“I never thought I would have a grandchild,” she said through her tears. Tom and Sandra looked at each other, worried.
“Mom, we aren’t even sure we are going to be able to keep her. Just because Steve took off doesn’t mean he isn’t going to come back in a month to claim her.”
His mother looked at him like he was insane. “You’re a policeman! Don’t let him do that,” she exclaimed.
Emma spoke right up. “Tommy, Mom’s right. You guys need to get an attorney right away.” She looked over at Sandra. “Who’s the next of kin?”
“Would it be Nelda or Pam? Grandmother or aunt?” Sandra shrugged her shoulders. She just didn’t know.
“I think the grandmother is the next of kin,” Faith said. “I’m going to do some research tomorrow when I get to work.” Faith worked for a city-owned social service agency that housed the poor; someone there would know about abandoned children.
Suddenly, Sandra put her hands up to her face. “Oh, my God! What am I going to do about work Monday if Steve doesn’t return? I just thought of it,” she said, looking around the table. “I must be crazy. I completely forgot about work.”
Without missing a beat, Virginia spoke. “If you’ll let me, I’d love to babysit,” she offered.
Emma nodded her head and reminded them that she worked the afternoon shift. “I’m home during the morning, so I can help her,” she said. “We have to get a crib and high chair, though. Where do you get those things anymore?”
“Well, that settles that,” Tom said. “I’ll go right now up to Toys Galore. ‘We have everything you need for a baby!’” he quoted. The family laughed. “Mom, do you want to watch her now? Come on, ladies, let’s go before they close.” Sandra went over what little routine she’d made up for Miranda, showing Virginia where bottles were made and diapers were kept.
“We won’t be gone that long,” she said. Tom nudged her, nodding toward his sister and mother as they fussed over the baby.
“Sisters, if you’re coming with us, get the lead out,” Tom said. Sandra got her purse and then went to Virginia and embraced her while she was holding the baby.
“Thank you so much, Mrs. Adams. You have no idea how much your offer means to me.” Virginia hugged her back and kissed her cheek.
“Come on!” Tom admonished. They left the apartment as a group, the women babbling, while Virginia stood holding the baby and waving from the window.
The beach house was occupied by two people who planned to play house all weekend. Pam left her routine at the door along with her modesty. She never worried for a second how she looked or if she’d regret what she was doing.
Friday night, they didn’t get back to Pam’s house from dropping baby things off at Sandra’s house until after midnight. Pam slipped her shoes off in the hallway and kicked them aside.
“I’m starving and thirsty. What about you?” she asked Dan.
He was clearly in awe of the house, standing at the window looking at the water as moonlight reflected on the waves. “You should’ve said something,” he replied. “I could’ve stopped on the way back here.” She opened the refrigerator and got out a bottle of wine.
“Can you open this?” she asked, handing him a corkscrew. “I can throw something together for us.” She took cheese, cold cuts, and a veggie tray out and put together a nice spread for a midnight snack. Dan had taken off his jacket, and Pam tried to keep from staring at his muscular body, obvious through the thin fabric of his linen shirt. As they prepared their drinks and snacks, the chemical attraction distracted both of them. Finally, Pam put her knife down and starting laughing.
“Do you think you can go stand over there for a minute?” she asked. Dan laughed with her and put the bottle of wine down on the counter. He grabbed her upper arms, feeling the muscles through her skin, looking into her eyes.
“Do you think that will help?” he asked. “Because I don’t think it will help me at all.” She reached her arms up around his neck, and they started kissing each other. In a minute, they stopped, holding each other for a bit.
Pam couldn’t help herself and became a little tearful. “Oh, boy, this is a fine way to act,” she said. He patted her back, comforting her. “Me, too, if it’s any consolation.”
Pam looked into his eyes. She was suddenly frightened to see that he was serious about her, and his passion for her matched what she felt for him, something she never thought she’d feel for anyone again. Not after Jack.
