by Sarah Noffke
“Oh, items…right. No, I left with nothing and I’m returning with nothing,” Azure said, relieved that she’d figured out what he meant.
“You might still need to go through Customs if you were at the Light Elves’ Castle. The Duke has asked that—”
“I’m sure that’s not necessary,” Azure said, cutting the guard off. The last thing she needed was for Duke Prettyboy to know she’d entered the Land of Terran. “Look, I’m super-tired and really need to get home.” That wasn’t a lie, but she hoped that the way she batted her eyelashes at the guard would convince him.
“I totally understand, but I have to do my job,” the guard replied.
“How about I rest up and buy you a drink tomorrow night to pay you back for making this whole process go quickly?” Azure said. Ever had taken her to a bar, so she guessed that was something humans did on dates—although that wasn’t not how she’d thought of her time with Ever. They were friends, and he was going to save her if she fucked everything up here. But that wasn’t going to happen, because Azure was going to succeed.
The guard pursed his lips and straightened the nametag on his uniform. It read “Robert.”
“I guess I could make an exception for such a beautiful young lady. And I’d never to pass up a chance to enjoy her company. Let’s meet at the Del Rio Wine Bar on the West Side.”
“That sounds great,” Azure said, taking her papers from Robert. She absolutely wanted to buy him a drink for letting her into the Land of Terran.
He pressed a button on the wall and the gate released, slowly receding to make way for Azure. She took a step forward, pulling air into her lungs. Entering the land where her father lived made her feel like she was waking from a dream. Azure blew out the breath and continued forward.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
The Land of Terran couldn’t look more different from Virgo. The concrete road stretched before her, a sidewalk on both sides, and grassy yards bordering it. Not grass, actually. Azure realized that the bright green grass-like stuff was more like a rug. And the palm trees that flanked the road, well, they were made from plastic.
Azure hiked down the sidewalk, noticing that the houses sat on the hills around the town. She guessed that the city center, which she was approaching, was where the shops would be found. On this side of town there was little traffic, probably because this was the border entrance. However, she spied bikes and small cars crossing the intersection ahead. The various vehicles honked at each other, many of the drivers wearing angry expressions. Everyone in Terran seemed as if they were in a hurry, like they were all trying to make it home before the sun set.
Although Azure knew she needed to figure out what her gran had meant about using human magic to enchant her soul stone, that would have to wait until she rested. Right now, she needed to find a place to sleep. She crossed the intersection, nearly being run over by a tandem bike. The riders held up angry fists and shook them at her. Ever had told her that in Santa Monica pedestrians had the right-away when crossing the street, but apparently that rule didn’t apply in Terran.
“Watch where you’re going!” a lady yelled from the back of the bike.
Azure sorely wished her magical reserves weren’t depleted so she could actually cast spells. She’d make that woman grow a beard that reached her knees, like those of the ancient wizards in Virgo. Oh, she’d have fun for days, giving humans ingrown toenails and cowlicks that couldn’t be tamed with hair gel. It would absolutely ruin their lives. However, she had real business to attend to.
The city square, a manicured set of roads that bordered a fountain with park benches around it, came into view. Around the edge were stores with brightly glowing signs. What had Ever called those on Earth? “Neon signs,” Azure remembered.
She walked on, watching as the humans entered and exited shops, smiles plastered on their faces. Witches and wizards didn’t walk around smiling. That was a wasteful thing to do. They only smiled when something made them happy, and remained neutral otherwise. It was considered disingenuous to grin for no reason in Virgo. These people embodied the term “disingenuous.”
“Fabulous hat, Molly,” she heard a lady say farther down the sidewalk.
“Thank you! I picked it up at Neiman Morcus,” the women replied. She was wearing a black hat with a brim and a cylinder. “They call it a ‘top hat’ on Earth. All the rage.”
“Oh, I love Neiman Morcus, but did you hear that we’re getting a ZalMart? Those are apparently one-stop shopping places on Earth,” the other woman told her.
