by E. L. Todd
“But what if he is?” I asked.
“Heath is a very nice man,” she said. “I can’t see him brainwashing Roland into doing anything.”
I was still confused.
“And now isn’t the time to question Roland and his lifestyle. You need to be supportive first and show him that you love him no matter what. And then you can have an open conversation about it.”
“He already knows I love him no matter what. What have I been doing since the day he was born?”
“It didn’t seem like it, Sean.” Her voice came out cold.
“What?” I asked. “Are you mad at me?”
“I’m disappointed in you.” She turned on her side and looked the other way.
“What did I do?” I demanded.
“Your son told you something he was terrified to reveal. And you didn’t hug him or even look at him. He ran out of the house in tears and you didn’t chase after him.”
“He dropped a slab of bricks on my head,” I argued. “He can’t expect to tell me something like that and not expect me to be shocked.”
“Well, you need to tell him that.” She continued to face the other way.
“Baby, Roland knows I love him and I don’t care about him being gay. But, I’m just surprise…even he would understand that.”
“Talk to him.” That was all she said.
“I will,” I said. “But I have a lot of questions…”
“Your questions can wait. He needs love and support right now, not an interrogation.” Venom was in her voice. She’d never spoken to me like that before.
“Why are you so pissed off at me?” I barked.
She turned to face me. “Because you weren’t a father to him. You failed as a parent, Sean.”
That cut me right to the bone. “What…?”
“You’ve done a remarkable job with our two kids but…that behavior was unacceptable. You need to tell him you’re sorry and make it up to him. Hopefully, not too much damage has been done.”
“I just needed some time,” I said. “You’re acting like I kicked him out of the house.”
“You practically did.” She turned back around.
I stared at the ceiling and knew I wouldn’t be able to get any sleep tonight. All I could think about was my son. I thought he knew I loved him but perhaps he didn’t. I would talk to him the next day and straighten it out with him. Gay or straight, it didn’t matter to me. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t shocked.
***
His phone was off and he wasn’t at his apartment. I called Skye next, assuming he was with her.
Skye didn’t take my call.
I called her again.
She still didn’t answer.
I called her home phone, assuming she would have to answer that.
She did. “Hello?” She said in her typical office voice.
“Pumpkin, it’s me.”
Her voice came out cold. “What?”
Neither one of my kids had ever spoken to me like that before. “Excuse me?”
“What do you want?” she snapped.
“Why are you talking to me like that?”
“Because of the way you treated Roland,” she said. “He’s my brother and I won’t let anyone treat him like that—even if it’s my father.”
“I didn’t do anything,” I argued.
“Exactly.”
I felt like I was talking to Scarlet all over again. “I’m looking for him. Do you know where he is?”
“Why do you want to know?”
I felt like Skye was a different person. “I want to talk to him about everything.”
“Because you don’t accept him?” she asked.
“Of course I accept him.” I was sick of everyone being pissed off at me. “I was just in shock. I don’t care if your brother is gay or straight. I love him just as much as yesterday, and I will always love him. It doesn’t make a difference to me. But I’m shocked and confused. Cut me some slack—all of you.”
Skye dropped her hostility. “Oh…I wasn’t sure.”
“How could you ever think otherwise?” I asked. “I love you two more than anything on this planet.”
“It just…seemed like you were mad.”
“No, I definitely wasn’t mad. Now tell me where he is.”
“He’s staying with Conrad,” she said.
I’m surprised I didn’t think of that. “Thank you.”
“Make it right, Dad.”
“I will, pumpkin.”
She hung up.
I listened to the line go dead before I hung up.
***
I knocked on Conrad’s door and waited for Roland to answer it. His feet sounded on the floor then I heard him look through the peephole. I hoped he would answer the door. If he didn’t, I would be forced to break it down.
After a pause, Roland unlocked the door and opened it. He stared at me blankly, like he didn’t recognize me. A guarded look was in his eyes and it seemed like he didn’t trust me. It was like he thought I would throw a punch at any moment. Hesitation and fear was outlined in his frame.
What have I done?
“Can I come in?” I asked.
Roland backed away but didn’t say anything.
I stepped inside the apartment and listened to Roland close the door behind me. Then he faced me, still watching me with distrustful eyes. He refused to speak.
“Roland, you’re my son and I love you no matter what.” I wanted to start off with what he needed to hear. I didn’t want him to look at me like that anymore, like he feared me. There was no affection or admiration in his eyes. There was only heartbreak. And that killed me. “I don’t care who you love or what you do in the privacy of your home. Gay or straight, it doesn’t make a difference. I love you for who you are. I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear a few days ago…let me explain my reaction.”
He took a deep breath and some of his walls seemed to come down.
“I was just surprised. Never once did I even think you might be gay. There were always girls around and you were never…sensitive. This is just a shock to me. And honestly, I wonder if it’s how you really feel. But if it is, you have my support completely. You have your mother’s as well.”
His eyes started to water. “You don’t hate me…?”
