“Yeah, okay, be right out.”
His cold presence left the room. I glanced away from the bed to look at the clock, eight a.m. Horrified at what I just experienced, I fell back on the bed and drew the covers over my head. What the hell was that?
It wasn’t the hot and heavy sex. I’d expected to have dreams like that while sleeping in his bed. It even smelled like him, which happened to smell like spring mountain soap and hunky man.
What bothered me most was what I’d said.
“Make me forget why it’s wrong to love you.”
Was that what was happening here? I was not only lusting after him, but beginning to have feelings for him? I stared at the darkness within the curtain of the duvet and pondered that.
I was attracted to him like I’d never been to anyone else, felt little flutters whenever around him, and he could make me blush with a few short words. Then one realization formed in my mind which was a hard cold truth. One I couldn’t deny.
I didn’t want him to leave.
Oh damn, I was falling for him.
***
Chapter Eleven
From the moment I stepped out of Kipp’s bedroom, I kept my eyes on the ground beneath my feet. Even as I walked toward the entrance of the brown-brick police station, I never looked up. The dream and feelings were all too real. If I made eye contact with Kipp, I doubted I could hide my lingering desire and interest.
“You sure everything is all right?” Kipp asked for the hundredth time as I followed Zach in through the main door.
“Mmm hmm,” I responded, inspecting the dirt on the tiled floor. How had I allowed this to happen? I never got personal, let alone allowed myself to open my heart to a ghost. I had to fight against this. I couldn’t indulge in these feelings. I needed to force myself back into someone that resembled a sane person.
Once in the station, Zach muttered hellos to the officers around him. I kept my gaze focused on the back of Zach’s heels, which suddenly slowed. I stopped behind him, glanced up just enough to see him open the door to the interview room.
When I cleared the door, Max sat at the table which was stacked high with at least ten banker’s boxes. One was open and Max had a pile of files out filled with reports.
He looked up from the notes to me. “I talked to Mr. Cobb this morning. He has granted your request for an extended leave of absence.”
“Was he angry?” I asked with trepidation.
“He wasn’t thrilled.” Max grinned. “But what choice did he have?”
“Wonderful.” I sighed. “He’ll be a real joy to be around when I get back.” He’d actually have to do some of the leg work himself. He was probably already cursing me. Part of me enjoyed the thought of him staring at a computer screen lost as to how to print out documents. The other part of me, felt horrible. I was diligent and a hard worker. Leaving him with no help was not a position I would have put him in. What could I do about it now though? What’s done was done. I’d deal with the repercussions later.
“Just shake your spectacular ass at him,” Kipp said next to me, “and I doubt he’ll stay angry for long.”
“Thank you for calling him,” I said to Max, flat out ignoring Kipp’s comment. He chuckled in response. I gave no thought to that either.
Max gave a firm nod, then reached out with his hand holding a card out. “You are a grievance specialist from here on out.”
I laughed. “I’m a what?”
“As far as the department knows, I have brought you on to help Kipp’s fellow officers deal with their loss,” Max answered.
“But I have no experience with that,” I retorted.
Max leaned in, his gaze knowing. “Don’t you?”
Pain sent a wave of uncomfortable warmth across my body. “I...I...”
“What’s wrong?” Concern filled Kipp’s tone.
Realizing I was losing it in front of others, I sucked in a deep breath to hold myself together. I learned to hide my feelings involving my family’s death years ago, but whenever it came up and I didn’t expect it, the pain wasn’t so easily hidden.
“Sorry.” I gave my head a shake, shedding the sadness. “Sorry, it just surprised me.”
“What surprised you?” Kipp asked, a little stronger now.
I glanced at him with a cold firmness. “My family died.”
“In the car accident?” A knowing empathic look crossed his features. Of course, he’d catch on quick, he was a cop after all.
