by Maisey Yates
“I don’t know,” she said. “And I... I’m not fifteen. That’s the problem. I’ve spent my whole life loving him and...knowing that I couldn’t have him.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell him?”
“Because I didn’t want him to not love me. I didn’t want to give all that and then have it be...”
“You didn’t want the door closed forever. I get it.” Dallas swallowed hard. “I’ve always known that Bennett Dodge was my dad. In Gold Valley, Oregon. My mom told me that when I was...maybe seven or eight. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want him to send me away. My mom let the state take me from her. Over and over again. Why would he want me? I could have been with him all this time. But not until it was the end of the line did I give them his name. Because I couldn’t face being rejected by him too. But he didn’t reject me. He took me in. He treated me like a son without question from the beginning. I just had to ask. I had to admit that I needed it. Wanted it.”
Her heart went out to the child he’d been, so like herself. Still... “I don’t know if I can,” she said. “Because this hurts. Do you know I had to watch him almost get engaged to another woman? That hurt. But I couldn’t survive it if he decided that he wanted me, if he married me...and then he realized what my parents knew all this time. That I’m not worth it.”
“You can’t get a guarantee. That much I know. Beyond that...” He swallowed hard, his brown gaze meeting hers. “Kaylee, if I was going to have a mom, I would want her to be you. And so maybe coming here is selfish on my part. Because this life here that I have is better because of you. So I think it seems pretty insane for you to stand there and tell me how you’re not good enough, or there is something wrong with you when you’ve been a big part of what was right for me.”
That killed her. Just destroyed her. She felt diminished, every wall inside of her crushed. And she wanted... She wanted to reach out and hug him. She wanted to run to Bennett. She wanted... She wanted to be the person that Dallas was describing, and not the person that she felt like.
“How did you do it?” she asked. “How did you...decide to take the chance?”
“Well, my options were a group home and eventually jail, probably, or Gold Valley and Bennett Dodge. So I guess it’s when you realize the alternative is no kind of life.”
She nodded, but didn’t say anything.
“A lot of people love you, Kaylee,” Dallas said. “Eventually, you’re going to have to let them.”
Dallas turned and started walking back out the door.
“Was it that easy?” she asked.
“For me? No. I’m still working it out. But...like I said, it’s better than what else is out there for me. It’s better than anything else. Anyway, I’ll see you around. I hope.”
He turned to go and she stopped him. “Hey, wait a second, juvie. I’m not letting you go out and get arrested, okay? I’ll drive you back in your dad’s truck.”
She held her hand out, waiting for the keys.
“How will you get home?”
“I’m old, like you said. Don’t worry about me, I’ll figure it out.”
They kept mostly silent for the five-minute drive up the road to Bennett’s place, and at his guidance she pulled the truck into the barn, where Bennett wouldn’t hear the engine or see the headlights.
“Stay out of trouble,” she said when they got out of the truck.
“Why don’t you come to the house?” he asked.
His tone was hopeful, and it hurt.
“Not tonight, Dallas. I’m sorry. I have to...figure this out.”
He nodded, seeming to accept that. “Good night, Kaylee,” he said, turning and walking across the gravel drive toward the porchlight that shone in the distance. Kaylee stood there considering her next move.
She could call Jamie to come pick her up, but she didn’t actually want company.
She looked up at the clear sky. At all the stars overhead, at the black ridge of mountain and trees that rose up in the distance. She remembered running through a field on a night like this. With Bennett.
She headed out toward the highway and crossed over the fence line into a field that ran along the side of the road that wasn’t on the shoulder. She picked up her pace, going faster and faster, until she was running.
Like they had back then.
She wanted to go back in time. When it was simple.
When it was her and Bennett against the world, and not her against Bennett. Her against herself.
She ran until her lungs burned. Until she thought her heart might burst.
She stopped in the middle of the field, tears streaming down her face. She bent over, bracing herself on her thighs.
What was she doing?
What was she running from?
She had wanted Bennett all of her life, and then he had offered himself, and she was too afraid to take it. Why? Because she doubted him?
No. She didn’t doubt Bennett. He was the best. Good right down to his bones.
She doubted herself.
More than that, she was afraid. Afraid of what it would mean if she changed her life like this.
Because the truth of it was her feelings for Bennett had always been manageable. She had been able to sit back and be a martyr to them. Allow them to hurt her, but just enough.
She had held herself back from him, so that if he rejected her he wasn’t rejecting all of her.
She had accused Bennett of having plans, of being in control. But she was even worse. What she had felt for Bennett... Had it even been love? What she had felt had been all selfish and self-protecting.
A chance for her to marinate in all of her glorious pain and the injustice of the fact that she wanted a man she could never have. Because she didn’t ask for what she wanted. Because she didn’t give him honesty.
And yes. She had conveniently filled a lot of spots in his life, but she’d done it willingly. She’d never asked for anything different. Had never pushed for more. She’d just pretended. That everything was fine. That she was happy.
