by Jessie Cooke
We left Dallas that night and our next stop would be Chicago. I had a couple of days to think about it…
Kyle and I finished up the set to raucous applause. As I headed back to my seat, I saw my pretty girl getting up out of hers. She would be going onstage tonight to give a special tribute to a musician that was taken from this life way too young. She was nervous about it…it had been a long time since she’d been in front of so many people.
“Hey baby,” I caught her in the aisle and kissed the side of her face. “Are you ready for this?”
She smiled. God, she’s beautiful. “I think so. He deserves this and I owe it to him.”
“Do you need me to go up there with you?”
“No, I need to do this for myself. I need you to be waiting right here for me when I get back.”
I winked at her and kissed her again. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” I took my seat and watched her make her way backstage. I hoped that she knew I meant what I said. All I want out of life after tonight is to spend it with her, sitting on a ditch bank with a couple of little blonde headed kids and a goat at our feet. It’s my dream.
14
Bailey
For six months straight, I took my meds and I didn’t leave my father’s house unless I was with him or one of my brothers. Mostly, I only left to go see my therapist. I didn’t have any friends…I’d run all of those off years ago. I didn’t want anyone to recognize me, so I didn’t go to restaurants or malls…When I did have to leave, Daddy didn’t trust me to leave with the bodyguards since I had a history of giving them sexual favors to get what I wanted. I’m not a slut, but when I’m manic, I’ll do anything to get what I want. That’s a hard thing to explain to people. What I wanted and Daddy knew it, was Blake.
The day they came for me on the ranch is a blur in my memory now. I’d actually thought I was doing good, holding it together. Blake and I made love and I felt so close to him that I wanted to tell him everything. I opened my mouth and Nick spilled out and suddenly Blake was pissed and I was so confused that I barely remembered my own name. When Daddy and Carmine got there I tried to refuse to go, but I was never strong enough to stand up to him….especially when I was sick. I started declaring my love for Blake and that only made them more nervous, and more determined to get me out of there. Daddy told me later that it was reminiscent of the way I’d gotten about Nick.
The worst part of that day as I remember it was looking at Blake standing on the porch of the main house with Axel. He was looking at me as they brought me out of the cabin and loaded me into the car. I knew he was still angry with me…but he didn’t even say good-bye. At first it hurt my feelings…and then it made me angry. Eventually when I was stable on my medications again and sleeping and eating and thriving under my family’s care, I realized two things: My father did the right thing. If I’d stayed there with Blake, I would have continued to unravel. That could have ended very badly. The second thing I realized was that I didn’t have a right to be angry with Blake about anything. He had done something that most men in his position would have never done…he tried to help me. I was the one who owed him an apology and as soon as I could convince my father that I was well enough to see him, that’s what I intended to give him. That day came sooner than I imagined in the form of a beautiful cowboy on my front stoop.
I don’t know how long it took him, but Blake finally convinced my father to let him see me. He promised him that he wouldn’t upset me…just that we needed some closure. I was sitting out back in the garden reading a book. I had no idea he was there until my brother Gino led him outside.
“Pop says both of you stay right here in the yard.” Blake and I didn’t respond. He was looking at me with those pretty pale green eyes and I was trying to focus through the tears so I could see his beautiful face more clearly.
“Hi.”
“Hi. How are you?”
“Have a seat,” I told him. He took one and I said, “I’m better. Much better. It’s so good to see you.” He didn’t say anything to that and for a few minutes I thought he wasn’t going to say anything at all…but I’d forgotten that he just needs a little extra time sometimes.
“It’s good to see you too. I’m sorry to just show up, but I thought if I called first, your father might hide you away.”
I laughed. “That is a possibility. Blake, I owe you such a big apology for everything…”
“No, you really don’t. You didn’t know what you were doing. I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you. I really wanted to, you know?”
“I know. You were my knight in shining armor.”
“More like chain maul,” he said with traces of a smile. “I freaked out when you told me that you’re married. I had all of these ideas in my head already about where I wanted our relationship to go and then…”
“Blake…”
“Let me finish, please.”
“Okay.”
“I just had all of these emotions that I didn’t know what to do with. And because I was so worried about myself, I didn’t think enough about how hard it had to be on you…and your family…and your husband…”
“Blake…”
“I’m almost done. Just a minute. My point in all of this is that although I think I did the right thing by letting you go, I did the wrong thing by not talking to you before you left. I did the wrong thing by turning my back on you completely.”
“Blake.”
“Yes, go ahead…”
“Blake, do you know who Nicky Santoro is?” He furrowed his brow and said,
“Of course. Any kid who picked up a guitar in this decade knows who he is. He was the greatest guitar player that ever lived as far as I’m concerned…and he could sing…What does Nicky Santoro have to do with any of this?”
“Nicky and I ran off to Vegas when I turned eighteen. We got married…” Blake stood up out of the chair and I got the feeling he was going to bolt.