“Let’s get something to eat, OK? We have to get some sleep tonight since tomorrow I have to rearrange my mother’s life, and that of my dead sister’s baby.” Taken aback by her sarcasm, Dan didn’t respond to it, obvious that she’d reached her limit of caretaking others. That she was free to share her deepest feelings with him thrilled him. He had a feeling transparency was rare for Pam. They took their food and wine into the den. Pam left all but the lowest recessed lights off so their eyes would stay used to the dark. They were able to see out the window and watch the wild waves. She pointed to a ship far out at sea, its lights barely visible in the distance. And then for some odd reason, she started to reminisce about her father, about how hard he’d worked all of his life. As his oldest daughter, she had worried about him constantly. Although she meant no malice toward her mother, recently having accepted that her own parenting wasn’t much better, Pam confessed that she covered for her mother back in her youth so that her father wouldn’t worry. She was her mother’s helper, housekeeper, and shopper. Nelda gave in to alcoholism after her last daughter was born, but either Frank Fabian didn’t recognize it or he was in denial.
As an adult, Pam knew all about denial. Dan asked questions that kept her talking, sensing that she was telling stories that she’d never revealed before. A poignant memory was of waking up in the middle of the night when she was eleven to the sound of her father sobbing. She had opened her eyes, knowing the sound was not meant for her to hear. She quietly got out of her bed and tiptoed to the door of her room, careful not to wake her sisters. When she reached her parents’ room, the smell of vomit reached her nose. She saw her mother lying on the bed in her housedress and heels, her arm thrown across her face. Frank was sitting on the edge of the bed. Pam could feel hopelessness radiating from him. As she turned to go back to her bedroom, defeated because there was nothing she could do to help him, her grandmother, Genoa Fabian, placed a firm hand across her mouth and pulled her into the stairwell that led up to her apartment on the third floor.
“If you sneak around at night, my dear granddaughter, you are going to see things you shouldn’t see. You know that, correct?” She was sitting on the steps and had Pam standing in front of her. She smoothed Pam’s hair back and flicked an errant tear away.
“I could hear Daddy crying,” Pam explained.
Genoa pursed her lips. “He feels sad that he can’t help your mother. She drank too much tonight and is sick, and your daddy wants to fix her. Do you understand what alcoholism is?” she asked. Pam shook her head. “Alcoholics drink because they need the feeling it gives them. They are powerless to control it. So, for some reason, your mother needs the alcohol.” She looked into Pam’s eyes, knowing it was a lame explanation—the child had just seen her mother covered in her own vomit.
“It’s not your fault, dear. If you understand that one fact, it will be much easier for you. Unfortunately, people get labeled in this town, so that’s why it’s such a big, dark secret. Truthfully, probably more of the mothers drink too much than we know.” She stood up and carefully opened the door, peeking out to make sure the coast was clear. She bent down to whisper in Pam’s ear.
“Tomorrow, give your mom a little extra love, OK?” Pam nodded her head, and Genoa pushed her out into the hall. “Go right back to your room.” Pam hurried along the corridor and went back into her room, closing the door carefully. She made it her duty to shield her sisters from the knowledge that Nelda was a drunk, to protect her father when she was able, and to give her mother “extra love.” It
would precipitate a lifetime of enabling.
Pam drank the last of her wine. She didn’t mean to have monopolized the conversation.
“Now you know more about me than my husband did, and we were married for over thirty years.” She laughed, adding, “That’s another story for another time.”
Dan put his glass down and pulled her over to him. “You are tough,” he said. “I’ll bet that’s not an adjective many people use to describe you.” She shook her head.
“I’m thought of by my husband’s family as a wimp. My own mother admonished me for not standing up for what was rightfully mine, yet it was largely due to her treatment of me that I was so submissive. And then I hurt my children. I was reminded quickly not to point fingers,” she said. “So now that you know the story of my life, do you want to get a word in?”
They were squeezed together in the leather chair by the window. “My life is an open book,” Dan said. “My parents were older when I was born, so my siblings had a hand in raising me. They protected me and praised me. I guess I don’t have any complaints. But listening to you, I think you were the same kind of parent. I don’t believe that you didn’t worship your kids.”
