“Where are you rushing to?” Avner finally speaks, “come, stay for a while, let me make you coffee. We have a new machine!”
Of course, she thinks cynically, I wonder who paid for it. “I have to go,” she says and picks up her purse. Then she turns to Dror. “Please fetch Nadav from karate. He finishes in half an hour.”
Dror nods. She can’t stand him, and for a moment she enjoys making him miserable, humiliating him. He’s such a loser. He knows where she’s going now and he doesn’t even try to stop her. He doesn’t have the balls.
She sends him a message before she’s even down the stairs. “I’m on my way over.” She doesn’t ask, she just informs him She hopes he doesn’t answer that he’s busy.
The city is jammed, and every traffic light takes ages. At one, she tries to ignore two young men who’ve rediscovered religion They’re distributing holy books to the masses and waving CDs and pamphlets at her. She honks at anyone trying to cut in. She doesn’t have time, she has to keep moving. She won’t tell her father just yet. In any case he’s in a world of his own, but she must talk to Racheli. What will she tell her, that they’re getting divorced? That they’re not getting divorced, that instead they’re seeing a therapist? It all sounds so stupid. And she has no need for pity. She doesn’t want to feel like a failure, and compared to Racheli, she always feels like a failure. It’s not like she’ll be surprised, she knows how messed up her relationship with Dror is. Only an utter fool could miss it.
In the end she gets there. He opens the door and hugs her to his bare chest. He smells faintly of sweat. She inhales and feels like she’s home.
They lie in bed cuddling, the scent of sex still hanging in the air.
“Do you really want therapy?” he asks, turning onto his back.
“I don’t know,” she sighs, “but I promised.”
He bursts out laughing and she snaps shut like a wounded clam.
He apologizes quickly, “I didn’t mean to mock you,” he says, “but you don’t owe anyone anything.”
“Maybe a little,” she says, turning on her side, “to Dror. We have been together for twenty years.”
“Twenty years too many,” he says, a hint of contempt in his voice, “you you’re your freedom. You have no idea yet how good it’ll be for you…”
“You and I are different, Koby,” she says indulgently, “we don’t all need the same things.” She pauses before continuing. “If you’d agree to move in with me, I’d get divorced today.”
“Anat,” he looks her in the eye, “don’t add me to this equation. This is between you and Dror. You have to get divorced for yourself.”
“I know,” she sighs again, “I know that you aren’t interested, I just don’t understand why. We’re so good together…”
“Anat,” he continues, “don’t you see that I can’t give you the stability and security you’re looking for? I have no intention of remarrying, or of living with a woman; any woman. I’m not looking for a commitment. I’m sorry.”
She feels all the energy drain from her body and quietly gets out of bed. She knows, but still, it hurts like a stake straight through the heart.
***
“Tell me a little about yourselves,” Ehud Hirsch, the therapist with twenty-six years of experience says.
Her gaze wanders to the window. What the heck is she doing here? She tries to stay focused. She tells him about herself, the children, and adds that she’ll let Dror speak for himself.
Dror has little to say: He’s forty-six, he’s been working for a software company for twelve years in a managerial role. No, it’s not in Jerusalem. About three quarters of an hour’s drive each way. And no, he doesn’t mind it. He likes driving, he likes the break it gives him between work and home, when he can enjoy some quiet time on his own. He usually gets home around eight in the evening, sometimes a little earlier. When does he spend time with the children? He’s not sure. The children are pretty big…they don’t really spend time together…
He honestly doesn’t know how they’ve reached this point. That is, sure he has an idea: Anat suddenly decided that she wants a divorce, but he doesn’t understand why and what’s changed all of a sudden. All in all, the situation has been pretty static for many years now.
She gives a short snort. Ehud asks her why.
Oh, come on, she growls, Dror is shrugging off all responsibility, as he’s been doing for years. He doesn’t understand because he doesn’t see. He doesn’t see because he’s not interested in seeing. The answer is easy: They don’t love each other.