“That’s not possible. Nicky Santoro is dead.”
“Yeah…he is.”
“You said you saw him the day before we had the big blow-up….”
“I did see him. When I’m off my meds I see him and hear him as plain as day. He gives me advice and he guides me through some things that I wouldn’t be comfortable talking about anyone else with. But when I’m that sick…I don’t remember that he died.”
I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say to that. My head was spinning…and I was full of so many questions…What if I’d asked her more questions about him? What if I’d pushed the issue with Axel who obviously knew? What if, instead of spending the past six months trying to forget who I am so that I could also forget the woman I’d fallen in love with…I had just trusted my heart.
“I’m sorry Blake. I’m sorry that I sucked you into all of this. I would never want to hurt you. I’d never want to do to you, what I did to Nick.”
“What did you do to him? I mean, I know they had a restraining order…but ultimately Nicky Santoro died in a car accident with his mother. How is that your fault?”
“I was obsessed with him, so much so that he had to get a restraining order to keep me from showing up at his shows or during his studio time and screaming at him because I was jealous or acting like a fool in some other way. The restraining order didn’t stop me and although my father tried, he didn’t stop me either. I showed up after one of his shows after trading… “Favors” with one of my bodyguards so they would let me go. His mother saw me first before he did and she went ballistic. At the time, I thought she was nuts. She was trying to protect her son and I was the nutty one. Anyways, she started screaming at me to leave. I told her what a controlling bitch I thought she was and Nick got in between us. He pacified me by telling me he would text me later. When he never did I got more and more pissed. I was pissed at him for three days before my father finally told me he was dead. They said he was driving way too fast and he took a twenty-five mile an hour curve at about eighty. If I hadn’t shown up that night, he would
have probably never left the bus. I blamed myself for his death. I still have issues with it, especially when I’m sick. I think seeing and talking to him is my brain’s way of trying to convince me that he’s okay and that he’s in a better place. It’s my way of dealing with the guilt. When I’m well, I can handle it appropriately. When I’m sick, I have no idea what to do with emotions that huge.”
Blake and I didn’t work out our issues that day…but we took a baby step towards them. He told me that was Kyle’s advice to him…don’t rush it, take baby steps and you’ll end up where you want to be someday. We started seeing each other here and there…with Daddy’s approval. He did tell me that if I stopped taking my meds again he was going to lock me up in another country and throw away the key. Daddy’s brand of help always comes with a hefty dose of caustic reality.
Tonight is our official three month anniversary without drama. That’s how we count them now. As I make my way to the stage, I know that I can do this only because he is out there, watching me and rooting for me. When they call my name, the crowd responds with applause, they remember me.
“Hello everyone!” I held the mic out towards the audience to let them say hello. I breathed in their excitement and then I brought it back to my mouth and said, “Tonight is about the greatness of music and the way that it captures your soul. I knew a man once…a good, talented man, that was fond of saying, “When music gets into your soul…You live forever.” It was Nicky Santoro, and I have found out that he was right. This tribute tonight is for him, one of music’s greats who was taken from us way too soon. But ladies and gentleman…Nicky Santoro still lives. He lives in my head and my heart and he lives in your heads and your hearts. His music goes on and his soul lives in that as well.” I paused and looked out into the audience. My eyes fell on Blake and I said, “If Nick Santoro were here today and I asked him what one thing he wanted…anything he desired, he would say for his music to live on forever. He has his wish, because the music never ends…for any of us. No matter what the sound, each one of us has to learn to make our own music. Then when we finally meet the one we were meant to be with, our music can harmonize with theirs, rather than drowning them out.”
I let my eyes seek out Blake’s once more and when he smiled at me I could hear our harmony. I still had a lot left to say about Nick…but in that second I said my silent prayer for him and his mother and I thanked God for letting me have him in my life even for just a little while, and I took another step towards forgiving myself. Baby steps and music. Those are the keys.
Excerpt from Just like Grey
Chapter One
“Oh, come on Belinda! It’s not like I’m asking you to fuck a goat or something…”
“You’re insane, do you know that?”
I grinned and winked at the harried young brunette. “But you love me anyways…”
“No Axel, I don’t. I loved the perks of this job…but I’m done. I have to draw the line somewhere before you do ask me to fuck a goat.”
I rolled my eyes and said, “It’s all in fun, you know that…”
“I have a…” she looked over her shoulder and saw that the door was wide open. Leaning across the desk and putting those sexy red lips next to my ear she whispered, “I have a ginger root in my ass!” I couldn’t help it, I laughed. I’d read about this thing called “figging” and I’d wanted to try it for some time. The others had just flat refused. I’d been mightily impressed with Belinda for being so willing to try it. Was it my fault that her anus was deeper than most?
“Come on, it’s biodegradable. It’ll come out eventually. Did you use the enema?”
