by Lexi Blake
“You were wrong.”
“I know.”
“No. You don’t understand. You thought her love could save you, but I’m going to tell you a secret I’ve discovered. Your love is the only love that can save you. Your love is powerful and worthy and more important than being loved in return. You already saved yourself. You do it every day when you wake up and make the decision to be a partner and a friend and yes, you saved yourself when you decided to love her. Don’t take that lightly and don’t regret it. It’s never, ever a mistake to love someone.”
“It is when it hurts her.” Kai’s words meant something to him. They really did. When he thought about it, he couldn’t control whether Phoebe loved him back. He could only love her or try to force himself not to love her.
The truth was, he liked loving her. It made him feel alive. He’d never felt anything like it before in his life, and he didn’t want to kill it. Throwing up that wall between them had felt wrong. It had been mean and he’d done it because he was trying to protect himself, trying not to ache. It hadn’t worked except to make him feel worse.
“It doesn’t hurt her,” a new voice said.
He looked up and wished the damn conference door had a lock on it. Was everyone going to walk in on his personal conversations today? Tennessee Smith strode in with a big bag from Sean’s restaurant. Big Tag followed behind him.
Ten set the bag down. “Someone needs to break through her walls and I can’t do it. I know what happened between the two of you last night, and I’m going to do something I swore I’d never do. I’m going to ask you for a favor, Murdoch.”
“What’s that?” Jesse asked, wary.
“Don’t give up on her.” Ten sounded more serious than Jesse had ever heard him before. Ten was always laid back, easy going, as if nothing really mattered. He was the quintessential good-time guy, which was a mask, of course. A man couldn’t do what Ten did and be easy going. He played a role like many of them did, but now he looked like a concerned brother. “She needs you. Phoebe had a rough childhood, and she’s got it in her head that her husband was her only shot at being happy.”
“She has abandonment issues,” Kai explained.
“Jamie didn’t abandon her. He died,” Ten shot back.
“It’s all the same in her head. She’s not thinking straight. She’s falling back on old thought patterns because in some ways they’re familiar and comforting, even if they keep her from what she wants. We tend to regress to our natural neuroses in times of crisis.” Kai pulled out a chair for Tag. “Like this one here has a god complex.”
“It’s not a complex if I really am the most powerful person in the universe. Then it’s simply a fact. And if you psychoanalyze me, Ferguson, I will murder you in your sleep.” Tag started unpacking boxes.
“He’s also got anger issues,” Kai said with a sigh. “But I’m right about the abandonment. It doesn’t matter that Jamie didn’t want to die. It only matters that he’s gone. She expects the people she loves to leave her. It’s easier to hold on to the past than to try for an uncertain future.”
“So what do I do?” If there was a shot with her, he would take it. Maybe he was too stubborn to get the picture the world constantly tried to paint for him. Maybe he should listen to the voices that told him everything would go to shit. Or maybe he should give in to his true nature and not give up. Maybe he was alive today because he hadn’t given up, and if he tried harder, he could have the future he wanted.
“Do you love her?” Tag asked.
He did, but really admitting it meant opening himself up. It would be so much easier to say no and move on, but Kai was right. If he was going to get past all this shit, he had to do the one thing he’d never done before—he had to give a shit about himself. He loved Phoebe Grant. It was meaningful. His love was worth something. “Yeah. I love her.”
“Do you think you’re good for her?” Tag asked.
“I think he’s good for her,” Ten replied. “She smiles around him. She’s passionate about him. When she says his name, she lights up and god, she’s been dim for so long. It’s good to see her smile again.”
Ten’s words went straight to his gut. If he could make her smile, make her happy, then shouldn’t he fight for the right to do so? Even if it meant fighting her? “Yeah, I’m good for her.”
Tag nodded as though agreeing. “Then man up and top her. She needs it. She’s in a corner and she doesn’t know how to get out.”
“I don’t know that I like the idea of her being involved in all that letter stuff,” Ten said, eyeing Jesse warily.
But she needed that letter stuff. It was only when he stopped topping her the night before that everything had gone to hell. He shouldn’t have slunk away. He should have been her Dom. BDSM could be anything they needed it to be. There was only one thing that was true for every couple who practiced. They had to communicate, to be honest. Yes, he hadn’t done that with her.
Jesse took a deep breath. It was right there—the need to punish himself for a mistake, to count himself as something less. Maybe he and Phoebe would have to learn together.
It was time for him to stand up, to be the man she needed, and that wasn’t a man who let a few mistakes come between them. It was time to be her man, her Dom, and that meant changing. It meant accepting himself.
It meant forgiving himself for something that hadn’t fucking been his fault in the first place.
It struck him forcibly. It hadn’t been his fault. He hadn’t set the IED or made the choice to be selected as the Caliph’s whipping boy. He hadn’t killed his friends. He’d survived and that wasn’t something to be ashamed of. He’d survived and he could have a life if he was brave enough to take it.
Jesse stood up. If they were going to have a shot, one of them had to let go of the past, and it looked like it was going to have to be him. He turned to Ten Smith. “This is between me and your sister. I’ll take care of her. I’ll love her and I’ll make sure she’s safe. I’m going to try my damnedest to make her happy, but I’m going to do it my way. It’s her way, too. She just doesn’t know it yet. So you are welcome in our lives, but you will stay out of our relationship.”
