She closed her eyes. Sam had said something like that too: “What you see is what you get, Katie.”
“You’re away again, Katie, dreaming of other things, I think.” Jason waited until the waitress had put the check on the table. “The spark. Does he have it?”
She nodded. “Yes.” How she wished she could run away right now, end the conversation, end this terrible meeting.
He looked off at the waitress who was at another table serving a meal. “Are you going to marry him?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Right now I don’t think so. It’s very complicated.”
“Does he love you?”
His voice was flat and she knew the extent of his pain. He would never have asked these questions before. No, Jason never probed too deeply for answers. Life had always been easy and good for him. Complications weren’t for him. He had a scientific mind, and if something went wrong, he could always work it out logically. Everything had a cause and effect. That was one of his favorite sayings, and now even she could apply it to this situation. The cause was Sam and the effect was that she couldn’t marry Jason. How simple it all seemed when she worked it out analytically. How simple and how cold.
“Please don’t ask me anything else because I can’t answer.” She touched his arm. “I wish that this had never happened.” She stood up. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. You’re nice and you’re kind and you’re a good teacher and a fine person and…”
“But that’s not enough, is it, Katie?” Again she shook her head and he reached for her hand once more. “Will you sit down for just a few more minutes and hear me out?”
She couldn’t refuse the request. She owed him that much, at least. He had been more than decent and she knew if the situation were reversed, she’d be hurt and furious, angry and mean. But Jason wasn’t like that. He could never be mean to anyone. Oh, why did this happen? Why did she go to Cedar Crest? Why did she meet Sam? Why did she fall in love with him? There were too many questions to be asked and answered. She sat down again.
Jason moved his finger around the table. “You know, Katie, when we first started going out together, I thought you were the finest person in the world and I was really happy that you and I got along so well. And then, when everything kept going along so smoothly, I just naturally thought we should marry.” He wrinkled his brow. “Oh, it wasn’t that I took you for granted. I just assumed, you see, that we would get married. That’s how it’s been in my life. A lot of assumptions.” He smiled at her and if there was any way she could have erased Sam at that moment, she would have. But she couldn’t and she and Jason both knew it.
“You’ve sort of stunned me, Katie, because, you see, I’ve never even considered what we were doing, either. It was like I was on a track and you were on the track next to me and we both sort of merged somewhere along the way.” He held up his hand. “Oh, not that I don’t love you—please don’t think that. I do, but it was something I just took for granted. Katie and Jason, Jason and Katie. Maybe I should have thought, ‘Katie loves Jason, Jason loves Katie.’ Maybe I wasn’t romantic enough. Maybe that’s where I went wrong.”
“No, you didn’t go wrong. I did.” She wanted to make him know that nothing could have changed what had happened.
He took a sip of his water. “Well, that doesn’t seem to matter now, does it?” He smiled. “But you’re right about one thing. I didn’t listen to you carefully. Maybe it was because we just drifted into this arrangement—this relationship. It was as if nothing better came along for either of us, or nothing came along to interfere with us. So maybe we both just figured, ‘Well, why not marry?’ ” He picked up the check and folded it. “But something better has now come along, Katie. For you, not for me. And I don’t want to hold you back. I won’t hold you back. I could never hurt you, Katie, or wish you harm.”
She looked at him and could feel her lower lip tremble. “I’m sorry.”
“I think you’re right. I think that’s all we are—just friends. Very good friends.” He took out his wallet. “Maybe I should have let you pay your half all these months. It might have helped our relationship.”
She knew it was another attempt at humor and she said through the lump in her throat, “Jason, dear, wonderful, kind Jason. I wish… no, I know you’ll find someone who will really love you and appreciate how nice you really are. Someone who will really love you,” she repeated.
He drove her to her apartment and she knew it was for the last time. She felt saddened that their engagement was over. Jason was reliable and kind and decent and she would never forget him—just as she would never forget Sam, even if she never saw him again. This was his legacy to her; she had come to know love and to have it play an important part in her life. She could never settle for anything less.
“You won’t change your mind?” Jason asked her as he turned the ignition key off.
She shook her head and he leaned over and kissed her lightly on her cheek. “Okay, Katie. Never let it be said that I don’t know when to give up.” He reached across and opened her door. “I won’t come in. I have a lot to think about tonight.” He touched her cheek again. “I’ll see you at school.”
Chapter Eighteen
A postcard arrived from Italy the next day. Sam’s handwriting was small and his message was rambling, as though he didn’t know which subjects would interest her. He ended: Working my way home. Be there in two weeks. Don’t make any plans until then. You must see the snow and the skiing. It makes Devil’s Mist look small. Will talk to you in a few days. All my love, S.
The other side was a tourist’s view of the Alps and he had circled one of the smaller mountains, labeling it Devil’s Mist.
She shuddered but didn’t know whether it was from anticipation at seeing him or the recollection of Devil’s Mist and her inability to conquer it. Probably a little of both. “All my love,” he had written and she knew that he meant it.
