by Tim Collins
We then sat in uncomfortable silence for a couple of minutes until he handed me another one of his old-fashioned pamphlets. I think if it were possible for vampires to blush, we’d have both been bright red!
WEDNESDAY 15TH JUNE
Chloe was engrossed in her homework this lunchtime so I went to the back of the gym to hang around with the goths instead.
I shouldn’t have bothered. They kept asking if my girlfriend was busy and saying that they thought they weren’t worthy of my attention any more. It was really immature and motivated by jealousy (admittedly, Brian does have a girlfriend, but mine is more attractive than his, so he has every reason to be envious).
I did my best to ignore it but I started to get riled when John said in a really sarcastic voice that I should go and check that my ‘princess’ was alright.
So I have officially broken friends with the goths now. Who needs friends when you have a girlfriend anyway?
THURSDAY 16TH JUNE
The leaflet Dad has given me is called Feeding on Humans Without Bleeding on Humans. Although it had a serious message, I couldn’t help laughing at the diagrams because they were so out of date. All the men were wearing huge velvet capes and the women were wearing gowns and corsets.
Nonetheless, I made an effort to take in all the safety advice in the leaflet. I just hope I can remember it if my desire for blood ever gets the better of me.
FRIDAY 17TH JUNE
Tomorrow I’m calling round at Chloe’s house and then we’re going out for a romantic walk in the park. Apparently it’s going to be a hot day so I’m putting on extra sunblock. Should be good.
SATURDAY 18TH JUNE
9AM
A strange start to the morning. Chloe has posted a note through our letterbox instructing me to meet her at the school gates rather than her house. It’s definitely her writing, and nobody else knows she calls me ‘Fangy’, but I find it odd that she chose to write a note rather than ring the doorbell and tell me. It’s not like she would have been waking anyone up.
The school isn’t on the way to the park, so I think she has a surprise trip planned. I’m off to meet her now, though I’m a bit wary about going near school at weekends. There was an incident last October when a group of ex-pupils broke in on a Saturday and draped toilet paper around the corridors. I wouldn’t like to be falsely associated with a weekend toilet paper attack if it happens again. I had enough trouble living down the monkey bum disease allegations.
6PM
Well, that was a stressful day to say the least. When I got to the gates of the school, I found another note in Chloe’s handwriting telling me to go to the gym. I had no idea what she would be doing in there on a Saturday. The only thing I could think of was that she might be helping with the preparations for the summer fair.
I saw that the fire doors to the gym were open, so I went in. As soon as I got inside, I felt like I was surrounded by bright flashing lights while the sound of metal scraping on metal was blasted directly into my brain. I fell down to the floor with my hands on my head trying to work out what was happening, and why Chloe thought that this would be a pleasant way for me to spend my Saturday.
The scene in front of me gradually came into focus, and I could see a barrier of bookshelves filled with crucifixes stretching across the width of the gym. All around me, the floor was covered in pungent cloves of garlic.
My first instinct was to run away, but as I forced myself to ignore the pounding in my head, it dawned on me that someone must know I’m a vampire, and I must be in trouble.
Was this an elaborate revenge planned by Wayne? Was it the goths’ idea of a practical joke? Could it really be true that Chloe was a vampire slayer, as I had once speculated?
This last possibility was ruled out when I saw my darling girlfriend in a gap between two of the bookcases, tied to a chair and with a gag over her mouth. A figure was lurking behind her, and through the haze of my migraine I made out that it was Mr Jenkins, the PE teacher!
I told him I was sorry I had lied about having a bad back, but kidnapping my girlfriend and torturing me was surely an excessive punishment. He asked me if I was really stupid or just pretending, which I thought was a bit rich coming from a PE teacher. He then bent down towards Chloe and took a good sniff of her neck. I wanted to get up and stop him, but I was still too weak from all the garlic and crucifixes.
Mr Jenkins looked at me and said that he loved the smell of type O-. Then he smiled, exposing two elongated fangs! I couldn’t believe it! My stupid PE teacher was one of us!
