“It’s a premixed formula bottle. In the car, let her have some, but you’ll have to let me know when to pull over so you can burp her.”
The way he studied me and my niece with genuine concern filled my heart to bursting. Things were shifting between us, and I wasn’t sure where I would land when it was all said and done; considering now that the baby was here—our arrangement was now over.
Onyx carried her to his car with me right behind them. There was something about seeing him carrying a car seat with such carefulness that made tears spring up. He took his time securing the seat, then looked to me, “Buckle up,” he said as I sat next to the baby.
The baby started crying as the belt clicked into place. “Shh…” I cooed, placing the bottle between her lips. She sucked right away, surprising me. This little being not even a few hours old knew how to eat. It was mind boggling.
“Clever house in ten minutes. Your daughter is ready to meet you,” I heard Onyx say as he ended the call. Excitement bubbled at the prospect of my sister seeing her daughter for the first time.
She sucked for long moments, then tore her mouth away from the bottle and began screaming. “I think I need to burp her?” Damn, I really needed to educate myself on babies and fast. They had to have a book like ‘Babies for Dummies’ or something. Hell, even ‘Aunts for Dummies.’
“Let me pull over.”
The car glided easily to a stop, and I worked at getting the little one unbuckled. She was screaming almost hysterically, and I felt the panic rise inside me. I’d never held a screaming baby before and even when I held her, she wouldn’t stop.
I looked to Onyx. “What am I doing wrong?”
His smile was gorgeous, but I didn’t have time to fully enjoy it. “First, you need to calm down. The baby can sense your moods and if you’re freaking out, she’s going to freak out.” I nodded, taking in huge gulps of air, feeling my heart slow a touch. “Hold her up to your shoulder so her mouth is a little above the blade and support her neck.”
Onyx never had patience with me, and it amazed me how much he had with me now, with the baby. It was like I was getting to see an entirely different side to Onyx Blake that not even living with him for a month showed me.
“Pat her back gently, then rub her back from her bottom to the top. It’ll help release the air bubbles. Think of it like you’re pushing the air up from her belly to its escape from her mouth.”
I followed what he said and she started to calm down. It took a bit, but the cutest little burp came from her, along with some spit up that went on my shirt.
“Oops, forgot to tell ya, you need a burp rag. Those are in the bag.” He chuckled, turning around.
“Gee, thanks.”
It was this moment between us, this fleeting moment of normalcy. My mind for a moment pictured Onyx with a baby of his own. Protective, patient, and powerful, he would be an amazing dad, I could feel it.
But for us, our time was coming to an end. Something I was once looking forward to, I was now dreading. Again, my mind was a battlefield of emotions all because of him.
After cleaning the baby up and making two attempts to get her in the seat properly, Onyx took off.
“How do you know so much about babies?”
His blue gaze penetrated me through the rearview mirror. “It’s my business. I don’t do anything half-way. The need to learn was there so I made sure to figure a few things out.”
He was so candid with me in a way he hadn’t been before. The secrets were out. Well, mostly. Curiously, I still wanted to understand things between him and James, but his business, his connection to my sister, now made perfect sense. Holding my niece, our family miracle, made everything worth it.
I wasn’t sure what he would say, but his response gave me pause. Then I asked it, “Do you impregnate these women?” My chest tightened at the thought of Onyx being with these women. While the gift of life was a precious one, the jealousy I was feeling was irrational, but still it was there.
His resounding laugh soothed my emotions and my soul. Not only did Onyx give my sister the most precious gift, but when Onyx rumbled a deep laugh, one I rarely had the privilege to hear, I felt like I was given a gift too.
“No. The baby in the seat has a surrogate’s egg and your brother-in-law’s sperm. No, they didn’t have sex. We did invetro-fertilization, and this little bundle came from that.”
Everything baffled me, from pulling up to the duplex, seeing the very elaborate birthing room, to watching my niece be born. All of it must have taken years and years to establish. Not to mention, Bianca didn’t seem at all uncomfortable that Onyx was in the room while she gave birth. The question was on the tip of my tongue ready to come out, but I held it in as the thought of me leaving him hit me once again like a blow from a bat.
Instead of dwelling, I turned to the bundle whose eyes were closed. Her skin was so soft and pure. Falling in love at first sight was something I never believed in. Lust, sure, but love took some time to grow and develop. But this little one blew that theory way out of the water.
Her. I loved her the second I saw her.
The car came to a stop, and I looked out the window. We were at another building, but this one didn’t look like the duplex we left. It was still private at the end of a housing development with no other homes close by, but this was a single family house. There was one car in the parking lot that I didn’t recognize. I was bubbling with excitement to show my sister her baby. Not that I’d have a chance to hold her once they got their hands on her.
Onyx opened the door, and I climbed out as he reached in and pulled the car seat out of the holder. “Here,” he said, handing it to me. It was scary holding this little innocent baby in this contraption. I was afraid to bump it or drop it. That would be heartbreaking.
He pulled out the bottom part of the car seat and the diaper bag, maneuvering it all over his body, then grabbing the seat and carrying it with practiced ease.
