I look at my brother and realise that he really has grown up, though, he should have, he’s nearly twenty-four. “It’s my fault,” I say, not needing to clarify what I’m talking about.
“That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” he says, looking me firmly in the eyes.
“I pursued the case. If I hadn’t my son would still be here,” I argue.
“No, you’re looking at it wrong. You’re blaming yourself for something that was out of your control. Christian Baxter is the one who order those men to beat you. He is 100% at fault. Not you. He stole your baby, you didn’t lose it.”
I get up out of bed and cross the room. “Thanks, kid. But you don’t understand,” I say as I wrap my arms around him.
“You’re being an idiot,” he tells me. I can practically hear him rolling his eyes as he hugs me back. “Goodnight,” he says before letting me go and backing out of the room.
“Night, moron,” I say to his retreating figure before making my way back to my bed.
With a sigh, I take a few pain pills and squish my head into my pillow. A lone tear falls from my eye as I realise just how big and empty being in a bed alone feels. I stretch my hand out over to the other side, the place where up until tonight would have been occupied by my husband.
I allow myself to drift into a dreamless sleep, wishing things could be different. Wishing I hadn’t made such piss poor decisions and wishing my son was still safely cradled in my arms beneath my skin.
Chapter 13
Tank
I step off the ice after the first game of the season. We absolutely annihilated the other team and to say, leading my team as Captain while gaining my first win was fucking epic, is a big fucking understatement. But no matter how good the feeling was it just didn’t feel right without Soph sitting up in the crowd, cheering me on. I looked up so many times during the game, out of habit, only to see the empty spot beside Dani.
With a sigh, I get on with the after-game duties. I go through a quick interview to please the media before making my way past the fans and signing a few jerseys that are thrust in my face. Once I make it down into the locker room with the boys, I can finally relax. Well, sort of. The guys are on one hell of a high. Backs are being slapped, crude jokes are thrown around the room, while asses are whipped with wet towels, you know, the usual locker room shit.
I strip off as the boys decide we all need to head out to party tonight. I reluctantly agree, only to set a good example for the boys but they all know I won’t be staying long. Not with Sophie at home needing me.
I rush through a shower and before I know it, Miller and I are making our way out of the locker room and meeting up with Dani.
Dani instantly jumps up into Miller’s arms and kisses him like they’ve been separated for the past year. The sight makes me groan but mostly it just reminds me that Sophie isn’t here. Usually, she’d be the one throwing herself at me though, she doesn’t have the same self-control as Dani. Sophie would have bulldozed her way through the crowd, past the security, and into the locker room, only to try and jump me in front of the boys.
Miller looks down at Sophie with adoration in his pussy-whipped eyes. “You up to party with the boys tonight?” he questions.
“No, actually,” she sighs. “I’m actually kind of tired. I thought I’d let the babysitter go home early.”
“Ok,” he murmurs. “I won’t stay out too late,” he adds but we all know it’s because Mia isn’t sleeping great at night which means the fucker is exhausted. He doesn’t want to party just as much as I don’t, only he doesn’t have a great excuse.
“Alright,” she says, giving him a quick kiss. “I’ll see you guys later.” She adds before turning away.
“Hey,” I call out to her. “Could you check in with Sophie?” I ask before she leaves.
“Sure,” she says with a sadness in her eyes “But you know, she’s kind of been avoiding me.”
“I know,” I sigh. “Don’t take it personally. She just finds it hard to see you with Mia. It reminds her of… you know.”
“Yeah,” she says with a sympathetic smile. “I’ll let you know how she’s doing.”
“Ok, thanks,” I say as I finally let her go.
The boys and I head out shortly after. We’ve only been gone for half-an-hour when I get a text from Dani.
Dani – Tried calling the home phone, here was no answer, so tried Gretchen. Soph sent her home early, she was apparently really tired. I’ll try her again in the morning.
Tank – K. Thanks.
I hang out with the guys for a little while longer but something just doesn’t sit right with me about Dani’s text. Sophie has never sent Gretchen home early. Even when she needs the sleep, she just goes to sleep and lets Gretchen work silently around her.
I decide it’s probably best to head home and make sure she is ok. I’m probably the last person she wants to see but she has been alone in the big house for who knows how long now and too many bad thoughts and possibilities circle my mind.
“Hey,” I announce to the guys. ‘I’m going head off and check on Sophie,” I say.
They all nod their heads and say their goodbyes before Miller stands up. “I might head off too,” he also announces to the boys.
They all give him comments about being soft and a pussy, just as I knew they would but he shakes it off and follows me out the door.
I drop him home before making my way through my front door. I’m freaking exhausted and I can’t wait to crash. The place is dead quiet so I try to keep it that way, I don’t want to wake up Sophie. I kick off my shoes at the front door and dump my hockey bag before heading into the kitchen for a drink.
I pull the fridge open and grab the milk. I’m in the middle of drinking from the bottle when I see a note on the table in the refrigerator’s light, though it’s the familiar rings that sit on top that makes my stomach drop.
I flick the light on and fly across the kitchen I pick her rings up between my fingers and hold them tightly as my eyes scan the note a million times.
