by Natasha West
Now here they were, about to put her in the ground. It seemed surreal.
‘Jess’ she heard her mother say sharply. ‘Those shoes are brown.’
‘What’ she said, pulled from her daze.
‘Don’t you have any black shoes? This is your Grandma’s funeral!’
Jess took a deep breath. She’d been having to take a lot of those today. Her mother, Carol, tended to channel sadness into criticism. And Jess was doing her best to take the brunt of it.
‘I don’t think Gran would have minded about my shoes, Mum’ she said patiently.
‘That’s not the point-’ Carol began.
Jess’s Dad put his hand on her Mum’s shoulder, saying kindly ‘You ready to go in?’
Carol looked at him, apparently deciding whether to ream Jess out or not. Jess held her breath.
‘Fine’ she said.
Jess let the breath out.
‘Are you coming in with us?’ Carole asked.
‘I’m just waiting for Claire’ Jess replied.
Carol made a sort of harrumph noise and muttered ‘You’ll have a bloody wait’ and went in. Jess’s Dad threw a look of apology over his wife’s shoulder.
Jess let him know with a look that it was OK. And then her parents left her.
Jess had to admit, her Mum did have a point. Claire wasn’t likely to come. She hadn’t seen her in months. Jess had sent her a text, pointedly telling her that the funeral was today. She hadn’t asked her to come, as such. But part of her hoped she would. Because she needed someone who was just here for her. Even if they were over, Jess thought she still might have come, after all they’d been through together, the life they’d shared. Jess hoped it would still count for something.
But as the seconds ticked on, it was apparent that she would not be joined by her soon to be ex-wife.
She turned to go into the church, alone. And then she heard a patter sound, shoes on pavement, coming at a brisk clip. She thought that perhaps Claire was coming after all.
She turned to the sound and who did she see?
‘Jess!’ Chloe called to her, running along the other side of the churchyard wall, panting and red.
Jess’s eyes nearly fell out of her head.
‘Chloe?!’
‘I…’ Chloe began, still not at the gate. But she realised she really didn’t know how to explain what the hell she was doing there.
She finally got through the gate and walked toward Jess.
‘I’m sorry’ she started. ‘You must think I’m a crazy person-’
Chloe’s words were muffled by the powerful hug that enveloped her.
‘I’m glad you’re here’ Jess said.
Chloe held her tightly, relief blossoming in her chest. The mad dash to Manchester had been worth every ounce of effort. Jess needed her.
Jess and Chloe sat at the back of the church, waiting for the service to start. The vicar had just explained that they would be listening to Hazel’s favourite song as she was carried in by the pallbearers. Everyone waited for it to begin.
Suddenly, the first strains of ‘Wannabee’ by The Spice Girls hit the air. Many of the congregation looked baffled and a mutter went through the crowd, people asking each other if the song had been played by mistake.
But Jess knew it was the right song. Her Gran had loved nineties pop.
As the song continued, hitting the chorus, Jess started to laugh. And then she began to cry. Chloe’s hand slipped into hers and Jess gripped it hard as the casket went by.
The wake was held at Carol’s house. Jess and Chloe were standing in the living room, plates of sandwiches in their hands.
‘Another year, another crap buffet’ Jess muttered to Chloe. Chloe smiled gently at the joke. Just like Jess to find humour in the situation, even today.
Now the funeral was over and the shock of Chloe’s appearance had passed, Jess had questions.
‘So…’ she started.
Chloe knew what was coming.
‘It’s a long story. I saw Greg at the conference. He told me what had happened.’
‘So you just jumped on a train to Manchester?’
‘That’s about the size of it. Actually, I guess it’s not that long a story.’
Jess smiled. She was struck by a thought.
‘Do you need to get home? It’s Sunday, after all. You’d be in Oxford by this time usually.’
Chloe did indeed need to be home. She was supposed to go on a date with a guy named Jonathan tonight. It would be their second date. She was supposed to meet him in a few hours.
‘No’ Chloe said. ‘I don’t need to be anywhere.’
She’d text Jonathan later and explain. He’d just have to understand. She wasn’t sure if she’d been completely up for it anyway. Jonathan had very sweaty hands and he never seemed to get her jokes. Perhaps it was for the best.
Jess was looking at Chloe with wonder.
‘I can’t believe you came. After last year…’
Chloe shook her head.
‘I’m as amazed as you are, to be honest. I thought there was a good chance I’d never see you again. But when I heard about your Gran, I just felt like I should be here.’ She shrugged ‘I can’t explain.’
‘Then don’t. I don’t care what made you come, I’m just glad you did.’
