Untamed Cowboy
Page 40
Much like now.
And then after that, his father had brought home a new woman, and Jackson, at five, had hoped that she would be his mother. Had hoped that she would be the answer to that hole in his chest. That open, lonely space inside of him. But then she had left, too. And so had the next one. And the next one. By the time his father had married Ella, he had already known there was no point getting attached to the older man’s latest bride. No point at all. He’d had his heart ripped out too many times at that point. Had already learned that love meant giving someone a piece of your heart to take with them when they decided to head somewhere better to be.
Love meant losing that piece of yourself, without having that other person leave anything behind.
Except Savannah had left too damned much behind. The house might feel unchanged, but his insides had been turned upside down and rearranged. His life was... He didn’t know whose life this was. And he wanted so very desperately to go back to the one he and Savannah had carved out for themselves.
And what an ass he’d been. Asking how she would know it was real.
You’re the one that’s afraid she’s more in love with the idea of being a mother to Lily than she is in love with you.
He gritted his teeth and fought against the sharp, cutting truth of that thought.
He was afraid. That was the bottom line.
Afraid of losing her, and so he had. And no amount of denying his feelings for her made him feel insulated from that. Not even a little bit. But she was gone. And this time, there had been no quiet space beforehand. No lingering questions as to why. Possibly for the very first time, it had been him who had well and truly driven someone away. He had no idea how the hell he was supposed to live with himself now. Had even less of an idea as to how he was supposed to live without her. But it didn’t look like he had a choice.
* * *
“WHY DID YOU bring Lily out this morning?” Tanner asked, looking at the carrier that was strapped to Jackson’s chest.
There was fencing to be repaired and heavy equipment repairs to see to, and if Jackson had to sit at home and think about what an ass he was, he’d lose his mind. So he had gone out and gotten to work.
The appearance of Tanner on the fence line made him regret it.
“Savannah’s gone,” he said simply, keeping his eyes fixed on the layered mountains that surrounded the ranch. Deep green fading back to pale blue. A sight he normally took solace in.
Not now.
“You gave her the day off?”
“Nope,” Jackson responded. “She’s gone.” He figured if he said it enough, maybe he would be able to feel it. Accept it. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
But he doubted it.
“She left?”
“Yes,” Jackson said.
“What the hell did you do?”
“I fucked up,” Jackson said. “Majorly.”
“How?”
“She told me she loved me,” Jackson said. “I told her I didn’t love her.”
“I would leave your ass for that, too. You love her, though,” Tanner said, his words confident. “I don’t know what the hell changed between the time we talked after she got here and you telling me that you were going to keep it professional, and that dinner we had at my place last night, but it’s obvious to me that something did change. And that you love her.”
Anger spiked through his veins. “Are you and Chloe having slumber parties over there? Braiding each other’s hair and giggling and talking about my love life?”
Tanner shrugged. “I didn’t talk to Chloe at all.”
“Well, she was up in my business, too.”
“Maybe because you need an intervention.”
“Fuck off, Tanner. It’s not like your life is together. When was the last time you were with anyone?”
“It’s been a while,” he admitted. “But I don’t see how that’s relevant.”
“Isn’t it in the Bible or something? Don’t worry about the dust in my eye when you have horseshit in your own?”
Tanner snorted. “Pretty sure that’s not in the Bible.”
“Deal with your own stuff, that’s what I’m saying.”
“I’m fine being alone,” he said. “Which is the big difference between the two of us. You’re not fine, Jackson. You’re not.”
“Don’t you think if I went after her it would just be... Isn’t it a little bit convenient, Tanner? That suddenly I want to be with a woman who happens to be a great... She’d be a great mother for Lily.”
“No. I don’t think it’s convenient. But I think the fact that it matters shows that you care. Do you think that Dad ever cared if the women he brought home would be good mothers to us?”
“I don’t suppose. Seeing as only a couple of them were.”
“Don’t you think it would’ve been a better thing for him to consider us with a decision like that?”
“I guess.”
“That’s not convenience, Jackson. That’s being a good dad. Our lives would have been better if our father was that good. And you know it. You weren’t looking for a mail-order bride, just a mail-order nanny. You got more. Why let it get away? Why miss this chance?”
“Because we’ll just get in deeper,” he admitted, his voice rough. “Deeper and deeper until everything in my life, everything in Lily’s life is tangled up in her. I mean, even if it’s not...convenience for me, what if it is for her? What if it’s not...me she wants really?”