Fine, she won’t put words in his mouth, hell, he’s become so sensitive. She’ll speak for herself: She doesn’t love him. She hasn’t for a long time. For years, in fact. She doesn’t feel like he’s part of the home. He’s distant, both physically and emotionally. He never spends time with the children, he pays her no attention, she doesn’t remember the last time they had a conversation, or he have her a compliment, or showed any interest in her wellbeing. He has no idea what she does at preschool every day. It just doesn’t interest him.
Dror jumps in. “You also have no idea what I do at work all day! Do I use that as a reason to get and say I want out?”
She tells him to stop playing feigning innocence, that it’s not because of that, it’s complex, like everything in life.
“It’s because of Koby!” Dror folds his arms reproachfully.
“No, it’s not because of Koby,” she explains.
Ehud looks from Dror to her and promptly jots something down on his notepad. He probably wrote the word “cheat” in big black letters. And she’s not even cheating, he’s just a good friend. She’s finally found someone who understands her, someone who shows an interest in her, so why does she have to give that up?
Ehud asks why they got married.
She has no idea and Dror is silent, as usual. He has nothing to say, he’s like a person who’s hollow inside. They got married just because. Because. They met, they dated for a short while, and then Dror proposed and she consented. It was a different era. Everyone got married young, they weren’t the first. And why’s he not asking who Koby is? It’s the obvious thing to ask! He’ll probably attack her with it later, when she’s less prepared, he’s arming himself now. She has to prepare for a blow below the belt. On the other hand, he’s supposed to be neutral, right? Maybe she just has to relax and hear what he has to say.
Ehud asks if they want their relationship to change; their lives. Basically, he wants to know why they’re there. She laughs and declares that she wants a divorce. Dror mutters venomously that they decided to try to restore their relationship. Ehud says he’s confused and then there’s a short silence. Again, he writes something down on the notepad and asks them to do some homework: Before the next session, they need to find an answer as to why they got married and why they came here today. What goal do they want to achieve with his help?
She thanks him and stands up to leave. Dror is there to take care of the bill. She doesn’t wait for him, in any case they arrived in two cars. What a farce this is. What is there left to fix? For there to be something to fix, you need a good foundation, a stable relationship hidden somewhere beneath the surface. And here there is nothing but a wasteland. But she gave her word, so she’ll give him another chance. Who knows, maybe Dror will surprise her. It’s not like she can exactly count on Koby.
***
It’s Saturday, and they’re celebrating Nadav’s ninth birthday. For a week now, she’s been running between stores, buying surprise packets, disposable tablecloths, snacks galore, even for the kids who are allergic to peanuts, and for the ones who are sensitive to gluten. She finds a tray for the cake that she likes, and matching candles too, of course. Nadav asked for a picture of a superhero from sugar paste icing. At first, they argued, she said it’s terribly unhealthy, all that food coloring, while secretly she wanted to do the cake dec
orations herself, to make an original homemade cake for him, but Nadav insisted and she gave in. She decided this year to split the huge party they usually give him into a few small parties. They’ll invite his classmates and friends separately, celebrate with Dror’s family at the next family dinner (she promised to bring a cake), and they’ll celebrate with her family the next time they visit them.
The thought of having her father and sister over with Dror’s family makes her shudder. In a matter of minutes, the burning subject would surely come up: Will Dror and Anat get divorced or will they manage to save their relationship? Who needs it.
She wakes up first. She happy to get out of bed. Ido is home, and for his sake, she’s prepared to sleep next to Dror for as long as necessary. She knows how much it means to Nadav for Ido to be there. They deliberately chose to have the party on a date they knew Ido would be home. It wouldn’t be a celebration without him.
***
At nine, they’re at the park. Dror carries two folding tables from the car, and she hauls bags-full of drinks and snacks to the designated area. Nadav and Neta are holding two bowls of dough that has already started to rise. Ido’s carrying the saj.
