by Linda Wisdom
“Yes. Stop acting sorry for yourself and give the guy a chance if he wants to talk to you about what happened back then. You just might be surprised.”
“Tess, when I met Jess, he was walking a fine line with the law, like someone else we know. Several people at school warned me about him, saying he only cared for himself and refused to conform to anything that smacked of establishment. It was predicted that he would probably end up in prison one day. He didn’t care about his studies and only attended class when he felt like it. Ironically several of his instructors let him get away with a great deal, because they felt he had potential and hoped the day would come when he would use it.” Her lips curved in a mirthless smile. “If only they could see him now.”
“I wonder what caused such a radical change in him,” Tess commented, wrapping aluminum foil around the rolls and setting them on the counter. “No man goes from one extreme to the other without a good reason.”
“I really don’t care.”
Tess smiled at Sara’s careless words. “I think you do. You’re just too stubborn to admit it. We’re having a barbecue Saturday night, so put it on your social calendar. You need to get out more. Tim is more than welcome if he doesn’t mind being around grown-ups and little monsters, and so is Jackson if he cares to be sociable.”
“Sounds good. I’ll bring a salad and dessert.”
“Make something sinful,” Tess advised with a saucy wink. “I’m sure I’ll see or talk to you before then. Take care, Sara.” She walked over to her and hugged her tightly.
After Tess left, Sara sat back down at the table, thinking about the first time she and Jess had made love. She had been so frightened, not of the act, but at the idea of Jess laughing at her obvious inexperience. But he hadn’t laughed, instead he told her how much he cherished her and that he would never hurt her. They lay in his bed, the covers trailing down to the floor and talked about what their futures would be like. From the beginning Jess had taken great care in protecting her from pregnancy, until that one night. How clear it remained in her mind.
“I didn’t think it could happen!” she had cried out. “I thought nothing could go wrong.”
“Honey, I’m sorry, but it broke,” he told her, taking her in his arms. She had cried, fearing the worst, and he had comforted her the best way he knew how.
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you if … well, if … you know.”
Yes, she knew ten weeks later, but she had left Jess by then, and her stubborn nature refused to allow her to contact him.
Sara had felt so bitter and hurt regarding Jess back then.
“Hey, you gonna stay up here all day, or you comin’ back to help me?” Jackson growled from the open back door. “I’m an old man, you know. I can’t do everything at once.”
Sara knew better, but she would allow him his grumbling. “Jackson, you can do more than a man half your age, and you know it.” She glanced at the clock on the microwave and stood up. “How about some lunch first?”
“We have any ham left?”
“Yes. Does that mean ham sandwiches are all right?”
“Only with lots of mustard. You never use enough.” Sara grimaced as she brought out the sandwich makings and took a loaf of sourdough out of the bread keeper. “Your idea of lots of mustard is three-quarters of the jar.” She set everything on the counter and reached into the cabinet for plates. “Any business?”
“A couple people for gas. Someone else stopping by for directions, so don’t count your first million just yet.”
Sara quickly assembled a sandwich for herself and two for Jackson and carried the coffeepot over to the table.
“Does the bastard know what kinda hell you’ve been through all these years, thanks to him?” Jackson ate half his sandwich in one neat bite.
“Last I heard ministers worked to keep you out of hell, not put you there. Besides, I put myself there. He had nothing to do with it.”
He muttered under his breath, careful that Sara didn’t hear the exact wording.
“What’re you going to tell Tim?” he demanded.
“Nothing.”
“He might find out.”
“I doubt it,” she replied calmly. “Who would connect the pious Reverend Larkin with someone like me?” Bitterness laced her words.
“It won’t be difficult as long as he looks at you like you’re the damn blue-plate special at Elsie’s Diner,” he rumbled, attacking his second sandwich with gusto. “Dammit, Sara, there’s hardly no mustard on this thing!”
Sara toyed with the end of .her braid. “Your language and your grammar get worse every day. By rights you should have your mouth washed out with soap. Except that I’d go through at least two bars of soap a day.”
“At my age I can say anything I damn well please without answering to anyone,” he said smugly, pleased to be one up on her. “That’s why I never married. I didn’t want some woman messing up my life.” He grinned wickedly at her.
Sara rolled her eyes. “No wonder Tim talks as if he lived in a locker room when you’re his only example.”
“I remember you calling the washer some pretty nasty names a week ago,” he pointed out, still smug.
“The longer I know you, the more I understand why Harvey threatened to murder you at least once a day,” she attacked without venom. Their playful arguments were part of a way of life in the Murdock household.
“He wasn’t all that easy to get along with either,” Jackson reminded her, a strange note in his voice as he thought about his closest friend.
Sara thought about the gruff man who rarely had a kind word for anyone, but who hadn’t thought twice when a young girl needed a roof over her head. Harvey Carson had loudly claimed more than once that he would never allow a woman into his house and thought the institution of marriage was just that, an institution. Yet he waited on Sara hand and foot during the last months of her pregnancy and insisted she lift nothing heavier than a handkerchief. It was thanks to his straight forward common sense and his and Jackson’s squabbling that she was able to retain her sanity instead of wondering what had gone wrong with her young life. For that she was thankful.