We entered the home that had been updated into a very welcoming wide living area with no walls blocking any views. There were colors everywhere, splashing here and there, so different than Onyx’s place. I took it all in, while Onyx got my niece out of the contraption containing her. He held the baby up to me and I took her, moving to one of the three rocking chairs in the room, along with a couch, loveseat and table in the middle.
The little one made some noises, but then settled down to sleep.
“Why is your house so white?” The words just tumbled out.
Onyx sat on the couch, extending his legs and crossing them at the ankles, while leaning back with his hands clasped behind his head. At ease, but the question caused him to tense just a bit. If I hadn’t been around him a lot over the past few weeks, I probably wouldn’t have noticed it. But I’d been fine tuning learning his, very few, tells.
“Because my soul is black enough.”
I made a move to speak as the front door flew open and Kennedy and Malcom strode in. Kennedy was crying which made me cry as I rose. “Meet your daughter.” Handing her off to my sister was one of the greatest joys of my life, besides cutting her umbilical cord.
Watching in amazement as the two took in their daughter, I sat next to Onyx. He released his arm and put it on the back of the couch, and I felt his fingertips grazing my shoulder back and forth, comforting me.
We kept quiet for a long time while they bonded, but then I couldn’t hold it in any more. “What’s her name?”
Kennedy smiled wide to me. “Ellie Torryn.” At this declaration, I lost my shit. Full-out body racking sobs. Ellie was my mother’s nickname short for Eleonore. Kennedy named her baby after our mother and me.
Onyx pulled me into him wrapping his warm arm around me as I cried in his shirt, all the while he stroked my arm back and forth. I just received my third special gift in the course of a couple of hours. Comfort from a man I was in love with. And that alone should have filled me with fear. How? When? I wasn’t sure, but seeing the moments of peace we
shared and looking at everything he had done, even the bad things, I still found this good inside of him.
It was a deep connection Onyx and I shared. I saw a different man than the outside world. Ellen Sue was right. Everything Onyx did was for a reason. There was a greater purpose all along and that was the pink bundle in my sister’s arms.
“Can we leave?” I heard Malcom ask, and dread filled my stomach. This was it. I would be leaving with my sister and her family, leaving Onyx behind. Collateral, that’s all I was. He used me, twice. Repeating those words did little to help. Every emotion inside me was at war. I had this revelation in this relaxed moment with this man only to once again find myself ripped from the life I had built. It wasn’t conventional, it wasn’t rational, but we had these special moments that were just ours. Now it was over.
“Sure thing. Call the office with her official name, correct spelling, and we’ll get you the birth certificate,” Onyx said casually, standing up and taking me with him. “You have our pediatrician’s number to get her first check-up tomorrow. Our nurse already uploaded all birth information into her patient portal.”
There were so many things I wanted in that moment that they all turned into a tornado of emotions spinning out of control. When Onyx pulled me to him and kissed my forehead, I knew this was it. I’d never see this man again. It would be like our time together never happened.
Part of me wanted him to tell me to stay with him, I wanted him to tie me to the bed. I didn’t feel ready to leave him. When the hell did that happen? I knew I was fighting with my emotions for him, but to be restrained again, would I do it for him? Yes. And that scared me as much as learning about a new baby.
Onyx looked down at me. “If you want your things from the house, let me know and I’ll have them delivered.”
My heart split, bleeding everywhere. He didn’t tell me I could come and pick it up, but that he would have my things delivered. Yes, this was really the end. With every amount of strength I had, I rolled up on my tiptoes and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “Thank you,” was all I could get out as I turned and followed my sister out the door.
Please call out. Please tell me not to go.
Hoping didn’t work, because he said nothing and part of me was left hallow. My earlier assumptions were true, I would never recover from being with Onyx Blake.
25
Onyx
I watched her walk out the front door of the house with her niece in tow. Malcom shook my hand like he was a gentleman and left with his family.
Family.
The word was my undoing, or was it the woman. I sat back down in the chair. The walls were a blue-gray shade with a navy, what our designer called, accent wall. The kitchen was done in a deep shade of red which drew your eyes to it from the living room since it was a relatively open concept. The designer we hired said it would be great for newborns as they couldn’t see well. Granted, the woman thought the home was built for a private adoption facility for disabled and drug addicted children. She knew the need to make it inviting and child safe.
Whatever lie we had to tell anyone to protect our organization we told.
“They’re gone, Paxton,” I muttered, waiting on him to emerge from the back bedroom.
“That was fast, playboy,” he said, strutting to the living room and snagging a spot on the couch.
The couch where I just held Torryn for the last time. The last time I touched her silky skin and smelled her hair.
“You fuckin’ let her go,” he stated, not hiding his shock.
“She was collateral on the deal. It was time.”
Leaning back, he relaxed into the space. “Bullshit.”
This was Paxton. He called me out faster than anyone. Dane might be the closest person to me, but Paxton was the one to balance me, challenge me. In return, I was the same for him. We were the one’s to keep the other in line, it worked.
