by Daleen Berry
I rode down the hill several times until everyone began pairing off, but when Neal brushed a strand of hair from my eyes and asked me to stay, I was no longer the rebel, happy to have broken out of her jail cell bedroom. The last ounce of defiance had drained away, and I headed home. I knew my irate mother was waiting, but I could handle that. Because I would also find in her those things I was most comfortable with, which had always sustained me and given me purpose.
I had so much free time during Eddie’s absence I started hanging out with the girlfriends I had neglected. Looking back, I wasn’t sure how it happened. Somehow Eddie gradually took more and more, until there was none left for anyone else. But soon, I was having slumber parties where we stayed up half the night eating popcorn and watching movies, or having rowdy pillow fights.
During the big snowfall, Dad returned from Martinsburg for a weekend visit, and taught me how to operate the snowmobile he used at remote job sites. Roaring through the white fields gave me a sense of control and power I craved. Little in my life was within my control, so those hours spent on the snowmobile, my hand on the throttle as the big machine went faster and faster, gave me that. Not only did I have complete control sitting astride it, I was the only teen in the neighborhood with a snowmobile, so I achieved immediate popularity, as neighbor kids waited for an invitation to join me. Which I gladly extended, happy to have friends join me for the night rides I loved, when the silver moonbeams bounced off the ice-encrusted snow, casting reflections in every direction.
When school resumed that fall I was a sophomore—who was free of a boyfriend. Boys suddenly went out of their way to get my attention, and I instinctively raised my guard until they lost interest. But I didn’t give the cold shoulder to a new transfer student who began teasing me. The day I looked up to see Jay Alexander striding down the school bus aisle, a mischievous twinkle in those robin egg eyes, told me exactly what he had in mind.
“Is this seat taken?” Jay’s smile was blinding, his teeth even and white.
I gave him a nervous smile and a half-nod, and he sat down.
“I didn’t think so,” Jay grinned. I couldn’t help but notice the way his blond hair waved and curled over the edge of his shirt collar.
We began sitting together every day. If he had football practice after school I missed the way he made me laugh, so I began making excuses to stay after myself—just to watch him practice. When friends teased us about being a couple, we both denied it was anything other than platonic, but I knew Jay enjoyed seeing me squirm whenever someone said it. I began wondering if it was his way of hoping our relationship might become romantic.
After I met Jay, I began wishing I had never known Eddie, and found myself hoping he never returned. Jay wasn’t just nice; he was sincerely interested in what I said, and teased me about being “a brain.” The best part, though, was how different the physical contact was with Jay, which only occurred during those daily bus rides, when our shoulders or maybe our legs would lightly touch.
Jay could never know that after the first time in Eddie’s bed, I had secretly promised myself to him. But with Eddie gone, I began having second thoughts. He never called or wrote, and any news I heard came from Kim or his mom. The day after I told myself we were through, Eddie returned. I came home from school to find his truck in our driveway. I was so disappointed, and found myself thinking about Jay.
I slammed the heavy front door as I went inside, yelling for Mom.
“I’m in here,” she said.
In the kitchen, Mom was scraping her famous butter cream icing from a bowl. A chocolate cake sat near her elbow, and Mom placed the last dollop on top.
“What’s Eddie doing here?”
Mom turned away from the cake. “He’s out back, unloading firewood.”
“Jerk,” I muttered under my breath.
“He got a new job, in the coal mines. Isn’t that great?”
I stayed silent.
“Look, I know you’re still mad at him for leaving, but he even offered to bring us coal from where he works. He’s really eager to help.”
I bet he is! But what else is he eager for?
“As long as you don’t expect me to entertain him. I’m too busy to spend time listening to those tall tales he tells.” I turned away, but not before I caught her quizzical expression.
“What happened to make you so crabby?”
I shrugged. “Nothing. I just think, sometimes, he isn’t exactly honest.”
“Well, he’s always been prone to exaggeration, but if he’s here helping, what difference does it make?”