‘I’m sorry, I love you.’
Over my dead body is she leaving.
I pocket her rings and grab my shit before rushing back out the door. I screech out of the driveway and groan at the gate as it slowly creeps across the driveway. For fuck's sake, we need a better gate.
I rush down the highway and before I know it, I’m pulling up at the airport and rushing inside. I don’t know how I know, but my gut is telling me she has gone home and if that’s where she feels she needs to be right now, then that’s where I’ll be too.
I rush through the airport and buy my ticket before waiting the agonising two hours before the next scheduled flight.
I try to get some rest but I just can’t turn off. My mind keeps spinning around Sophie. What would have driven her to the point of leaving in the middle of the night? She knows she could always talk to me, whenever or wherever. I will always have time for her. I know she blames herself for losing our son and I have told her a million times that I don’t but she never listens. Maybe all she needs is to just hear me for once. Let go of the grief and hear me.
The thought of losing Sophie kills me but right now, losing her isn’t an option. She hasn’t truly left me, she is just confused about what she needs right now. I know for damn sure I need her. She is the love of my life and I’ll be damned if I let her get away. Not now, not ever.
There’s about thirty minutes left until the flight and my ass is starting to cramp on these damn chairs. It’s well past the middle of the night but I don’t care. I’m going to get to her tonight, even if it kills me.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out to see her father’s name on the caller ID.
“Robert,” I say as I answer the phone.
“Hi son, just thought you should know she’s here. She’s safe,” he tells me.
“I know,” I say. “I’m on my way.”
“Good. She’s a stubborn fool like her old man
but she needs you,” he says. “I’ll leave the key under the mat.”
“Thank you,” I say and with that, he cuts the line.
I let out a breath of relief, I knew she was there but to hear it confirmed and to hear that she is safe is just what I needed. Especially after what she has been through. I have to admit, the thought of her being taken by Christian Baxter is always popping into my head and it drives me insane knowing it’s a very real possibility. Just that knowledge alone makes me want to be by her side 24/7.
A few hours later, the plane touches down and I rush out of the airport, eager to get to Sophie.
I hail down a cab and tell him to step on it. Within twenty minutes, the cab pulls up at Sophie’s parents’ house and I soon find myself digging under the mat, using the torch on my phone to find the damn key.
I get inside and the need to find her and get straight into it takes over me but then, it’s nearly the morning and I’m fucking exhausted. I make my way up to Sophie’s room and find her curled in a ball on the bed. I’m furious at her for wanting to take the easy way out but at the same time, I’m so deeply in love with her that I can simply let it go, well, at least for tonight.
As I make my way to the bed, I strip off my jeans and shirt, letting them clatter to the floor before climbing in beside her. I instantly reach out for her, desperate to have her in my arms. I hold her against me, the way we used to before the whole Baxter thing.
As soon as I have her back up against my chest she lets out a deep, satisfied sigh and just like that she has answered one of my million questions. She didn’t want to leave. She still loves me and she needs me just as much as I need her.
With my woman safely in my arms, I instantly fall into a deep sleep.
----------
I wake to the feel of my wife nails running through my hair, down the side of my face and into the coarse hairs of my stubbled jaw. My eyes open slowly as I take her in. She lays right by my side with her eyes trained on my jawline, looking as beautiful as the day I met her.
With my arms still wrapped around her, I pull her in tighter, being careful not to jostle her injuries. Her eyes snap up to mine at the movement but I’m thankful she doesn’t try to escape. “You’re here?” she questions with pain in her eyes.
“There’s no place else I’d rather be,” I murmur as I press a gentle kiss to her temple
Her eyes close as she takes satisfaction in my kiss. She keeps them closed as she nuzzles her head in under my chin and up against my chest. “I love you,” she tells me.
Hearing her say it for the first time in so long brings a piece of me home. “I know, babe,” I say. “I love you, too.”
I drift back off to sleep and wake later to Sophie climbing out of bed. “Where are you going?” I question as I groggily sit up in bed.
“Nowhere, just getting up. It’s past eleven,” she tells me.
Shit. I guess sleeping the morning away is what happens when you don’t get to bed until five a.m. after a massive night of playing pro hockey but seeing as though we’re at Sophie’s parents place, I should probably get up.
I get up out of bed and walk around to Sophie’s side before sitting on the edge. “Babe,” I say as she turns and gives me a nervous look. “Come here.”
She slowly walks over to me and I take hold of her hips between my legs. “What’s going on?”
Her eyes fall from mine as a sigh escapes her lips. “You deserve better,” she says with tears. “It’s my fault. My actions are what led to our son’s death. I don’t know how you can even stand to be near me. Every time you look at me, I see it in your eyes.”
Anger instantly starts to take over me. “You’re running away and you’re going to use a shit excuse like that.”
“It’s not an excuse,” she argues.
I let out a sigh, trying not to lose my shit at her. I stand before her and back her into the wall, making sure she only has me to focus on. “It is. What happened to you is not your fault. Yes, you fucked up. You shouldn’t have taken the case, especially when I asked you not to. But that does not mean it’s your fault. Not for one second have I ever blamed you and I wish for once you would just hear me,” I tell her. “I fucking love you and I refuse to let you leave over this. I need you. Without our son, you are all I have.”
