by Dale, Lindy
“Justin said he was drooling over you.”
I made a mental note to slap Justin the next time I saw him. The last thing I needed was another paranoid boyfriend. My own chaotic feelings were enough to deal with. One minute I was happy to see Ben again and the next I wanted him to leave. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to strangle him for the things he’d done or kiss him.
“Was he?” I said, “Can’t say I noticed. Anyway, people always check each other out to see how they’ve changed. I look heaps different to the way I did when I was fifteen. I was such a nerd.”
“I can’t imagine you ever being a nerd.” His face was serious. “Did you go out with him?”
“I did, but it was a long time ago. I’ve changed. I’m not fifteen anymore.”
He laughed, pulling me into his arms. “Lucky for me…. or I’d be up on charges.”
The little devil inside whispered in my ear…and Ben would still be your lover.
***
“Why didn’t you tell me Ben’s back?” Prue looked at me from over the top of her mug. Her voice was cool but I could by the clench of her hand on the mug that she was building up to throw a fit.
“How did you know?”
“It doesn’t matter how I know. What I want to know is why you didn’t say anything. Are you trying to pretend he doesn’t exist?”
I sipped my coffee and tried to pretend her question didn’t exist. “Did Justin tell you?”
“Yes. He said you nearly fell into your drink when you saw him.”
“I was shocked. What did he expect? And I didn’t tell you because there’s nothing to tell. Ben shares a flat with Justin. End of story.”
I put my roll down on the plate and tried to loosen my shoulders. Since Ben had come back into my life they were so tight, I couldn’t relax. I was always on my guard, waiting for him to pounce but he didn’t. What annoyed me the most was that I didn’t know if I was happy about his lack of pouncing or not, and dealing with confusion on a daily basis was not something I longed to do.
“You could no more be friends with Ben than I could be Miss World. If you two aren’t lovers you’re nothing.”
“Don’t remind me. I’m living it every night when I go to sleep.”
“What?”
“I’ve been having this dream, where Ben comes to me in the hospital but I never see the ending. I always wake up. It’s getting more pornographic every time I have it.”
“So, what’re you going to do about it?”
“The same as you’ve been doing since you fell in love with Justin four years ago. Nothing.”
“Oh, cut me to the core, you cow. You know I threw myself at him but he wasn’t interested. Besides, my love life is not the topic. I want to know what you’re going to do about Ben.”
“Nothing at all. He’s been back for a month. He’s met Coops, he’s seen we’re happy and he hasn’t made a single move. He hasn’t even mentioned the past.”
“That’s weird. I would’ve thought he’d be chasing you ‘round the bed by now.”
“Hmm, well he’s not. I think he wants to be friends.”
“As if.”
I groaned into my lunch. “It’s so frustrating not knowing what’s going on inside his head.”
“Oh, I think we both know what’s going on inside his head.”
***
The easiest thing to do, I decided, was to avoid Ben. If I didn’t see him, I wouldn’t think about him. He’d be like the Easter eggs I had stashed in the top of the pantry to remove temptation. Somewhere inside my hallucinatory brain, it sounded like a solid plan. So I stopped dropping by the Inn to chat with Nick. I signed up for a wine appreciation class. I even passed up invitations to Justin’s place, unless I knew Ben wasn’t there or I was with Coops, of course. He was my shield, my force field against the alien invader. And such a darling Luke Skywalker he made with his light sabre at the ready to protect my honour. It was pointless though. Nothing worked.
It wasn’t long before Justin became suspicious. He knew me too well. So, having lured me to his place with the suggestion of freshly brewed coffee, pizza and an afternoon of Saturday Night Fever on video, he knew had me captive. There was nowhere to hide.
“You’re going to have to be in a room with him at some stage.”
“I don’t want to be in a room with him, I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I’m only being nice to him because he’s your housemate. Now, shut up and watch the movie.” Justin had no idea how much damage such thoughts could do to all of us.
He laughed as he went to the kitchen. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on but it’s only a matter of time before I find out.”
“There’s nothing ‘going on’, as you put it. You, of all people should know that I don’t do that any more. Dangerous Liaisons is no longer my favourite movie, despite the fact that I would have loved to be the Michele Pfeiffer character. She had awesome costumes.”
“I know you wouldn’t cheat on Coops, Bella, but the look on your face every time you see Ben is priceless.”
“Am I that transparent?”
Justin wandered back in, and handing me my mug, sat down on the floor beside me. He took a slice of pizza from the box. “What’s the deal with you two, anyway? Was he some guy you lusted after in school? And before you ask, I’ve already quizzed Ben and Prue. You’ll be pleased to know that neither of them would spill the beans.”
“I don’t think I should tell you anything, you’re such a dobber. It took ages to get Prue off my back after you opened your big mouth.”
“I was only filling her in on the comings and goings of my week. It wasn’t a spy on Bella session. I gave those up years ago. Far too boring!”
On the screen, John Travolta was going through his moves. It was time to come clean.
“Ben is special to me, he was my first love and we had this on-off relationship. We have this sort of bond thing, it’s hard to explain.”
“You’re not going to throw some sort of cosmic karma crap at me are you, because you know I think that’s rubbish.”