I nodded, forcing the tremble in my chin to stop. I hadn’t cried over their deaths in years, let alone thought of them. Avoiding the topic like the plague was my motto. It was in my past, I wanted it to stay there. It wasn’t really the topic which made these emotions rise to the surface, it was Kipp’s gaze on mine, the way it said, “It’s all right for you to cry.”
The support and comfort sounded nice and all, but leaning on him was in every way a bad idea. I was in enough trouble already. Looking to him to heal my pain was not an option I wanted explore.
“I’m sorry I had to go about it that way, but it was the only explanation I could come up with for having you join our ranks. Since you have no education which relates to us, it’s easy for me to pass off that you have joined a support group which gives aid to people who have lost loved ones,” Max said.
I hastily hid every emotion. “No, its fine, it makes sense. Really, it just surprised me.”
“You can’t run and hide forever you know.” Kipp’s gaze was intent as before, but now, it held a rigid determination.
My anger flared up. Who was he to say how I dealt with my pain? Ignoring it was how I got through my days. I’d never once dealt with it, never felt the stages of grief. Instead, I just pushed on. That was how I managed not to be medicated and it was working just fine for me.
Before I could release my wrath, his voice came soft. “I understand more than you think.”
It wasn’t at all what I expected him to say next. Calm down. Don’t blow your lid. That is what I thought he’d say. Not him sharing a similar story. The anger burning my blood disappeared. “How?”
His eyes filled with sadness as they glazed over, lost in a memory. “My mother died from breast cancer and my father followed a year later from a heart attack.”
I had to wonder what would be worse. In my case, it happened all at once. Here one day, gone the next. To have to suffer the pain of losing a loved one on two separate occasions, I wasn’t sure I could have handled it. “When?”
My question pulled him away from his thoughts. He blinked, meeting my gaze steady and strong. “Ten years ago. I’ve had years to deal with their loss and it’s taken that long to accept their deaths. Trust me when I tell you holding onto the pain is not going to help you. You need to allow yourself to be sad.”
Caley had said this to me a thousand times. That it was all right for me to be upset for what happened to them and I didn’t need to be strong all the time. But I never allowed myself the right, never wanted to live in the state of mourning. Just because Kipp had been through it too, didn’t mean I was going to change my mind. He needed to prove to me it was worth it, because in my eyes, ignoring it was just easier. “Why?”
Zach chuckled. “How. When. Why. What’s next, who?”
Kipp ignored the comment, as did I. “It will begin to eat you alive.” He reached up to trail a finger along my cheek. The icy touch sent a shiver down my spine.
The cold wasn’t unwelcoming and gave me a moment of ease. For once, someone else understood and had been there. As much as I tried not to connect with Kipp, it was all I could do. It didn’t mean I’d deal with it like he suggested, he hadn’t proved his point. He only said he’d accepted it and that was one thing I could never do. My family was gone. There was nothing I could do to change it. If I ever let myself be consumed with that sadness I wasn’t sure I’d make it back out. To think of it, to feel it, would only leave me in a state which would need medication.
I lifted my chin in defiance, staring at
him with a pure intent to prove my point that how I was dealing with it was the only choice. “Yes, I can.” Then, I looked at Zach. “Can we move along? I really don’t want to spend my entire day surrounded by stinkin’ cops.”
The men laughed around me.
Kipp didn’t. His expression said nothing, showed nothing; however, it was visible as thoughts stirred in his mind. Thoughts I tried to care nothing about, but it was a feeble battle. I may wish my family’s death didn’t cause a permanent ache in my heart and that I didn’t have feelings for the ghost in front of me. But both were undeniably true. I may want to ignore it, but that didn’t mean it was going to go way.
And it didn’t mean I wouldn’t do what I always did―sure as hell, try to stuff it away and forget about it. I attempted to force the wall of ignorance up. I tore my gaze from his and began to walk toward the table.
As I sat down, the door opened and Eddie entered, coffee in hand. “Mornin’ all,” he said, cheerful. “I’ve got the goods.”
