by Jenna Cox
Was I doing it again? Playing a game, as Justin said. Pushing him away. I blinked at Brendan, my eyes wide as I tried to think clearly. I always felt so confused around him. He was just watching me patiently, still half-turned away.
“I’m not—“ I cleared my throat. “Sorry.” I clenched my teeth briefly, but I let the apology stand. Maybe I did have my guard up, maybe I was overreacting as Justin had seemed to think I was. I felt a flush of heat all over, but it wasn’t lust. It was complete embarrassment. I dropped my hand away from his arm and tried to smile. Brendan didn’t return it.
“I don’t want to play games, Kat,” he said, and I winced. “I just thought we were having fun, that this was something good. What are you expecting from me?”
“Nothing. A call maybe. Or just a message, even?”
“I’m out of credit,” he said. “I don’t get paid till tomorrow.” His face was tight and his nostrils flared slightly. For the first time, he didn’t look me in the eye.
“Oh. Right.” The air felt thick in my lungs. I almost said I’d buy him some credit if he wanted, even opened my mouth to say it, but I stopped myself. A little squeak of sound came out though, as I cut off the words, and I covered it by clearing my throat. “What about, like, email?” I added. “Or just showing up on my doorstep? Usually you’re good at that.”
“I was busy, okay. I wasn’t in at uni, so I couldn’t use the internet. And, I don’t know, I thought you’d probably have a lot of family stuff going on. I thought you’d call me if you wanted me there. You could have called. It’s the twenty-first century.”
I felt a surge of frustration again. I wasn’t being unreasonable. Was I? But that’s what Izzy had said too, that he was just giving me space. “No family stuff. I haven’t even talked to my parents since Friday. I…” I pressed my lips together as tears sprung to my eyes again. This was ridiculous. Why did I always seem to be crying around him? “Forget it.” I went to push past him to go back inside. I was starting to shake with the cold, and with a hint of rage too.
“Kat.” He caught me this time and spun me round. One hand went to the back of my neck, and he pulled me into a rough kiss. I kissed him back at first, but it was like a fight instead of an embrace. And eventually I broke away.
“No. I’m sorry if this is all you wanted, but I can’t do this. Not with you.” I took a step backwards, retreating with my hands up. I wobbled on the edge of the steps behind me, and Brendan put his hand on my elbow to steady me.
“What do you mean, not with me?” he asked quietly. He stood close, looking down at me. I couldn’t look into his face. I chewed on my lip, then sighed.
“Because I like you too much, okay? I’m sorry if that scares you off, but there it is. I like you, and I can’t do just sex—“
The doors below us opened and I stiffened, waiting awkwardly until the two girls exiting had climbed the stairs and passed us and we were alone again. I’d lost a bit of my nerve by that time. “I can’t do that with you, okay. Maybe that makes me pathetic, but I’m not up for that pain right now.”
“Did I ever say all I wanted was sex anyway?”
“Did you say otherwise?”
“I thought I showed you.” I frowned at him. He just turned his face away. “You can’t like me anyway. You don’t know me.”
I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times. “Because you won’t fucking let me,” I said, louder than I meant to, just as the doors opened again and more people came out, glancing warily in our direction. Brendan glared at them menacingly until they hurried past, then pulled me by my arm around the corner, away from the staircase.
“Maybe you’re right,” he said, and I felt like I’d been slapped.
“About what?”
“That this is not a good idea.”
“I didn’t say that.” Did I? I hadn’t meant it if I had. I’d just wanted him to tell me he wanted more than just an occasional fuck buddy. And now I was regretting that, but feeling disgusted with myself for it. I couldn’t even stick to my guns for five minutes.
“There’s a reason I don’t talk about my life. It’s because there’s nothing to tell. Nothing that wouldn’t send you running.”
I shook my head. “Don’t be ridiculous,” I said, but a little knot of anxiety curled in my gut.
Brendan just laughed without humour. “I’m not joking.”