“I’ve heard, and I can’t wait. I need a new toaster. I only have three. I can’t believe they’re only good for one use,” the lady said.
Something was off about the Land of Terran. The people were all wearing exaggerated clothes, like tutus and monocles. And Neiman Morcus? She’d seen a store in the mall in Santa Monica that had a similar name, but it was Neiman Marcus. Was it possible that the humans, in their study of Earth, had gotten things a bit wrong? Ever would be able to tell Azure when she returned.
A blast of cold air hit Azure’s back when someone opened a door behind her. It was air conditioning leaking from a restaurant. Too curious, Azure waited for the group to exit and entered the place. Dispensers lined one wall, and excited teenagers and adults had small bowls they were filling from the machines.
“Do you want a sample, or do you know what you want?” a guy with dark skin and a bowtie asked.
“Huh?” Azure said, looking at the kid dumbfounded.
He handed her a small plastic spoon. “We have thirty-two yogurt flavors. Taste and decide which ones to fill your bowl with. You can find the toppings over there,” the guy explained, pointing at a counter where candy and fruits of various colors were arranged.
Azure didn’t have any money, but realized suddenly that she was starving, not having eaten since lunch. She took a handful of small spoons from the guy and strode off to the machines. Watching a father help his son, she observed there was a lever that one pulled down to make the frozen yogurt dispense. She centered herself in front of a machine labeled peanut butter and pulled down on the handle. A dollop of yogurt dripped into her spoon before she lifted the handle back to its original position. Azure brought the spoon to her mouth, feeling the cold before it touched her lips. She didn’t know what Cheetos tasted like, but fuck those nasty chips. Peanut butter frozen yogurt was the best thing on Oriceran. She threw the used spoon into a bin and used another to take a different sample from a new machine.
The yogurt wasn’t really filling, but what she’d ingested would have to do. Once she’d emptied her hands of the sample spoons, Azure slipped out of the yogurt shop, hoping no one noticed she didn’t buy anything. On the streets, lamps were starting to flicker to life. They used the same electricity she’d seen on Earth, which meant that the humans were powering it somehow using magic. Azure stared at all the shiny shops with their bright lights. No wonder they’d sucked up so much of the forest! It would take half the Dark Forest to keep this place going.
Up ahead, there was a larger store which people exited carrying big bags. Something about the store with its oversized lettered sign caught her attention. It was named Bed Bath and Along. That seemed like the right place to hide and sleep.
The doors automatically opened when Azure approached the store. She brushed past a lady at the front, who gave her an annoyed glare. “We’re closing in five minutes,” the woman told her.
“I’ll be done in two,” Azure assured the woman, heading to the back. Rows of towels and shiny merchandise bordered the aisle. The whole experience reminded her of the mall, where people bustled around looking dull, but with every hair was in place.
Azure’s instinct—which a witch always relied on—brought her to the back of the store, where curtains of various colors hung. She guessed they were samples, based on their small size. Blankets and pillows were stacked on shelves, all things that the consumers of Terran could buy for their homes. In the center of the store dis
play sat the best thing Azure had seen all day—a bed. It was covered with a soft white comforter and had a huge stack of fluffy pillows arranged on one end.
“You will be mine,” Azure said, pointing to the pillows.
The frozen yogurt had been good for more than fulfilling her hunger. It appeared to have restored a bit of her magic. Sugar was lethal in large amounts, but restorative in small doses. Azure tucked herself behind a row of sheets, hiding from view, and pulled her wand from her pocket. She pointed it at herself and said, “Nevidljivi.”
She instantly disappeared, becoming invisible. The spell wouldn’t last for more than half an hour, but the lights overhead dimmed the very same minute she disappeared, which meant she would soon have the store to herself. More importantly, she’d have that bed to herself and could rest properly until morning.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
“Hey, Princess, time to get up,” a voice said in Azure’s head.