After lunch they returned to their separate duties. Jackson decided it was time to work on his truck, and Sara remained at the house to do some cleaning. It didn’t take her long to have the two bathrooms sparkling and the rooms dusted and beds fitted with clean sheets. She had to do anything she could to keep Jess from her mind. What was she going to do? How could she attend church every Sunday and look up at the man sermonizing and remember how he once looked naked in her bed?
Sara’s laughter held a hysterical note, the towels dropping from her nerveless hands. That was one memory she preferred to keep buried deep. How many times had they just lain together in bed talking about their dreams? Jess’s skin was always so warm under her fingertips that she never tired of touching him. Just the way he never tired of touching her, as if he couldn’t get enough of her. She had done so well putting him out of her life that his return wasn’t something she could handle very well. And she couldn’t understand why. The feelings were dead and gone. Her heart had told her that. So why did her head ask so many questions’!
“I’M GLAD YOU WERE ABLE to come out here ahead of time,” Reverend Mapes told Jess that same afternoon as they sat together in the large study where Reverend Mapes wrote his sermons and met with members of his congregation. The elderly man watched his replacement with eyes not entirely dimmed from age. He knew Jess was troubled by something and had a vague idea what it might be, but decided to allow Jess to initiate the conversation. “You’ll find out that smaller towns are different in their outlook than the big cities, because we tend to have more get-togethers and every kind of bake and rummage sale imaginable. People out here help each other.” He smiled. “Being unmarried you’ll also be invited to dinner a great deal, and I’m sure the single women are already planning their strategies.”
Jess looked up. He’d already counted the r
oses in the faded carpet once, and he didn’t intend to do it again. Lounging in the easy chair in his jeans and cotton shirts he didn’t look the picture of a typical small-town minister. “The woman who fainted yesterday;” he said abruptly. “I gathered from comments she isn’t one of the town’s leading citizens. Why?”
Reverend Mapes stared into eyes that reminded him of another pair of eyes. This pair serene, the other angry with the world. He prayed one man would be able to help the other. The more he looked, the more he was positive the resemblance was not sheer coincidence.
“Sara Murdock,” he spoke slowly. “A very lovely woman who grew up here. She’s always had a smile and a kind word for everyone. Her family goes back several generations, and she’s always been proud of that, although considering her parents it says a lot on how certain characteristics can skip a generation.”
“Why?”
The older man sighed. “Tom and Alice Murdock were very active in the church, and Alice could be counted on for bringing a casserole to someone ill or setting up a baby shower, but she didn’t do it out of the goodness of her heart. She did it because it was the right thing to do.” Reverend Mapes continued, telling his new minister about Sara’s life with her parents and of her dreams to achieve, to learn, to go away to college.
Jess moved restively in his chair. He had a pretty good idea where this story was leading, and as he knew parts Reverend Mapes didn’t, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear the parts he didn’t know. The reverend shook his head, looking sad. “I called in a few favors to help her receive a scholarship, and she did very well her first two years. When she suddenly returned and explained she had dropped out of school, her parents said it was a shame she wasted all that time in school when her learning would never be used. When she discovered she was pregnant, the reaction was much worse. Her parents, well, they tried their best, but they just couldn’t handle the idea that their little girl had gotten into trouble. She made the decision on her own to move out to relieve the tension in the household.”
Jess looked pained. “How did she live?” His voice as husky. Why hadn’t she called him? Then he remembered. Judging from the time frame, there was no way she could have gotten hold of him, unless she had tried his parents, and they had written him off long before then.
Reverend Mapes recounted the story of old man Carson, as well as the opinion of some of the town’s elderly women. “Actually I think if it could have been done, they would have run her out of town on a rail. Instead, she told them her roots were here, she wanted her son’s roots to be here, and she wasn’t leaving just because they didn’t like her presence. It hasn’t been easy for her, but she never quit. I give her a lot of credit for sticking when she could have just as easily run away.
Jess did too. “Did she ever talk about the boy’s father?” He stared back down at the carpet. “No, she never did. She’s had a few marriage proposals in the past. Unfortunately a couple of them didn’t want Tim, and she refused to give him up. It’s a shame that the boy has generated so much anger over the years,” he commented. “He’s angry at the world and angry at the people here for treating his mother the way they do.”
“The boy, what’s he like?” Jess had a faint memory of a tall boy standing next to Sara yesterday, his shock when she had fainted and how careful he was with her as they left the church.
“Tim has the brains to go far. Sara told me he scored very high in all the tests, but he doesn’t have the motivation to get somewhere. Probably because the teachers think he’s a lost cause and won’t work with him enough. But he cares a great deal for his mother.” The older man smiled. “Deep down he’s a good boy, the trouble is few people care to find that out.”
Jess flinched. The story sounded all too familiar.
Reverend Mapes hesitated until the younger man lifted his eyes. “Who knows, you might be the one to show him the way.”
Jess’s lips curved in a slight smile. “I think I’d like that,” he said softly, remembering another man long ago who had shown him the way. Perhaps this was his chance to say a very special thank-you to that man.