“Oh Jesus, I can’t believe we’re even having this bizarre conversation. We wouldn’t be if you hadn’t talked me into snorting almost a half a gram of cocaine. I’m a mess. I’ve gone way too far. I’m not Anastasia and you are no Mr. Grey! I quit Axel! That’s it, end of story!”
She turned and I tried once again not to laugh. She walked more like she had a broomstick up her ass than a simple root. Once I stopped laughing, I called the agency.
“Bolton Temps this is Maggie, how can I help you?”
“Hello there, Maggie. It’s your favorite customer.”
“Axel? Again? Really? What did you do to this one?”
“Maggie my love you should be my secretary. You’d be fabulous at it and I’d pay you so much more than you’re making running that little business of yours.”
“Axel, I’ve been around the block too many times,” the fifty-five-year-old grandmother of five told me. “You couldn’t keep up. But, if you don’t stop traumatizing my girls, I’m going to have to cut you off.”
“Send me one with balls this time…a really pretty one.”
“Don’t tempt me. I have a transvestite who still has all of her equipment. You want balls that’s what you’ll get.”
I laughed. “Maggie I love you. I’ll need the new girl here by two o’clock. You know what I like and I trust you. Make sure she’s slender and has long, dark hair. I’ll take it from there. I have an important meeting at two and I’ll need her to take notes. Tell her to plan on a late night.”
“Axel…”
“I love you Maggie, you’re a doll. When you’re ready to run away with me, I’ll give up every other woman for you.”
“I only have one girl available, Axel. She’s a doll, but she’s as vanilla as they come. Leave her alone, Axel. Use her as a secretary and get your red room entertainment elsewhere!”
“Oh Maggie, your dirty talk is turning me on babe. I have to run. I’ll expect her by two! Kisses!” I ended the call and laid the cell down on my desk. I was beginning to think Belinda running out on me might be a blessing in disguise. A “vanilla” one was just what I was looking for, but in this day and age they were hard to come by. I love to be able to mold them and offer the benefit of my experience to today’s youth.
The phone rang and I picked it back up. “Axel Maxwell.”
“Hi Mr. Maxwell…this is Samantha Daniels. I’m not sure if you remember me…”
“Of course! You’re Blake’s hot little sister.”
She giggled and said, “That’s right…the little sister part anyways. I was calling because I was going to be in New York next week. I’m visiting a friend and I was wondering if that offer to audition for you was still on the table?”
“Hmm…I think you definitely look the part of a hot new country artist…so we’re half-way there. But…I still have an issue with your brother and his lovely but…what is the politically correct term for crazy these days?”
She giggled again. It was the only thing about barely legal’s that bothered me. “I think it’s mentally ill. But Bailey…”
I didn’t have the time or the patience to listen to her defense of Bella Bailey Persico Clarke Daniels whatever-the-fuck-her-name-is-this-week. She’d stolen my freshest new country/rock artist and I was still pissed. “Whatever, I just can’t invest that kind of time and money in you and then have you leave me to go back to the farm.”
“I wouldn’t…I mean, I want to be a star Mr. Maxwell.” That’s what I like to hear, anything to be a star. If I recall, this one is slim with long dark hair. If my new secretary doesn’t work out, it would be nice to have a back-up. I’d even bet this one was a virgin.
“When will you be in town?”
“Friday afternoon.”
“Be in my office at…” I pretended I was looking at a calendar. The truth was, without a secretary I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I knew about the meeting at two today only because Belinda reminded me about it before she quit. I think I might have to be in L.A. by tomorrow…but I’m sure I’ll be back by Friday. “Two p.m.” If I’m double-booked, she can wait. I’m worth it.
“I’ll be there. Thank you so much.” That Texas accent was too cute. Even if the secretary does work out, I might have to give this one a shot. My cock was twitching at the sound of her voice.
I ended that call and looked at the clock. It w
as almost noon. That would explain why I was suddenly starving. I grabbed the keys to my Aston and headed out to get some lunch. I’m embarrassingly attached to the Tuscan Peasant soup and grilled cheese at E.A.T. on Madison Avenue. I wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but I only heard about it one night when I’d had too much blow and the chick I was with freaked out on me over a simple spanking…sheesh! Anyways, there’s not much on television at night I found out. I ended up watching a delightful cooking show with a barefoot cook that sings. I don’t think her feet were really bare…but she did sing. She sang about the Tuscan Peasant soup and grilled cheese. The wait from three a.m. to eleven when E.A.T. was finally open was unbearable…although worth it, so now I eat there as often as I can.
“Hello Mr. Maxwell,” the impeccable hostess said as I walked in the door. “Would you like your usual table?”
I took her hand and kissed it. She blushed. “I would love it. Thank you, Clarisse.” She led me back to my table. I liked that it was in the far back for more than one reason. One of the top ones was that it gave me the opportunity to watch Clarisse’s ass as she led me across the floor. We had almost made it when I heard,