He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. “After Dan was killed, I’d dream I was running towards his helicopter before it exploded. I ran for that damn helicopter a thousand times and every time I was too late.”
He dropped his hands to his sides. “It’s all so goddam unfair. So pointless. Megan was fourteen years old when she died. And Hope…she was going to medical school when she got out of the Army. Dan had a wife and son waiting for him back home. Why the hell couldn’t it have been me?”
He could feel his pulse starting to race, and he fought to control it. “And then that IED…” He shook his head. “Talk about a wasted miracle. If God wanted to hand one out, there were better candidates out there.”
He took a deep breath, and then another one. “So don’t expect me to spout crap about hearts and flowers and soul mates and fairy tales. I’ll never be able to give you that. But I can give you everything else that makes a marriage work. Friendship, and respect, and loyalty. Some people go their whole lives without getting that.”
Erin had wrapped her arms around her waist, above the baby. “Jake, I know how much you’ve lost. You’ve lost more than anyone should ever have to. But…” She paused. “If you don’t let yourself love, will that protect you? Will it hurt less if something terrible happens to me or the baby?”
His hands clenched into fists and a throbbing pain started at his temple. “Don’t talk about something happening to you. Don’t ever talk about that. And it’s not like I’m choosing not to love. Didn’t you hear what I said? If I could love you the way you want me to, I would. But I can’t. If you accept that, I think we can have a good life together.”
She got that stubborn look on her face—the one he knew so well.
“I don’t accept that. And I’m not going to marry the pieces of yourself you’re offering me. I want the whole package.”
He looked at her in frustration. “Erin, it’s not like I’m holding something back. This is everything I have to give. There’s nothing else.”
She took a step closer to him and pressed her hand flat to his chest, over his heart. “I don’t believe it. You’re not dead, Jake—just wounded.”
She was so earnest and fierce and sweet and stubborn. But looking down at her, feeling her small, strong hand pressed against his chest, he knew for certain that what he’d told her was true.
Because if any part of him was capable of the kind of love she wanted, he wouldn’t be able to resist her. He would fall at her feet right now and tell her all the things she wanted to hear.
“I’m sorry.”
Erin let her hand drop. “Jake—”
He grabbed his jacket from the back of the couch and left without looking back.
Chapter Fourteen
Two weeks before her due date, Jake started sleeping on her couch. Maybe they weren’t destined for a storybook romance, but he was there for her when she needed him and Erin was grateful for that. The truth was, she couldn’t have made it through the last weeks of her pregnancy without him.
He cooked for her, he cleaned the house, and when he found out they were both sci fi/fantasy fans he brought her the original Star Trek series on DVD, followed by Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Lost. They argued back and forth about which were the best episodes of each show, and the evenings they spent watching each other’s favorites were more fun than Erin would have liked to admit.
When she woke up in the middle of the night, he brought her warm milk with honey and went through the relaxation exercises they’d learned in childbirth class until she fell asleep again.
She’d never been so physically uncomfortable in her life. Every day felt like a week, and when her due date came and went she thought she’d go out of her mind.
“Matthew came ten days late,” Allison reminded her when she stopped by for a visit with her seven week old son. Erin was almost a week overdue.
“I can’t wait that long,” she said, appalled. “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can hardly breathe. This baby has got to come out, and I mean now.”
“If you can hang on until tomorrow you can have her on Valentine’s Day. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a Valentine baby? People will always remember her birthday.”
“What would be wonderful would be to go into labor right now. Right this second.” She looked down at her stomach. “Come on, kid, work with me.”
Allison gave her a kiss on the cheek as she got up to leave. “Does Jake have the route to the hospital all mapped out?”
“He’s got everything all mapped out. He bought that special kind of detergent you’re supposed to use on baby clothes, and rewashed all the things I’d already washed. Apparently my regular detergent isn’t good enough for our daughter.”
Allison looked delighted. “That’s adorable.”
“It is sort of adorable, but he’s starting to make me feel insecure. He returned the car seat I bought and got a different one instead. It was twice as expensive as the one I’d gotten. It’s a good thing people are ready to spend obscene amounts of money on custom motorcycles, because Jake is spending money on this baby like a drunken sailor.” She frowned. “I’m afraid he thinks I’m not doing a good enough job. Maybe he thinks I’m going to be a bad mother. I didn’t exactly have the best role model, you know.”
Allison stared at her. “Are you kidding? All he talks about when I see him is what an amazing mother you’re going to be.”
Erin flushed with pleasure, but she wasn’t sure she believed it herself. “I hope I am.”
Allison patted her on the shoulder. “You’re going to do great. And don’t forget, you’re not in this alone. Jake’s going to be a wonderful father.”
Erin thought so, too.
And maybe he did have the right idea about marriage. Why was she so determined to hold out for love, when he gave her so many other things?
But she’d grown up with a man who never said I love you—she knew what a lonely, heart-hungry experience that was. And it wasn’t just that Jake couldn’t say the words. He didn’t believe he could feel it, either.
