by Natasha West
‘You’re my friend. It’s not a bother to ask for my help. Please try to remember that the next time you jilt someone at the altar.’
Chloe laughed, genuinely this time. It sounded odd in her own ears. Lack of use, she guessed.
‘Nobody was at an alter’ she said once the laughter subsided. ‘Don’t make it even worse than it was, I beg you.’
Jess watched Chloe, a little more relaxed than when she’d first found her in the hotel, and it pleased her to know she’d offered some little shred of comfort. It made her feel less useless in the situation. It had been awful to see what a wreck she’d become.
She looked at her watch.
‘We better get back.’
‘Must we?’
‘Yes. But I promise, later on, we’ll go and get completely smashed, maybe even find you a stranger to touch. How does that sound?’
Chloe shook her head vehemently, saying ‘Oh, Jess, that’s sweet but I don’t really think that’s going to help.’
‘Why not? Works for everyone else when their lives fall apart.’
Chloe went to say that she was still in the middle of sorting out her feelings about the whole Freya debacle. That even though she’d ended it, she still cared about Freya and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to move on yet.
But was that really true? It had been ten months since the aborted wedding. Surely that was long enough to grieve for the life she’d shared with Freya. Maybe she wouldn’t feel able to move on till she actually started doing it? And right then, Chloe would have done anything to feel like she was taking steps away from the truly awful year she’d had.
‘You know what? You’re on!’ Chloe declared.
‘Woah’ Jess said. ‘Slow down, cowgirl!’
Chloe put her empty glass down and let out a wet belch that seemed to ricochet around the slightly seedy bar they were in. Her hand flew to her lips in horror.
‘Oh my god! I’m so sorry!’
Jess sniggered at the noise as Chloe dabbed at her mouth with a napkin.
‘The belching is fine but take it easy on the booze, would you? It’s a marathon, not a sprint.’
Chloe was offended.
‘This was your idea!’
‘Yes, but if we’re throwing up in the gutters in an hour’s time, it might cramp your chances of pulling. Trust me, it ain’t a hot look. I’m sure you remember that from my little adventure last year.’
Chloe smiled ruefully.
‘You might have a point.’
Jess took a quick look around the bar.
‘So, what are you thinking? Boy or girl?’
Chloe gave her a short look of disdain.
‘It really doesn’t work like that. It’s all about-’
‘-all about the person. Yes, I know the bisexual tagline. But surely you’ve got like, I don’t know, a craving for one or the other sometimes?’
‘I’m not pregnant, Jess. It’s not like pickles with ice cream. You just see someone and get a feeling. You know what I mean.’
Jess sighed and said ‘Alright. We’ll see if you ‘get a feeling’ about someone.’
She had a quick look about. She spotted a guy in thick rimmed glasses with a trimmed beard and a tweed flat cap.
‘What about him?’
‘Bit hipster.’
‘You’re not marrying him, Chloe, you’re just going to use him for sex.’
Chloe looked down and Jess realised what she’d just said.
‘I’m sorry, didn’t mean to make you think about weddings.’
‘It’s fine’ she sighed. ‘But he’s not my cup of tea, even for the purely physical.’
‘Alright.’
Jess kept scanning.
‘What about her?’ she said, spotting a tall blonde.
Chloe took a look.
‘She looks just like Claire.’
Jess looked again.
‘Do you think so? Christ, I think you’re right. Guess I’ve got a type. I should probably not use my own sex radar to find someone for you, should I?’
‘Ideally. Maybe you should leave me to do this myself.’
‘So tell me, what’s your type?’ Jess asked.
‘I don’t know really.’
‘Think about everyone you’ve been with. Try to put together a general profile.’
Chloe cycled through her memories of past boyfriends and girlfriends but she couldn’t find an obvious pattern. There was no common physical trait.
‘I don’t think there’s one particular physical thing that I like’ she explained. ‘I think I’m more into personality traits.’
Jess sighed and said ‘That’s gonna be tough to assess in a bar.’
‘Look, let’s not worry about it. Whatever happens, happens.’
Jess nodded, raised her glass and said ‘I’ll drink to that.’
Chloe raised her empty glass and clinked with her.
‘Speaking of Claire’, Chloe said as she put her glass down, ‘How’s she doing?’
Jess paused.
‘She’s… fine.’
‘Fine?’
‘Yeah. We’re doing alright, I’d say.’
She knew from some back and forth emails last year that Jess had done as she’d said, moving out of the flat she shared with Claire to care for her Gran. And that after several months, Granny Cooper had indeed gotten back on her feet. Then Jess had gone home to her wife. But how it stood now, Chloe didn’t know.