She peeled her head up, to find a blurry figure standing in front of her. Azure had fallen face first into the cloud of delicious blankets and remembered nothing else from her night sleeping in Bed, Bath and Along. Now a woman was standing in front of her, and she apparently knew who she was. Her eyes adjusted to find a girl with blonde hair to match her own snapping her fingers in her face. She had a pointy nose, and an easy smile on her face. “Oh, there you are, Little Bo Peep,” the woman said.
“Princess. You know I’m—”
“A bum,” the woman cut her off. “Look, if my manager had found you here, you’d be in the city jail right now.”
Azure sat up, her head swimming with nerves. The woman probably didn’t know she was a princess. Humans were so weird, always using strange expressions. Virgo didn’t have a jail because, well, punishments were exact, and imprisoning people was cruel. Well, unless they’d cut down part of the Dark Forest. Maybe Terran did need a jail.
“Sorry,” Azure said, scooting to the side of the bed. Her magical reserves had returned to normal. She stared down at her jeans and shirt, which were once more covered in mud. She could only imagine how her hair looked.
“Why did you make our bed display your bedroom last night?” the woman asked, tidying up the blankets and pillows as Azure pulled herself upright.
Azure’s mind scanned acceptable answers. She burst out with, “I had a fight. It was awful. I stormed out of the house, and then…”
The woman measured her with a sideways glance, nodding. “Boyfriend troubles, is it?”
“Yes!” Azure said too fast. “He’s a pig’s liver.”
“Pig’s liver, huh? That’s a new one I haven’t heard. Is it from Earth? I would have called him a douche, myself.”
“Yeah, he’s a fucking douche,” Azure agreed, glad that the woman was commiserating with her instead of calling the authorities.
“What’s his name? Maybe I know him and can spread a bunch of awful rumors around Terran?”
“Robert,” Azure said, the guard’s name popping into her head.
The lady’s face dropped with shock suddenly. “Robert Travolta? The guard at the border entrance? I’m sorry to hear that. He’s like one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.”
“Well, why don’t you date the douche liver then?” Azure snapped, unsure if her reference made any sense at all. She guessed by the girl’s face that it didn’t.
“Sorry, I’m sure things are different when you’re intimate with someone. Anyway, I hope you two work it out, but I’ll help you until you do,” she said. “Did he hurt you?” The woman’s eyes were on Azure’s jeans.
“Oh, no. I just fell when I ran out of the house. And I was going to buy new clothes, but left my money at home,” she explained, hoping this made sense.
“I totally understand. Look, my name is Heidi. Why don’t you buzz over to my house and clean yourself up? You can borrow some clothes from me until you get things sorted out. Help yourself to whatever is in the kitchen, too,” the girl said, digging in her pocket and withdrawing a shiny key.
“Oh, wow. Thanks! That’s really nice of you,” Azure said with a wide smile.
“Of course. I don’t mind. I’ve been there,” the girl said. “I’ll speed over on my lunch break and check on you. Stay there until then so I can grab my key.”
“Okay, thanks. Where do you live?”
“One-twenty-six Hollywood Way,” the girl said, handing the key over to Azure.
She took it, nodding to the girl. However, she was secretly wondering what a lunch break was and why the girl had to wait to meet her. Terran was an incredibly strange place.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Hollywood Way, according to the stranger Azure asked on the street, wasn’t too far away. She was grateful it wasn’t one of the houses on the second ridge. Those looked like tiny specks, they were up so high.
Pushing the key into the lock, she turned it and heard the mechanism release. It felt totally bizarre to walk into a stranger’s house, but Heidi had seemed like the trusting type. Maybe she was a witch. In Virgo there weren’t generally locks on doors, because the citizens respected each other.
Azure pushed the door open, noticing a small cat in the hallway as she did.
“I’m a friend of Heidi’s,” she told it, closing the door at her back.