He had given her honesty. He had stood there and professed his love for her, had stood there and faced down rejection. He had been naked for her in a way that went beyond clothing.
But she hadn’t been. Not really. She was protecting herself, always protecting herself. Because she was every inch the coward he said. And she covered it up in all this self-pity. She had been wounded, convinced she wasn’t good enough, that he didn’t really want her.
But what if he did? What if he really wanted her with everything that he was? What if they could have everything if she would just stop hiding?
She was going to have to come up with a plan to do just that.
She stood up straight and looked back up at the stars. She couldn’t go back in time. She had no choice but to go forward.
And she was going to have to be brave. No more hiding. No more protecting herself.
Because if she really loved Bennett, then she was going to have to show him. If she really loved Bennett, she was going to have to risk something.
Anything else wasn’t love at all.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
WHAT KAYLEE DIDN’T expect was for Jamie Dodge to show up at her front door the next morning, her dark hair tied back in a ponytail, her expression grim and grouchy. “I’m kidnapping you,” she said.
“You’re...kidnapping me?”
“Yes,” Jamie said, shifting her weight from one cowboy boot-clad foot to the next. “You have ten minutes to pack a weekend bag and get in.”
“I have...the clinic...”
“It’s closed today,” Jamie said, sounding maddeningly like her brother when she made definitive statements like that. “All emergencies will be allocated to Copper Ridge’s clinic by Laura. It’s all been arranged.”
“Is Bennett behind this?�
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Hope flooded through her, but she didn’t want to hope too much. Or maybe she needed to. Maybe she needed to trust in the man that Bennett was, in the truth of his feelings, and let herself hope fully. Because she didn’t allow herself that. Ever. And if she was going to follow through with what she intended to do, she had to.
She had a speech prepared. And she was going to give it. She was going to tell him everything. About how she felt. For how long she’d felt it.
Even if she had to do it in front of his whole family.
“I’m not at liberty to say,” Jamie returned crisply.
“Just let me... Let me get dressed.”
She went back inside, packed a bag with essentials, and slowly selected an outfit, put on a little bit of makeup because unless Jamie was planning on dumping her off the side of a cliff she was going to see Bennett at some point today, wherever this was leading.
Though, given that Jamie Dodge was protective of her family and certainly not squeamish, Kaylee had to accept the fact that the cliff dumping might be a viable possibility.
On unsteady legs she met Jamie outside and got in her red pickup truck.
She stole a glance at the other woman who was determinedly looking at the road and not at Kaylee.
“So,” Kaylee said. “How is...everyone? I mean, with the changes. Quinn being in town. Dallas. Luke and Olivia having a baby.” Put in a list like that, the Dodges were having quite the time.
“Fine,” Jamie said, keeping her answer short and unfriendly.
“And Bennett and Dallas are...?”
“Fine with each other.” There was a break in the conversation. And then Jamie pressed on, her tone sharp. “You love him,” Jamie said. “I always suspected that you did. So...don’t hurt him. Not now. He’s been through enough, Kaylee. He’s lost enough. And he’s the best man, the best brother. He’s being the best...the best father to Dallas.” Jamie’s tone suddenly thickened. “He never acted like he hated me. Not once. And he could have blamed me for her death. He could have. But he was my big brother always. He protected me. I will damn well protect him now if I can.”
“I don’t want to hurt him,” Kaylee said, her head aching. “I’m just trying not to hurt myself.”
“Sure. I get that. I know how it feels to be hurt. To lose someone. But what’s the point in protecting yourself if that means losing all of the good things? Isn’t it better to risk the bad than to end up with nothing at all?”
Kaylee wasn’t sure what to say to that, but then Jamie spoke again. “If my dad... If Bennett, and Wyatt and Grant... If they’d chosen to let losing my mother keep them from loving me, I wouldn’t have anything. I’m grateful for their bravery. When people make the choice to be brave for love. It makes all the difference in the world.”
They drove on in silence until they reached the town of Copper Ridge. They drove through the main street, and Kaylee did her best to stop from asking questions as they went by all the little classic, shingle buildings. They bypassed the town and went out into the country, turning left off the main highway and down a long driveway. It was a ranch, that much she could tell. But they bypassed the fields and what looked like a large log cabin, going back into the trees until they stopped at a Victorian-style house, set in the middle of the rustic landscape. It was painted rich cranberry colors, the little yard full of azaleas.
“What’s this?”
She saw that Bennett’s truck was already there.
Her heart sped up, and she got out of the truck.
“Don’t forget your bags,” Jamie said, her expression only marginally friendlier than when she’d first appeared at Kaylee’s door.
She grabbed the bags, and then watched as Jamie drove away, leaving Kaylee stranded in front of the house. Well, she wasn’t really stranded, seeing as Bennett was there. But that depended on whether or not Bennett intended to take her off into the woods and leave her like she was a problem cat.