“What’s so bad? I don’t care that you don’t have money—” I cut myself off even before I saw the tightening around Brendan’s eyes. Wrong thing to say.
“This is not about money,” he said thinly.
“Fine. Sorry. Cut me some slack — if you won’t tell me anything, what am I meant to think?”
“Why are we even doing this?”
“Fucked if I know. You were in wet jeans the first time I met you. I should have known better.”
“You should have.”
I barked a harsh laugh and shook my head at him. A smile flickered at the corner of Brendan’s mouth, but that just made me angrier.
“You’re a jerk, you know that?”
“Am I?” His nostrils flared slightly and his supercilious grin disappeared.
“Yep. A selfish, moronic jerk.”
He made a face and clapped his hand to his chest in mock pain.
”You do know me, then. I was wrong.”
I rolled my eyes.
“And I definitely don’t like you. I don’t know what I was thinking.” I jabbed my finger at his chest petulantly and went to turn away. Brendan caught my arm and pulled me back to him. He kissed me again. The fighting kiss, like a battle to prove something. But then I felt myself sinking into him. I couldn’t stop it. His body was warm, his tongue hot in my mouth. And the kiss turned from struggle to seduction. Or maybe that was his battle tactic — either way it was working. I was lost.
His hands roved my body, gripping my backside and pressing my hips into his. I was crushed to his body, feeling every cell stir to life at his touch.
When we broke away, his eyes were dark pools as we breathed foggily into the space between us, panting. I still couldn’t read him. His desire was obvious, but beyond that, I could never tell what he was really thinking. And as much as it frustrated me, it also drew me to him. Was that messed up? Was I just wanting to think there was more to him than sex and unreliability, so I could play out some fucked up fantasy that I could ‘save’ him?
But then he stroked my cheek with his thumb gently and rested his forehead against mine with a sigh.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch. I honestly thought you might just want space. That being around me wouldn’t be good for you.”
“Why?” I murmured.
“Because I do stupid stuff. And I don’t want to drag you into my fucked up world.”
I was searching his eyes, shaking my head with our foreheads still resting together. “Don’t say that.”
“You don’t know—”
“Then let me,” I said, putting my hands firmly either side of his face as I said it so he couldn’t pull away. But he didn’t seem to try anyway. He just leant against me more heavily, watching me, some inner battle going on. And maybe that was the struggle, not with me, but with something in himself.
“Alright.”
“Alright, what?”
“If you want to get to know me, we can, you know, go on a date or something. That’s how it normally goes, right?”
I smiled. “Yeah, I guess it is.”
“Tomorrow night?”
“Okay.”
He kissed me again, softly. Then broke away. “I have to get back to work. Simone won’t be able to cover for me forever.”
“Aren’t you on your break?”
“I lied. I just wanted to come after you. See if you were okay.”
I slapped his chest gently. “Brendan. That’s kind of romantic but really stupid. Don’t lose another job doing stupid things like that.”
He held up his hands in surrender and grinned. “I’ll text yo
u tomorrow.” He was already backing away. I felt icily cold again now that his body was away from mine, and I shivered as I watched him go. I wanted to ask him what he was doing tonight, whether he wanted to come over. But how could I ask him to come jump in my bed when I just made a big deal out of getting to know him? And if he’d been free tonight, wouldn’t he have said so?
So I just smiled and waved a little awkwardly as he turned and headed down the stairs to the door that led back inside. I waited a moment, then followed too, stamping my feet and shaking my hands as I went to get the blood recirculating. My heart was still pounding, but all the blood flow seemed to be concentrated into certain throbbing parts. My extremities felt like they were approaching frost bite.
I went back into the cafe. Izzy and Justin were still sitting in the corner, eating their food, but their eyes were trained on the doorway, waiting for my return obviously, because when I appeared, both their eyebrows shot up and they were smirking. I unconsciously reached up to smooth down my hair.