Ten stared at him for a minute and the room was utterly silent. Out of the corner of his eye, Jesse could see Tag grinning.
Finally Ten nodded. “All right, then. But you should know we’ll have a problem if you don’t treat her right. If you’re going to be my brother, you better get used to how I handle things.”
“I know. You’ll bring an elite team into my house and I’ll kick their ass again.” An arrogance he’d never felt before bubbled up inside him. It felt good. He knew whatever happened, he could handle it. He had Tag and Si and the rest of his cobbled together family, and if he worked hard, he could have Phoebe, too. “Ten, I promise. I’ll take care of her.”
Ten held out a hand. “Jamie would have liked you, Murdoch.”
That was probably the best compliment Ten could have given him. He shook Ten’s hand. “I probably would have liked him, too.”
A little cloud passed over Ten’s face. “She’s got a story she needs to tell you. She thinks you’ll leave her when you hear it.”
What the hell could Phoebe say that would make him turn away from her? He went through some scenarios and couldn’t think of one where he would leave her. He’d already lived through her lying to him. Everything else was easy. “I won’t.”
Ten nodded. “I know and that’s why I’m giving you my blessing. She isn’t thinking straight. She’s using what she needs to tell you as a way to hold you back. So she doesn’t have to take the scary step of actually being with you. I hope when she tells you that you’ll forgive me for the last couple of years. I was wrong about you.”
Jesse had learned a long time ago that holding grudges didn’t help. It was funny that he’d always counted himself as weak for not being able to stay angry, for offering forgiveness so quickly. But he’d seen real evil. There was no forgiveness for that. Everyt
hing else was negotiable. “You’re forgiven.”
“Just like that?” Ten asked.
“Why not? I’ve got better things to do than hate you, man. I would rather love her.” He’d wasted enough time brooding.
“Then go get her.” Ten slapped him on the shoulder.
“I agree with Ten,” Taggart said right before his left fist came out and he punched Ten right in the nose.
“Damn it. I just fixed my nose, asshole.” Ten put a hand to his face. He grabbed a napkin to wipe up the blood.
Tag smiled and went back to unpacking the food. “This is really the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Well, besides the whole wife-coming-back-from-the-dead and having a baby and shit, but other than that, getting to punch Ten at random is really the best.”
“See, anger issues,” Kai said with a nod. “Hey, is that lemon?”
“Touch that tart and my anger issues will get shoved right up your ass, Ferguson.”
They were still arguing as he left the conference room. Jesse walked out with a smile on his face. It was time to get his girl.
* * * *
Phoebe stood on the rooftop. She probably shouldn’t be up here, but she needed fresh air. She took a deep breath and leaned on the wall that surrounded the roof. Someone obviously spent time up here. There were a couple of lounge chairs and a wrought iron table with four seats around it. A long bench was covered in shiny, healthy looking green plants.
At least now she knew why the shrink’s assistant came up here every day.
She liked Dallas. She hadn’t at first, but then it always took her a while to see the beauty in things. Unlike Jamie. Jamie had a never-ending zest for life. The first time they’d gone to Tokyo together she’d been put off by the lights, the foreignness of it all, but Jamie had been utterly fascinated. After a while, she’d learned to see life through his eyes.
Jamie tried to make even the worst events into something fun. God, when she really thought about it, he was so much like Jesse it hurt. Jesse tried to see the good in everything.
Like the night she and Jesse had gone to some fancy place where they’d been given a tiny plate of food that wouldn’t have fed a bird. Most people would have been angry or embarrassed, but he’d laughed and taken her hand. He’d run to the nearest food truck, and they’d sat in their nice clothes in a park and eaten hot dogs and turned something bad into a great memory.
He wouldn’t be able to do that with the night before.
She shouldn’t have tried. Actually, he’d kind of tricked her. He’d done all that alpha male Dom stuff and she’d been confused. That was it. Most of the time Jesse was sweet and he allowed her to run things. He was devastating when he was sweet, but she could hold him off. When he was sweet and alpha male, it was a combination guaranteed to ruin her common sense.
Once she was back in Virginia, she would find her footing again. Ten was bluffing about quitting the Agency. It was his life in a way it never had been hers or Jamie’s. She couldn’t imagine a world where Ten didn’t follow in their dad’s footsteps. Hell, he’d been given full reign over his own team, running and directing some of the most top secret missions the US conducted. He would never leave that.
She glanced down at the parking lot below. She caught sight of Tag’s massive SUV and a Jeep she didn’t recognize. It was kind of beat up, but it was clean. It must be the shrink’s. She’d been told to expect him to join their little band of merry guessers. That’s what they were doing at this point. They were guessing and they were gambling with Jesse’s life. She couldn’t stand it. She wanted facts. She wanted to know exactly where to point and who to shoot at.
Across the street, she saw a truck parked at an angle that would make surveillance easy. She wondered who was on duty and if they were bored out of their minds. Most likely they were calling to tell on her, and someone would be up here to drag her back into the building any minute.