“I don’t know what to tell you about that. I don’t think you can have that guarantee. I just think you have to...take a chance.”
“What if she leaves me?”
“She did leave you, dumbass. The ship has sailed.”
“But at least now Lily won’t remember. Not like me. I remembered.”
“Are you afraid for Lily or for you?”
He let that blow hit. “I don’t... I don’t know. But does it matter if she’s safe?”
“And she won’t have a chance at having the life she could have, having as great of a mother as Savannah. Because you’re scared. But more than that, because of course you can’t marry someone just to give Lily a mother. More than that, you’re destroying your own happiness to keep yourself safe.”
“Great lecture from a guy in a codependent relationship with his stepsister.”
Tanner stiffened. “She’s going to get her own place soon.”
“You said that before. You could build another house on the property. But neither of you have made that move.”
“I don’t know what you’re implying. Chloe is family.”
“To me. To Calder. To you? I’m not sure about that.”
Tanner gritted his teeth. “This isn’t about me. You’re the one letting the love of your life walk away.”
The love of his life. Was that what this was? He’d heard that expression a thousand times and never once applied it to himself. He’d never loved a woman he was romantically involved with. Ever.
But he loved Savannah. He didn’t even have to question that now. It just was. The only question was what he was going to do about it. She was gone. He couldn’t very well negotiate with someone who wasn’t there.
But he could do something he’d never done before.
I could go after her.
“Can you watch Lily?” he asked, his voice suddenly tinged with desperation.
“Hell, yeah,” Tanner said.
Jackson was going to find her. Even if it meant breaking some minor laws to do it.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
AT LEAST SHE was close to the ocean now. The air smelled like salt here, and mixed easily with the salt of her tears. She had wandered down the main street of the little town of Copper Ridge for most of the day before going back to the little bed-and-breakfast she had booked herself on a neighboring ranch.
She and Jackson had never taken Lily to the beach before. Oh, she would love it. Love to squish the sand in her fist and kick her feet in it.
She could just see Jackson’s face. The way he lit up when he looked at his little girl...
It was the most beautiful thing. The only thing that was better was the feeling she got when he looked at her.
And right now, no matter how charming the B and B was, she felt like she was going to be crushed beneath the weight of her own pain.
The hostess at the B and B was sweet, and she had a little gray cat, and several beautiful children with a hot cowboy who also happened to be the sheriff in town.
She shouldn’t have come here. She felt surrounded by cowboys after she had just managed to escape one. Here, there were two, the sheriff and his older brother, their wives and children, and she felt surrounded by both Stetsons and happiness.
She wasn’t particularly in the mood for either.
Still, the quiche had been delicious this morning, and the room was adorably appointed. She couldn’t really complain about that.
Well, she could. But it would be churlish.
Everything was terrible. The benefits of flaky crust and a soft mattress could not be minimized in those circumstances.
She heard heavy footsteps in the hall and wondered if someone was staying in the room next to hers. But the footsteps paused, and there was a knock on the door.
“Hello?”
“Savannah,” came the familiar voice on the other side of the door. “Thank God.”
She jumped back, her hand on her chest. “How did you find me?”
“Think of me as a small-town James Bond. I have a select network of informants.”
She scrambled across the room and cracked the door open. “What does that mean?”
“Exactly what it sounds like it means. I follow the gossip chain and it led me here. Asked at Sugar Cup if anybody had seen you leave this morning. Called around to see where the vacancies were in these parts. It all led me to the B and B.”
“How did you know which room I was in?”
“You left it in the guest ledger,” he said. “That was easy enough.”
“They need better security for this place.”
“I suspect security’s not a real big issue around here.”
“Clearly it is!”
“Can I come in?”
“Why?”
“Because I need to start over. I need to try again. Last night... Early this morning... Whenever it was. I messed up. I don’t know how to do this. In my experience, loving someone just ends with loss. But in this case it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Somehow, I justified that to myself because it was protecting Lily. From getting more attached to you. From thinking of you as her mother and losing you.”
“Jackson...even if something ever happened between the two of us I would always love Lily.”
He nodded. “I know that,” he said, his voice choked. “That’s the real problem. I really can’t stand losing you. For me. For selfish reasons. And I was a dick last night asking you how you would know if it was real. It was me. I was the one that was worried it wasn’t real. I want you. I would never have met you if it weren’t for Lily, but I would want you even if I didn’t have her. It’s you, Savannah.”
