by Linda Wisdom
Sara couldn’t keep her eyes off him as her brain raced with questions regarding this new mood. Correction, not a new mood. This was the Jess she had first met and fallen in love with. Her blue eyes wide, she watched him pick up a napkin and dab the corners of her mouth. The closer he got, the more convinced she was he was going to kiss her.
“There, all nice and clean.” Jess smiled at her.
He continued smiling as his face again grew closer to hers. “Let’s see if you taste as good without honey as you did with;” he murmured against her lips.
“The chicken,” she breathed, fully aware every piece she had brought had been picked clean, but there was no real protest in her voice or eyes.
“He’ll have to find his own lady to kiss.” Jess leaned forward until Sara had no choice but to lay back against the blanket, her hair fanning out around her head in golden waves. “I’m glad to see you wore it loose,” he murmured, touching one strand, watching it curl around his fingers.
“Should we?” she questioned tentatively. Now that she had accomplished what she had cooked and dressed for, she wasn’t sure it was a good idea after all. Her apprehension disappeared the moment he stretched out beside her on his stomach.
“Oh, yes.” His mouth played lightly over hers, sipping and nibbling until her lips opened, inviting his exploration. His tongue slid over her lower lip then along the bowed contours of her upper lip before slowly slipping inside. The moist warmth and sweet taste was more than he remembered. Groaning, his mouth covered hers fully, and his tongue thrust deep inside.
Sara’s heart didn’t stop singing. This was the Jess she remembered. The hard, lean man kissing her with a voracious hunger was the same man who had made the fierce love to her that resulted in their son. She curled her arms around his shoulders pulling him even closer to her. Husky murmurs were traded between the two lovers as their mouths reacquainted themselves with every centimeter of their faces and throats. Needing more, Sara eagerly pulled Jess’s T-shirt away from his jeans and slid her hands underneath to stroke her palms over his heated skin.
“Sara, you feel the same yet different,” he murmured.
“I am different.” She adored the feel of his body over hers. She arched up against him in what she hoped was a seductive manner. Finally she took his hand and laid it over her breast.
It could have been minutes or even hours as they lay together, their lips meeting again and again, their bodies rolling gently together, their mouths exchanging soft love words interspersed with gentle laughter. Their eyes met in another silent form of language. They became aware of nothing but each other, until Sara knew she wanted nothing more than for Jess to make love to her and said so.
After she spoke he closed his eyes tightly and rolled away, keeping his arm crooked over his eyes. Sara lay there, confused by the sudden turn of events. One thing she hadn’t expected was to be rejected so abruptly. She lay on the blanket breathing deeply to dispel the tumultuous feelings running through her throbbing body.
“Did-did I do something wrong?” she asked hesitantly, her voice raw with unshed tears. He turned his head and offered her a slow smile. “No, love, you did everything right. That’s the problem.”
Sara sat up on her knees. “What’s the problem?”
Jess sighed wearily. “The problem is this is not the right time for us when there’s so much else going on. And when I do make love to you, I will make love to you as my wife, no less.”
Sara could only stare at him, certain she had misunderstood him and unsure if she wanted to believe what she had heard.
Chapter Thirteen
“As your wife?” Sara echoed, then threw back her head, laughing so hard Jess wasn’t sure if she found it that funny or she was hysterical. He decided to opt for the former.
“I don’t see the humor in it,” he said stiffly.
Just as abruptly her laughter stopped. She took several deep breaths and organized her thoughts before speaking. “Jess, right now we have no solid ground to discuss something as serious as marriage. There is definitely a physical attraction between us, one that started years ago and has redeveloped now. But that isn’t something to base a long-term commitment on.” Her eyes looked very sad and much older than her years.
“Jess, we share a son, and I would never deny that, although it still isn’t something to bring out into the open just now. As I told you before, this town has rigid ideas. While many understand the world has changed and unwed mothers aren’t to be ostracized anymore, they still wouldn’t understand if they learned their new minister, the one they’ve come to respect so highly, fathered a child sixteen years ago and that child is known as a troublemaker.”
“I was not a saint back then,” he said tightly.
“None of us were. But Jess, what you’re trying to do is make up for the past, and I can’t allow you to do that.”
Jess stood up and walked down to the water’s edge. With his body rigid and hands braced on his hips, he looked like a man carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“I’m neither a martyr nor a small boy who doesn’t know his own mind, Sara,” he gritted. “I’ve thought about us for a long time. We had our problems in the past, but they no longer exist. I want us to start a new life together.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Oh? Why not?” he shot back, then attacked further when he saw she had no answer. “It’s not easy only to you, no one else. You’re just afraid.”
“And what’s wrong with that? Your work is very important to you and others.” Knowing the kind of man he had grown into, Sara was aware the problems people showered him with, the way they looked up to him. No matter was so trivial they didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to the pastor about. There were some who would ridicule him if they knew the truth about Tim. She couldn’t allow that. It was in that split second that Sara knew she had only one option. And no matter what, she couldn’t discuss it with Jess. No, this was something she had to do on her own. For years she had kept her own counsel, worked hard to provide a decent home for her son and to try to keep him out of trouble, yet the minute Jess arrived in town she ran to him with every minor problem. That was also the moment that she knew she loved him all over again, and this time her love was that of a mature woman for a mature man.
