“Would you like to say them to her?” Ehud asks.
“I’m saying them to her!” Dror shouts, frustrated.
“You’re saying them to me,” Ehud smiles.
“It doesn’t matter anymore!” she stands up. Her knees are shaking. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Dror. I’m sorry, Ehud. I’m sorry I disappointed you both.” Tears are burning her eyes. She doesn’t want to cry. Not now. She grabs her purse and prepares to leave. “Thank you, Ehud, for your efforts,” she says, holding out her hand.
Ehud is a little taken aback but he shakes her hand.
She turns around and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.
When she gets into her car, she finally allows the tears to flow. What an awful session! She should have done it ages ago, she should have torn off that band-aid, not felt so sorry for the children. Everyone will be fine. Right now, she has to take care of herself. She knows that Koby is teaching today and has no time for her. She has no idea how she’ll survive the next few hours without him. She takes her mobile out of her purse and dials Racheli’s number. Maybe she’ll help her to calm down.
***
“As you can see, the living room is very bright,” says the realtor, pointing at the large rectangular window, “and there are two exposures.”
She walks through the rooms and examines the kitchen. It’s a little dated, but it’s no worse than their current home. There are three bedrooms and a living room. She can’t afford more than that. She has no idea how she’ll afford even this. Nadav and Ido will have to share a room, at least at first. Later on, she’ll see what she can do. She’ll take the smallest room for herself. Neta’s room is also on the small side. Never mind. The boys will share the big room, and maybe they can be creative and add some kind of partition. There’s no bath, only a shower stall, but that’s okay, too, the children are old enough. The neighborhood’s good, it’s not far from the school and it’s quiet. There’s even a bit of a view from some of the rooms. It’s not bad, all in all. She can live with it.
It’s too bad that Dror, with all his chutzpah, wouldn’t even consider leaving home. For once, can’t he do something for himself and look for an apartment for himself?
She returns to the living room and looks at the furniture. The thought of using another person’s furniture makes her shudder, but she can’t furnish the whole house right now, that’s for sure. She doesn’t have money, time or energy, so a semi-furnished apartment is probably the best solution for her.
“What happens if the washer breaks down, or the fridge?” she asks.
“That’s the owner’s responsibility,” the realtor explains.
“And if it has to be replaced?” she insists.
“We can add that to the lease if you want,” he suggests, “we can add that all the electrical appliances in the apartment are the responsibility of the landlord and that he will replace them if necessary.”
She nods and studies the stain on the living room sofa.
“Can I get rid of this sofa and buy a new one?” she asks, “I don’t think I can bear this one…”
The realtor laughs and says he’ll have to speak to the landlord.
She would have to buy beds. Three single beds and one double. Maybe she’ll get a good deal on four beds and carpets. She must have carpets, at least in the living room. It adds warmth and ambience to the home.
“How old is the plumbing?” she asks, although she has no idea what answer she expects.
The realtor says the plumbing is ten years old. She nods understandingly. She’s not sure if that’s good or bad, but at least she asked.
“is that central air conditioning?” she asks and looks up at the square vent above her head. The realtor nods and shows her the vents in all the rooms.
She has another look around the apartment. Yes, she can certainly imagine herself living here. For a moment she imagines Koby sitting on the new sofa she’ll buy, while Nadav and Shaked play next to him on the carpet. She smiles. Yes, it can definitely work.
“What do you say?” she asks and slips her arm through his. The realtor was kind enough to agree to wait for Koby to help her make up her mind.
“It’s a cool apartment,” he says, looking at the kitchen.
“I’ll be a little further away from you,” she says with a smile, “but we’ll get over the distance, right?”
He smiles back and checks the fridge. “It’s a bit on the old side,” he points out, “what happens if it breaks down?”
“I asked that,” she reassures him, “we’ll add a clause to the lease if necessary. It’ll be fine.”
She leads him to the bedroom, where there is only an old closet and scratches on the spotted tiles, probably from a bed’s legs.
“Well, can you imagine us here?” she asks, smiling, “What side do you sleep on?”
He smiles but doesn’t answer.
“I’ll let you choose, don’t worry,” she kisses his cheek and drags him to the children’s rooms. “It’ll be a bit cramped, but it’s not too bad, right?” she asks, looking at him like a little girl who needs approval.
“It’ll be all right,” he says, “give the big room to the boys.”
“Definitely,” she says and presses her arm a little further into his, “that’s exactly what I was thinking.”
When they leave the apartment, their arms around each other, he walks her to her car. The realtor promised an answer by tomorrow, so she still has time to think. What now? “Do you feel like having coffee?” she asks and he says he has to rush off. He has a private lesson starting real soon.
She tries not to show her disappointment. She really wanted to celebrate this significant step with him. Why did he arrange to give a private lesson, today of all days?
“Koby,” she musters the courage and asks him moments before they part, “Why don’t you move in with me? Don’t you think it’s a pity to pay double the rent? In any case we’re together most of the time…”
He kisses her forehead and says that she’s sweet.