She grabbed him by the front of the shirt and dragged him into the room, slamming the door behind him. And then she kissed him. Kissed him with every ounce of pain and pent-up anger that she had inside her. “Why did you do this to us?” Tears filled her eyes and she looked up at him, at that beautiful, familiar face. “Why did you put us through this?”
“When my father divorced my mother, well, after she left him, there was a big hole in my life. I was five when my mother left. I can remember her. Just enough. And not enough. And when he brought home my first stepmother, I wanted it to be real. I wanted it to be real every time. But it wasn’t. Over and over again. How many times can you open up your heart only to let it get kicked around?”
“Jackson,” she whispered, her heart tightening in pain for him, for the little boy he’d been, the man he was now. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what it’s like to be physically abandoned. But I know what it’s like to live with people who aren’t really there for you. I know what it’s like to love people who don’t love you back. And to decide you’re not going to let yourself get hurt again. But you’re worth it. I would love you and take the risk, every day, forever, rather than go back to a world where I don’t know what it’s like to have you in it.”
“Me, too,” he said gruffly. “Me, too.” He pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Kissed her until her walls broke down again, until the pain vanished. Until there was nothing between them. No defenses, no past hurts. They kissed until they might as well have been the only two people in the world.
They would go back home, to his place, and there would be three of them. A family. The very idea made her heart swell.
But right now, just for now, it was her and Jackson. Nothing and no one else.
When he laid her down on the bed, he looked into her eyes. “I love you,” he said.
“I love you, too,” she whispered back.
“Do you want to know what made me the maddest when I went to pick you up from the airport?”
“What?”
“You said you were plain. Plain and tall. There’s nothing plain about you, woman. You were sunshine in the dark. There’s no way to hide from the sun. And I think part of me knew it from the first moment I saw you.”
“I’m not the sun. I’m not anything special,” she said.
“You’re everything special. You told me you were plain. And, honey, the first moment I saw you...I couldn’t believe you thought that. You’re beautiful, do you know that?”
“You look at me and I...I feel like I might be.”
“You are,” he said. “Beautiful. Perfect. Everything I needed. Everything I need.”
There was such deep, real love in his eyes. She felt the furthest thing from plain. She felt singular. Special in a way she never had before. And she was damn glad she didn’t have any walls left, because she didn’t want anything between them at all.
“You’re everything I need, Jackson. Because without you...I would still be buried behind all those rock walls. But now look at us. There’s none of that left anymore. Just love.”
“Good thing,” he said.
Savannah had come to Gold Valley with nothing but one flowered suitcase, hoping to start a new life.
But she’d found so much more. She’d found everything.
She’d found love. A family.
And home, in Jackson’s arms.
EPILOGUE
JACKSON REID KNEW what he loved. He loved riding the perimeter of his family ranch with his daughter seated in the saddle in front of him. He loved working from sunup to sundown, with his brand-new baby boy strapped to his chest.
He loved coming home at the end of the day to a warm house that was full of crying babies, a barking puppy and a pissed-off cat that hated him. He had no idea how they’d ended up with a cat. Savannah had come home with her one day after a shopping trip in town, and Lily had already named her on the ride home. He’d been outvoted.
He loved finding sippy cups hidden in strange places, although he loved cleaning them less. He loved his life.
He loved his wife.
He used to think that hedonism was a reward for all the hard work he did. And now he looked around and couldn’t find a single thing he’d done to earn this.
There was no other way he wanted to live. In this house, with his family. Waking up every morning with the same woman. His life had changed.
Work hard. Play hard. Love harder.
And they loved him back. Beautifully. Wonderfully.
Forever.
* * * *
*
From reader-beloved and New York Times bestselling author Maisey Yates comes the sizzling new Gold Valley Western romance series:
Smooth-Talking Cowboy
Untamed Cowboy
Good Time Cowboy
A Tall, Dark Cowboy Christmas
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ISBN-13: 9781488030314
Untamed Cowboy
Copyright © 2018 by Maisey Yates
The publisher acknowledges the copyright holder of the additional work:
Mail Order Cowboy
Copyright © 2018 Maisey Yates
All rights reserved. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher, Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 22 Adelaide St. West, 40th Floor, Toronto, Ontario M5H 4E3, Canada.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental. This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.