She propped the card up on her dresser so that the picture was in full view. Then she crossed to the window and looked out at the darkness. The weatherman had promised a mild spring day but the evening air had turned cold. Despite the temperature, she knew that it was already the end of winter. The snow would be thawing at Cedar Crest by now and there would be no more trips there until next year. She was sorry about that; she would have liked going back to see the farmhouse and the inn. Even Devil’s Mist seemed appealing now. In fact, everything about the Crest appealed to her at this moment and she knew that it was because of all the wonderful memories associated with it. Magic Mountain would never be the same. Nor would she. The ghost of Sam would always be there.
She took another look at the postcard before turning off the light. One problem—Jason—solved and another—Sam—to begin soon. She’d think about him tomorrow, when she was rested and less vulnerable and when she could make intelligent decisions. For now, though, she was mentally and physically tired and all she wanted to do was sleep.
The ringing phone awoke her. “Hello,” she said, still hazy from her deep sleep. She grasped the telephone tighter and took a deep breath, afraid to move, as though by breathing she would banish the dream that it was him.
“Katie? Katie, it’s Sam.” His voice was exactly as she remembered it—deep, smooth, and yet a bit excited.
“I know.” She paused, waiting for him to say something while her mind raced ahead, wanting to ask him dozens of questions, wanting to tell him hundreds of things.
“Katie? I can hardly hear you.”
“I… I didn’t say anything. Sam, where are you?” That was an inane thing for her to ask. She knew he was in Italy.
“I wrote twice.”
“I got your letter. Your card came today.” She shook her head. What foolish things people say when they speak long distance. Talk to me, Sam, she wanted to cry. Tell me why you called me in the middle of the night.
His voice was hesitant. “I had so much,” he began and then stopped and started over again. “I wanted to talk to you. Katie, I’ve misse
d you. This won’t work. I’ve done nothing but think about you.”
“Yes.” She licked her parched lips. “I know.”
“We’ve got to talk and come to some sort of resolution. Good-bye isn’t for us. There has to be more.”
She heard static and was afraid that they had been disconnected. “Sam?” She shouted.
“I’m here, Katie. Look, I have to ask you this. Can I come to see you when I get back?”
“Yes.”
“Good. That’s what I was hoping. I’ll be there in another week. Promise me you won’t do anything foolish till I get there and we talk about things.”
“I won’t.” Did he suspect that she would be counting the days?
“Are you all right?”
“Yes. And you?” Such polite conversation, she thought. Surely they had more important things to say.
“Yes.”
They were both silent. Is this all they had to talk about? Sam, she wanted to say, a lot has happened to me. I have so much to tell you. But she said nothing.
“I just had this crazy notion that I should call you, Katie-Katie. I know it’s late and you have to teach but…”
“Don’t apologize, Sam. I’m glad you called. I would have answered your letter, but I didn’t have an address. And I didn’t know whether I should call.”
“I’ve been moving around a lot these past weeks.” His tone became more serious: “Katie, think about me. Think about us.”
“I am… I do.”
“I miss you very much. I love you, Katie.” He said the words so quietly that she had to strain to hear them.
Yes, she wanted to answer him. I know, and I love you too. Instead, she listened.
“In one week. I’ll be there in another week.”
“I’ll wait for you, Sam.”
“That’s all I ask, Katie.”
She heard the click of his phone and then put down her own. She wished that she had told him about her breaking off with Jason. And how she loved him.
She sat back against her pillows and pulled the blanket around her. It was three o’clock and it would be another sleepless night for her.
As she recalled the conversation, a wave of yearning washed over her. How she had missed hearing his voice and the way he said her name and how he told her he loved her. They were the feelings that made up part of her love for him. “Oh, Sam,” she spoke into the darkness, “why can’t I just say good-bye to you and mean it? Even though I can’t make a decision, why am I so happy now?”
She looked at the clock and saw that only five minutes had elapsed since his call. She wondered how many times she would recreate their conversation before she fell asleep. She burrowed down under the blanket, once again remembering “Katie, it’s Sam.”
Chapter Nineteen
It was difficult to keep her mind on her classes. Every day that she assigned home-work, she would tick off the date in her head as though there were an invisible calendar inside her head. Two more days until Sam comes. One more day until he comes. She looked through the open window in her classroom and smelled the fragrance of the lilac bushes and apple trees in bloom. Yes, spring could be lovely too.
“Well, only two more months until vacation,” Irene said as she came in. “Sometimes, Katie, I wish for something to look forward to.” She swept back her dark hair. “Maybe I need something new and different in my life. Speaking of new things, have you figured out what to say to him?”
“No. Can you honestly see me running off to heaven knows where, living in a different country, not having a permanent home?”
“You don’t have to. There are such things as coast-to-coast marriages. They’re rather popular now.”
Katie shook her head. “Not for me.”
“Then come up with a better alternative. But don’t be a fool. The Sam Hubbards of the world don’t come along every day of your life. There aren’t many guys who can put a sparkle in a woman’s eyes like he has in yours. Think hard about it, Katie.” She took out her car keys. “Are you coming?”