Jess and Chloe shared a look full of history and emotion. That was as much explanation as either of them needed.
After the trains had finished for the night, Chloe was still with Jess. They were at her flat, having a cup of tea. It had been a long wake, a long day. Jess was exhausted. From the day and from the loss she’d suffered. It had taken everything out of her.
It might not have been the best time for houseguests, but Chloe had come all this way and there was no way that Jess could send her to a hotel. She offered her the sofa and Chloe gratefully accepted.
And now they were sitting in the living room, the TV on, watching some banal sitcom. The laughter track was music to Jess’s ears, easy to ignore.
Chloe had been wondering all day where Claire was, but she hadn’t wanted to ask. It wasn’t the time for it. But now they were here, in the flat Jess shared with Claire, Chloe couldn’t help it. It was like a fly buzzing at her ear. Where was she?
‘Jess, I just wondered…’
‘…where the hell Claire is?’ Jess finished. ‘I’ve been waiting for you to ask that all day. She’s long gone.’
The news shouldn’t have come as a shock to Chloe but it jarred her a little.
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah. As it turned out, I guess I couldn’t live with her flaws and she couldn’t live with mine. So she found someone else.’
‘So you were right about her cheating?’
‘When I confronted her about it, she said she wasn’t. But a few months later, she left me anyway. She said she couldn’t live with somebody who made her feel like she wasn’t good enough. And then I heard through some mutual friends that she’d moved in with someone else. So if I had to guess, I’d say she was most likely sleeping with someone else last year. Not that I care now. She didn’t even come to my Gran’s funeral’ she said bitterly. ‘I’m glad we split if she couldn’t put our stuff aside to come and be my friend for a few hours.’
Jess threw a brief sweet smile to Chloe on that last part. Chloe felt a warmth inside at the look. But it was hard to hear what a bad time Jess had been going through lately.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Me too. But perhaps it was my fault anyway. I didn’t know that’s how I made people feel, like they’re not good enough. But maybe I pushed her away, forced her to go looking elsewhere.’
Chloe frowned. She wished Claire were in front of her right this second. She’d punch her in the face.
‘You never made me feel like that, if it’s any consolation.’
Jess turned to her, regarding her thoughtfully.
‘Actually, it kind of is.’
They both smiled and turned back to the TV.
Maybe it was the strange turn her day had taken. Maybe it was the fact that she was sleeping a few feet away from Jess. She didn’t know. She just couldn’t seem to close her eyes.
And now she was waking from scattered hours of sleep, wondering how she looked. She knew from experience that there were probably dreadful shadows under her eyes and that she probably had a major case of bed hair. She must look a fright. Her breath would be a disaster on its own.
She wondered if she’d be able to get into the bathroom before Jess woke. Her bag was sitting in the hall. If she was quiet, maybe she could get some time with a toothbrush and a face wipe. She had to try and do something with herself before human eyes beheld her.
But as she crept toward the bathroom, she heard a door creak open.
Chloe froze, wondering whether to make a break for it. But Jess was suddenly standing in the hall in her pyjamas, looking a lot more together than Chloe felt.
‘Hi’ she said.
‘Morning’ Chloe said self-consciously.
They looked at each other for a moment, silently. Chloe had the dreadful thought that Jess had forgotten she was here and she’d just realised she was stuck with an unwanted houseguest.
But that wasn’t what was running through Jess’s mind.
‘I still can’t believe you’re here’ she said. And then she shook her head in wonder. ‘You look amazing.’
Chloe’s mouth dropped open and she tried to say something but nothing came out.
Jess stepped toward her and Chloe felt that familiar hard beat in her chest, a singular rhythm that seemed reserved for Jess. And then Jess kissed her.
Chloe forgot her bedhead and morning breath. She forgot pretty much everything as Jess’s lips met hers. It was as though time stopped.
Their bodies intertwined as the kiss deepened. Chloe felt Jess’s hands on her body and that was permission to do the same to Jess. She let her hands travel all over Jess, feeling that beautiful body that she hadn’t felt in so many years. It had been worth the wait to touch her once more, to feel that mouth on hers.
Amidst the passion, Jess forgot a lot of things too. She forgot the marriage she couldn’t save. She forgot the deep well of grief she’d been stuck in for weeks. She forgot the year she’d spent trying not to think about Chloe.
Everything was somehow better. She had something she hadn’t known she needed. She had Chloe.
Later on, Chloe and Jess were lying in Jess’s bed, holding each other. They’d both been in silent contemplation for some time, happy enough just to know the other was there.
Chloe broke the peace first.
‘This is the first time we’ve made it to a Monday. We’re usually at opposite ends of the country by now.’