She hangs balloons on the trees and her thoughts begin to wander. She wonders when they’ll arrive. He promised to come early but you never know with him. As he says himself, he can’t really be trusted. But she keeps giving him the benefit of the doubt. Orly also promised to swing by, and Hagar, too. Lately Nadav has become friendly with her older son, Ofer. They met at soccer. Nadav asked explicitly to invite him as well, and Hagar promised they would try to come.
If they only had bicycles here, they could go for a ride.
Dror starts setting up the saj. Ido promised to help him with it. Neta and Noam have prepared a few games for the kids, hoping that together they’ll manage to control them. Two days ago, they shut themselves up in the bedroom and didn’t emerge for hours until everything was ready.
She would have to buy him something later, to say thank you. It’s so kind of him to help, he’s such a good, well-mannered boy. He’s certainly his father’s son.
When they finally arrive, she finds she can’t breathe. She runs to him like a little girl, with Nadav behind her. He hugs Shaked and she hugs him back. Noam doesn’t hug anyone. He’s carrying two balls and a hoop and he goes straight over to Neta, who’s waiting for him with a smile.
Dror’s arranging wood under the saj. Ido’s sitting on a stone devouring a packet of chips. In any other situation she would have had something to say about it, those are for the children! But Koby is there now and she’s not interested now in anyone but him.
At ten o’clock, the children begin to arrive. Some of the parents hang around. Great weather, congratulations and you’re welcome. When should we pick them up?
Orly arrives on her own. Her children are too big now for birthday parties, they’re not interested. Hagar arrives next. She’s so beautiful, sometimes she wants to strangle her. She’s wearing tight jeans and a short blue shirt that accentuates her cleavage. As always, she’s wearing makeup and perfume, looking like she’s just emerged from a fashion catalog.
“Hi, Ofer!” she says and bends down, “Welcome! Where’s Ilai-chick?” she asks Hagar and Hagar explains that he stayed home with his father. She didn’t know whether siblings were invited and she didn’t want to overstep.
“Nonsense,” she says, “you should have brought him!”
“Next year,” Hagar winks. Dror lights the fire and the saj quickly heats up.
She suggests to three girls who can’t decide what to do to make pita bread. They roll up their sleeves and start kneading the dough and stretching it by hand. She dusts the disposable cloth tablecloth with a little flour, so the dough won’t stick.
“Come girls, I’ll help you,” Koby offers gallantly and squeezes between the three giggling girls. Within seconds they’re the best of friends.
Neta and Noam start the activities and divide the children into two groups. Nadav sits at the head of one group, glowing with happiness.
She bought him a crown of silk flowers but his eyes flared as he made it perfectly clear that he’s not three years old anymore and the crown stayed home.
The three girls leave the dough and join one of the groups. Their hands are covered in flour and scraps of dough. They wipe them on their clothes without a second thought.
“Here are three pitas to bake,” Koby tells Dror, and Dror nods and gets to work.
Captivated, she watches the activities. When did Neta been so big and responsible?
Koby comes over and puts his arm around her shoulder. His other arm is around Hagar’s. If only he had a third, he would have surely wrapped it around Orly.
Nadav is over the moon, Ofer is fitting in well and Nadav’s friends are having a ball. What more does one need? She stands there, his arm around her, enjoying the morning sun on her face. She has her back to Dror, who seems to be busy still with the pitas on the saj. She’s not sure, but it doesn’t really matter. Let him occupy himself with something. Let him see her embraced by another man. She no longer cares about anything.
The smell of something burning fills the air. Dror has burned one of the pitas. Idiot. Even that, he can’t do.
***
She breaks off a chunk of multi-grain bread and stuffs it into her mouth. When she’s done chewing and swallowing, she quickly stuffs another in. She’ll do anything to avoid talking, and they haven’t even got to the hotel yet. What’ll happen in the evening? This is such a nightmare! Whose awful idea was this?
