by Tim Collins
An update regarding the stupidity of my sister: She has announced that she no longer wishes to kill animals for their blood, and will now only consume the blood of animals that have died by accident. Again, she has said she wants to do this on ‘ethical grounds’.
For once, my parents drew a line at her idiocy and refused to cave in.
They explained that the blood of dead animals would be stale and make her poorly. And how did she react to this sensible advice? By kicking a hole in the kitchen door and stomping off to her room, of course.
I have to say I’m surprised that they finally put their foot down with her. I expected them to indulge her until it got to the point where she refused to drink anything except the sap of plants.
SUNDAY 6TH MARCH
12PM
I have come up with a new plan to make Chloe fancy me. I shall work out at the gym until I force my body to unleash its vampire strength. I’m off to the leisure centre right now to put my scheme into action.
5PM
Well, that was a massive waste of time. When I got to the gym, I put the weights machine on the highest setting and settled down for a gruelling workout. After a couple of fruitless attempts to move the bars I was ready to abandon my plan and go home. Unfortunately, an assistant who looked like the missing link between Neanderthal man and PE teacher stood behind the machine and offered to ‘spot’ me. He did this by decreasing the load one level at a time and shouting ‘You can do it!’
He was wrong. I couldn’t do it. Even when the machine was on the lowest setting, I couldn’t do it. I thanked Missing Link for his help and made my shameful exit. Once again, I have my uncooperative body to blame for a humiliating day.
MONDAY 7TH MARCH
Today we had dental checks in the sports hall. I tried to get out of mine by showing the nurse how strong my teeth were, but she wasn’t letting anyone off. I think they’re trying to catch all the kids whose parents let them have fizzy drinks and sweets.
I was really fretting that my fangs would shame me by extending while the dentist was examining my teeth. To keep them under control, I took a long sniff of the bins they throw the lunch leftovers in, and made sure I was as far away as possible in the queue from Chloe.
In the end, it wasn’t a problem. The dentist said my teeth were the strongest and whitest he’d ever seen, although you could tell he was confused by how cold I was.
He then spent about half an hour looking at Wayne’s mouth and tutting. I’m glad I don’t have crisps and fizzy drinks every break like him. Say what you like about human blood, but at least it’s natural. What comes out of the vein goes straight down my throat with no additives, colourings or preservatives. I’m quite a health buff when I think about it.
TUESDAY 8TH MARCH
12:20PM
Chloe is reading an anthology of Romantic poetry, which contains some by a vampire Dad used to be friends with called Lord Byron. If only she would put the book down and realize that there’s someone every bit as brooding and dangerous as Byron right in front of her. And I can also write powerful poetry, just like him.
Why can’t Chloe see that I’m just her type?
9PM
Craig has a pair of Nike trainers that are black with a black swoosh, so he can get away with wearing them as school shoes. Craig always gets loads of cool stuff because his parents are divorced.
Tonight I asked Dad if I could have a pair, and he said no. I can’t believe how tight he is considering his wealth. He always says that we’ll draw too much attention to ourselves if we spend lots of money. What he fails to understand is that in this day and age, buying expensive trainers is normal. It’s wearing scuffed old school shoes that’s abnormal now. Social services would take me away if they saw the rags I’m forced to wear.
If he doesn’t buy me some cooler clothes soon, I’ll get teased for having fleas like Darren and nobody will ever sit next to me again.
WEDNESDAY 9TH MARCH
Everyone was sniggering and looking at me in expectation as I sat down in Maths this morning. It took me a while to realize that Craig had put a drawing pin on my chair. I had to pretend it hurt just to get them to stop looking at me and move on to the next victim.
In the library at lunchtime, Chloe asked me what my political views were, but I couldn’t think of any. I remember Mr Morris once saying that vampires are capitalists or capitalists are vampires or something, so I said I was a capitalist. Chloe didn’t seem very impressed. I think I need to find a more interesting ‘ist’.
On TV tonight there was a murder mystery set in the twenties, but they didn’t get many details right. The vast majority of us didn’t ponce around in country houses waiting to be murdered by butlers, we just got on with our lives. Although there was less technology, life wasn’t that different really. Declaring your love to a girl is just as difficult whether you do it by hand-written letter or email, and my sister is just as annoying whether she’s learning the Charleston or hip-hop dancing.
I’ve just had a strange thought. The twenties will be coming back round again soon! Mum and Dad must be used to this kind of thing now, but I’m not even 100 yet, so it’s all still a novelty to me.
THURSDAY 10TH MARCH
8AM
Mum has washed my school shirt with one of Dad’s capes and it’s turned pink! I told her that the red lining of his capes would ruin everything, but she wouldn’t listen. She wanted me to wear one of Dad’s shirts to school, but they’ve all got ridiculous frilly bits. I’m not going to school dressed as Duran Duran!
10AM
I made Mum drive me to the clothes shop to get a shirt on the way to school, and we had to bang on the door to make them open it early. Mum moaned the whole time, but this is what she gets for putting my school clothes in with Dad’s outlandish garb.
