Livy. You can’t go to her like this.” She waved her spoon in my direction. “You look half-crazy in your after-sex glow. If you want to do this right, then you have to be in it one hundred percent. You can’t be confessing your love to Livy when you still have a ring on another girl’s finger. Take my advice on this. I read a lot of romance novels.”
“Okay.” I ran my hands through my hair. “Okay, but will you promise me that you won’t let her run.”
“I’ll see what I can do.” She plopped the spoon filled with icing in her mouth.
“I’m not kidding, Staci. I can’t fucking live without her again. I won’t.”
“Then get on your white horse there buddy and figure out how to be her knight in shining fucking armor.”
I kissed her on her forehead, her hair smelling of vanilla icing and making me question exactly how much she’s had to eat.
“I owe you one.” I started walking toward the door.
“Yeah, yeah. You can pay me in ink.”
L I V Y
Present
“He’s gone.” Staci poked her head into her spare bedroom.
“I heard.” I was sitting on the edge of her guest bed trying to take in everything that had happened.
“Did you hear what he said?” She plopped down on the bed next to me.
“Yes, but does it really change anything?” I fell back onto the bed and stared up at her ceiling.
“Well, I guess the real question is, do you believe him? If the answer is no, then no, it doesn’t change a damn thing. If the answer is yes, then it changes everything.”
I watched the ceiling fan spin around and around as I thought about her words. Did I believe him? Without a doubt, but I also didn’t know if that was just me being foolish or not. I had believed every word that ever left
his mouth once upon a time.
I had believed that nothing would ever come between us, but it did.
I thought about everything we had been through, all the shit that we had let keep us apart, and I knew that no matter what, after all this time, I wanted nothing more than to be with Parker James.
“I believe him.”
Staci clapped her hands scaring the crap out of me. “So what’s the plan?”
“The plan?” I turned my head to look at her.
“Oh, dear God. Do none of you know what romance is? We must have a plan. Some grand gesture to let him know that you still love him as much as he loves you.”
“I don’t have a plan.” I groaned.
“I know.” Staci bounced on the bed. “You can get your vagina pierced.”
“What kind of romance are you reading?” I balked.
“True. Wrong genre.” She jumped off the bed and pulled me with her into her bedroom.
“What are we doing?” I asked as I stared at her floor to ceiling bookshelves that were covered in books of every color.
“Research.”
P A R K E R
Present
Telling Emily only a few days before our wedding that I was in love with someone else was a huge mistake. I should have broken it off with her the moment Livy walked back into my life, but I was an idiot.
She was furious. Livid. But she didn’t look heartbroken.
She threw a vase of flowers at my head the moment the words “I can’t do this” left my lips.
“What do you mean, you can’t do this?” She seethed.
“I’m not trying to hurt you, Emily. I swear, but you know as well as I do that we’re not meant to be together.”
“No. What I know is that we have over two hundred guests coming to our wedding in less than a week.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” I looked around the room at the wedding decorations that were waiting to be shown off on our big day.
“You’re sorry. You’re fucking sorry?” she yelled. It was one of the first times I had ever heard Emily cuss. “My dad was right about you, Parker. You’re fucking trash.”
I nodded my head and bit my tongue. I was breaking the girl’s heart. I deserved every bit of hate she was throwing at me.
“I’m so fucking glad I never let you tattoo me. God, I couldn’t imagine having that shit on me for the rest of my life.”
I rubbed the back of my neck and took a deep breath. “Tell your dad that I’ll cover all the cost of the wedding.”
“We don’t want your pity money, Parker. Just leave.”
“Emily.” I reached out for her. Regardless of what happened, I didn’t want to hurt her. I never meant to hurt her.
“Don’t fucking touch me.” She stared at me, the girl I was prepared to marry, a girl who I loved, but she was looking straight through me. “You should know that I cheated on you at my bachelorette party.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
I listened to her words, but they didn’t hit me like they should have. They didn’t affect me at all. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Emily. I’m truly sorry.”
I started walking to the door, but her next words stopped me.
“You still love her, don’t you?”
“What?” I turned to look at her.
“I’m not stupid, Parker. You don’t draw a portrait of a girl who looks exactly like her for years for no reason.”
We stared at each other for a long minute with neither of us saying anything.
“Yes. I’m still in love with her.”
She toyed with the diamond ring on her hand before sliding if off her hand and placing it on the table in front of her. “Fuck you, Parker.”
L I V Y
Present
It had been a week since I had laid eyes on him. I took Staci’s advice and read as many romance books as a girl could while she was hiding out, but I didn’t feel a bit closer to having any idea what I was supposed to do.
I wanted to run to him. I did, but Staci had told me that he had been dealing with canceling the wedding and all the drama that went along with that and I knew he didn’t need me complicating matters.
But he canceled his wedding.
His fucking wedding.
For me.