I headed for my bedroom, needing some privacy. “None, I guess,” I grumbled.
But as Eddie became a regular visitor, it grew hard to ignore his efforts to gain my forgiveness. It wasn’t long until his playfulness caused me to talk to him again. I convinced myself he was a good guy because he always wanted to help, and I learned he was really proud of being a union coal miner. He talked of little else and I could tell he felt less like an outsider, and more like he had joined the ranks of his closest friends, whose families had been in the mines for generations. He seemed to believe being a coal miner gave him a special status.
After he brought us coal when Mom was worried about being able to afford it, took us places when her car broke down, and fixed our leaky water faucets, I slowly dropped my guard. Gradually, I began to think he really did care about me. Maybe he was trying to make up for everything that had gone wrong between us.
Without even realizing it, we began “dating.” Mom usually insisted we take along a chaperone, but a few times Eddie arranged things so we were alone. Then time fell away and I was thirteen all over again, as helpless as a cornered mouse, waiting for a menacing cat to pounce.
We were alone the night we went to see “Gone With the Wind.” When Eddie suggested we sit in the very back row of the theatre, I groaned. I wanted to say “no,” but didn’t know how.
He did drive me here, and paid for my ticket. Plus, he took me shopping and bought me new clothes. It was as though my mind had a hundred reasons I should be agreeable.
But I struggled throughout the movie to keep his hands off of me, and when it was over, I swore I would never go anywhere with him again. Darkness had fallen during the drive home. Eddie patted the seat beside him. “I won’t bite you,” he said, grinning at me.
I moved just enough to make him happy, but not so much we would be touching. One arm went around me, as he steered with his other arm.
I froze. “I’m fine where I am.”
His fingers brushed against my breast, and I tensed up immediately. “Eddie, please,” I began.
“Oh come on. It won’t hurt anything, and besides, it feels good, doesn’t it?”
I clenched my teeth together, as I tried to remove his hand. He held it there tightly and I finally sat there, staring stonily ahead. Suddenly he turned into an abandoned lane beside the main road.
“What are you doing?” I demanded.
He turned off the lights and pulled the emergency brake. The noise it made could have been my own jarred nerves. “I want to go home,” I told him quietly.
But he wasn’t listening. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me and began kissing my neck and my face. “I need you. Please don’t tell me ‘no.’ I took you to the movies, didn’t I?” Eddie asked.
“But this is wrong. I already told you—” His mouth cut off my words and the next thing I knew I was lying on my back on the seat, my blouse and bra around my neck.
“Please. I want to be married before we do this,” I pleaded with him.
“We’re going to get married someday, so it’s all right.” He had my jeans unzipped and was tugging at them while I held on tightly with both hands. But he was stronger than I was, and I soon found myself staring up at the ceiling.
Somewhere, Scarlett and Rhett were in a carriage, riding furiously past burning buildings, desperate to escape from Atlanta.
Over and over the scene replayed itself
in my mind until Eddie sat up and pulled up his pants, leaving me to fix my shirt and jeans.
He reached out and tried to touch me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me, I won’t do it again, I promise.”
I was silent, leaning against the door as far as I could.
He sounded close to tears as he mumbled, “I’m really sorry.”
I was too tired to speak. I was also terrified I would end up pregnant. I tried to convince myself what we had done wasn’t wrong. Besides, it had already happened so many times it didn’t matter. I knew God would never forgive me. But it didn’t stop me from asking him to—and begging him to not let me get pregnant.
My relationship with Jay was doomed after that night. Jay knew Eddie had returned, and one day he told me he was going to find a way to make Eddie jealous. Jay’s words were light and off-handed, but with them I sensed he wanted more than just friendship. Eddie was working late one Friday night when I went to a school football game, telling myself what Eddie didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. After the game, I was waiting for him to leave the locker room when I saw him walking toward me. Jay had changed from his football uniform into blue jeans and when he patted my back, I noticed how his hand seemed to linger where it fell against my hair. My cheeks grew warm as I looked at him.