“Jess, I have to return to the station,” she said quietly, repacking the basket.
He nodded, not bothering to turn around. He was still so angry with her he couldn’t think straight. “Just tell me one thing.”
Sara was instantly wary. “If I can.”
“This wasn’t some kind of lark for you, was it? I mean, we did part on pretty bad terms the last time. You didn’t look at it as some kind of revenge, did you?”
She could feel her eyes fill with tears, but she wasn’t about to allow them to fall. “No, I didn’t.” She carried the basket to her car and turned back to look at him. He still hadn’t turned around. Without thinking she went to him and laced her arms around his waist; she pressed her lips against the warm cotton of his shirt. “Back then and now you were the best thing to happen to me,” she whispered. Just as suddenly her arms dropped, and she ran back to her car.
Jess didn’t turn when he heard her car leaving. Funny, he thought to himself, he would have sworn that she had said goodbye to him. Not a goodbye, see you later, but a very final goodbye.
He did love her. The warm, all-encompassing love between two adults. He wanted to make love to her, he wanted to explore her body and rediscover what he had once known and learn the changes that had been made over the years. He couldn’t miss the fuller breasts and womanly curve of her hips that hadn’t been there before. The physical side of his love was very strong, but this time he wanted to take the time to talk to her, to learn her thoughts and views on everything that he hadn’t bothered about before, because all he had thought about was taking her to bed. It took him a lot of years, but he finally understood what true love was. And he wanted to share it with
Sara.
He was tempted to tell all to Tim, but he had promised Sara that wouldn’t be done until they both decided the time was right. She had asked that he tell the boy about his time in jail, and he would keep that promise that very afternoon. He remained by the water for a long time looking at the placid surface as if he could find all his answers there. If only it was that easy.
JACKSON WATCHED SARA CLOSELY, noting she had almost dropped a crescent wrench on her foot several times.
“You gonna tell me what’s got you in a snit?” he rumbled, stopping her from using the wrong oil filter in the car she was working on.
“I’m not in a snit,” she said quietly. “Then what do you call it?”
Sara shrugged. What would she call it? Jess thought her reaction to his offhand proposal meant she viewed his words as a joke. Far from it. If she hadn’t laughed, she quite probably would have broken down in tears. “Call it a wish to return to simpler times.”
“There never was anything like that, honey,” Jackson said gruffly, laying a grimy hand on her shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “Don’t ask for somethin’ you can’t have.”
This time she almost didn’t hold back her tears. She was well aware that just because the man was in his seventies didn’t mean he was in his dotage. He was too shrewd at times. “I could have had it,” she whispered, staring off into space.
“I could have.” She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t hear the old man move away.
WHEN TIM SHOWED UP that afternoon, he and Jess first drove over to the Y for their workout. Tim still found it a chore, and even with the assurances from Jess and the man in charge of the gym that the more times he worked at it the easier it would become, he still loudly complained he was ready to die. What he didn’t admit was that deep down he was already beginning to enjoy working with the free weights and discovering just how much body strength he had. Not the kind of strength to use in a fight, but the kind that utilized his entire body and mind. When he finished, streams of sweat flowed down his body, but he felt more relaxed than he had in a long time.
“What does the judge think of you counseling me like this instead of sessions in an office where I tell you how much I hate everybody?” Tim asked when they stopped for a Coke.
Jess laughed. “You’ve watched too many movies. When I worked at the halfway house, I shot baskets with one kid and jogged with another.” He went on to talk about some of the boys he worked with, being careful to keep personal information confidential but giving Tim an idea exactly what he had done in Atlanta. “My methods are considered unorthodox by quite a few people, but I feel we then have something in common and interact better for it. I admit it didn’t always work, but I didn’t fail every time, either. Judge Carmody doesn’t believe in too much; I think he was born a cynic. But I do know he contacted everybody possible about me and learned enough to allow me to handle this my way. If I screw up, well, I’ll probably be in chains right next to you.” He grinned, receiving a grin back that perfectly echoed his own.
“Nah, I doubt that would happen to you,” Tim scoffed.
“It did once.”
Tim put his Coke down and looked at the older man. “You were in chains once?” He took it as a joke, but the serious expression on Jess’s face told him differently.
“No, I was in jail.”
Tim laughed hesitantly. “What happened, did you protect one of those kids you counseled or something?”
“No, I was in jail for nine months for picking a fight and beating up a kid pretty badly,” Jess said quietly.
That caught the boy’s attention. “For fighting? Hey, you’re one of the most laid-back guys I’ve ever met. No offense, but I can’t see you doing that.”
Jess nodded. “I did, Tim. There was a time when my temper was as bad, if not worse than yours. When I grew angry I used to go out just looking for a fight, and due to the places I frequented it wasn’t very difficult to find one.” He kept eye contact with him, determined he was going to believe a story he told few people. In fact, Sara had been the first to hear it in years.