My head was spinning so much that it took a while for everything to fall into place, but at last I realized that it must have been Mr Jenkins who was responsible for the rogue vampire attacks in town, and not my parents after all. For a minute, I almost felt relieved, until I looked up again and saw his ugly face smirking at me.
Mr Jenkins told me that he knew all about my family, and that if I didn’t find a way to bring my dad to the gym by nightfall, he would drain Chloe’s veins so much that she’d never wake up again. Then he stooped down and pressed his fangs right up to her jugular. It was so unfair. She hasn’t even let me do that yet!
I managed to extract a promise out of him that he would release Chloe if I brought Dad in. So I crawled out of the gym and stumbled back home, where I’m writing this and waiting for Dad to get back from his Saturday hike. As usual, he’s not answering his phone.
I wish my stupid dad would hurry up and get here. He is putting my happiness at risk!
12AM
OK, I admit that if I’d thought about it, I would have realized that I was leading Dad into danger. But it’s hard to think rationally when your PE teacher has just taken the love of your life captive.
So when Dad got home, I told him he had to come to the school gym as I’d be performing in a surprise talent evening. It wasn’t a very good lie, and he was hardly falling over himself to get there, but I thought it was an invitation he couldn’t really turn down.
I know it was wrong of me to deceive Dad, but I’d just found out that he’d been lying to me my whole life about us being the last remaining vampires. If even the PE teacher at my school was a vampire, then how many others were still around? Perhaps he didn’t want to alarm me. Perhaps he was frightened that I’d run off and join another coven. Either way he should have told me the truth.
I ushered Dad through the door of the gym, telling him that the show was about to begin. The garlic and crucifixes floored us both when we got inside. I was prepared for it this time, but it was still really painful. I thought it might be easier for Dad to ignore the vampire repellents, but he seemed to be in just as much agony as me. By the time I managed to ignore my headache enough to see again, Dad was squinting at the gap between the bookshelves.
I heard him ask if it was ‘Vaclav’ he could see. I was about to tell him that it was just my stupid PE teacher who was causing all the trouble, when Mr Jenkins replied, ‘Of course it is. You didn’t think you could hide from me forever, did you?’
The weird thing was, my dad apologized to Mr Jenkins. I would have expected him to be angry rather than sorry. Mr Jenkins said there was no way he could be expected to show mercy when he had been shown none himself.
Mr Jenkins was good to his promise and released Chloe. She ran towards me and helped me to my feet. She was about to offer my dad a hand too when Mr Jenkins pulled out a Super Soaker water gun from behind one of the bookshelves. He told us that it was loaded with holy water and he’d cover my dad with it if we tried to rescue him. We were forced to leave Dad and Mr Jenkins alone in the gym as we made our escape.
Chloe helped me stagger out of the fire exit and across the playground. As I walked away from the gym and my headache faded, I began to think more clearly. We paused at the railings on the edge of the playground, and I stopped feeling frightened and started feeling angry. I thought about how Mr Jenkins had manipulated me to trap Dad, and how long he must have been planning his revenge. But the thing that re
ally tipped me over the edge was remembering how he’d threatened to drink Chloe’s blood when I haven’t even done that yet. My dear sweet Chloe! The one mortal who understands and accepts me! How dare that vile fiend threaten her?
A look of alarm on Chloe’s face snapped me out of my rage. I followed her gaze and saw that I’d somehow managed to bend back the iron railings I was holding on to. I tried bending the railing next to it and it gave like it was made of tinfoil. I bent another railing and then another. I could now feel a strength and power I had never known before flowing through my body.
I ran back to the gym in a matter of seconds and looked up at the high windows. I became aware that I was about to jump up high into the air and crash through one of them. Usually I would have been worried about doing this in case I landed in a funny way or got some glass in my eye, but I didn’t consider any of this. I wasn’t thinking rationally at all, to be honest. I was moving so fast by this point that I’m finding it hard to remember exactly what was going through my mind.