“TIM, YOU CANNOT GO OUT tonight!” Sara informed him tautly, watching her son drag on his denim jacket. “My homework’s done.”
“That’s not the point! Mrs. Williams called today. She said you’re failing history and English. If you don’t bring your grades up by the end of the quarter, they will have no choice but to expel you.”
“Good. Then maybe I can do something useful with my life instead of wasting it in school.” His face tightened with the inner anger he had carried for so long it seemed a part of him.
“If you want to do something useful, study harder to get your grades up!” she shouted, her hands braced on her hips. “If you need help, I’ll do anything I can. Dammit, don’t do this!”
Tim turned away. He didn’t like to upset her. He did love his mother and wanted to do anything he could for her, but she couldn’t understand why he hated school so much, and he didn’t want to tell her and see the pain fill her face. She would think it was her fault, and he refused to allow that to happen. Instead he preferred to spend his evenings with guys who didn’t care he was a screwup. Maybe they weren’t the kind his mom would approve of, but they knew how to have a good time. A part of him wondered if Lora Summers would care who he was. The trouble was, he was too afraid to find out. He already saw what kind of guys hung around her, and he doubted he would be welcome. But he knew where he was and that was where he was going.
“Tim, please, stay home. Let’s talk things over. I’m so afraid for you being out so much with those boys. I don’t want to see you get into any trouble.” Sara’s voice throbbed with emotion. She felt as if she were on the verge of tears, and the feeling overwhelmed her. She put a hand out, but he moved away before she could touch him.
He stood with his back to her, his hands braced on his hips, his head bowed in thought. “Don’t sweat it.”
“But I do worry about you, dammit!” Sara turned away, grateful that Jackson was at his weekly poker game. She didn’t think she was up to hearing his well-intentioned advice. She didn’t move when denimcovered arms circled her waist and a familiar chin rested on the top of her head.
“Mom, I do love you,” he said quietly. “You know that, but I’m not getting anywhere here. That’s not your fault,” he added hastily. “It’s mine.”
“I’m glad to see you realize that,” she murmured. She wondered how Tim could make her so angry one moment and close to tears the next. “So why are you trying to make me so crazy?”
He chuckled. “It’s the age, Mom. Don’t you read any of those why-is-my-kid-doing-this-to-me articles?”
She turned around. “You have so much potential, Tim. I just want to see you make good use of it.”
“Oh, come on, that’s what school counselors hand out to all the parents so they won’t know how dumb their kid really is,” he argued. She placed her hands on his arms, surprised at the muscle underneath the jacket. When had this happened? she asked herself. How could he have grown up without her knowing it? Was she the kind of mother who preferred remembering him in little sailor suits and riding a tricycle?
“I just don’t want us to grow apart,” she said softly, not caring if her fears were revealed so blatantly.
He hesitated. Part of him still wanted to go out. Not necessarily to get into trouble, but to be with other misfits like himself. He knew if he went now he wouldn’t enjoy himself, because he’d remember how hurt his mother looked.
“If anyone finds out I stayed home because you wanted me to, I’d lose my reputation.” he muttered, with a scowl on his face. Her lips quivered with a fleeting smile. “I won’t ask you to play Monopoly.”
Chapter Four
Sara made sure she kept herself busy so she couldn’t think about Jess. When the evening of Tess and Charlie’s barbecue came around, she felt more than ready to relax and enjoy herself in the company of her friends. Their large two-story house in th
e center of town always looked the same with its various toys and bicycles littering the front yard showing the friendly neglect of a family who preferred spending time with each other instead of working in the yard to keep it well-manicured.
Sara withdrew a pasta salad and chocolate-chip cheesecake from her car’s passenger seat and carried her contributions to the barbecue around to the back of the house where she could hear sounds of children squealing and adults chattering in loud voices. Her eyes widened when she saw what amounted to a small crowd scattered throughout the backyard.
“Sara, hi!” One woman greeted her with a broad smile. “Oh my God, you made that sinful cheesecake, didn’t you? There goes the diet, because there’s no way I’ll be able to stay away from it.”
“Don’t worry, Maggie, I always bake the calories out of it,” she teased the woman, another classmate. She glanced warily around at the other guests, although she knew she had nothing to worry about. She had gone to school with a majority of the people present and knew they didn’t look upon her with scorn the way most of the town’s older residents did.
After setting the dishes on a counter in the kitchen and greeting several other women, Sara wandered back outside.
“Hey, lady, no one is allowed here without a drink.” Charlie handed her a glass of white wine and pressed a kiss on her cheek at the same time. “How ya doing?”
She sipped the cool liquid and smiled her thanks.
“Better now.” She glanced around. “Tess didn’t tell me you were having an all-out bash tonight.”
“She knew if she did, you wouldn’t come.”
“She was right.” Sara nodded and smiled at several people who called out to her. She noted a volleyball net set up at the edge of the yard with a lively game between six men going on and children splashing in the above ground pool set in another corner. When Tess and Charlie had bought the house several years before, Charlie had the yard landscaped into a place ideal for children to play in safely. And as Tess and Charlie enjoyed entertaining and had the room to do it, they hosted a great many parties that involved entire families.