by Rue Allyn
When they finally came up for air, he stared at her in wonder. How could she not know they belonged together?
“Look.” She pointed past him.
He turned his head to see the sunrise. Golden light burnished the hills and slopes, and the lake gleamed a brilliant sparkle of blue unlike anything he’d ever seen, save Tamsin’s eyes when she looked at or thought about Susa.
He turned back to Tam and caught a flash of that same blue glitter before she shuttered her gaze as if she knew she revealed too much. Between that brief glimmer and last night’s passion, Con began to believe his efforts to win Tam back were working. All he had to do was persist, and they could become the family they were supposed to be.
“Thank you.” He dropped a kiss on her nose.
A loud gurgle announced that Tam was hungry. Her face flushed.
Con grinned and stood, holding out a hand. “We’d better get you fed.”
Tam hauled herself up and, once they’d dressed, helped to clean up the picnic site. “Too bad we ate all of our dinner.”
“We never ate desert.” He grinned.
She shook her head. “Somehow day-old pound cake and warm lemon sauce doesn’t appeal as breakfast food.”
“True. I recall passing a 24/7 diner on the way here. We can get breakfast there.”
“Great. I’m hungry enough to eat like a trucker.” Her gurgling stomach chorused agreement.
****
Tam stared out the window and took one last look at the shadows fading from the hills. The Fish Hill Creek outlook would forever be linked in her mind to the night she finally admitted that she couldn’t choose whom she loved. She’d tried not to love Con. She’d stayed away and kept his daughter from him, even when her heart ached to be with him. As she had in Montana, she repeated the long list of reasons she’d used to justify her actions. None of them made sense any longer.
She only had to watch Con with Susa to know he’d be an ideal, loving father. Her daughter would never suffer from the neglect of a dad too busy to love his family. Susa would have the best of everything, including the love of two parents. Marriage didn’t have to be a trap of unrelenting depression and loneliness.
Fear had kept Tam from admitting the truth when Connor appeared in Montana. Fear caused her to irrationally accuse him of territorial possessiveness and demand apologies, when she should be the one saying I’m sorry. She didn’t know how to prove to him that she regretted her actions. She’d apologized for deserting him. Or had she? The more she thought about it, the greater became her belief that, beyond a few irate words exchanged on the day he arrived in Arizona, she’d never given Con the slightest reason to imagine she was sorry, really sorry. That too had probably been the result of fear. If she had fears that marriage between them might fail because she’d repeat her parents’ mistakes or that Susa might be hurt in the resulting custody fight, Tam had only herself to blame. It was past time she owned up to her part in creating their problems and apologized to him.
“I’m sorry.”
Con slowed the car, while he negotiated the last curves of Apache Trail. “That’s not the kind of comment I hoped for after a night like last night.”
Apologizing for her sins would be difficult at best and most likely painful as well. Tam was perfectly willing to delay the experience. “What did you expect?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Something like thank you or you’ve spoiled me for other men.” He grinned as the road straightened.
Tam lowered her head and gazed at the fingernail she worried. “If it’s any consolation, you have spoiled me for other men.”
He was silent for so long that she cast him a sidewise glance. She found him studying her from his peripheral vision.
“That’s very flattering. If I’m such a great lover, why are you sorry?”
She swallowed and gathered her courage. “I’m trying to apologize for hurting you. I should have had more faith in you, and I should have trusted that you would love Susa as much as I did.”
“It’s okay, Tam. I understand why you stayed away.”
“You do?”
“Sure. Your silence hurt me more than words can say. I never got numb to the pain of losing you. I was like a wounded animal, determined to strike out at the cause. I would have been afraid too if I were you.”
“I know I worried about losing Susa, but I doubt I ever thought you’d be violent. I am very sorry I was so insensitive to your feelings.”
Con flexed his fingers against the steering wheel, giving a small hint that he might feel as tense as she. “Your apology isn’t needed, but I accept it. While I’m still hurt, my anger has faded. I haven’t been really angry at you in the past five years. However, angry or not, I never stopped wondering. In your heart, you had to have known I’d be at that conference in Montana. I believe you attended Buddswell’s conference mostly to find me and work out our unresolved issues. Your business needs simply offered you the excuse you needed. I forgive you for the hurt you caused and for keeping Susa a secret. I understand, and while I can’t agree with your reasoning, you had our daughter’s welfare as your primary concern.
She listened in silence then looked out the window at a passing field of saguaros. “You make me sound predictable, petty, and completely un-self-aware.”
“I don’t intend to. Put in the context of your relationship with your father, your mom’s regrettable choice, and the fact that you were pregnant and ill when you made the decision to sever all contact, your actions are understandable.
“Really?” She kept her tone mild and her gaze on the scenery. Inwardly she raged. Here she was trying to acknowledge her faults and get past them, and he dismissed her concerns. Of all the condescending, arrogant, and chauvinistic statements that was the worst. By comparison Buddswell looked tolerant and reasonable. To think that she’d felt guilty for the anguish she’d caused Con. Pain lanced through her because she did love him. “So the hurt and anger of the past seven years are only the mistake of a sick, hormonally hysterical woman’s imagined fears.”