I glanced over at where Brendan was back on the register, and he flicked his eyebrows at me with a smirk of his own. I flushed and turned away, weaving through the tables back to my friends. I flopped down in the chair, plonked my elbows on the table, my chin in my hands, and sighed.
“Nice chat?” Justin said.
“Fine, you were right. We just needed to talk.”
“And?” Izzy was wiggling her eyebrows.
“And…we’re going on a date tomorrow night.” Izzy gave a little squeal of delight, and Justin rolled his eyes.
“Girls,” he huffed, turning back to his phone. But he was stifling a smile.
And I was failing to hide a grin of my own. I’d told myself not to feel too excited. This was still Brendan, he was still frustrating as hell, and one normal date was no guarantee of anything good coming from this. But I felt bubbles of excitement fizzing to the surface. And I let myself feel it for a moment. Let myself feel the hum of pleasure and anticipation that was about more than just getting him into bed.
Though the thought of that was good, too.
eight
“LOOKING HOT, CHICKADEE.” Izzy was poking her head into my room unannounced again. This was becoming a habit. I didn’t mind so much when I was on my own, but she’d better start knocking when I wasn’t. Which I hoped was more often after tonight.
And then she was pushed through the doorway by Justin. They both entered and Justin shut the door behind him.
“Uh, thanks for the support guys, but I’m fine without an audience,” I said, pausing mid swipe of my lip gloss to look at them.
“No worries. I’m just hiding from Damien. I ate his corn chips, and I think he’s in the kitchen now planning to make nachos.”
“Justin.” Izzy and I both sighed in unison. We’d never hear the end of this. We’d forgotten to replace his pancake mix from the other morning too, and Damien hadn’t got over that yet.
“Aren’t you meeting Steph anyway?”
“Yeah, in a minute. I’m just waiting till the coast is clear.”
I finished my lip gloss, touched up my mascara, and then stood back staring at myself appraisingly in the mirror.
“You look lush, Babe,” Izzy assured me. I just shrugged and twisted a little, assessing the effect of the simple top and jeans. I had some small dangly earrings in, in place of the studs that I’d thrown in the pool. It felt weird to have something else in my ears, and they tickled my neck as I turned. But it had felt even weirder having bare earlobes, so I kept them in.
“Besides, with your track record, you’re not going to be staying in your clothes for long, anyway,” Justin added. I shot him a glare, but my mouth betrayed me by turning up at the corners.
“We’re trying to actually get to know each other this time,” I said.
“Sure.”
“Whatever Justin. Be nice, or I’ll march you out there to face Damien’s wrath.”
“Fine, fine.”
I turned away from the mirror and picked up my coat and scarf, putting them near my handbag, then fiddling and rearranging them, and smoothing out my scarf, and then coat, and then scarf again.
“Kat?”
“Huh?” I looked up at my roommates and blinked.
“Feeling nervous?”
I gave a short laugh. “What would give you that idea?”
“Don’t be. Brendan fancies you more than I’ve ever seen him fancy anyone. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
I chewed on my lip, then quickly pressed them together instead, tasting lipgloss on my tongue.
“How long have you known him?”
“Since we started uni. Long enough to trust him to take out our Katherine,” Justin said, in a Yorkshire twang. He came up to me and put his arm around my neck, squeezing and ruffling my hair. I squawked in protest and wriggled out of his grip.
“But how well do you know him?” I turned to the mirror to rearrange my hair. “Like, where he lives, or have you met his family or anything?”
“Meeting the family? Getting a bit ahead of ourselves, aren’t we?” Justin perched himself on the edge of my bed and grinned. I just frowned at my reflection in the mirror.
“I didn’t mean I want to meet them. I just meant…I don’t know anything about him.”
“Isn’t that what tonight is for?”
“Yeah. It is. Forget it.”
“He is a bit of closed book. Doesn’t like sharing much about himself, so that he even suggested this is something. He obviously wants to tell you. Just go easy on him, okay?”