She watched as a van drove slowly by. What would it be like to be normal and happy and able to drive down the damn street without worrying about someone sniping the man you…liked…cared about…? She played around with the words in her head, careful to avoid the one word she couldn’t use with him.
She heard the door creak open and turned around.
Jesse stepped out into the sunlight. He was wearing jeans and a black T-shirt that showed off how lean and cut he was. God, he was delicious. His golden hair caught the light and he smiled her way, making her forget about the sun. She was lucky she didn’t drool. “Hey, your brother will murder me if you get killed up here.”
She turned back to the street, unable to watch him anymore. It hurt too much. “My brother hasn’t been trapped inside for a week.”
She heard him walking up behind her. “It hasn’t been so bad.”
Yep, Jesse was already trying to rewrite history, to take something horrible and make it better. She just couldn’t do it. “You’re kidding, right? Tell me you’re not going insane.”
“Nah. I kind of like the company.”
She had to force herself to breathe when she felt his hands on her waist and he stepped forward, pressing her lightly against the wall. “Jesse? What are you doing?”
He didn’t miss a beat. “A couple of things. First of all, I need to apologize. I lied to you. You pissed me off and I was mean and such a liar. Last night was the best sex of my life, and it was the best because it was with you. I loved fucking you, baby. I loved playing with you. I loved being inside you.”
God, this was so much worse. Every word that came out of his mouth seemed to race along her skin, like he could physically touch her with his words. “Jesse, please don’t.”
“Don’t what? Don’t tell you the truth?” The words were whispered against her ear, his heat warming her up. “Don’t tell you how good you felt?”
“Yes, don’t say those things.” She couldn’t say them back, even though she meant them. She couldn’t tell him she’d never come so hard in her life, that only he had ever made her scream and beg for more.
“All right. I won’t say those things. How about I apologize for not doing what I should have done last night. It was my fault. I was an idiot and I can promise you that it won’t happen again.”
Now he was saying the right things, but his hands were moving up on her body. Those big, callused, gorgeous hands slowly inched up toward her breasts, and she could feel him behind her. “Jesse, what are you doing?”
“I’m apologizing. I made a mistake. I should never have walked out on you.”
Alarm bells started going off in her head, but she was too focused on his hands to properly think about them. “Walked out? You didn’t walk out on me. I needed to be alone.”
“No. You needed me and I let my own insecurities drive me away. It won’t happen again. Phoebe, you should know that if you put a door between us, I’ll get it open one way or another. I’ll break it down if I have to, but I won’t ever leave you alone to cry again. If you’re going to cry, you’re going to do it with my arms around you. Do you understand?”
No. She didn’t understand a damn thing about what was happening. She’d pushed him away. Why was he back here and offering her everything she couldn’t have? “You have to let me go.”
“You don’t get to tell me what to do.” His hand was dangerously close to her breast.
“That’s only when we’re playing.” And they weren’t supposed to do that anymore.
“No, that’s only when we’re intimate. Those were the old rules, and those rules got tossed out the minute you locked a door to keep me out. Here are the new rules. I’m in charge.”
He was so arrogant. Why did that do something for her? “You can’t just decide you’re in charge.”
He chuckled, the sound rumbling against her skin. “Sure I can. Now, I am going to give you choices. I’m not completely unfair. You can walk downstairs with me and we can have a nice lunch with your brother and discuss the op, but there’s a twist to that. Or you can walk down to our bed
and take off your clothes, and I’ll make a meal of you.”
The minute he used that dark voice on her, her whole body softened. She didn’t even want to think about her traitorous vagina, which was all for door number two. Hell, her vagina didn’t even want to go downstairs. But her brain was in charge. Mostly. “What’s the twist?”
“You’ll spend the entire meeting sitting on my lap and I’ll feed you.”
She rolled her eyes because that was so not happening. “My brother is down there, Jesse. Don’t be ridiculous. That’s stupid.”
“And that’s ten,” he growled in her ear. “Do you want them over my lap now or do you want to wait until tonight and I’ll make the punishment public?”
“Punishment?”
“Punishment. I gave you a choice and you were rude to me. No more being rude to me. I’m not rude to you. If I am, you can spank me, but I assure you I won’t be. I’m a Western male and you’re my lady. I’ll treat you with respect.”
“I’m not your lady.” She meant that to come out with a strong, resounding command. Instead, it came out with a little whimper because his hand ran over her breast and squeezed slightly, just enough to make her soften and moan.
Fire threatened to spread through her as he took her right earlobe between his teeth and gently bit down. “That’s another ten because you’re lying.”
“Jesse, this can’t work.” She tried to focus on anything but how good it felt to be held against his body. She looked down at the street. The same van she’d seen before was slowly making its way around again. Must be lost. She was rapidly getting lost, too.
“And that’s another ten. I think I’ll spank the pessimism out of you.” He licked along the shell of her ear while he cupped her breasts. “You’re my girl. I simply haven’t shown you what that means yet. I meant what I said. I don’t care what happens, I won’t leave you alone again. You gave yourself to me last night. I won’t let you take it back because you got a little afraid.”