He sits across from her, stirring his coffee. He empties in three whole packets of sugar, then wonders why his blood sugar is so high. She spreads butter on the bread, taking her time. She should be watching her weight, she knows, maybe even forego the bread, but she’s feeling jittery, and when she’s jittery, she eats. She also eats when she has nothing to say to the man with whom she’s been sharing her life with for twenty years.
“Thank you,” she smiles at the server who brings her a chopped salad, without onion. Maybe that’ll save her from talking.
A young couple is sitting at the next table. His hand is resting on hers. They’re sharing a slice of cake. She can’t look at them. Were they like that when they were young? She knows they weren’t. They were in love for a while but it was a restrained kind of love, with almost no spark.
“I’m glad we took this vacation,” he says suddenly and looks at her.
She smiles and knows that it looks forced. She’s not at all happy that they took this vacation. The whole idea sounded stupid to her, but when the highly qualified Doctor Ehud Hirsch suggested it and explained that getting away together tends to bring people closer, she couldn’t refuse. She knew that the odds of anything changing were slim, but Dror had just about begged, and didn’t she promise to try?
Nadav is sleeping at a friend. Neta and Ido are alone at home, they’re old enough. She knows they’ve noticed that something’s wrong. True, they were used to their mother and father barely communicating, but it’s now way beyond that. Ido even took her aside after Nadav’s birthday party and said she was making a fool of herself. Boy was she mad at at that, she could barely control herself. He told her that she doesn’t have to wave Koby’s hugs in anyone’s face, and that it was plain embarrassing; that Dad could see everything; that she doesn’t have to be so obscene. She almost strangled him right there and then. How dare he speak to her like that? She’s his mother! We’re just good friends, she told him, and friends hug each other! Koby is already a part of this family. Ido disagreed but thankfully the conversation was interrupted in the middle. She wasn’t in the mood to be preached to by her son! When he heard that his parents were planning to spend a weekend together, he whispered to her that he hoped it would help, that it would improve something in their relationship. She didn’t respond. She doesn’t want him so involved. He’s s
till a child, and he doesn’t need that weight on his shoulders. Luckily, Nadav is still too young to want to get involved, and Neta, well she’s so self-absorbed and wrapped up in her own world, she has no interest in in her parents.
Over the weekend, Tzila promised to look in on them and bring Ido and Neta something hot to eat. She didn’t see the necessity, but of course Tzila insisted, pushing her nose into their business seconds before their home collapses and this relationship falls completely apart.
So Dror booked a hotel, perhaps for the first time ever, and now they’re sitting in a café in central Tel Aviv, trying to enjoy the vibrant city. She can’t stand Tel Aviv. It always puts her under pressure. The traffic jams, the crowds everywhere, the parking, the weirdos walking through the streets. Every time she comes here, she feels completely out of place.
After their late breakfast, they’ll visit a museum, they agreed, and from there to the hotel. Dror booked tickets for the opera this evening. She hates opera, she always has, but Dror loves it. So she’ll suffer in silence for two hours. Anything’s better than being alone with him in the room.
***
“It was a great performance,” Dror says when they get back to the hotel. It’s so dark, they can no longer see the sea. She looks out the window anyway and consoles herself with the knowledge that tomorrow morning it’ll reappear, blue and calm and inviting, and maybe it’ll soothe her again.
When she turns her head back, Dror is sitting on the bed waiting for her. His potbelly has expanded recently and is protruding from his undershirt.
What now? She’ll have to get into bed eventually. Does he have expectations? She thinks so. Is she capable of fulfilling them? She thinks not, but she could easily ruin the rest of the weekend if she says no. The drive home tomorrow morning would be horrendous Dror will be sullen, after spending so much money on this damn room, and all for nothing.
She sighs and pulls out a nightgown from her suitcase, then shuts herself in the bathroom.
Riding Lies Page 21