On their way to the parking lot they passed the field where Jason was coaching the baseball team and Katie stopped to watch him while Irene went on to her car. He seemed to be taking the broken engagement quite well. Whenever they saw each other, they were still friendly, and, in fact, the rest of the faculty, with the exception of Irene, didn’t even know that they were no longer planning their marriage. Now that she was no longer engaged to him, she could see that marriage would have been completely wrong for them. How could she have not seen it before? They were mismatched; the only thing they had in common was teaching and that certainly wasn’t enough to base an entire lifetime on.
When she waved to him he motioned her to sit down on the sidelines. “I want to talk to you,” he yelled, and then went back to the kids he was coaching. He picked up a bat to demonstrate a bunt. Then he gave it to the next hitter and walked over to her and tossed her a baseball.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you,” he said, sitting down beside her. “I’ve got some news and I didn’t want to tell it to anyone yet except you.”
As she raised her eyebrows, Jason laughed. “No, don’t worry, I’m not going to try to convince you to come back to me. I’m positive now that we really shouldn’t be together.”
She touched his arm. “We’re not destined to be married to each other but we’ll always be good friends, won’t we?”
“More than that, Katie. We’re great friends.” He tossed the baseball back and forth in his hands. “You know, after we first talked, when you told me about how you couldn’t marry me, I thought about it for a long time. Sure, I was hurt.”
“I tried not to hurt you,” she said gently.
“Oh, it wasn’t your fault. You were saying things that I just didn’t want to hear. I couldn’t understand why we weren’t suited to each other. And then I did. We sure did take each other for granted. I even took myself for granted.” He laughed again and she could see the gentle creases around his eyes. “I was boring and I got accustomed to doing things the same old way all the time,” he said. “And I was stuck in a dead-end job here and it was as though I never kept up with what life had to offer.” He rubbed the scuffed ball on his pants. “Oh, you never said that, but I’ll tell you, Katie, when you left, I had to do a lot of soul-searching. About you, us, and me and my career. And I decided that maybe now was the time for me to move on, to start shifting gears, to enjoy life, to go after another job. And that’s what I did. I applied for the position of assistant principal at Woodlawn High. And I got it.”
His eyes were shining and his face was animated and she was happy to see, for the first time since she had known him, that he was more than just content with himself and his profession. “They just called me to tell me I could have the job if I want it. So I took it. How’s that for carpe diem, for seizing the day?”
She reached out and hugged him. “That’s wonderful, really wonderful! I’m so happy for you. When do you start at Woodlawn?”
“In September. And maybe someday I’ll come back here and be principal.” He resumed tossing the ball. “How’s that for thinking big?”
“Oh, Jason, you’re really on your way! And I don’t doubt you’ll be principal here someday.” She patted his arm. “What about baseball? I know you love it, that you love teaching the kids.”
“You always did know me so well. Couldn’t leave baseball, could I? I’ll still be a coach. Woodlawn needs me. Desperately! They’ve got a one and three record already.” He tossed the ball into his mitt. “So it looks like I’ll be moving on after this term. I just wanted you to be the first to know.”
“Thanks,” she said, touched that he had told her his news first. “I’ll even come to see your team play.”
He shook his head slowly. “I don’t think so, Katie. You may not be around here.”
She blinked at the truthfulness of the statement. “Maybe.”
He looked at the players in the outfield and then stood up. “Gotta
get back to the team. This may be my last winning season for a while.”
“I doubt that,” Katie said. “Great coaches make great teams.”
He waved and then jogged back to his team. At least something good had come out of the broken engagement. Jason would be fine, just fine, now. It was a funny way to look at it, but Sam had given him a gift too.
Chapter Twenty
Katie drove home, not hearing the music on the radio, absorbed with the thought of Jason and his new position. It would be lonely for her at the school next semester. She would miss him.
She parked the car and went into her building, stopping off at the mailbox. No letter. Could Sam have thought more about it, about coming to see her, and had decided against it? Perhaps she hadn’t sounded encouraging enough. No, that was wrong; she knew it was only her imagination, making up all sorts of scenarios for her. In the past two weeks she had invented all kinds of reasons and excuses why he wasn’t coming. He had thought about it and decided to stay away. He didn’t love her. He thought she had changed her mind. No, she thought, pushing the elevator button, she had to stop telling herself all those horror stories. He had said he was coming and he was the type of person to keep his word.
She pushed the button again. Oh, Sam, she thought, I wish I could tell you all that’s been happening in my life. How I’m not going to marry Jason. How I’ve decided that I’m going to go back next year and ski Devil’s Mist. And how much I miss you. She bit her lip. That crazy feeling of finding excuses why Sam hadn’t arrived yet overtook her again. He should have been here already. He just wasn’t coming. The words echoed and reverberated through her head. I’ll get along, she thought wearily accepting the fait accompli of the imagined act. She should have taken Irene’s advice. She should have followed her heart and told Sam on the phone that she loved him and wanted to see him again and again. She smiled at the realization that she was changing, just as Jason was changing. But as for leaving her job, friends, and home for someone she hardly knew? No, she couldn’t be expected to do that. But still…
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