His eyes looked like puppy dog eyes, and my heart fell. What I’d suspected all along was true. He did want more than just friendship. I felt sick with shame.
So do I, Jay. But I can’t. I’m used, and if you knew that, you wouldn’t want anything to do with me.
We rode home with one of Jay’s friends, but after walking me to my front door, Jay hesitated.
“See you Monday.” I smiled.
“Can I call you tomorrow? There’s something I want to ask you.” Jay sounded nervous as he turned to leave. I could only nod my head and try to smile.
Inside, I leaned against the door and sighed deeply, knowing he wouldn’t get the chance, because I was going to break his heart. A sense of sadness settled upon me, for something that could never be.
I can’t ever be with anyone else. Eddie took care of that.
When Jay called, I told Mom I didn’t feel well.
“I’m sorry, Jay, can I take a message?” I heard her say.
“No, nothing serious,” Mom said, scribbling something on a scrap of paper. “I’ll be sure to tell her,” she said.
“Jay said he hopes you feel better, and asked if you’ll call him when you do.”
The paper had a phone number I already knew by heart, and I stuck it inside a book. I didn’t return his calls, and by Monday I knew Jay sensed the change in me. I had crawled back into my shell, knowing there could never be anything between us.
I’m not worthy of you, Jay. If only you knew the truth, you’d hate me.
We spoke less and less, until we eventually stopped sitting together. I hated losing Jay’s friendship, because I knew he truly cared for me. By the end of my sophomore year, I heard he was going steady with someone else.
The following spring Dad told Mom he was going to work in Amman, Jordan, and she promised to join him there. They agreed I could stay behind, attend summer school and stay with a family friend so I could graduate a year early.
Dad was home preparing for his overseas trip when Eddie stopped by one weekend. Dad’s demeanor clearly implied he didn’t like Eddie being around his daughter. Deep down, I knew Dad was right when he said he wouldn’t sign the papers so we could get married when I asked if he would.
That wasn’t all, though.
“Your dad thinks you could do better,” Mom whispered.
But I have to get married, to pay for my sins.
I knew my father was hurt, because his ultimate dream was for me to obtain a master’s degree in music or the arts at some prestigious college. Dad refused to say anything else, except he would not allow us to get married.
“But Mom married you when she was sixteen,” I complained, thinking about the girls my age who were already married. It seemed to be a trend in our community. Granted, most of them had gotten pregnant first. But once in awhile, you saw a couple where a baby hadn’t been the defining factor in their decision.
Eddie stood silently aside, while I did all the talking. “I said ‘no’ and that’s final.” Dad’s jaw was set.
Eddie finally spoke. “We should probably listen to him, Daleen.”
I glared at him. He was so mealy-mouthed, afraid to say how he really felt. Or was he? Standing there looking at him, I realized I didn’t even know.
In June, Mom—who was six-weeks-pregnant—took my sisters and joined Dad in the Middle East. I stayed in Martinsburg with family friends until summer school ended. The Baylors were so close-knit and happy. I loved being with them. Although close to Kelby, their oldest son, I got along well with his younger brother, Brian, and even enjoyed playing with Tommy, who was a little older than Jackie. During the week, the two older boys would walk me to school, and when I returned in the afternoon, after chores and dinner, we would spend time listening to music or running around town.
Every weekend I rode an Amtrak train back to Preston County to stay with the Leighs. There someone would meet me at the train station. On the Martinsburg end, Kelby and Brian walked me down to the depot, carrying my suitcase. We stood and talked, trying to pass the time until the train came. Kelby never said it, but I knew he didn’t want me to leave. Or rather, he didn’t like that I would see Eddie during the weekend. For some reason, Kelby had taken an immediate dislike to Eddie.