“Don’t get me wrong. Both Jack and I adored our children. But he was screwing my sister in the next room over from theirs and evidently, the kids knew it all along. I had to be aware that something was amiss, yet I chose to turn my back. The damage it did to my children—well, only time will tell.” She turned to the side to look at his face, putting her hand up to his cheek. “You have the goods on me now. I have been so secretive about all of this garbage. I mean, who wants to listen to it?”
“I do,” Dan said. “If there is one thing that bothers me about us, it’s that we don’t have any history. I wish I’d gone to high school with you. Taken you to your prom. Had kids with you.”
She tried not to smile. He’s a romantic, she thought.
“So if I can’t have those things, I can at least inform myself about your life prior to me. I have to make it my business to know everything there is about you, inside and out.” He stuck his tongue out at her and rolled his eyeballs around, teasing her. She smacked his arm.
“Gross,” she said, laughing. But she pressed her body up against his as they held each other. “It’s almost one, and I have to get some sleep. Do you want to spend the night? I have five empty bedrooms, so take your pick. Three down and two up.”
“Down here is great,” he said. They got up and stretched, and she grabbed his hand as she led him back to Marie’s old room and said goodnight. Over time, she’d removed any belongings of Marie’s and returned it to a sterile, neutral bedroom. Marie wasn’t there any longer, but if she were, Pam knew she’d love hanging around Dan. She kept these thoughts to herself.
She got into the shower, and as she let the water run over her body, she thought about Dan in a room on the other side of the house. Jack came into her thoughts. She imagined him sitting on their bed in his suit, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom. But he’d be angry, jealous that she was with another man. He didn’t even like to think of her talking with men and didn’t allow her to speak of her encounters with the handyman or the accountant, the gardener or the postman.
“Stop torturing me,” he’d say.
She’d laugh at him. “Jack, you should know what’s going on with the household..”
“Yeah, well, I don’t want to hear about anything another man has to say to my wife.” She got into bed, and the fantasy continued. Jack would wait until he could see Pam with Dan for himself. He’d be crushed watching them embrace, acknowledging that Dan was young, handsome, and dynamic. Pam fell asleep with the image of her late husband walking away from his former home, his wife in the arms of another man.
The next morning, she woke up just as the sun was strong enough to peek over the drapes. She was confused at first, not sure of the day. Then, smiling, she remembered it was Saturday morning and that Dan was in the children’s wing. Forgotten were the dreams about unrequited love that left tears stains on her cheeks. She rolled onto her back and stretched her arms above her head. The clock said seven. And then she remembered she needed to get Nelda transferred to The Eagle’s Nest and to try to find out where that damn Steve was. She expected Sandra to call her any second, complaining that the baby had cried all night or that she needed to get ready for the next week and it didn’t include hauling a baby around. Pam dreaded that she might be forced to take the child. What kind of life would Miranda have, living with a reluctant aunt? It was what nightmares were made of. You’re getting ahead of yourself, she thought. Steve probably came back late and has Miranda with him, back in the Village. Wishful thinking.
Pam rushed through her morning routine. Dan was sitting on the veranda, drinking coffee. He’d taken over the kitchen and found what he needed to make a pot of coffee. Pam was grateful and poured a cup for herself. She had no desire to take care of Dan as she had Jack and even Dave. Yet she felt a stronger kinship to him, for lack of a better word. It was as though they were already good friends.
“Good morning,” she said as she walked through the sliding glass door. She bent down to kiss his cheek and sat down next to him. She blew on the cup of coffee he poured for her and took a sip. “This is really good. It’s been a long, long time since anyone made coffee for me in the morning.”
“It’s so nice out here,” Dan said.
“What time did you get up?” Pam asked. He’d gotten up at six and walked the beach, got a shower, and made coffee. She looked at what he had on: his undershirt and suit pants. “Do you want to look through my son’s closet? There’s probably a pair of shorts you can put on.” He shook his head.