I know I jumped through the window, and landed on the floor beside Mr Jenkins. Now I was on the other side of the bookshelves, at a safe distance from the garlic and crucifixes and in a good position to attack. Mr Jenkins was ranting at my dad, but he turned his attention to me as I charged forwards.
I think Mr Jenkins was surprised at my newfound speed and strength, especially as I could hardly manage a press-up last time I’d been in one of his PE lessons. He tried attacking me with a flying kick, but I blocked it and forced him into a corner. He tried to punch me, but I caught his hand and pinned him against the wall. I would have said ‘How’s this for a press-up?’ But I didn’t think of it at the time.
Mr Jenkins wriggled free and jumped up to the top of the climbing frame on the gym wall. I leaped after him and ripped off one of the rungs of the frame to create a makeshift wooden stake. I tried desperately to ram it into his heart while he batted it away in terror.
I was getting the better of the struggle when I heard Dad calling from below. He said that we were vampires, and this was not how vampires do things.
He then started reeling off some ancient mumbo-jumbo I couldn’t follow, but it must have meant something to Mr Jenkins because he climbed down and solemnly nodded his head. I did the same. It was only as we were walking Chloe home that Dad revealed I’d agreed to fight a duel with Mr Jenkins under the ancient rules of the Vampire Council.
SUNDAY 19TH JUNE
In my anger last night, I forgot that killing Mr Jenkins would have meant permanent exclusion from vampire society. I would have had to leave Mum and Dad’s house. And you can bet my sister would have moved straight into my room. She’s always been jealous of me for having the biggest bedroom.
I am to fight the duel against Mr Jenkins at midnight next Saturday in the park. Neither of us will die, but one of us will eventually surrender, and go into exile for 100 years under terms dictated by the winner. I don’t know exactly what Mr Jenkins has planned for me, but I bet it will involve press-ups.
If I win, I’ve decided to banish Mr Jenkins to a small town in Kenya called Nanyuki, because I saw on a map that it’s right over the equator, so I’m guessing it gets loads of sunlight. Even if he worms his way into another PE teaching job, the sun will prevent him from torturing the pupils too much.
The annoying thing is that Mr Jenkins was in the middle of challenging my dad to a duel when I jumped in through the window, but because I attempted to kill him, I now have to take part in the duel instead. To be honest, I wish I’d left them to it.
MONDAY 20TH JUNE
9AM
Dad has phoned school to say I’ll be off sick this week as it’s forbidden for me to see Mr Jenkins before the duel. I doubt he’ll turn up at school either, as he’ll be too busy honing his vampire kung fu. I’m not going to waste my time worrying what he’s up to, though. I need to focus on my own preparation.
This afternoon I went to the park to test my vampire speed and I ended up circling the whole thing in a matter of seconds!
It’s funny to think that I was so convinced I didn’t have vampire powers, while they were in me all along, waiting to be set off. Perhaps the emergency situation I found myself in on Saturday forced me to unleash them. Or perhaps being in love has given me the confidence to access powers I’ve always had. I’d write a poem about it if I weren’t so busy.
7PM
Dad is supposed to be teaching me vampire martial arts today, but he’s still angry with me for luring him to the school gym and putting him at the mercy of Mr Jenkins.
I’ve said sorry. He needs to get over it.
Anyway, I should be annoyed with him! He said we were the last four vampires on earth! Now it turns out there are hundreds of us still around, and some of them, like Mr Jenkins, have long-standing vendettas against Dad for transforming them. He says it only happened when he was young and reckless and he doesn’t see why they still want revenge on him now he’s settled down with a family.
I’m not allowed to tell my sister any of this, as Dad says she’ll be happier not knowing, just as I would have been. The difference, though, is that I’m mature enough to cope with the truth. And rather than wasting my time accusing my parents of attacking the local townspeople, I could have been searching for the real culprit.