Chloe could hear that there was more to say on the subject. But she thought she should probably wait until they were a few drinks deeper before she asked more.
‘My round’ Chloe said and headed to the bar.
‘You see my friend over there?’ Jess was asking a cute girl in her mid-twenties with an asymmetrical haircut and tattoo sleeves. Her name was Mia or Maya, Jess hadn’t quite caught it.
Mia or Maya looked over at Chloe, who was examining her fingernails at the table, unaware of what Jess, who’d claimed she was going to the toilet, was up to.
‘The redhead?’
‘Yeah. What do you think, would you like to meet her? She’s single.’
Mia/Maya assessed Chloe briefly and said ‘Yeah, OK.’
Chloe had just taken a sip of her fresh drink when Jess’s hand came down on her shoulder. She looked around in mild surprise.
‘Hey, I want you to meet…’ Jess tailed off, hoping to god the girl would fill in the blank so that she didn’t say the wrong name and end this before it began.
Luckily, the girl had nice manners.
‘Mila’ she said. ‘Nice to meet you.’
She stuck her hand out and Chloe, still trying to acclimate to what was happening, shook it limply.
‘Hi’ she said, flicking a look to Jess. The look that said ‘I’m going to murder you later.’
Jess caught the look but she didn’t care. This would be good for Chloe. Whether it led to sex, an exchange of phone numbers or just a brief flirtation, Chloe needed to pull out of the nosedive she was in. Jess would see to it, one way or the other. If she needed to recruit a dozen ‘Mila’s’ to do it, she would.
Ten minutes later, Jess felt like things were going well between Chloe and Mila. She wondered how long she should wait before excusing herself.
Mila stood suddenly, saying ‘Just need to visit the little girls’ room’ and disappeared.
Jess was just about to open her mouth to ask if she should bugger off out of the way when Chloe rounded on her.
‘What are you doing?’ Chloe asked crossly.
Jess was utterly blindsided by Chloe’s anger.
‘What? I thought you liked Mila?’ she said, baffled.
‘She’s a perfectly nice girl but that’s really not the point.’
‘Why the hell not? You said this was what you wanted. I found you a cute girl. I thought you’d thank me!’
‘That’s the point. You picked her.’
‘What difference does that make?’
‘Because I thought tonight
was about what I wanted, not about what you wanted.’
Jess was about to bark a quick fire response, but Chloe wasn’t finished.
‘What’s all this about?’
‘Err… It’s about getting you laid.’
Chloe shook her head.
‘I really don’t think it is. This was your idea, then you start picking people for me even though I told you not to’ Chloe said. Then, after a moment’s hesitation, she muttered quietly ‘And you’re obviously having some problems at home.’
Jess was in no mood to have this turn into some attack on her marriage.
‘Don’t drag my personal life into this. It’s got nothing to do with anything.’
‘That’s the thing. You’re the one dragging yourself in to this. But whatever it is you’re trying to work out through me, it’s not going to happen.’
Jess was gobsmacked.
Mila chose that moment to reappear. She looked back and forth between Chloe and Jess and picked up on the vibe immediately.
‘Hey, guys, I think maybe it’s time for me to be getting back to my friends.’
She took a pen out of her bag and scribbled her number on a beer mat, handing it to Chloe.
‘Call me if you like’ she said and disappeared.
‘That was so embarrassing’ Chloe said after she’d gone.
‘It needn’t have been. She seemed sweet and I wouldn’t have kicked her out of bed for eating crackers. You could have done a lot worse. Come to think of it, you have!’
‘Oh, is that a Freya dig?’
Jess gave an exasperated groan.
‘Can I seriously not take a shot at Freya now that you’ve binned her off?’
Chloe took a moment to collect herself.
‘Look, this is getting out of hand. I don’t want to fight with you. You’re one of my few remaining good relationships.’
Jess nodded.
‘I don’t want to fight either.’
‘Great.’
‘Good.’
They sat in silence for a second, trying to figure out how the night had flipped on them.
Eventually, Jess put both her hand’s up in surrender and said ‘Pineapple.’
Chloe couldn’t help but smile.
‘I’m pineapple too’ she replied. ‘Can we talk about the elephant now?’
‘I’ve put on a couple of pounds this year, but that’s no reason to call me an elephant!’ Jess shot back.
Chloe simply folded her arms and waited.
‘Christ sakes, alright, alright. I’ll talk. You’re worse than my mother.’