“A sight for sore eyes,” Max drawled.
Eddie placed the coffees on the table. After taking one, he sat beside me. “Pleasure to see you again, ma’am.”
I wanted to respond to his pleasantry, but was afraid if I opened my mouth, I’d laugh. Doing the only thing I could, I nodded.
“So, Kipp is here with you?” Max said after taking a sip from the paper cup.
“Oh yeah,” I burst out laughing. “He’s here.” I glanced at Eddie. “And you’re sitting on his lap.”
Eddie shot straight up, a move which made his coffee fly through the air. “I thought it felt cold.” He shuddered. “That was him?”
“You should have just seen your face.” I laughed harder. I took a deep breath, relaxed the tension in my stomach and happened to look at Kipp. In an instant, the happy feeling vanished. He was looking down at his hands and sadness oozed off every part of him. I gulped as my heart wrenched.
After a silent moment that seemed to last forever, I whispered, “Are you okay, Kipp?”
“Okay with what?” Max asked.
Kipp met my gaze and my heart twisted as if stabbed with a dagger. “I’m really a ghost.” His eyes filled with despair.
“You’re just realizing this now?”
“What’s going on?” Max demanded.
“Shhh.” I waved my hand for him to shut it. Moments like this one deserved to be uninterrupted. It hadn’t hit him yet. The acceptance, the knowledge he died. He hadn’t dealt with and I could see the reality of this was beginning to set in.
From my time spent with him, I assumed he had already dealt with this since he seemed at ease with it all. Apparently, I’d been wrong and obviously wasn’t the only one who had trouble accepting things.
“Of course I knew, but being preoccupied with you and the case I think I forgot.”
Preoccupied with me? The words affected and confused me, but my thoughts weren’t important now.
“That’s understandable.” I hoped my gentle tone would soothe him. Normally, I was always cautious and understanding when spirits faced their death, but with Kipp it was more than that. To see him in this state, the anguish washing over him, made my heart sink into a bottomless pit of despair.
“It’s all over.” Kipp’s eyes pleaded. “This is it for me?”
Now, those tears in my eyes had nothing to do with amusement and everything to do with misery. My strength to keep myself distant faltered. “I’m sorry, Kipp.”
He sighed, bowed his head. “What’s there to be sorry about? It’s done. It’s just...”
When he said nothing more, I encouraged him, “Just what?”
He raised his head, his gaze locked with mine. Longing was heavy in his eyes. “I always thought there would be more―wife, kids, a family.” He shrugged. “Just more.”
What could I say? Nothing at all. He would never have those things. There were no words I could mutter which would change that fact. But the part that dug at me the most was when he said those words, it pained me too, affected me as if those were my stolen dreams as well.
Saying nothing further, I remained lost in his gaze. Words weren’t important. Just being here with him was all that mattered. He wasn’t asking for me to console him, not demanding I make things better, only sharing what he felt.
Interrupting the moment, Max cleared his throat. “You okay there, Kipp?”
Kipp blinked, as if breaking whatever hold his mind had on him. “Tell him I was talking about the case.”
If it was possible for my heart to break more, it just did. In all this, his only thoughts were of others. How could a man like him be stripped of his life? I wanted to reach out, take him in my arms and never let go. As the need to touch him consumed me, the truth bared its ugly head with an icy reminder, it would never be.
No matter that I had these feelings for him or this knowledge that there was something special about this man. It was a pointless want. I forced my feelings away, reminding myself it would only hurt worse later if I continued to open myself up to him.
After a long deep breath, I answered Max, “He was telling me about Hannah. I’m sorry, I get emotional.”
Max didn’t look convinced but looked away from me to the file on the table. “All right let’s get started. Did Kipp get a look at him?” Max asked.
Zach shook his head. “Negative.” He leaned back in his chair, laced his fingers behind his head and tilted the chair back on two legs. “But another source gave us a description.”