I have no doubt that I’d have used my powers of deduction to identify Mr Jenkins as the true perpetrator, and this whole unpleasant situation would have been avoided.
TUESDAY 21ST JUNE
3PM
I went out to the countryside this morning to try and get some control over my vampire speed and strength. I think I’m getting there. All I have to do is stand at the bottom of a cliff and focus on the energy building up inside me and a few seconds later I find I’ve jumped right to the top.
It feels amazing to finally access my powers after eighty-five years of believing I didn’t have them. I was having a great time splashing through streams, leaping up hills and uprooting trees, but I had to remind myself that I was here to train, not to mess around. It’s brilliant to finally have these abilities, but they won’t be much use if Mr Jenkins commands me to spend the next 100 years on a desert island living off stinky fish blood.
7PM
Chloe came round after school today. She’s been grounded for staying out late on Saturday, and has chosen to take the punishment rather than reveal anything about us. I am deeply moved by her loyalty.
I ran down the street in just four seconds to impress her, but she told me I should preserve my energy for the duel. She said that she’s very worried about it, especially as she won’t even be allowed out to watch it. I told her I’d text her afterwards and that even if I was banished to somewhere horrible she was welcome to join me. I don’t think I sold that idea very well, because she changed the subject.
She said she felt foolish for going into the school on Saturday with Mr Jenkins, but he told her that someone had daubed graffiti all over the gym and her sense of duty as a prefect took over from her common sense.
She gave me a quick kiss and rushed off home. I would have liked her to stay longer but in my current vampirey mood I didn’t trust myself to hold back from sinking my fangs into her neck, so it was probably for the best.
WEDNESDAY 22ND JUNE
My sister couldn’t believe it when I offered to play football with her today. Mum and Dad hadn’t told her that I’d finally got my vampire powers, and you could tell she was looking forward to dishing out another humiliating defeat.
She took her penalties first and I let her score them all like usual. But when she went into goal, I blasted the ball at her with such force that it carried her through the back of the net and into the fence at the bottom of the garden. She tried to kick the ball back at my face, but I batted it away with ease. She then charged towards me at top speed, and couldn’t believe it when I ducked out of the way. She ended up chasing me around the garden at such a pace that we destroyed the lawn and Mum sent both of us to our rooms.
My sister’s in a foul mood now she’s worked out I’ve got my speed and strength. Anyone would think she’d be pleased for me. She’s probably worried that she might stop being the centre of attention for once in her spoilt life.
Tonight I have been trying to learn vampire kung fu from one of Dad’s crusty old manuals, but it’s very difficult to hold onto a book when you’re performing a forty-foot back flip. I hope he stops fuming and agrees to teach me soon.
THURSDAY 23RD JUNE
Dad has finally given in and agreed to train me. About time too. Anyone would think he wanted me to go into exile.
We drove to a field in the remote countryside to ensure that we couldn’t be seen, and Dad demonstrated the basic moves of vampire kung fu. As I got more confident in my abilities, I could feel my strength increasing. It’s like I feel more alive (or more undead, to be accurate).
By the end of the day I’d learned the vampire leap, the ghoul jab, the nightstalker punch and the undead roundhouse kick. I’m off to practise these again in the garden now.
FRIDAY 24TH JUNE
2PM
I must have looked worried this morning because Mum made a lovely warm bowl of type B+ to cheer me up. She seems more concerned than Dad at the prospect of losing me for a century. She said that all she ever wanted was to settle down to a quiet family life and didn’t see why vampires like Vaclav (this is the name they use for Mr Jenkins) couldn’t just forgive and forget.
Much as I hate Mr Jenkins, I wouldn’t say his behaviour was entirely unjustified. From what I can gather, Dad transformed him over 200 years ago by accidentally infecting him with vampire blood while feeding on him. He then refused to let Mr Jenkins join his coven and wouldn’t even train him in basic vampire survival, forcing him to spend the next few decades drinking the blood of rats in the sewers of Prague.