The feline lifted its black face and blinked at Azure. “And she has no idea that you’re a witch, does she?” the cat asked.
“No, she doesn’t and I won’t tell her you talk if you don’t tell on me,” Azure replied, walking past the cat and heading for the kitchen. Her stomach had been growling all the way to Heidi’s house, demanding food.
“Witches aren’t allowed in the Land of Terran,” the cat commented, springing from the floor and onto the countertop when Azure entered the kitchen.
She scanned the space, ensuring she was alone with the animal. “What’s your name?” she asked the cat.
He blinked at her. “Toby.”
Cats were one of the animals witches and wizards utilized as familiars. Soul stones were restricted to Virgoans, but cats were connected to all witches and they were the only ones who could hear them talk, which they did too often, it seemed.
“Toby, I’m here to find out where my father is. He’s human. I have to use my human magic in order to locate him, but I don’t know how to do that.”
“You’ll need to fill your reserves,” the cat said from the countertop. “Go to the harvest this afternoon. It will be on the far side of the city, on the western side.”
“Harvest?” Azure said, remembering that the Duke had mentioned it during their encounter in the Dark Forest.
“Yes. You need to draw from whatever they bring in to use your human magic,” the cat said.
Azure yanked open a cabinet to find a row of strange foods. “Where’s the good stuff?” she asked aloud.
“In the cabinet next to the sink,” the cat said.
Azure abandoned the cabinet she had been exploring and ducked down to pull open the one next to the sink. “Cat food! That stuff probably tastes like three-day-old fish.”
“Well, you asked, and I told you,” Toby said.
“And they don’t even give you real food, but some imitation stuff,” Azure remarked, peering into the bag where round bits of food could be found.
“It tastes fine to me,” the feline countered.
“Well, in Virgo, we give our cats real fish, chicken, and beef,” she said, instantly feeling homesick. It had only been a day, but already she missed the smell of the House of Enchanted. She missed her mother, and even the wacky characters who could always be found rummaging around her home.
“Virgo. You’re a long way from home. I’ve heard my mistress’ guest speak of Virgo. It’s a gross place with horrible people,” the cat informed her.
“It’s a place where people give their cats proper food,” she corrected, pulling a box from the cupboard. It smelled of sugar, which was a good sign.
“I didn’t say those were my opinion
s, or even my mistress’s. I’m simply passing along information.”
Azure poked her finger at the pastry in the box and picked it up. It was round and had a hole in the middle. She sank her teeth into it and instantly wished she had a whole crate of these things. “What on Oriceran is this?” she asked, breathing in the deliciousness of the heavenly object in her hands.
“It’s a donut,” the cat answered. “Mistress takes hers with coffee on the weekend. She’ll be annoyed if you eat them all. They’re for special occasions.”
“What’s a weekend?” Azure asked, lowering the donut from her face.
“Oh, you’re a weird one,” the cat said, seeming to smile at her.
An odor attacked Azure’s nose, so she angled her head down to smell her armpits. “Smelly type, too,” she added, taking another large bite of the donut. “Where do I get clean?” Not only did she need to clean the Dark Forest off herself, but the wounds from the mermaid would need to be disinfected. Thankfully the seaweed had helped with the poison, but the cuts were still painful.
“Down the hall and to the right,” the cat told her.
“Follow me,” she said over her shoulder to the cat, finishing the donut off with two more bites. “I’m going to need your help figuring out how to work the human stuff and picking out my outfit.”
“But I’m supposed to be napping right now. Mistress will be sore with me if she shows up and I’m too tired to rub against her legs,” the cat protested.
“She’ll manage. I’m a witch on a mission, and I need your help. I do believe you’re still obligated to me, aren’t you?”
The cat jumped off the counter and looked up at Azure, a lazy expression in his eyes. “Yes, felines are forever bound to assist witches and wizards, even here in Terran. But I want you to scratch my belly something fierce after I help you,” he said.