Max brows furrowed.
Zach shifted his weight in the chair and sent the legs down to bang against the floor. “They found Hannah” He nodded toward me.
“You have not!” Max’s tone was full of disbelief.
I nodded, not as enthralled as he was. “We did.”
“Well,” Max eyed me curiously, “that could come in handy.”
“Don’t get your hopes up,” I retorted. “She didn’t know anything else except that he was married.”
Max let out a deep breath of annoyance. “Of course she didn’t.”
“Where do you want to go from here then?” Zach asked.
Max went quiet for a moment then finally said, “Best we put our heads together. See which ones match the description given by...” he gave his head a shake in bewilderment, “Hannah. Once we’ve narrowed down the list, we’ll split the pile and investigate each one individually, track their movements, see what their lives show us. Learn every detail about them. Are they married? Happily? Anything that relates to what Hannah told you.”
“Ten-four,” Zach responded.
Max leaned forward to Zach, intense. “I’ll leave it you to grab the files since there is no reason for me to enter the file room. But make yourself scarce, we don’t want anyone to hear of this before we know who is involved.”
Zach nodded and glanced at me. “You up for a little adventure?”
Oh hell no!
***
Chapter Twelve
Quarter of an hour later, Zach held a piece of paper with ten names on it―all people within the department who matched Hannah’s description. At the end of the main hall, a door sat with Records written on it in gold letters.
Zach placed the bag he was carrying over his head to drape across his body, took a quick look around before he swiped a card on the keypad which sat left to the door on the wall. After the red light turned green, it opened. “This will give us an extra few minutes in case anyone comes,” he said, locking the door. “We need to be quick here.”
“We don’t need to do anything.” I glanced around the room filled with file cabinets. “You need to stop talking and get on with it.”
“That’s my girl,” Kipp said with a laugh.
My girl? The sound of his claim sent little trickles of happiness right down to my very soul. The little affirmation from him was enough to fill me with such joy, it was an effort to hide my reaction.
“Sorry, it’s we here,” Zach said, nudging my arm to grab my focus
. “You need to help.”
“All right,” I said in hesitation and made my way further into the room. “What am I looking for?”
“Names,” both men responded.
I snorted, annoyed. “Yes, smartasses, I know that...what names?”
“Start with Shawn Edward, Todd Evans, Joey Fisher.” Zach moved toward the first row of cabinets on the left. “I’ll start from last names that begin with A to D.”
With the names echoing in my mind, I approached the third row of cabinets, which had the letter E written on a sign above it. Once I reached the first cabinet, I glanced down the rows until I found the letters ‘Ed’. I grabbed the handle on the cabinet and pulled. It didn’t open.
“How do I do this?” I asked.
“Open up and slide on in.”
The lustful sound to Kipp’s tone, the raw desire in his eyes forced me to respond. My heart raced, my thighs clenched, butterflies played havoc with my stomach. My mind was saying no―my body was saying hell yes.
He stood, simmering. His gaze intent and focused. He was challenging me to refuse―deny that this thing between us didn’t exist. As I lost myself in his mesmerizing eyes, it wasn’t lust I felt, not even remotely close. This was something far deeper. Tonight, his comment matched my reaction to him and put me in a defensive mood.
I needed to stop this and stop it now. Having my heart broken when he vanished did not interest me in the least. “I’d appreciate if you would stop talking to me like that. It makes me uncomfortable.”
“Uncomfortable is good.” Kipp grinned.
“No,” I glared, putting a little oomph into my words, “it’s creepy.”
His expression said he wasn’t through with me, but he did let it go. “You need to open the file cabinet. The lock is just on the side. Press it in and open at the same time.”
Doing as he said, I was pleased when the cabinet opened. Not pleased when it seemed to go on forever, the files were thin and there were so many of them. “Where the hell do I start?” “Right at the top and work your way around...slowly.”
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