“In a bit I’m going to run home, pack a bag, and head back. Is that OK with you? I mean, I’m not pushing things, am I?” He reached his arm around her while he sipped his coffee. She had to admit that his eagerness to be with her gave her a thrill. She didn’t feel like she normally would, needing to be alone, being fearful of suffocating from all the attention.
“No, come back. I have to get my mother in that nursing home today. The thought of having to spend one second doing something I don’t want to do is really making me angry. Can you believe how selfish I am? A year ago, I lived for this sort of crap.”
“You aren’t selfish,” Dan told her. “Your mother doesn’t understand how lucky she is.” He stood up and pulled her up to her feet. “Walk me to the door.” They said good-bye, and he promised he’d be back in an hour. Pam locked the door behind him and went back to the veranda to get her coffee cup. She dreaded making the calls, but the sooner she did so, the sooner it would be finished.
The registration office at the nursing home was closed for the weekend, but they had someone who could do emergency admissions. Since Bernice’s unfortunate escape, the staff was more than willing to help out with Nelda. As soon as she was discharged, an ambulance would transfer Nelda to The Eagle’s Nest, where she would share a suite with Bernice Smith. Pam chuckled to herself, remembering a scene not so long ago when the news that Nelda Fabian would be encroaching on Smith territory made Bernice have a childish temper tantrum. Now, the nurses said she was thrilled that Nelda was joining her. Hopefully, the elders would finally be situated comfortably, and Pam wouldn’t have to worry about them. She returned the phone to the charger when the doorbell rang. Pam frowned; it was too soon for Dan to be back. The buzzer went off again; whoever was there was getting impatient.
“Just a minute!” Pam called out, annoyed. Unlocking the door, she swung it open. “Lisa!”
Chapter 26
Carolyn got home in time to prepare for the boys. While she was on the train headed for home, the allure of having Steve interested in her had waned considerably. The last thing on Earth she wanted was to care for a toddler. Although she’d hoped to spend the weekend with him, it looked like that plan was not going to happen. She went into her bathroom to freshen up before Frank got there. Lately, he’d taken to coming in the hou
se and having a cup of coffee or glass of wine with Carolyn. Sometimes her parents joined them, and the conversation always got around to Frank coming to his senses and returning home. Carolyn laughed it off, but she could see that Frank was thinking about it. She wondered what was going on with June. The last time she dropped the boys off on a Sunday evening, June was so solicitous, Carolyn was suspicious that she was about to ask for a favor. She’d concluded that June was a nice woman who’d listened to the lies of a married man. Maybe they were having second thoughts about their “undying love” for each other. One more glance in the mirror determined that she looked pretty good. Eat your heart out, Frank.
While Carolyn fantasized about reuniting with her ex-husband, Steve Marks was speeding down the New Jersey Turnpike toward the Delaware border. His sister lived in Fenwick Island and would put him up until he found a job. She owed him big time. Now it was her turn to take care of him. She’d been in and out of rehab, and he was always there, rooting for her. He spent the money to buy her a nice little trailer a few blocks from the beach. She worked at a hotel in Ocean City as a housekeeper and had a bar stool with her name on it in the lounge. She couldn’t wait to see Steve. Abandoning Miranda to the care of Sandra had a profound effect on him; he was absolutely joyful! He had the radio on full blast and the windows down and felt like he was twenty-five. In Salem, he stopped for gas. As he stood at the side of his car, fueling up, he caught a glimpse of himself in the window and was quickly brought back down to Earth. He was an aging alcoholic who’d worked all his life and didn’t have one single thing to show for it. He didn’t even have any pension savings; he had cashed in years ago when he’d had a DUI and the attorney turned around to sue him for non-payment of his bill. The best thing in the world was to have someone else raise his kid. It didn’t occur to him that he could’ve relinquished his parental rights and chosen who was going to have her. It was simply easier to run away.
Family Dynamics: Pam of Babylon Book #5 Page 16