I searched the backs of her paperbacks for a story about high school sweethearts who had completely fucked up everything trying to love each other, but no matter how hard I looked, I couldn’t find our story.
I read about a firefighter who stormed into a building braving the blazing fire to save the girl who was stranded on the fifth floor and how they lived happily ever after, and I almost threw the book through the wall.
Parker’s and my love story wasn’t a perfect romance novel. It was complicated, filled with lies, heartbreak, and secrets. I didn’t know if we could ever get past everything we had been through.
If we were worth the fight.
Staci had been at work all day, and I had only moved off the couch to eat our leftover pizza from the night before. I was wearing an oversized t-shirt that I had stolen from Parker when I was eighteen years old, and I hadn’t brushed my hair for as long as I could remember.
When there was a knock on the door, I considered not answering it. No one needed to see me like this, but no one knew I was here. But it was probably a package from Amazon since Staci ordered paperbacks about three times a week like a hoarder. I told her that there was no way she could fit any more on her shelves, but she looked at me like I had just given her the most welcome challenge.
I pulled the door open, squinting as the sunlight flooded her living room, and then I stared at Parker.
He looked so damn handsome. He always had, but he also looked tired. Dark circles shadowed his normally bright eyes.
I stepped out of the doorway to let him in, and I fidgeted with the edge of my t-shirt as we stood in awkward silence.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was rough, and I could feel the rumble of it throughout my whole body.
“I know.”
“No. You don’t.” He stepped toward me. His body only a few inches away from mine. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell your brother how I felt about you when I was sixteen years old. I’m sorry I made you feel like I didn’t love you even though you ran through my every thought every single day.”
I shook my head to stop him, but he continued.
“I’m sorry that I dated Madison when I imagined she was you every time we touched. I’m sorry that I let her come between us when it should have been me and you against the world. I’m sorry that I let you leave. I’m sorry that I didn’t demand you come back with me when I showed up at your dorm and you were on a date with someone else.”
“What?” I asked, but he held up his hand.
“I need to get this out. Okay?”
I nodded my head.
“I’m sorry that I ever tried to forget you. I’m sorry that I tried to love Emily while I secretly drew your face in my sketchbook every night. I’m sorry…” He swallowed, and I watched his throat work. “I’m sorry that I made love to you when I wasn’t one hundred percent yours. If I could go back, I would change it all.”
Tears were running down my cheeks, and he reached up and caught them with his thumbs.
“But my biggest regret, something I will live with for the rest of my life, is that you didn’t know how much I have loved you since I was sixteen years old. Every day, every single day, I have loved you. As much as I tried,” he cupped my chin in his hand. “I have never figured out how to not be madly in love with everything you do.”
I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks, and as I tried to catch my breath, I hiccupped, causing Parker to laugh.
He pressed his lips against mine softly, just the faintest touch, and I felt everything inside me settle. He lifted me in the air, my legs instantly wrapping around him, and he set me on top of the kitchen counter.
“But my grand gesture?”
“What?” Parker looked a
t me like I was crazy as he ripped his old t-shirt over my head.
“Staci told me I had to do a grand gesture. Like that book I just read. He saved her from a fire, and they fell in love. I was supposed to save you from a fire or something. I should have bought a fireman’s outfit.”
Parker lowered his face to look at me, staring at me for a long moment before he said, “Babe, trust me when I tell you, you have saved me.”
His movements were hungry but reserved. I could practically feel his tension radiating under my fingertips. He was so controlled and so restrained.
I hated it.
I didn’t want him to love me tenderly. I wanted him to bury his hands in my hair and get lost in me. I wanted him to bruise my lips and stain my skin with his need. I wanted him to dig his fingers into my soul and make love to the storm inside me. I wanted him to remind me how to breathe by taking my breath away, to love me recklessly. I didn’t need his hesitant touch or guarded desire. What I needed was to feel his fire and know that I wasn’t burning alone.
He drug his bottom lip against mine. Not a kiss. A barely there touch. But I still felt my body arching off the counter, begging for more. My tongue tracing the shape of his lips.
“Please, Parker.” I pulled his shirt over his head and threw it behind me.
His hands in my hair tightened and his gentle lips became demanding. No longer was there a calm tease of tongues or slow drag of lips. His mouth was punishing against mine. Teeth clashed, tongues dueled, and hearts pounded against one another.
My hands dug into his back holding him close to me and his hips settled between my open thighs. I barely had any clothes on, but I felt like I was on fire. My skin burned under his touch.
He pulled away from my mouth and trailed kisses down my neck. His hands worked their way down my body before jerking my hips closer to him. I could feel his hardness pressed against me, and I was dying to remove all the barriers between us.
My fingers fumbled with the button of his jeans, and I had to slow my trembling hands down to accomplish the task. He stepped back away from me before helping me to my feet. With a flick of his fingers, my bra fell to the floor and he stared at my breasts, his eyes becoming feral.