“Of course not.” Now my eyes got teary.
“You wouldn’t even look at me…you were so disappointed.”
I cupped his face and forced him to look at me. “Surprised. I was surprised, Roland.”
“Really?”
“Son, I love you no matter what.” I looked into his eyes and saw his fear slip away. “When have I ever made you think otherwise?”
He shook his head. “Never.”
“You could do anything—anything at all—and I would still love you as much as I did the day you were born. You’re my treasure. You’re my everything.” I pulled him to my chest and hugged him. My chin rested on his shoulder and his rested on mine. He breathed hard and continued to cry but the tears were starting to dissipate. I held my son for a long time, feeling terrible for ever letting him think there was a possibility I would disown him. “I’m sorry I didn’t have a better reaction. The last thing I would ever do is hurt you.”
“I know, Dad.” He hugged me tightly, like he didn’t want to let me go. “I’ve always looked up to you…you’re my hero.”
My eyes burned with tears.
“I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me. I didn’t want you to look at me differently.”
“Never, Roland.”
“No one wants a gay son…I know that.”
“I want you exactly as you are, no matter what that may be.”
He released a deep sigh, like he felt better.
I pulled away and looked into his eyes, seeing them drip. “Everything is okay. We’ll be okay.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
I rubbed his shoulder while I watched him. “So, Heath has never been just a friend?” It was a li
ttle weird to talk about my son seeing a guy. But I knew it was only odd because it was new. It would pass.
“Well, he was in the beginning,” he said. “And then…things just happened. But…we’re done now.”
“What happened?” I asked.
He looked more depressed than he did a second ago. “He wanted me to tell you and Mom a long time ago. Things kept coming up so I pushed it back. But then he couldn’t wait anymore and he left. I thought telling you would make him come back to me…but it didn’t.” He took a deep breath so he wouldn’t cry again.
Whatever doubt I had that Roland was confused was gone. I saw the pain and love in his eyes. He was mourning Heath like he lost his soul mate. I could see it in his eyes as well as his frame. “Why didn’t it?”
“He says he shouldn’t have to leave me to make his point…and I hurt him too many times.” He stared at the floor and took another deep breath.
“I’m sorry, Roland.”
“Yeah…” He wiped the tears out of his eyes.
I could only imagine how depressed he’d been for the past few days. He thought he lost his dad as well as his boyfriend. “Is there anything I can do?”
He shook his head. “No. Just knowing you don’t hate me is enough.”
I couldn’t believe he thought I ever could. “You want to get something to eat?” I wanted to show him that everything was exactly the same. Our relationship hadn’t changed. And I certainly didn’t look at him differently.
“Okay.”
***
Roland didn’t eat much and I could tell he hadn’t been eating much in a while. He looked thinner than before, not his usual muscular self. I assumed it was a product of being depressed over Heath.
“So, when Heath came along that’s when you knew?” I asked, trying to be casual.
“No, I always knew…in a distant way. I’ve always been more sensitive than the rest of the guys.”
“But Heath is the one who brought it out?”
“Yeah,” he said. “We had a connection from the beginning and it wasn’t just friendly. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time but I knew it was there. He was the only person I wanted to be around. And when things happened…I just knew.”
“When did you tell Skye?”
“A few months ago,” he said. “I wanted her support when I told you and Mom. I thought it would be easier.”
“She’s a good sister,” I said. “She’ll always have your back—like a sibling is supposed to.”
“Yeah.”
“And you told Conrad?”
“He walked in on me and Heath,” he said. “I didn’t have much of a choice.”
“Well, now that you told me do you feel better?”
“Now I do,” he said. “A few hours ago I didn’t.”
I ate my noodles and tried not to stare at my son. His eyes were still red from crying at the apartment. Seeing his pain made me feel terrible. I knew I was partially responsible for it. “There’s no way you can get back together?”
He shook his head. “I’ve tried…”
“Maybe you should try again.”
“I did,” he said. “I poured my heart out to him…it didn’t make a difference.”
“Well, it’s his loss then, Roland. You deserve someone really great, someone who will wait a lifetime for you.”
“Thanks, Dad…” He looked me in the eye. “I never thought we could have lunch and talk about this…”
“Nothing is different, Roland.”
“But I’m your only son. I’ll never be able to give you grandkids…”
“Why not?” I asked. “Can’t you adopt?” Or was that something he was against?
“You wouldn’t care?” He seemed surprised. “Even though the kids weren’t mine…?”
Did my son think I was a cold-hearted monster? “Cortland and Ryan aren’t related to me but they’re brothers to me. I look at their kids like they’re my own. Mike is the only relative I have but everyone else is as close as family. Of all people, I believe family doesn’t have to be made by blood. Family is whom you choose. If you adopted kids Scarlet and I would love them just as much. It doesn’t matter.”
Emotion was in his eyes. “I’m so glad you guys are taking this so well. I thought you would never speak to me again.”
“Never.”