‘That’s the second time you’ve compared me to one of your older female relatives’
Jess shrugged and said ‘Guess you’ve just got an old soul.’
Chloe sighed deeply.
‘I’m the wrong side of thirty with two broken engagements under my belt. It’ll age you.’
Jess gave a lopsided smile.
‘That puts my problems in perspective.’
‘And they would be?’ Chloe asked.
‘I don’t really know. Things have just… changed somehow. We just keep having these stupid fights. And I think…’ Jess trailed off.
‘What?’
Jess spoke as though it was physically painful.
‘I get the feeling she’s cheating on me.’
Chloe was shocked.
‘What? Are you sure?’
‘No, that’s the thing. At the moment, it’s just a feeling.’
Chloe was momentarily at a loss, but there was only one question she could ask.
‘Well, have you asked her?’
Jess looked horrified at the thought.
‘God, no!’
‘Why not?’
‘Because if she says no, I’ve just admitted I don’t trust her. And if she says yes, that’s even worse.’
Jess slumped in her chair.
‘I’m just fucked however you slice it.’
Chloe began to feel an anger building at Claire. Whatever she’d done, or not done, she was not being a great wife to get Jess in this state. At worst, she was an adulterer. At best, she was neglectful.
‘So what are you going to do?’
Jess shrugged.
‘What can I do?’
‘You know what you have to do’ Chloe said gently. ‘You just don’t want to do it. And I don’t blame you for that. But there’s no way round it. You have to talk to her.’
Jess groaned.
‘Ahh fuck’ she said simply. ‘You’re right. I know you’re right.’
Jess took a sip of her drink as she processed Chloe’s advice. She decided she’d had enough of her own problems. Someone else’s might make a nice change of pace.
‘You know, you never told me what really happened with the whole Freya thing.’
Chloe wagged her finger and said ‘Nice try but we’re talking about you.’
‘Yes, but since I’ve just hung my dirty laundry out to dry, now I get to dig into your soiled undies’ Jess said and then shook her head. ‘Could I just retract that statement on the grounds that it was gross?’
‘Sustained’ said Chloe, grimacing.
‘But the sentiment stands. What the fuck happened?’
Chloe looked off into the distance for a moment. How to explain the whole thing? One of the reasons she was struggling was the Jess part of it. She hadn’t cancelled her wedding for Jess, not exactly. She knew there was no point in that. Jess was married. That ship had most likely sailed.
But that night in Birmingham had struck a chord in Chloe. Talking and laughing all night, having adventures, it had been fun. Freya, for all that was good about her, had never been fun. She was strictly anti-fun.
It hadn’t just been that, however. It was something about being with Jess herself. Some sort of spark, the crackle that had always existed between them. And the safety of her. Chloe had felt content with Jess, understood. It had made Chloe wonder where the hell that feeling was when she was with Freya. Why was it missing? Had it always been missing or had they misplaced it more recently? Chloe couldn’t remember. She just hoped to god these worries could be put down to simple wedding jitters.
But as the pages had flown off the calendar in the stressful montage that had been the run up to the big day, Chloe felt a wrongness. A certainty that drilled deeper and deeper into her core with every new day. It was suddenly plain to see that she had simply been playing house with Freya. Once that knowledge presented itself to Chloe, it wouldn’t leave her. She was stuck with the terrible truth.
She didn’t really love Freya. She never had.
She’d wanted to love her so desperately that she’d mistaken the need for her as love in itself. But as the day drew near, she didn’t feel capable of pretending anymore. Not to herself and not with Freya. And most certainly not in front of a congregation of friends and loved ones.
She’d been torn about what to do at first. Part of her thought it would simply be easier to just go through with the wedding and then get a divorce later. And if she’d still been in her early twenties, she might have done just that. But she’d turned thirty not long before she was due to get married. She realised she didn’t have years to throw away just so she didn’t have to have an awkward conversation.
But it was lucky she hadn’t possessed a crystal ball with future predicting capabilities. Because if she’d know the true awfulness of that conversation and the ones that would follow it; with her mother, her friends, her colleagues, not to mention the caterers, she might have made a different decision.
But once those words had left her mouth and flown into Freya’s furious ears ‘I don’t want to marry you’, there was no turning back. She just had to keep walking up the dreadful hill, pushing on until she’d dismantled her own life in totality.
But explaining that to Jess? Impossible. She was her friend, and whatever else she was, she was that first. If she said anything about that night now, how it had made her feel, she was risking too much.
&n
bsp;