The tears in her eyes fall over the edge and leave streaks down her beautiful face as she looks up at me with a world of pain behind her eyes.
I swipe my thumb across her cheek, wiping away the tears as I press myself closer to her. “Christian Baxter is the man who did this to you, to us. He is the one who holds the blame and he is the one who is going to pay for his crimes.”
Those eyes focus in on mine. “You really feel that way?” she asks with hope. “You don’t blame me?”
“Never for one second have I blamed you,” I say with a sigh. “I have never lied to you and I’d be fucked if I was to start now. You are my world. You always have been and I intend for it to stay that way.”
She pulls me in and instantly her lips are on mine. I kiss her deeply, having missed this kind of connection with her. “I’m sorry,” she murmurs through our kiss.
I pull back slightly so I can look her in the eye. “Me too, Soph. I should have been there more. You’re hurting so much and I feel like I’m failing you.”
She pulls me in once again and I wrap my arms around her as she nuzzles her face into my chest. “This is helping,” she murmurs. “I feel like I’m coming home.”
My eyes close as I hear those words. Nothing in this world has ever felt better. She relaxes into me and I pull us back to the bed. I sit down on the edge once again and she curls up in my lap.
“I can’t stop thinking about him,” she says as she opens up about our son for the first time. “It hurts so much. I just… I don’t know what to do.”
“Tell me about it. The things you think about,” I encourage.
“I… I don’t think I can,” she cries.
“Please, baby. I’m missing him too.”
She nods her head. “I wanted to call him Tyler,” she says with a small, embarrassed smile. “After you.”
“Yeah?” I question.
“Yeah,” she says. “I thought he’d be a lot like you and I figured, it’s not like you actually use the name, so why couldn’t he?”
“I like it,” I grin. “But you’re dead wrong. He was going to be like you. Blonde hair, blue eyes and the most stubborn personality you could ever imagine. Trust me, we were going to struggle to keep up with him.”
“No way,” she says with a fond smile which melts my heart. “He was going to be an easy baby. He’d breastfeed perfectly and sleep all night. I bet he would have had your dimples as well.”
“I don’t have dimples,” I argue.
“Yeah, you do,” she smiles. “He would have been perfect and I would have loved being his mummy. Singing him songs and watching as he fell asleep in my arms. I mean, I didn’t even get a chance to hear his little voice or feel his skin,” she cries. “I just wish I had a chance to hold him. Just once.”
“I know, Sophie,” I whisper into her hairline. “Me too.”
We sit in silence for a short while before I pluck up the courage. I know she isn’t going to want to hear this but it needs to be said and I don’t know if it is going to hurt her more or help her to move forward but I need to try. “Babe?” I question.
“Yeah?” she sighs as she grabs the blanket from the bed and uses it to dry her eyes.
“For the rest of our lives, every time we think back to him, it’s going to suck and it’s going to be hard, that’s just what grief is. But I’d like to believe that he is looking down on us and I want him to see us shine. I want him to be proud of the lives we are living. I want him to be boasting to all his little friends up there that his Mummy and Daddy are absolutely rocking it down here but lastly, I want him to know that everything we do is for him,” I tell her. “I don’t want him looking down on us to see us falling apart. W
e need to be strong for him.”
I hear her sniffle and I know she is really thinking it over. “You’re right,” she says. “From now on, everything is for him,” she says, sitting up a little taller. “I want him to be proud of me.”
“He will be,” I tell her. “And so will I.”
Chapter 14
Sophie
I don’t know how the hell he did it but somehow Tank has managed to heal a bit of the pain that resides in my heart. He has helped me to see a future where my son doesn’t exist. It’s the hardest thing to actually accept but in order for me to move forward, I need to try.
I sit here curled in his arms, thankful that he had enough fight in him for the both of us. That he had what it took to come after me and prove to me that I was wrong. That I belong with him and that there is a bright and long future for us.
I hate myself for putting him through the pain of the last twenty-four hours but in the end, I’m sort of glad it happened as, without his push, I’d still be sitting in my bed, day in and day out, sobbing for my son and wishing there was a way out.
“Thank you,” I murmur as I wipe my eyes on the blanket once again.
“I would have done it a million times over, Sophie. You’re my wife and I intend for you to stay that way, even if it means you need a good kick up the ass every now and then,” he tells me.
I grin at him as he lifts us up off the bed. He carries me around to the other side of the bed before placing me down on the edge. He pulls on his jeans and quickly shoves his hand into his pocket.
He pulls out my rings and falls to one knee before me. “What do you say to a new start?” he asks as he takes my hand in his and gently slides my rings back into place. “I fucking love you so much,” he murmurs.
I lean forward and catch his lips in mine. “A new start,” I say, thinking it over but decide to word it better. “A new start where an angel is looking down on us.”
He smiles. “It’s perfect,” he says as I scoot myself off the bed and drop down onto his lap so I straddle him.
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