“Are you going to tell everyone else?” he asked. “I know you tell them everything.”
“I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to.”
“No, you can. I’d rather it be out in the open.”
“You’re sure?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He picked at his food again.
I sipped my tea then looked out the window.
Roland sighed and stared at his food. “I’m so lucky…”
I turned back to him, unsure of his meaning.
“When Heath told his family, he was disowned. They wanted nothing to do with him. To this day, they haven’t called him or even checked on him. He’s totally alone and without a family. And…you guys treat me exactly the same. I wish he had the same thing.”
I didn’t know what to say to that so I kept staring at him. It was unfortunate that not all parents truly loved their children. Scarlet knew that too well. Her mother never cared for her. Ryan was the closest thing to a parent she ever had. Scarlet and I worked hard to give our kids what they needed and deserved—and not physical things. “We can be parents to Heath. Scarlet and I wouldn’t mind that at all.”
“I wish I could tell him that…” He stared at his food and pushed it around with his fork.
I watched my son, wishing I could fix all his problems. It was an obsessive need I had for both of my children. I always wanted them to be happy and would go to any end to make it happen.
But I didn’t know how to fix this.
***
When I left Roland, I made a call.
“Mr. Preston. How may I help you?” Roger’s voice sounded emotionless like always.
“I need an address.”
“Of course, sir. The name?”
“Heath O’Neill.”
“Give me one moment.” He typed in the background and remained quiet for several minutes. Then he came back. “You have a pen?”
***
I knocked and waited for Heath to answer the door. I wasn’t sure what I expected to accomplish. My son just told me he was gay a few days ago and I still didn’t understand the change. How did I talk to Heath about it? The same way I would talk to Cayson? Perhaps I was overthinking it.
Heath answered the door and eyed me in surprise. He clearly had no idea what I was doing there. “Mr. Preston, what are you doing here? Is Roland okay?”
“Call me Sean,” I blurted. “And no, he’s not okay.”
He continued to block the door. “What happened?”
“May I come inside?”
He hesitated for a moment before he stepped aside.
I entered his apartment and scanned the room. It was classy and sleek, unusually clean for a guy’s place. I turned back to him, unsure what to say. I decided to just go for it. “My son loves you and he’s miserable without you. Please give him another chance.”
Judging the surprise in Heath’s eyes that was the last thing he expected me to say. “He really told you about us…?”
“Did you think he was lying?” I asked calmly.
“I…I wasn’t sure.” He rubbed the back of his neck.
“He wasn’t,” I said. “And my son isn’t a liar.” I knew I shouldn’t get defensive. That wouldn’t get me anywhere. But when it came to my kids I was unnaturally protective.
Heath crossed his arms over his chest.
“Heath, my son should have told me the truth a year ago. I wish he had. I wish he knew that his mother and I wouldn’t think less of him. If anything we love him more. It took a lot of courage to admit that to his friends and us. I respect him for being different and following his heart.
“I know being a secret hasn�
�t been easy for you. No one would like it. But I hope you understand Roland didn’t hide you because he was ashamed. He was just terrified to lose me. He values my opinion immensely.”
“I know,” he said quietly.
“The truth is out and he made it clear that you’re the person he wants. So…please give him another chance.”
Heath sighed and didn’t say anything.
This wasn’t going to work. I was losing him. I couldn’t walk away without making this right. I couldn’t leave without getting my son what he wanted most. “He told me you lost your family. He told me they turned their backs on you when you told them the truth.”
Heath watched me with guarded eyes.
“I’m sorry that happened to you. It wasn’t right and you don’t deserve that treatment. Your father should have held you and said nothing had changed. He should have been proud to call you his son.”
He continued to watch me.
“I’ve always liked you, Heath. You’ve been a great friend to Roland and my wife adores you. If you need a family, we can be that for you. If you need a father, I can be a father to you.”
Emotion filled his eyes.
“I can give you somewhere to call home. I can give you love. I can give you a family.”
He averted his gaze.
“Please give Roland another chance. You’re so close to having everything you want. And my son is so close too. Let’s leave the pain and hurt in the past and move forward—together.”
Heath dropped his hands to his sides. “I miss him—a lot.”
“He misses you too.”
“He really hurt me…”
“And he knows that,” I said. “He wants to make up for it.”
“He asked you to come here?” he asked quietly.
“No. He doesn’t know I’m here,” I said. “And if you don’t go back to him I’ll probably never tell him. It’ll hurt him too much.”
His eyes swelled with moisture. “He’s lucky to have a father like you.”
“I’m lucky my wife gave me two amazing kids. I’m lucky she’s given me everything.”
He digested everything I said in silence.
“My wife and I didn’t have the best relationship when we first got together. I hurt her—a lot. I betrayed her—several times. I tore apart our relationship until there was nothing but scraps left. But…she gave me another chance. And I made up for all the things I did. I did my best to give her everything she deserved, and I’m so grateful she loved me enough to risk her heart one last time. So…if you believe in love, risk the pain.”