In her peripheral vision his hands flexed on the steering wheel again. He must have recognized the sarcasm in her tone.
“I’m not certain that I’d blame your fears on pregnancy exactly, but you have to admit they were pretty unreasonable given that you had no evidence one way or the other of what kind of husband and father I’d be.”
But she’d had evidence, or believed she had in the form of that engagement announcement and his immersion in his work. For seven years that and his silence had been enough evidence that she and Con were all wrong together. The question was whether or not she still believed the truth implied by his silence. How could she reconcile the work-obsessed man she’d known seven years ago with the man he’d proven to be over the past two weeks? Whatever she concluded about Con, was she willing to share her daughter? Regardless of her feelings, would Tam have any choice in Susa’s custody, or would she be forced to tear her heart in two battling for the most precious thing in her life with the man she couldn’t stop loving.
The situation now was very different, but she still needed time to think. With Con’s four weeks half gone and business demands eating every available moment, she had no time to spare. One thing was certain, she needed to prepare for the worst, and for that she needed information. She’d spent too much time on her muddle of conflicting emotions. That was no way to close a deal, especially the deal of a lifetime.
“Let’s put the past behind us for the moment,” she said. “Let’s talk about what kind of a father you will be to Susa. Exactly how do you think we should handle custody? What do you think is best for her?”
“I’ve already told you what I think is best for Susa. She needs a fulltime mother and father. You and I should marry. Then we could give Susa a whole family.”
“I don’t think it’s that simple.”
“I didn’t say it would be. From my experience—and I can’t claim a lot—families are messy and a whole lot more complicated t
han a business deal.”
“Yes, but families succeed or fail on the basis of how much trust and love they have.”
“We both love Susa a great deal. As for trust…we’re working on that.”
“Are we?”
He cast her a look full of angry questions but kept silent until he found a good spot to pull off the road. He put the car in park, then focused that laser beam gaze on her.
“Just what do you call it when you leave Susa with me for hours on end? Tiddlywinks? What about when you trust me to pick her up, drop her off, make her lunch, put her to bed, watch my language around her, provide a good and healthy example, or a trillion zillion other things that any mother trusts any father to do? What is all of that, if not trust?”
“You’re right, all of that and more is trust that we’ve built between us. I trust you with Susa’s life, her wellbeing. I even trust you not to break her heart by neglecting her. She’s half in love with you already. If we told her she could call you Daddy, she’d be over the moon. That’s not the kind of trust I’m talking about.”
Con managed to look both pleased and upset at the same time. “Thank you for telling me. If we aren’t talking about my willingness and ability to be a good father, what are we talking about?”
“You and Susa want us to be a family. Each of us would die before we let anything harm my daughter. But what about ourselves? How can you trust me after I hurt you, as I’m more than willing to admit I did? How can I trust you when you pull underhanded, manipulative tricks like you tried in Montana and when you interfere in my business life without consulting me?”
“I didn’t…”
She raised a hand. “You called Buddswell, and whether you asked him for a favor or merely suggested he time his visit to Arizona earlier than anticipated doesn’t matter. If you believed in me, really believed in me, you would suggest to me that I contact Mike, then leave it up to me to decide how to handle my business. You’ve treated me pretty much like a green intern with no business savvy whatsoever. The root of all of this seems to be my resistance to marriage. Regardless of the fact that I felt I had good reason, you said it yourself, I hurt you deeply. That kind of hurt destroys trust and doesn’t heal easily. If we can’t mend our relationship then we’d make Susa a lousy family, and she’s probably better off with separated parents.”
Con stared at Tam. She’d just shattered his dreams for the second time. He was a damned fool. Nothing he could do would convince Tam they belonged together. They’d never be a family.
When she disappeared seven years ago he swore he’d never again allow anyone to hurt him like that, but she had. She pierced him to the quick before he had the chance to bare his heart and prove his trust in her and her love. Now, with a few short sentences, she laid waste every hope. She was wrong about so much, but she was right about one thing, if he couldn’t gain her faith in him, if she couldn’t see his faith in her, then any marriage between them was doomed, and Susa would suffer most when the marriage failed.
Sick with grief, he shifted away from Tam to face the road. Turning the keys in the ignition, he pointed the car toward the house that Susa and Tam called home.
“I’ve lost my appetite. Do you still want to stop for breakfast?”
“I’m not hungry anymore.”
“Fine.”
They finished the drive in silence. Once home, they unloaded the car together. Tam put things away, while Con washed dishes and other items. Then they parted, burrowing into their separate rooms like wounded animals, waiting for Susa to come home from her overnight and bring back the illusion that they could be a family.
****
The loan proposal was due at the lender’s office by end of business the day after her meeting with Buddswell. Tam would meet with Mike for lunch, then work at a frantic pace to get details of their deal included in the proposal. Despite that disastrous date and the hopeless situation with Con, she plunged into a flurry of activity that filled the next few days.