9PM
I sat next to Chloe in Art today and she had a sniffle. It’s weird, but if my sister had a sniffle it would drive me over the edge. Yet when Chloe has one it sounds like a gentle breeze blowing through rose petals. I am truly beginning to understand the power of love.
At lunchtime, Wayne was going round with a sponsorship form for a fun run he’s doing for endangered species. I kept out of his way so I didn’t have to pledge anything. Why should I? Vampires are an endangered species, but nobody ever runs for us. They run from us, but that’s not the same.
4AM
They never put anything decent on TV at this time. It’s really unfair on shift workers and the undead. I suppose I should be grateful that they show anything at all during the night. Believe it or not, it was only a few years ago that they used to play the national anthem and tell you to go to bed before midnight. And a few years before that, there was no TV at all. No wonder so many vampires got up to mischief in the old days. They had nothing else to do!
FRIDAY 11TH MARCH
Craig was told off by the headmaster for wearing his cool trainers today. You should have heard him moaning about it. All they said was that he had to wear school shoes on Monday or he’d get detention.
In the old days, they used to whack you with a cane or leather strap if you did the slightest thing wrong. I was once hit with a slipper just for walking too fast in the corridor. Not that Dad had any sympathy when I told him. He just went on about the time he was tortured on a rack for whistling during longbow practice. Whatever I tell him, he always has to try and top it.
SATURDAY 12TH MARCH
I was bored tonight so I went for a walk in the graveyard. I realize that makes me sound like a vampire cliché, but it’s the only place where I can go to be quiet and relax on a Saturday night. Everywhere else is full of people fighting and being sick on each other.
As I lurked moodily around the tombs, I heard human voices in the distance. I followed them and realized that John, Si and Brian had taken it upon themselves to come to the graveyard too. I thought I’d scare them for a joke, so I rushed out from behind a grave.
They let out shrieks of fear and dashed towards the e
xit, which was very cowardly for people who claim to be hardcore horror fanatics. I was surprised to see them fleeing so fast, especially Brian, who certainly never moves like that on sports day. They made such a speedy exit that I didn’t get the chance to reveal that it was only me.
The weird thing was, as I raced after them to explain that it was all a prank, it sort of stopped being one. I really did feel like pouncing on them and drinking their blood.
I think the moral of this episode is that if you’re going to pretend to be a blood-drinking supernatural being, make sure you’re not actually a blood-drinking supernatural being, or you could get carried away.
SUNDAY 13TH MARCH
6PM
We all went out for a family hike again today. As usual, Dad drove his Volvo well over the speed limit. He says that his supernatural vampire speed makes it hard for him to drive as slowly as a human, but I think this is just an excuse. He needs to be careful. He could end up in prison for speeding and then I’d be from a broken home like Darren.
I’ve never understood why Dad buys Volvos. He says they’ve got strong frames which don’t buckle in crashes, but why should we care? We could drive off the edge of a cliff and land in a fireball and we’d all be fine again after ten minutes. Still, at least it stops him from buying a sports car and becoming a complete embarrassment.
9PM
I’ve found out what ‘ist’ I am - an anarchist! I saw a politician on TV tonight saying that if we don’t spend more on policing, society will break down into lawless anarchy and blood will run in the streets. Sounds brilliant!
MONDAY 14TH MARCH
Craig wore his normal school shoes again today, but as a protest he has written his persuasive writing essay for English about how we shouldn’t have any school uniform at all. I suppose I should agree now that I’m an anarchist.
When I told Chloe, she said he’d been very mature to use his essay as a protest rather than simply writing it about capital punishment like the teacher suggested. I agreed with her wholeheartedly, and hid my capital punishment essay under my folder.
I was worried that John, Si and Brian might have started the rumour that there are vampires in town following my misjudged prank on Saturday night. I need to be very careful not to fuel this kind of gossip given my parents’ reckless attack on the school caretaker. Fortunately, my goth friends are far too stupid to have understood what was going on, and they’ve been boasting about how they banished a spectre from the graveyard instead. Now everyone is chanting the Ghostbusters theme at them and I have no sympathy.
TUESDAY 15TH MARCH
The English teacher liked Craig’s essay so much she showed it to the headmaster in the staffroom.
The headmaster said that Craig had been very assertive to write an argument against the rules rather than simply breaking them. He said that he couldn’t go as far as to abolish school uniform, but that as a gesture of goodwill, he would let us have a No Uniform Day on Friday if we all give a pound to charity.
Everyone is looking forward to it except for Darren, who only owns his uniform and PE kit, and is so poor that he should be receiving charity money rather than donating it. At first I was pleased about Craig’s moral victory, but I soon began to worry that none of my clothes are cool enough.
When I got home I had to go on at Mum and Dad for ages to get some money for new clothes. Dad said I could wear something from his wardrobe if I wanted. I told him it was No Uniform Day, not Halloween.
I even threatened to run away from home, but I’ve been saying this for over eighty years, so it doesn’t have much effect now. In the end, they coughed up a measly forty pounds, which is barely enough to buy some trousers and a top. When I mentioned to mum that I was going to spend it in the goth shop in the precinct, she even asked me to get her some candles out of the same money! They need to understand that prices have gone up since the nineteenth century.