I tried not to think about Kelby or Eddie during those rides across the lush, green countryside. They gave me a chance to dream, to read or to simply enjoy my time alone. It made me feel grown up. Still, I was a little nervous at the sight of all the strange men who boarded it each weekend. Most of them wore business suits, and just sat there reading the newspaper or playing chess, making them look harmless. But I had to force myself to stop thinking about how they might try to hurt me. Closing my eyes, I gave myself a pep talk, reasoning that the chances of them trying to rape me were pretty slim. Each time, after I overpowered the fear in my brain, I could calm down and enjoy the ride.
But that didn’t stop me from watching my fellow passengers during the six-hour journey, trying to guess by their manners and grooming what their lives must be like, off the train. I looked at the other women and wondered if they had all had experiences like me. Or if their smiles, like mine, hid secrets deeply buried under layers of shame and worthlessness.
Then came the weekend I missed the train. I was upset because it would be another week before I could go home again. Kim and I had a big weekend planned, and she was supposed to meet me at the station. When I called to tell her what happened, Mrs. Leigh answered, and offered to send Eddie to get me. That was the last thing I wanted. I tried to say ‘no,’ but in the end I said I guessed it would be all right.
Kelby confronted me afterward.
“I’m sorry if you think you love him. You aren’t ready for marriage. I’m a year older than you and I’m nowhere near ready. Besides, he gives me the creeps. What business does a man his age have with a girl who’s only fifteen?”
Kelby’s words annoyed me.
“He loves me, that’s what. Besides, I’ll be sixteen in August!”
Kelby scoffed.
I told him Eddie had good qualities, and he was just like family. That didn’t matter to Kelby, who had his mind made up. You’re just jealous. If you really get to know Eddie, you would see how nice he is. But something kept me from saying it and a little voice deep within me said Kelby was just concerned. It also said something else.
You’re lying. Eddie doesn’t love you. If he did, he wouldn’t touch you the way he does. He wouldn’t keep breaking his promises to you.
Kelby and his family were going away that weekend, so they were gone by the time Eddie arrived. When I went upstairs to get my suitcase, he followed me. I usually slept in the lower twin bunk in Tommy’s bedroom, and a
s I started to move toward it, Eddie grabbed me and tried to push me down onto it.
“Eddie, quit it. Not here. It isn’t right!” I pushed him away and for once he meekly listened, laughing as he patted my bottom.
I locked up and we got into Eddie’s truck. When he had been on the road for a couple of hours, I woke up from where I was lying on the seat to find us pulling into a roadside stop. I wasn’t quite awake. “What? What’s wrong?” I asked.
“It’s all right. I just stopped to get some sleep. I’m really tired and can hardly keep my eyes open. I only got two hours’ sleep last night.” He was spreading out a sleeping bag behind the seat, where there was a large space for storage. “Come on, you can lie back here with me,” he said, climbing over the seat.
“That’s all right. I’ll stay up here. There’s not enough room back there for both of us.”
No, please Dear God. Not again. Please help me not to let him touch me.
I could feel the shivering begin.
He grabbed me, playfully pulling me down on top of him. “Look, there’s enough room if we sleep like this,” he said, beginning to kiss me. I felt his hands slide down my back, across my buttocks, where they stayed. “See, now, isn’t that nice?”
In my mind I saw a patrol car stop, and a police officer come over to the truck, finding us undressed. I saw him take me away, and throw Eddie in jail. The thought terrified me.
“I want to sleep up front. I’m not really tired anyway. I already slept.” I tried to argue. His hands were inside my jeans, and as I began to struggle, he laughed like it was a game, and wrestled me around until I was beneath him.
“Please, Eddie, no, not here.” I begged, hearing the desperation in my voice. I don’t want to get pregnant. Not now, not yet.
He didn’t even seem to hear, and was unfastening my jeans, as one hand reached between my legs.
“You make me so hot! If only you weren’t so sexy, and didn’t make me so hot!” He leaned closer and began nibbling at my ear.
I kept seeing the policeman, over and over again, as he took possession of my body. I didn’t move, didn’t even try to get away. Then he was through and climbed off.