“What does that mean?” she frowns.
“You know it’s not for me, Anati,” he says tenderly, “I promised you a shoulder to lean on, not to live with you.”
The arrow goes right through her heart. “It’s not a matter of promising…it’s only a suggestion. I’m being spontaneous. I know that you aren’t interested, but think about it. We get along so well…”
“I need my freedom,” he gently smooths her hair behind her ear, “I’m not looking for anything serious, Anat, we’ve discussed this more than once.”
“Fine,” she answers vaguely and purses her lips, “you can at least think about it.”
“There’s nothing to think about,” he says and kisses her softly on the lips. She knows he’s doing it only to silence her but she doesn’t care. His lips are warm and feel good, and she’s swept away in an instant. She parts her lips slightly, allowing his tongue in. She’s spinning, allowing him to control her, her head held between his two big hands.
Then he retreats. “I have to go,” he says, “tell the realtor yes. It’s a great apartment.”
***
Attorney Greenbaum handles the proceedings with impressive speed. There were hardly no differences of opinion. Dror insists on staying in the apartment, and since his parents gave it to them, she can’t really oppose.
They agree on joint custody of the children. Three days with her, two with him, and every other weekend. Other than that, there’s not much to divide between them. She keeps her car, and he keeps his. They already have separate bank accounts. He’ll pay child support once a month, and pay her half of what the apartment’s worth, too, of course.
Other than that, she asks for nothing. What would she ask for? The bed? The carpet in the living room? She doesn’t need anything and she also doesn’t want to change the home too much
, for the children’s sake. It’s easier than she expected.
By the time she leaves the attorney’s office, it’s midday, and the sun is high. She stands in the middle of the brick road and looks around her. She’s on her own. There’s nothing to hold her back.
She sits down on a bench, right there in the middle of the city, in the middle of the Friday bustle. People rush by carrying shopping bags full of groceries for their Sabbath dinner. She feels lonely, but she’s okay with that. She made a choice. Friday dinners will be different, with the children every other week, and on her own or with Koby the rest of the time.
She recalls the difficult discussion they had with the children, and the hairs on her arms stand up. Nadav cried. Neta cried. Ido was silent. He realized long ago which way the wind was blowing, at least that’s what he said, and anyway he’s an adult and is hardly ever home.
“I just want you to be happy, Mom,” he said and touched her shoulder. She’ll never forget that. It wasn’t the reaction for a child. Maybe he is all grown up. On the other hand, he’ll always be her little boy. She is supposed to take care of him, not the other way around.
Nadav said they were ruining his life and he’d never forgive them.
Dror answered him coldly that he was getting completely carried away, and that it only seems that way now. Time will do its job and he’ll get used to it. He also added that it’s very fashionable these days and he’s sure that at least a third of his classmates have divorced parents.
Neta said that she’s very disappointed, that she thinks it’s inconsiderate of them. They have to think about the kids, not only about themselves.
She forced herself not to answer. What an egocentric daughter she has! Where did she go wrong with her? Maybe Dror’s to blame. She hugged her and consoled her, telling her that everything will be alright, that they’ll all get used to the new situation, and that in the end, everyone will be better off. Ido asked if it has anything to do with Koby. She swallowed and said no. Dror laughed viciously.
“Dad and I have grown apart,” she said, following the advice she’d read in a book, and then turned to Nadav, “but that has nothing to do with our love for you lot, which will never change.”
Neta rolled her eyes and said she’s not five years old.
She looked at her with slight disdain. Yes, she’s not five years old, but she has a younger brother, and she needs to take him into consideration too.
Nadav wanted to know where she’s moving to and she told him about the sweet apartment she rented not far away, in a side street. It has a little bit of a view, and good exposures, and it’s even close to his elementary school. Neta would have to take a bus, but she’s used to it. Nadav asked if he could buy himself some new things for his room. She smiled and stroked his head. Sure he can. But, she added hesitantly, he’ll have to share a room with Ido. There aren’t enough rooms for them all. Nadav’s jaw dropped in disappointment. Neta’s eyes grew wide. “You’ll have your own room,” she placated her immediately.
“That’s not fair!” Nadav cried.
She clasped her head. Sometimes they could be so annoying! “We’ll get along just fine,” she said coolly, “and as it is Ido is hardly ever home during the week, so you’ll have the room to yourself most of the time.”
“Thank you so much, really….” Ido mumbled, “you could just kick me out and be done with me…”
“Nobody’s kicking you out!” she said, trying to calm matters down before they got out of hand. “I hope to rent a larger apartment later. This is the first rung on the ladder. Please, try to be patient.”
And then she told them how much she loves them and how much Dror loves them and added again that this is something that will never change. She repeated herself at least twice, to bolster them. She knows that the ground is slipping from under their feet.