WEDNESDAY 16TH MARCH
Today I found out that my parents have attacked another person here in town! I was in the goth shop, and I heard one of the assistants talking about how he’d been ill for a couple of days and was still feeling ‘seriously weak’. I went to the till and got a good look at his neck. Sure enough, there were a couple of holes right over the jugular.
When I told Mum and Dad about it, they said I must have made a mistake and that the holes were probably just a novelty tattoo, but I know vampire bite marks when I see them. Either they’re liars, or they’re getting so overcome by their desires that they don’t even know they’re doing it any more.
If they must feed on someone in town, they could hardly pick a worse victim that the assistant from the goth store. If a normal human remembers something about the experience afterwards, they’ll assume they’re having flashbacks to a nightmare. But as goths believe in vampires, they’ll have no problem accepting it and blabbing to their friends about how there’s a coven in town. Before we know it, we’ll have a huge queue of idiots in top hats, mesh shirts and winkle pickers banging on our front door and begging to be transformed.
Needless to say, we’d have to move to another town, and I’d be forced to leave my soulmate Chloe behind forever. It would be utterly unbearable.
I told Mum and Dad very firmly to stop snacking on local people willy-nilly, and slammed the door to emphasize my point.
THURSDAY 17TH MARCH
1PM
According to Craig, the kids from the toughest school in town are coming round after school to steal our phones and snog the best-looking girls. Everyone is really scared. I hope they don’t take Chloe.
7PM
Nothing happened after school. Craig was just winding us all up. Everyone pretended that they didn’t fall for it, but they did really. I have to admit, even I got swept along in the wave of hysteria.
Why am I so pathetic? I’m supposed to be an ancient and deadly creature of the night. Why was I getting worried about a bunch of kids who wear tracksuits and baseball caps?
10PM
I am refusing to speak to Mum and Dad until they own up to the attacks on the caretaker and the goth shop assistant. How can they expect me to be open with them when they string out such blatant lies?
The most infuriating thing about all of this is that I only found out about these attacks by chance, so I dread to think how many others they’ve carried out and kept hidden from me. And if they find it so easy to deceive me on this matter, what else are they keeping me in the dark about?
I know I sound paranoid, but this is what I’ve been driven to.
2AM
Mum and Dad wouldn’t let me have any blood unless I started speaking to them again. I was thirsty, so I had to give in to their demands, but I told them I will be treating everything they say from now on with the utmost suspicion.
FRIDAY 18TH MARCH
I wore my new black trousers and shirt from the goth shop to No Uniform Day. I looked quite cool, but my scuffed old shoes let my outfit down.
Chloe looked like a bit of a goth herself in a black t-shirt and a long black skirt, which I took as further proof that I’m just her type, although she doesn’t quite realize it yet.
Craig wore an expensive pair of white air-cushioned trainers rather than the ones that started the whole uniform controversy in the first place. Surprise of the day, though, was Darren, who wore a tracksuit bearing a proper brand name rather than the word ‘sport’.
When I commented on this curious turn of events to Chloe, she confessed that the tracksuit actually belonged to her father, and that she’d secretly lent it to Darren so he wouldn’t get teased. She is so caring and selfless. From now on I will try to think more about the needs of others rather than my own. That way she’ll be more likely to let me drink her blood.
SATURDAY 19Th MARCH
This morning was rainy so I went for a walk in the park. I like going out in bad weather, because I don’t feel the cold and I get the park to myself. I didn’t quite get the relaxing stroll I was hoping for, though.
> As I entered the gates, I noticed several squirrels standing on their back legs and baring their teeth. I suppose it should have looked odd to me, but I’m used to this kind of thing. All animals hate me. Dogs growl at me, cats hiss and arch their backs, and I’m sure I’ve heard pigeons coo aggressively once or twice.
So I thought nothing when I saw a group of squirrels glaring at me as I went about my morning stroll. I wasn’t really concentrating on them because I was thinking about Chloe, so I didn’t notice when the nasty things surrounded me. They blocked the path ahead of me, and when I glanced behind me, I saw hundreds of them there too. Before I knew it, the vile creatures were jumping on me and scratching me with their tiny claws. As I ripped them off and threw them to the ground, more came forward. It was only when I ran out of the park that the foul vermin ceased their attack and returned to standing on their back legs and glaring.
I’ve heard of vampires being attacked by packs of wolves and snakes before, but never a load of mangy squirrels. Why does it always happen to me?
SUNDAY 20TH MARCH
2PM
I didn’t want to go outside again after yesterday’s attack. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, but I think word has got round the animal kingdom that there’s a vampire who is too weak to fight back, and now they can all get their revenge on my kind.
If you believe the stories, they’ve got plenty to get revenge for. Dad once told me that a vampire sneaked on to Noah’s ark and chomped his way through hundreds of now extinct species including the seven-headed snake and the multicoloured panda. I used to believe Dad’s stories but now I think they’re to be taken with a pinch of salt.