The morning of her meeting with Mike she received a call from him. He’d had an unexpected delay, and could they move their meeting to that evening? He would like to take her to dinner to begin discussions about the business deal between the companies. Panicked because she had plans to spend the evening with Susa, she asked if they could meet early Tuesday morning. She’d still have time to cobble together something about the Buddswell deal for the lender.
“Sorry, darlin’. I want to spend Tuesday visiting local Native American communities to get a feel for the market. This is short notice, but I’d like your office to set that up for me, if you don’t mind, since your company has the contacts. Then I have meetings all day every day until Friday. I wanted to get our deal rolling so that your legal guys and mine could work out the details and have everything ready to sign just before I leave that weekend.”
“I’m sorry too. While I’m certain that TLC can arrange for your visits to the Native American nations, I won’t break my promise to my daughter.”
“So this deal’s gonna fall apart because of a kid?”
“No, you’re going to join us for dinner Monday, and as soon as Susa is in bed, we’ll negotiate the deal.”
“I’ll bring my secretary to take notes.”
“You’re welcome to do so, but I have someone at the house who can take notes.”
“You got a secretary at your home?”
“You know better. I’ve got Connor O’Neal.”
“Whoeee! He still there? You two really are getting together?”
Tam bit back the mix of anger and regret that thoughts of Con inspired. “I’m unwilling to discuss that with a business associate.”
“Well, Connor’s a smooth talker. You hold out until you get everything you want on the table.”
“I’ll consider your advice, but Connor taught me the art of the deal, so I know all of his tricks and a few of my own.”
“Then I’d better watch out, or you just might steal my shirt during our negotiations and leave me glad that you did it.”
What had begun as a busier than normal day at the office suddenly ratcheted into high gear. The moment she ended the call with Buddswell, she called the loan approval office, getting a one-day extension so she could include information on a new revenue stream. After that she held meetings with legal, marketing, shipping, and any other TLC staff involved in the Buddswell deal. She had her assistant draft notes on the existing Buddswell files while Tam herself reviewed the proposal given to Buddswell and decided on changes she wanted. She took a quick break for lunch and called Con while she wolfed down a salad. Their argument from the morning after their date had lingered gloomily for days but was now pushed to the farthest back burner.
“Donal residence.”
Tam smiled. “I always get a kick when you answer my phone like that. Makes me think I have a butler.”
Con chuckled, then put on a snooty accent. “In that case, how may I serve you, Madam?”
“I need you to go to the grocery store for me and get four steaks, a half dozen ears of corn, some deli coleslaw, and a six pack of beer.”
“Sounds delicious. I’ll get the stuff on my way to pick Susa up from school. What’s the occasion?”
“Buddswell’s been delayed a few hours.”
“No kidding. I heard he puts a kink in the itinerary sometimes as a way to test new business colleagues.”
Her hand jerked, and the phone bumped her ear. “You knew that he pulls this short notice stunt? How come you didn’t tell me?”
“I knew you could handle it, even before you repeated your warning that you didn’t want me interfering in your business dealings.”
Tam took in his comment for later reflection and moved on. “We’ll want to eat by six-thirty. I’m going to try to leave work early enough to come home and grill the steaks myself, but I need to count on you to fill in if I’m not able to break away.”
“No problem. Anything else?”
“Yes, I promised Susa we would h
ave a story night tonight.”
“I can read to her.”
“Story night isn’t just reading to her. She reads to me. I read to her. We make up stories separately and together. We also paint our nails and play with makeup. On story nights I give Susa the entire night from dinner to bedtime. Buddswell knows I have this commitment, though I didn’t tell him the details, so he isn’t expecting to talk until after Susa’s in bed. I want you to entertain Mike while I’m with Susa.”
Silence from Con’s end of the line told Tam he was hesitating. “Aren’t you afraid that I’ll interfere?”
“Yes, I am, especially because Buddswell may make it impossible for you not to interfere. What other options do I have? I have to trust you.”
“Let me deal with Susa.”
“No. I’ve never broken a promise to her, and I don’t intend to start now. If I’m lucky, Buddswell will be satisfied with having you tell him that since Tam is the owner of TLC, she’d better respond to whatever it is that he’s asking for.”
“Fair enough. I’ll get him started talking basketball, and he’ll carry the conversation until you force him to stop.”
“Sounds like a plan. I’ve got to run. With any luck I’ll see you in an hour or so.”
An hour or so turned out to be more like three and a half. Tam walked into her kitchen while Con was still unloading the car.
She gave him a hand with the groceries, and bussed Susa’s cheek as the child barreled through the kitchen on her way to Nancy’s house three doors down.
“You haven’t forgotten story night, have you Mommy?”
“Nope, I’m ready. How about you? Did you get your homework done? No story night until homework is done.”
“All I had was spelling. We got a test tomorrow. Con and I practiced in the car, so I’m done.”
“Fantastic. I want you home by six. We’re having company.”
Instantly Susa started to bounce. “Who? Do I know them? Who is it, Mommy?”