As if it had heard her thinking about cats, a little gray one hopped up onto the porch and rubbed itself up against one of the planter boxes in front of the door, looking at her plaintively. “I’m not sure what I’m doing here,” she said to the cat, getting down and scratching him behind the ears. “I’m hoping that you’re a good omen.”
She straightened and walked up the porch steps, stopping in front of the door. There was a little sign that said to enter, so she did.
It was a bed-and-breakfast, that much was clear when she walked in and saw the little podium with the guestbook sitting on top of it. There was no one attending the front room. But she looked down at the guestbook and saw a familiar name.
Bennett Dodge. Room two.
She swallowed hard and looked around, then headed toward the staircase, making her way up slowly, going down the hall and pausing in front of the door with the number two on the outside.
She felt frozen. Like she was standing in front of another door, in another house, in another time.
She was hoping now. Hoping she knew what she might find on the other side. Her defenses were destroyed. She couldn’t be cynical, she couldn’t hold back.
But she was afraid to open the door.
“Kaylee.” She heard Bennett’s voice through the door. “If that’s you standing out there hedging, just come in.”
As if it’s that simple.
Except...it was. She could stand out here and never know. Never have to face disappointment. And never, ever have a chance at what she really, truly wanted either.
With those options...well, there was no question.
She took a deep breath and pushed the door open. There he was, sprawled out on the bed, his black cowboy hat over his eyes. It was an incongruous image. The room itself was frilly. Lacy bedspread, a canopy over the top of it. Matching curtains. There was floral wallpaper that definitely went with the Victorian theme, but did not go with Bennett. And there he was, in a black T-shirt she loved so much, his regular jeans, his feet bare, his boots on the floor. And that hat over his face.
It was the bedroom. The one from her fantasies, only more. Richer. Better. The kind of princess room fit for a grown woman, and not a little girl.
The big, sexy cowboy on the bed added to that angle, for sure.
It hit her then, standing there, looking at her gorgeous masculine man in this frilly bedroom, that he wasn’t asking her to choose. He was offering her everything. The everything that she hadn’t thought she could possibly possess.
And here it was. Just all of it. Her business partner, her friend, her lover. On a lace bedspread.
Showing her that she could have it. That she deserved it. That he would be the things she needed. The things she desired.
“I...I don’t know what to say,” she said, closing the door behind her.
He moved his hat back and looked over at her. “Well, this is for you. And whether or not I stay is your call. But it’s paid for either way. So if you want a weekend with me...I’m here for that. If you want one without me, I’ll go.
“But this... Kaylee, I love you. But my loving you can’t be all a series of demands. It can’t be about where you fit in my life. It can’t be about just me being ready. I love you. And I’ll...do that however you want. If you want me to marry you, or if you don’t. I’ll still be there. If you want to just be friends... I can try that too. I feel like I’ve been awfully selfish with loving you, and that has to stop.” He took a breath. “I want to be what you need. The fulfillment of your dreams. That’s...that’s what I want. Really.”
“You aren’t selfish,” she said, making her way over to the bed and sitting on the edge of it. She placed her hand on his chest, could feel that, for all that his posture was relaxed, his heart was beating overly fast.
“Kaylee...” he began.
“No,” she said. “I’ve got some things to say to you. And I need to say them first. Bennet
t...I’ve been in love with you for most of my life. And the only way that I could deal with that was to comfortably assure myself that it could never turn into anything. I was just hiding. Loving you and never taking a chance. It was one thing to sit around and feel morose because you were with Olivia, because you were going to marry her... But I accepted it, Bennett. I accepted that you were going to marry another woman. I...I can’t even reach back that far to figure out what in hell was going through my mind. I feel like... Like that was another person. That person who wouldn’t fight for us. She couldn’t hope.”
She looked around the room, her heart swelling in her chest. “But...it’s me. It was me yesterday. When you said that you loved me and I turned you down, and I said all that stupid stuff. About not loving you, and about how you didn’t really love me. And it was all just...me protecting myself. It’s what I’ve always done. I told myself it was somehow benevolent of me not to ask you for anything more than friendship. But it wasn’t. I am a coward. Just like you said. Because I am so afraid of wanting and not having. I’m so afraid of confirming that we can’t be together. I would rather be the tragic figure in the story than someone who tried and didn’t succeed. I’m the one that made myself a sidekick. And it was...” She cleared her throat. “Do you know that your son snuck out last night?”
Bennett frowned. “What? No.”
“He did. He came to see me. To tell me that I am an idiot. And that I am less mature than him. He’s right about all of that. He came to talk to me because he said of everyone here I understood him. And I have to admit that means he kind of understands me. He said that...that he knew your name. But that he had been protecting himself by not going to you.”
Bennett nodded. “We actually had that talk last night.”
“I realized that’s been me. All this time. I never took the chance because I didn’t want to confirm that you couldn’t love me. And when you stood there telling me that you did... To think that I can have that is so scary. Because opening myself up to it completely means that I could be hurt. So badly. Worse than I ever have been. Because I love you so much that you have that power that no one else has.”