“Why?” Tim asked. “Why would you fight with a guy and land in jail”
“Because the girl I thought I loved then had left me,” he said quietly. “I was twenty-two, cocky as all get-out and had the love of a beautiful girl. She wanted to get married, I didn’t. In the end she left me, and my ego insisted she would be back. She never returned, and I grew angrier with each passing day. Pretty soon I convinced myself I didn’t need her and began partying pretty hard. One night I got drunk, felt a little maudlin because she had left me and picked on some kid who was probably half my size. The fight wasn’t pretty, the judge said I was guilty and I was clapped in jail before I knew it.”
“You did all that for some girl?” He was incredulous. “Hey, it’s not worth it. There’s others out there.” Tim stopped at the knowing look on Jess’s face, then flashed a sheepish smile. “It sounds like something I should listen to, huh?”
“You’re still young, but that’s your only excuse.” He clapped him on the back. “Still, it’s not a piece of bad advice, and if I were you, I’d try to remember it in the future.”
Tim grimaced. “I’ve already decided girls aren’t worth the trouble.”
“Sure, they are. And you’ll agree when you find the right one,” Jess said easily, tossing his empty cup in the trash. “I better get you back before your mother shoots me.”
“I don’t think she’d do that.” Tim was unconcerned. “She really likes you.” He stopped, his head bent as he fumbled for the proper words. “I was up when she came home from that party you took her to and, well, she was crying.” He looked up, eyeing Jess. “No matter what some of the people said to her, even that old biddy Masterson, she never cried.” His meaning came through loud and clear. “No one was rude to her, Tim,” Jess replied. “In fact, I think she enjoyed herself more than she expected. As to why she was crying, well, I told her the same story I told you,” he said truthfully, “She took it rather hard. Not that she held anything against me, because she understood that was part of my past, not my present, but…well, women are notoriously softhearted.” There was so much more he wanted to tell him. The problem was how to do it.
Tim thought about it. “Yeah, I guess it was a surprise for her. Some people around here treat her like dirt while they really aren’t any better.”
“That’s why we’re told to turn the other cheek,” Jess told him. “And Sara has done an admirable job of doing just that. There aren’t many women who could have stood up to what she has.” He put the truck in gear and eased it out of its parking space. “Just remember she’s suffered just as much as you say you have, and maybe the next time someone ticks you off you’ll stop to think before you lash out.”
“I won’t make any promises,” Tim warned. “I have a bad habit of not stopping to think.”
“We all did it at one time or another. Just try, okay?” Jess advised. “That’s all I ask.”
Tim nodded. He looked out as the truck stopped in front of his house. He placed his hand on the door handle and paused. “I know you didn’t have to do this,” he said hesitantly. “Well, I just want you to know I appreciate it.”
“I’m glad,” he said quietly, watching him scramble out and lope toward the front door. Jess watched fora moment, hoping for a glimpse of Sara, but his luck ran out. He put the truck into gear and drove slowly down the road. One thing he had learned was that Tim was growing up faster than he or Sara realized. He only hoped that Tim would take the news of his parentage as well as he took the news of Jess’s past. Too bad he couldn’t feel as positive about it as he should.
SARA FELT STUNNED as she watched Tim help her with the dinner preparations, set the table and, after their meal, clear the table without any direction from her.
“Are you setting me up for something?” she asked as he dried the dishes while she washed. “Did you flunk a test? Do I have to show up for a parent-teacher conference tomo
rrow?”
“Set you up?” he laughed. “No, Mom, I just thought I’d surprise you by helping without you yelling at me to.”
“I do not yell at you.”
“Okay, but you do talk loud.” He finished drying the last pan, and he carefully folded the towel and draped it over the rack. He slowly turned and leaned back against the counter. “Mom, Pastor Jess told me about his being in jail.”
Her movements stilled. “He did?”
“He also told me that he had told you about it last Friday night. You see, I heard you come in the house crying, and I was afraid he had something to do with it,” he confessed.
“Tim, you didn’t start a fight with him, did you?”
She automatically feared the worst.
He rolled his eyes, signifying that mothers seemed to refuse to believe their children could do something right for once. “Are you kidding? After what he told me, no one in their right mind would want to push him into fighting back unless they wanted some broken bones. The guy knows what he’s talking about when it comes to bad tempers.”
Sara finished wiping off the stove and counters before answering. “Then you understand the need to keep your temper under control,” she said softly.
“Let me tell you, after he puts a guy through that workout you have no energy left to do anything,” he admitted. “He and Ray, the guy in charge of the gym, keep telling me I’ll get used to it, but I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Sara’s lips quivered. Her little boy was growing up. She knew she was imagining it, but she could swear his body looked a bit broader and he acted more like an adult than a boy bordering on manhood. She crossed the room and threw her arms around him.
“Mom, you’re not going to cry and get all female on me, are you?” He still wasn’t used to dealing with women’s changes of mood.
“No.” She sniffed, then immediately felt like crying when she realized she couldn’t put her arms all the way around him. “I guess I’m just discovering that before I know it you’ll be leaving home. And Jackson won’t have anyone to play poker with.”