“Easy? What do you think I’m going to do, interrogate him?”
Justin shrugged. “I just mean, he’s had it tough. Don’t try and rush him or he might, I dunno, bite back.”
I turned squarely on Justin and folded my arms over my chest.
“What do you mean?”
“Yeah. This is sounding weird, Justin,” Izzy piped in, dropping down into the chair at my desk and tucking her knees up to her chest. She frowned at us from behind her blonde fringe.
“I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Are you warning me about something? Should I not be doing this?”
“Shit. I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything.” Justin waved his hand dismissively.
“That’s the problem.”
He stood up and paced across the room and back again, then dropped back down to the bed. “I was at his house yesterday—”
“Yesterday? When?”
“In the afternoon, after lunch when he got off work.”
“Why? Where does he live?”
“On Straight St, in Holbeck.” Justin kept his face a picture of nonchalance, but he was biting the inside of his lip.
“Holbeck’s not that bad. They’ve revamped it a lot,” I said unconvincingly.
“Yeah, and they’re ‘managing’ that red light district now,” he added.
“You two are such snobs. My brother’s in-laws live in Holbeck.” We both glanced at Izzy, who had pursed her lips indignantly.
“Depends where you go, I guess. Anyhoo,” Justin continued, turning back to me. “That wasn’t really my point. Who cares where he lives. I was just going to say that he asked me to meet him there, but never invited me inside. It just made me realise he’s never told me anything about his family. That was the first time he mentioned where he lived, let alone asked me to come there.”
“Why did he want you to meet him there yesterday then?”
“I don’t know if he’d like me telling you.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I won’t tell him you told. I’ll pretend I don’t know.”
“It’s not drugs is it?” Izzy asked, her eyes widening. I glanced at her and then back to Justin.
“Surely not…”
“No, it’s not drugs,” Justin said and rolled his eyes. “Do you think I’d be letting you go out with him tonight if he’d just asked me to help him get drugs?”
“What then?”
“I was
just helping him carry a whole bunch of stuff to the pawn shop up the street.”
“Oh. So he, like, needs money?”
“I guess.” Then Justin stood up and pointed his finger at me. “Don’t even think about offering him any.”
“I wasn’t!” I raised my hands innocently. I had been. Then I chewed my lip again, ignoring the gloss. “He hasn’t got some silly idea of needing to pay for an expensive date or something has he?”
“I don’t know. He’s probably just, you know, regular old, garden-variety skint. He’s obviously paying his own way through uni and everything.”
“But he already works like three jobs or something—shit, is it because he lost his other job?”
“That was his own fault.”
I frowned and pulled on my lip. “Yeah, but—”
“Plus, it’s not like a few part time jobs really add up to much. Do you even know what those kinds of jobs pay?”
“Not really,” I admitted.
“Nah, me neither. But I bet it’s shite-all.”
“Fuck. And I gave him a hard time about not getting in touch, and it was just because he didn’t have credit. I knew he didn’t want to admit it when he told me.” I flopped down on the bed beside Jason and blew out a breath. “And he said he wasn’t at uni, so couldn’t use the internet. So he doesn’t even have internet at home.”
“Don’t start feeling sorry for him,” Izzy said. “Pity is the last thing he’ll want. I offered to split the bill on a date once with a guy because he’d lost his job, and he flipped out on me about not needing my charity.”
“She’s right. Surprisingly,” Justin said, and Izzy poked her tongue out at him. “Seriously, Kat, just try and forget everything I’ve told you. I shouldn’t have brought it up. Just let him tell you in his own time.”
“Okay. As long as it’s not drugs.”
“It’s not.” But Justin’s eyes shifted and he looked down to pick at imaginary fluff on his shirt. Then noticed that we were both staring at him. “It’s not! Brendan is not on, or dealing, drugs — I know him well enough to know that.” He put an arm around me where I sat beside him on the bed. “I didn’t want to kill your buzz. Just go and have fun. Forget about it.”