She couldn’t cave in about this. She couldn’t. It would be a betrayal of her own heart.
After Allison left, Erin tried to do some work at her computer but couldn’t make herself concentrate. She wandered into the kitchen but she wasn’t really hungry.
Her stomach muscles tightened, and she wondered if she was in for another fun night of Braxton-Hicks contractions.
An hour later she knew it was the real thing.
She called Jake at the garage. “It’s time. How soon can you—”
“I’m on my way. Twenty minutes.”
“Don’t hang up! Will you stay on the phone with me?”
“Of course I will. Now take a deep breath.”
He went through relaxation exercises with her over the phone, and he kept going while they were driving to the hospital.
“It’s not working anymore,” she panted, as the contractions grew more intense. “It hurts too much. I can’t concentrate…I…” Another one came, the pain so overwhelming she couldn’t talk through it.
When it was over she looked at Jake, whose face had turned white. “Are you all right?” she asked him.
“What are you asking about me for? Of course I’m all right. I just don’t like seeing you in pain.” He parked in the hospital parking lot and told her to wait. “I’m getting a wheelchair for you.”
“You don’t have to do that. I can walk.”
He shot her a look beneath lowered brows. “I’m getting a wheelchair and a nurse. Don’t move.”
***
When Jake came back to the car he could see that Erin had had another contraction. Her face was pale and damp with sweat, and she grabbed his hand after he and the nurse helped her into the wheelchair.
“Don’t leave me again,” she panted. “Promise you won’t leave again.”
“I promise.”
He’d never seen Erin like this before. She was always so strong, so quietly com
petent about everything—even when she showed vulnerability, it only came in flashes.
But now she looked scared—really scared. And the contractions were hurting her so much…
“I think you should get an epidural,” he told her once they were in their hospital room. He heard the tension in his own voice and fought to stay calm so he could keep her calm. That was his job here.
Except that Erin was the one doing all the work. She was in so much pain he felt the stirrings of panic in his own body. He would do anything to stop this, to bear it in her place.
Erin spoke in gasps. “But that’s not in our birth plan. All those books said going natural is best for the baby. I can take it, I can—”
Another contraction, and she moaned, squeezing his hand.
Everything in him rebelled against this—against standing by helplessly while Erin suffered.
Their doctor came in to examine her, and told them Erin was fully effaced and four centimeters dilated. She could have an epidural if she wanted one.
Jake couldn’t understand why she didn’t want one.
“There’s no reason for you to go through this,” he said, holding a cool washcloth to her forehead between contractions.
“We knew it would hurt,” she panted. “But we decided we wanted a natural birth.”
He remembered talking about all this in their childbirth classes, making a step by step plan with Erin about how they wanted the birth to go, but those quiet conversations might as well have happened on a different planet. It was like the difference between looking at a battle plan on paper and being under enemy fire.
“I didn’t know it would be like this. Please, Erin—”
Another contraction. Erin’s face contorted, and this time the panic crawled further up his gut, almost choking him.
“Tell her you’re proud of her.”
Jake swiveled his head and saw it was the nurse who’d spoken. “What?”
“You need to support her,” the nurse said softly. “Tell her how brave she is. Tell her what a good job she’s doing.”
He took a deep breath. “She shouldn’t have to be this brave. I can’t stand to see her in pain.”
“I know. It’s hard when all you can give her is a hand to hold. But that’s what she needs right now.”
So he tried. He fought his rising panic, and he tried. He told her she was brave, he told her she was incredible, he told her what a wonderful mother she was going to be. His words sounded empty and forced in his own ears but he said them, over and over, and he never let go of her hand.
The doctor came in several more times over the next few hours, and when Erin didn’t dilate any further than five centimeters she started to look concerned.
Now she was checking Erin again, and this time she shook her head. “There hasn’t been any progress in the last hour.”
“No progress?” Erin sounded bewildered and exhausted, and Jake’s own fear and uncertainty coalesced into sudden anger. “What the hell does that mean?” he snapped.
The doctor held up her hands. “Nothing, right now. Erin’s doing great, and the baby’s fine so far. Her heartbeat is strong and steady. I’ll check on you again in half an hour, or sooner if the nurse alerts me of any changes. We might want to consider a pitocin drip, among other things. And you should start thinking about the possibility of a cesarean.”
Erin grabbed at him after the doctor had gone. “Jake, we didn’t plan for a cesarean. I didn’t research cesareans. My pregnancy has been completely normal from the beginning. I don’t understand why this is happening.”
Jake’s skin felt clammy, and the hands that held Erin’s were numb. “Everything’s going to be fine,” he forced himself to say. “Maybe we should ask for the pitocin. That will make your contractions stronger, right?”
She nodded, and suddenly tears started running down her cheeks. “Yes, but—it’ll hurt a lot more. Oh, Jake…I don’t know if I can handle it. I can barely handle this. I thought I was so strong…I thought…”
He squeezed her hands. “You are strong.”