“Her family kept their word, she held up her end, I have no use for her now.”
He studied me. “There’s more.”
“At one time, there might have been. Now, they’re a happy family. I move on. She moves on.”
I gave him my honest feelings. Seeing her with little Ellie in her arms, I needed to let her go. The life I lived, the games I played, they weren’t for a woman like her.
“When we were kids, you used to tell me boys like us were born to be men to rule the world, our world.” Paxton reminded me of a time when I refused to be held back by anyone. A time when everything was stripped from all of us.
“Your point?”
I stood, needing to pace to catch up with my mind. My hand instantly went to my pocket to tinker with the lighter always in my possession. His eyes went to my pocket knowing what was there.
A smile played on his lips. “Give me the lighter.”
I shook my head. “You can’t smoke in here!”
He laughed, and I failed to find any of this funny. He stood, extending his hand expectantly.
“You let the past keep ahold on you, Onyx. From the strongest boy to the weakest man.”
My blood boiled into overflowing lava. Releasing the lighter, I balled up my hand into a fist as I pulled it from my pocket and swung. My knuckles connected directly with his face.
“I’m far from weak, motherfucker. Family or not, you will not cross me.”
Hit after hit, I pounded on him.
Paxton took them all.
My frustrations built higher and higher. He remained standing as his face was bloodied, and I was sure his ribs burned with every blow they took as I kept at him. Everything poured out of me with each throw of my fist crushing into his body. Emotions I’d locked down for thirty years came to the surface, exploding in a kaleidoscope of colors. Each one pulling me in different directions.
“A chain,” I panted, my breaths becoming heavy in the anger as I swung, “is only,” inhaling deeply, he stumbled momentarily as I was unrelenting, “as strong…”
Boom.
His fist connected with my jaw with a sharp uppercut. “As it’s weakest link,” he finished my statement, spitting blood on the hardwood floors. “Together we’re a unit. A unit of power, discipline, and motherfuckin’ strength. Torryn, she shook something inside you, Onyx. Beat the fuck outta me, Dane, or Garrett. Fuckin’ beat the hell out of your mind, I don’t give a single shit. But we play this game together. A chain bonded in bloodshed. If you’re really able to let go of Torryn then you are more than capable of letting go of the fucking lighter from the past.”
His words hit me harder than any blow I had ever taken. Yanking the lighter out of my pocket, I threw it at him to which he caught it, flipped it open, and flicked the roller to strike the flint.
The flame danced in front of his eyes the same way it did that night. A night that sealed our lives together in bloodshed.
Our chain was stronger than any steel, unbreakable, and restraining at times, but it was what drove us together and would never allow us to part.
Without looking back, I made my way out of the front door. Paxton would have the cleaners there in a matter of hours to sanitize the meeting place for the next family. It would all be handled.
Reaching my car, I got in feeling it empty without her. Looking in the rearview mirror, her gorgeous eyes didn’t stare back at me. Instead, there was nothingness and for once, I fucking hated the blank canvas.
If I felt this way in my car, how would going to the Manor be? For the first time since I purchased the Manor, my solitude away from everything, I felt this ache pulling me to not go there, but to, instead, go to the Lainer’s home.
Though, if I did, I couldn’t force her to come with me this time and as much as I wanted to tie her to my bed, she upheld her part of the deal, and I’m a man of my word.
Pulling up to the Manor and parking, I entered and just like I thought, the place was cold and sterile. Torryn’s life and color was gone. Her laughter, her arguments… all of it vanished. The Manor never felt empty because the white ma
de me feel like my soul could survive. Now, it did the complete opposite.
Striding up the stairs and entering the bedroom, I stilled inside the doorway. The room smelled of vanilla and the sheets were still ruffled from our sleep. Her clothes lay on the floor like she was in a hurry to get to the baby, not caring where they landed.
The bathroom light was on, still with no door on the hinges.
And everything other than Torryn’s clothes were white.
Sitting on the bed, I placed my hands in my hair, elbows resting on my knees. How could collateral turn into so much more than a job? I knew the answer, but couldn’t face it.
26
Torryn
Two Weeks Later
I never called Onyx to bring me the clothes he bought me, because I’d never wear them. Each piece would be a reminder of the time with him, and the less of those I had, the better. Not that I hadn’t picked up the phone numerous times wanting to, even dialing the number and leaving off the last digit only to hang up.
Nights were sleepless, and the dreams wouldn’t end. They kept circling around and around me on a continuous loop, replaying my time with him.
Living in my sister’s guest room wasn’t ideal, but it was what I had to work with at the moment. My apartment was gone, but I suspected that anyway because I didn’t have the money to pay for the rent even before I left with Onyx.
The positive note was I had a job interview this morning, and it went really well. I hoped to get a call later in the day saying I got the job. It was in graphic design, but it was a low on the totem pole gig and, again, I feared my time there would be cut short. Unfortunately, I needed something because there was no way I was laying around my sister’s house mooching off of them. Two weeks of that was long enough.
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