“I saved his life.”
“What? With your golden lasso?”
I glared at him.
“This is important, Jus. I’ve loved Ben since forever but I’d resigned myself to the fact that I’d never see him again. Now he’s here, being all as nice as pie, with the let’s-be-friends stuff. I’m so confused. Ben’s not like that at all. He always gets what he wants and in the past that was me.”
“Oh. I gather Coops is not privy to this fact?”
“No. I’ve been trying to tell him for weeks but there’s no easy way without making it sound like I want to jump Ben’s bones again.” The fact of the matter was that I was becoming more unsure of how I felt as the weeks passed. Until Ben had come back I was content, ready to settle down with Coops, but his return had thrown my world into turmoil.
“So from the way you’re flicking that cigarette around, my guess is, jumping Ben’s bones is what you want to do. Right?”
“You don’t understand Jus’, women turn orgasmic at the mention of his name, for God’s sake. He’s irresistible. What am I s’posed to do?”
“Buy a vibrator?”
“You’re not helping…”
“You could throw yourself at him. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen you do that.”
“Don’t be disgusting…” I was mortified that he could even think it of me now. In the time since Coops and I had become a couple infidelity had become a dirty word. “Oh God, I don’t know what I want and Ben’s driving me nuts. He never ignores me. He’s definitely up to something. What do you reckon?”
“Ignoring could mean either of two things. One, he might not want you anymore which I know sounds ridiculous, given that all men find you sexy. But, like you said, it was a long time ago and you were both young. He could be over you. It does happen.”
I shuddered at the thought.
“What’s the second reason?”
“He do
esn’t want to step on Coops’ toes. Ben looks like the type of guy who wants to play fair and everyone can see Coops is crazy for you. Has been for years. From the day you two finally got it on, he’s had this fulfilled look on his face.”
“Shit.”
“Is that because you’ve burnt your tongue on the coffee, or have I said something that got you thinking?”
“Both,” I sighed and looked out the window.
After a minute I spoke again. “It can’t be because of Coops. I know Ben and when it comes to love, he never plays fair. There must be something else.”
“Well, if there is, it’s got me beat.”
“Jus, do you remember when I was in hospital?” I asked.
“Yep. Although your period of drug use and debauchery is a time I’d happily erase from my memory. You were almost, dare I say it, slutty and you were so damn skinny you could have been mistaken for a pencil.”
I shivered. His description was a little too close to home. “I had this dream, then. Ben came. He told me he’d love me forever. He was crying. Now, the dream’s come back. It’s haunting me. D’you think it means something?”
“You love him?”
“No, I love Coops, you know I do.”
“Then you’ve got to figure out what you want. Coops won’t give you up without a fight. He’s already sussed Ben was more than a friend.”
I shook my head, sadly. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt Coops. I love him so much.”
“Then you know what to do.”
I hopped up and walked to the door. “I have to go.”
“Don’t you want to stay and see the big dance off scene?”
I looked at him queerly. “No. Coops’ll be back from footy and we’ve got a hot date with bubble bath and a bottle of wine,” which was code for ‘Ben could be home at any minute and I couldn’t face him.
Justin flicked the TV off and stood to follow. He held the door open for me. “On a happier note, this conversation shows how much you’ve grown up, Bella. You would never have told me this stuff years ago. You’d have got stoned.”
I smiled.
“I know. I couldn’t talk about it. I lost Ben and I searched for him. I looked and looked, in all the wrong places. I realise that now. But he’s here and I don’t know if I can do it again. I’m tired of being hurt and I’m scared.”
Justin hugged me, that big brotherly bear hug that never failed to warm my heart. “Don’t be. We’re your friends and we’ll love you, no matter what, as long as you do what you think is right.”
***
I thought about it for weeks. I thought about Ben while I waited for him to appear at my door. I thought about it as I snuggled on the couch at night with Coops. I thought about those two so much it was a wonder my brain didn’t implode. At last, I thought I had it figured out. Justin had been right. Ben only wanted to be friends, and that was fine by me. I could handle being friends. And I had Coops. He was my man. I loved him. But then, something changed and it was only because of my paranoia that I noticed it at all.
At first, I thought it was coincidence. Then I saw that smile and I knew he was doing it on purpose. The ignoring had mutated into a subtle form of torment that only I was aware of. To everyone else he was a friendly, charming guy but to me he was like a lion, toying with his prey before he went in for the kill. I was the defenceless little mouse. He’d begun to play the teasing game that I’d played with him years before, twisting my words and thoughts in that smutty little way that made me want him.
“Are you following me?” I asked one night as we sat at our usual table at the Inn. Coops, unaware of my trauma, had gone to the bar, to get a round of drinks.
Ben’s eyes had twinkled. “I don’t know, Pussycat, you’re telling the story.” He’d taken to calling me ‘Pussycat’ again, even humming the damn song, but only when the others were out of earshot.
“Stalker.”
“There’s heaps of things I’d like to do to you, but stalking isn’t high on the list. Perhaps I should revise it?”
I picked a piece of ice from my glass and threw it at him, watching as he plucked it out of the air with his left hand and threw it back landing it squarely down my shirt. “Ben, that’s cold!”