The thought rattled them both. It was as though they’d forgotten the small fact of their geographical issue.
‘What should we do about that, do you think? The whole South, North thing’ Jess asked.
‘I don’t have a clue’ Chloe replied, a touch of sadness settling on her. Was this as good a deal as they could manage? The annual weekend?
She wanted more than that. She wanted all of Jess. She realised with no surprise at all that she was completely in love with her.
She wondered how long that had been going on. Too long, certainly. There had been times over the last ten years that she’d felt that she might be starting to fall for Jess, others when she thought she just saw Jess as a friend, others still when she thought that she would simply like to have sex with her. But those feelings had all been pit stops on the way to the obvious conclusion. She loved Jess.
She wondered how Jess was feeling. But there was absolutely no chance she was going to say ‘Hey, I love you! Do you love me?’ She’d rather sit on a sharp spike.
‘I just realised something’ Jess said suddenly. ‘I know that we’ve technically known each other for ten years. But when you break it down, it’s really only been twenty-six days.’
‘What?’ Chloe said, turning in surprise.
‘When you count up the days spent in each other’s company, that’s the total.’
Chloe quickly did the sums.
‘Oh my god. You’re right’ she said wondrously. ‘That’s not much time, is it?’
Jess thought of her Gran’s story, of agreeing to marry a man she’d only met a month ago. She smiled slowly.
‘You know what’ Jess said. ‘I think it’s enough to take a chance on. I’m in love with you, Chloe. I don’t know when that happened. Maybe it was ten years ago. Maybe it was ten minutes ago. I don’t care. That’s just how it is. I hope that’s OK with you.’
Chloe stopped breathing for a second before she remembered that she should probably keep taking in oxygen if she wanted to live. Once she’d gotten her lungs working again, she said ‘I love you too, Jess’.
Jess kissed Chloe. Time stopped again.
They’d gotten very lucky with the timing of their reunion. It was just at the start of the school summer break. They had six whole weeks together before they had to part. They spent much of that time in Jess’s bed. Some of it was spent making love. But most of it was just spent talking. Jess and Chloe were still getting to know each other, after all.
They had many questions about each other’s lives. Their upbringings, first kisses, most embarrassing moments, all the time before they’d met and the years in between seeing one another. They wanted to know everything they could about each other, everything they’d never gotten a chance to say before. And Chloe, even though she was usually a closed book, found she actually wanted to tell Jess everything about herself. It was a new feeling. But she felt safe enough with Jess to do it. Safer than she’d ever felt before.
As the days passed, Chloe threatened to go home several times, pleading a need for more than had been contained in her weekend bag. She swore she’d be back in a few days. But Jess would not let go of her. She convinced her to simply buy new things. Chloe hadn’t needed much convincing.
So she’d stayed the entire six weeks. It was the best summer break she’d ever had. It felt like she’d found some private island in Jess’s flat where she could forget all her cares.
But every holiday has to end.
They finally said goodbye the day before Autumn term was due to begin. It was a tough day. Even the usually stoic Jess found tears springing in her eyes.
But it wasn’t for long. Jess was actually due to come and see Chloe the following weekend.
And things went that way for a while, Chloe and Jess taking turns to travel up and down the country. The weekends couldn’t come quick enough.
Eventually, enough was enough. Jess and Chloe were tired of the goodbyes. They’d said too many of those to each other. Enough for a lifetime.
Jess offered to move. Even though she loved her school and couldn’t bear to leave, she was willing to make the sacrifice.
But Chloe wouldn’t hear it. She thought that if one of them were going to leave their school, it should be her. She was sick of the bratty rich kids and their entitled parents anyway. She thought maybe it was time to plunge into the deep end of the educational system. The thought unnerved her, to be sure. But she wasn’t twenty-one anymore. She was ready for the challenge.
And the thought of being able to come home to Jess after her day was through made the risk one worth taking.
Year Eleven
August 2016 – Jess and Chloe’s flat (Manchester)
‘Good lord woman, get out of the bathroom’ Jess cried through the door.
‘I can’t find my contacts!’
‘Oh no’ Jess said in faux sympathy. ‘You’ll have to wear your glasses! Oh well, these thing happen.’
The bathroom door opened and Chloe appeared, bespectacled and annoyed.
‘I wouldn’t be surprised
if you’d hidden them.’
‘You’ve got me. I ate them last night’ Jess said.
Chloe rolled her eyes and came out of the bathroom.
‘I know that’s a joke but I wouldn’t be shocked.’
‘I don’t know what to tell you, I just love that hot librarian thing. Reminds me of the first time I saw you.’