“All the books said natural birth is best. I can’t fail this soon. I can’t fail right at the beginning.”
He started to answer her, but another contraction rolled over her and all he could do was wait, his agony at her agony like a knife through his heart.
“You’re not a failure if you don’t have a natural birth,” he told her. “Why would you even think that? The only thing that matters is having a healthy baby.”
“But it’s not what we planned,” she said. “I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready for any of it.” Her tears were still falling, and he didn’t know how to make her feel better.
Neither of them was ready for this. And he wasn’t doing Erin any damn good at all.
He wiped her face with the washcloth and then he kissed her forehead. Another contraction came, and another, and it seemed like forever before the doctor came back again.
This time she looked at the fetal heart rate monitor and shook her head. “The baby’s heart beat is slowing. There’s no immediate danger, but she’s under stress. I want to start prepping you for a c-section.”
A wave of nausea brought the taste of ashes into his mouth. The doctor was still talking, explaining the procedure and what to expect. She made it sound routine, but the fact was, a cesarean was surgery. Things could go wrong in surgery.
And the baby was under stress.
Other people were coming into the room now—more nurses and an anesthesiologist. One of the nurses was talking to him, explaining that they’d be taking him to prep so he could be in the O.R. for the procedure. Then she was guiding him out of Erin’s room.
His vision started to blur as they walked down the corridor. His face felt numb, and then his hands. His heart was thudding in his chest.
“I need a minute,” he heard himself say, just as the nurse paused outside a small room next to the O.R.
“All right,” she said, surprised, and then he was walking away, moving blindly through the corridors, not sure where he was going but conscious only that Erin might be better off if he weren’t with her.
There’d been times in the last couple of years when he’d wondered if he was cursed, if he was some kind of bad luck charm. Even though his sessions with Mitch had convinced him that wasn’t true, he realized now that the knowledge had only sunk in so far.
Deeper down, below the level of rationality, he only knew that people he cared about had died and he’d been powerless to save them.
And now Erin was lying in an operating room, and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to help her. There was no action he could take to ensure her safety or the safety of their daughter.
He’d become a soldier to protect people. But a soldier needed a weapon to fight with or he was just a man without a job. A man waiting, helplessly, for the people he loved to die.
He came to the end of a corridor and realized he was at the entrance to the lobby. He felt a blind urge to get out, and he pushed open the doors.
His mother was there, sitting in the waiting area. She saw him in the doorway and jumped to her feet, smiling. But when she saw his expression the color drained from her face.
“Jake, what’s wrong?”
He stared at her, disoriented. “What are you doing here?”
“You called to let us know Erin had gone into labor. Don’t you remember? I told you I’d be here.”
He looked at the clock on the wall. It was just after midnight.
“What’s going on? Has Erin had the baby?”
He shook his head, trying to clear it. “She’s having a cesarean. Her labor wasn’t progressing and the baby’s heart rate was slowing. They’re prepping her now.”
Irene nodded, looking relieved. “My goodness, I was worried there for a minute when I saw your face. Jake, there’s no need to panic. This hospital must perform thousands of cesareans a year. Everything will be all right. But you should get back to Erin.”
He spoke through dry lips. “She’s going into surgery. The baby’s in distress. What if—”
His mother put her hand on his arm. “Erin and the baby will be fine. But they both need you right now, so you should—”
“Need me?” A sudden wave of anger made his voice rough, and he shook off his mother’s hand. “There’s nothing I can do for them. I can’t give Erin what she needs. You should be in there with her, or Allison. Anyone but me.”
His mother spoke softly. “But you’re the one she wants. And you do have what she needs. It might be buried pretty deep, but you have it.”
His chest felt tight, his throat raw. “I don’t.”
“Jake…” His mother shook her head. “You’ve solved so many problems in your life. You’ve used your courage, your resourcefulness, your strength. But there are some problems that can only be solved by love.”
Everything in him went still. “Love doesn’t solve anything. I loved Megan. I loved Hope and Dan. My love didn’t help them. It didn’t save them.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. Your love will always be with them…and theirs with you. Love is the only thing we take with us, and the only thing we leave behind. You can’t force it. You can’t deserve it. You can only give it…and accept it.”
There was a piercing pain in his chest, like something inside him was splitting open.
He pressed his knuckles against his breastbone. “I can’t.”
“Jake, you’re the bravest man I’ve ever known. This just takes a different kind of courage.” She put her hand on his arm again, and this time he didn’t shake her off. “It’s hard to love. It’s hard to hope. We’re fools for even trying, if you think about it. Considering all the suffering we face in this world, despair makes a lot more sense.”
She shook her head. “And yet, somehow, we don’t give up. Even when logic tells us we should…we don’t.” She smiled suddenly. “It’s the one trait we have in common, those of us who choose to love. It makes no sense but we do it anyway. And we never pay attention to the odds.”
She squeezed his arm. “The good news is, you’re not in this alone. You and Erin will figure it out together.”
Waiting for You (A Contemporary Romance Novel) Page 17