“Want me to get it out?” His eyes were all over me, making me burn even through the cold of the ice. “I’m very good with ice and all manner of slippery things.”
“No. Thank. You. And in future I’d like it if you left me alone.”
“If that’s what you want,” he said, getting up and leaving the table, but not before he’d tossed a few more cubes in my direction.
I was still fishing them out of my bra when Coops got back with the drinks. “What was all that about?”
“Just Ben, being an idiot.”
“He’s pretty funny.”
“Hmm.” About as funny as a comedian at a funeral, and it would probably be mine. The time for funny business was long past.
***
There was nobody around when I opened the door to Justin’s place. He’d invited me for dinner, cooked by Ben. The thought made me squeamish but Coops and the others would be there to protect me. Ben never played his games when they were around. Closing the door behind me, I walked through the living room. The stereo was pumped to the max, playing ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ and as I reached the kitchen, I was greeted by the sight of Ben, wielding a knife to what was obviously some life threatening prosciutto and singing at the top of his lungs with his back to me. Around his waist, he had a black chef’s apron.
Leaning against the fridge, I checked out the muscles in his shoulders as he chopped and arranged, stopping occasionally to sing the chorus but still unaware that I was watching.
“Nice work, don’t think Bon Jovi has much to worry about, though.”
Ben jumped. “Bella. You scared the crap out of me.”
“Got any more songs in your repertoire or is Bon Jovi about it?”
He put the knife down and leant back on the bench, wiping his flour covered hands on the apron. His smile was wide and sexy. I wanted to melt.
“How about Tom Jones?” he drawled, taking a step towards me, and breaking into a bad version of ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ The musky smell of his aftershave made me dizzy and I held my breath as he leant over me, his knees brushing against my thigh.
“Stick to Bon Jovi, at least it’s from this century.”
Moving away, I hopped up to sit on the kitchen bench, beside where he’d gone back to his chopping. I plucked an olive from the dish, sucking the sour juice into my mouth.
“Where is everyone?”
“Justin’s gone to the bottle shop and you’re the first to arrive. So I guess that means we’re alone.”
He turned and stared at me. It was eternity in a second.
“I guess it does.”
Reaching over, he topped up his glass with red wine. Then, grabbing another glass, he poured one for me. “Have some. It’s a ’79. Great year… Cheers.”
“Mmm, you too.” God. He was doing it again. As if he would’ve forgotten the year we met.
Ignoring him I pointed to the chopping board. The prosciutto looked inviting. “Can I have a bit?” I asked.
Picking up a slither, he popped it in my mouth, his fingers lingering on my lips. “You can have whatever you want Pussycat.”
I licked my lips. They tasted salty from the meat, “I think I’d like some more.”
“I’m sure you would. How about right now?”
Nearly breathless, I felt him move towards me, placing an arm on either side of the bench, trapping me. My heart was thudding so hard in my chest I thought it’d burst. His head came closer and remembered our first kiss all those years ago and knew I felt exactly the same. I still loved him and there was a definite danger that I’d be showing him just how much if I didn’t move that instant. His lips were hovering way too close.
“Hello? Anyone home?” The front door creaked open. It was Luke Skywalke
r.
“Fuck.” Ben released me and went back to his chopping, pretending the intended kiss wasn’t hanging in the air over us like his devil’s horns.
“We’re in the kitchen,” I called sliding along the bench, away from him.
Coops poked his head around the door. His eyes were glacial, all of a sudden. “Hey…”
He walked over, squeezing me a little tighter than usual, and shoved his six pack into the beer fridge. “Where’ve you been all day?”
“Shopping. I found this great new skirt and shirt. Here, try this.” I handed him a wine.
“Nice,” he nodded, placing his arm around my shoulder.
“It’s Ben’s, good isn’t it?”
“Yeah. How’s it going, Ben?” His face was smiling as he shook Ben’s hand but his eyes looked like a slow death with bamboo skewers and water wouldn’t have been out of the question if he got the chance. Justin was right. He was always right. Coops was having to face a past he hadn’t been involved in and he didn’t know how to react. Every time I moved, his eyes followed. Every time I sat, he was beside me. I knew I had to deal with it but before I could, there were things I needed to sort out with Ben. I had to know where I stood and why he was playing a game with me that I wanted no part of.
***
After dinner, I found Ben in the kitchen, with his hands in the soapy suds of the sink, humming to himself as he washed the ramekins.
“Do you want a hand with that?” I asked, taking the tea towel from the bench beside him.
For the second time in as many hours, he jumped. “Jesus, will you stop sneaking up on me.”
“Sorry. I wanted to talk to you. It’s pretty difficult with Coops watching my every move like a lovesick puppy.”
Ben smiled; he looked cute with his shirtsleeves rolled up and his hands in the sink. The boyish cleft in his chin was there still, hidden beneath his designer stubble. “You tend to have that effect on men.”
The colour flooded my cheeks; the burning went way down to my heart.
“He really loves you, you know,” he said.
“I know, it’s been that way since the first day he did his Richard Gere on me. But it’s not what I want, anymore.”