The sun is getting too strong and she’s forced off the bench. Where will she go? She took the day off from preschool for the mediation session. Her children are already on vacation but Neta and Nadav both have plans for the entire day. Maybe she’ll do some shopping at the Mahane Yehuda Market, or she could go straight to her new apartment. They’ve finished painting, all she has to do is clean it properly and start furnishing it. She feels like she’s been given a new dollhouse, all of her own. She really wanted one as a child, and now she’s finally made her wish come true. She has a girl doll—Neta, and a boy doll—Nadav; another boy doll—Ido, and a mother doll—Anat…then there’s the daddy doll—Koby.
She scrubs the paint splatters off the floor, washes the windows, not forgetting to clean the dust out of the rails. Then she sprays the shower stall and toilet with generous doses of bleach and limescale remover and waits. She does the ceramic tiles too, and the faucets. The sharp odors are hard to get rid of, even with all the windows open. She scrubs the insides of all the cabinets and closets, in the kitchen too. She sprays grease remover in the oven, and finally, she takes the shelves out of the fridge and washes them with warm water and dish soap. Oh, and the counter, too. She sprays the doors with a cleaning agent and wipes them down. She even cleans the spy hole in the entrance door, where dust has collected.
Hours later, she collapses on the disgusting sofa the landlord promised to take away this week, and she finally feels clean.
***
Nadav asked for a green bed but she told him that there is no such thing. In the end, they settled on green bedding.
She walks around with a large shopping cart and loads it with all the essential items. Koby is with her, as are Nadav and Shaked. Everyone volunteered for the exciting task, although coordinating it wasn’t easy. Koby chose this week to be busy almost all of the time. Eventually he told her that he could make himself available on Thursday afternoon and they could go shopping together. At five-thirty. She hopes they’ll get everything done before the stores close.
“What about a ladle?” Koby asks, waving a black ladle with a purple handle.
“Put it in the cart,” she says and adds a checkmark to her list.
“Mom, do we need a salt shaker?” Nadav points at a fancy glass salt shaker.
“No, I don’t think so, sweetie,” she says, “we can add salt straight from the container…”
“Oh,” Nadav looks disappointed, so she quickly sends him off to find a kitchen spoon and his eyes light up again.
“Preferably with a purple handle, like the ladle,” she shouts after him, “so we can make a set!”
Meanwhile, she looks at bedding. She’ll get something light for Neta, two green sets for Ido and Nadav, and a floral set for herself, and a bedspread, oh, and she needs pillows too. She’s not sure this is the best place to buy but at least it’s cheap.
Nadav and Shaked trot back. “I also brought this, for cakes!” Nadav says merrily, “also in purple!”
“It’s a spatula,” she corrects him with a smile, “or a dough scraper, whichever term you prefer.”
Nadav nods and adds his new purchases to the cart.
“What else should we get?” Shaked asks. She’s also enjoying this shopping game.
“Uhm…” she hesitates and checks the list. Something easy…and not breakable… “Look for a double pique blanket,” she requests, “Nadav, choose a single blanket that you like for yourself, okay?”
“Yay!” they cheer and hop away.
“Wait!” she shouts after them, “It’s here! In the linen area!”
They come back giggling.
By eight o’clock, they’ve filled two carts with a load of stuff. Koby is pushing one and she is pushing the other. The queues at the tellers are desperately long and the children are utterly exhausted and hungry. Koby suggests buying them hotdogs for now, they sell them at the entrance. She says that’s a wonderful idea, and naturally she’s buying. She pulls a bill out of her wallet and the three of them are quickly swallowed up by the crowd. She hopes they
’ll be back in time to help her move the two carts along, and then she looks at the three people in line before her. Yes, she sighs to herself, it’ll be fine.
***
“Finally!” she says and opens the door wide. Koby walks in and looks at her new, beautifully decorated home.
“How long haven’t we seen each other?” she asks and then answers, “More than two weeks! You’ve suddenly become too busy for me…”
He gives a small smile and doesn’t answer. “You’ve done it up beautifully!” he says, immediately changing the subject, “It’s a real home!”
“Right?” she tries to squeeze another compliment out of him, “I’m really pleased!”
“Have you assembled all the beds?” he asks and goes into the children’s rooms, “I told you I’d do it…”
“Yes, well,” she says with a crooked smile, “you haven’t been available for a while and the children have to sleep on something, you know…”
“Then who helped you?” he wants to know.
“Hagar and her husband Amnon were here on Friday, and they were a big help,” she tells him, “and Orly also came by and gave me a hand, and on Saturday my sister Racheli came with her family…”
“Well then, I’m glad you managed without me,” he rests his hand on her shoulder, “you see that you can manage fine on your own? Look what an amazing process you’ve been through! What a long way you’ve come since we met…”
“The bedroom is ready,” she ignores the condescending statement and smiles cheekily, “if you feel like christening it…” she holds her hand out to him and tries to pull him into the room, knowing how easy it should be. But to her surprise, Koby remains rooted to the spot. “What’s the matter?” she asks, “Don’t tell me you aren’t in the mood…”
He smiles, and something in his smile is different.
“Koby,” she says somberly.
“Let’s make coffee and sit down. We need to talk,” he says.
Riding Lies Page 23