by Lucy Diamond
‘I suppose,’ Nell said, nodding.
There was a silence while Lisa uncorked the bottle and poured three generous glasses full.
Nell took the glass Lisa handed her and held it up. ‘Cheers anyway. To all of our futures. Whatever’s around the corner – let’s hope it’s something exciting.’
‘Definitely,’ said Josie, raising hers. Let’s hope it’s Rose, she thought immediately, a hand stealing around to her belly. That would be the best kind of excitement.
Nell started talking rather more enthusiastically about the places she still wanted to visit – Sumatra and Zanzibar and Guatemala and a great long list of others – and Josie’s thoughts drifted homeward. Excitement wasn’t exactly something that her family did in spades, she realized, sipping her wine. She and Pete had been a lot more reckless before they’d had kids but now they existed in a safety chamber. They holidayed in the south of France now, or Cornwall, rather than anywhere tropical that required jabs or malaria tablets. Week in, week out, it was work for Pete, and playgroup, swimming lessons, gym club and trips to the park for her and the boys. Sunday dinner at the in-laws’. Maybe a child’s party to go to. It was all very … pedestrian, really. No excitement whatsoever.
Josie took a larger slug of her wine and leaned back in her chair, listening as Nell talked about the wide African skies she’d camped under, the vibrant coral reefs she’d scuba-dived, the noise and smells and bustle of her favourite market in India …
She was envious, she realized. She’d come here this weekend feeling as if she had the perfect life all wrapped up, but suddenly she was starting to doubt her conviction. There she’d been at lunchtime, worrying that her friends might think her smug, that they might covet her life, her husband and children. Now she wondered if they actually pitied her for taking the motherhood path while they’d flung themselves into adventures and professional triumphs instead.
She had nothing to contribute to this conversation, she thought helplessly, no adventures of her own to report. She couldn’t join in knowledgably when Lisa spoke about boardroom dramas. She couldn’t add anecdotes to Nell’s travelling stories. Her life had become so safe, so predictable, so boring in comparison! She’d been somebody’s wife, somebody’s mum for too long, lost her sparkly Josieness, lost her bottle …
She sipped her wine again. Still, it wasn’t too late to change things, was it? She didn’t have to spend the rest of her life like this. Now that the boys were older, maybe she and Pete could afford to be more impulsive, take a few risks? Maybe they could all go on an adventure together!
She grinned to herself. Yes. She’d suggest it. They should definitely break out of the safety chamber and go somewhere exciting before Rose was born. That way, next time she and her friends met up, she’d have tales of her own to tell again, wouldn’t she?
Chapter Four
‘Smile!’
Josie beamed into the camera and blinked in the flash that followed. She, Lisa and Nell were the only people left in the Italian restaurant now and their waiter had taken a break from pointedly sweeping up around their table to snap a photo of them with Nell’s camera.
‘Thanks. That’s one for the family album,’ Nell said, winking at him. ‘Could we have the bill, please?’
‘I’ll get this,’ Lisa said, skimming through a wedge of credit cards in a smart Mulberry wallet. ‘My treat.’
‘As if,’ Nell said, planting a twenty-pound note in the centre of the table. ‘We should be treating you, for being our hostess with the mostest tonight.’
Lisa batted away Nell’s money. ‘You two paid train fares to come to London,’ she countered. ‘So this can be my contribution.’
Besides, I’m loaded and this paltry bill is nothing to me, a nasty little voice added in Josie’s head. ‘Well, we’ll pay for the cab back,’ she said quickly, trying to shut out her uncharitable thoughts. ‘Won’t we, Nell?’
‘Cab back? We haven’t started yet,’ Lisa said in surprise. ‘I thought we were going clubbing after this!’
Josie gulped. The thought of going to a hot sweaty club now, where you had to shout over the pounding music to make yourself heard and where everyone was fifteen years younger than her (and better groomed, and in sexier clothes), and where it cost a fiver for a single drink … Oh God! She really really didn’t want to go clubbing! But there was no way she could say that in front of the other two. No way! If Nell had the stamina to go on somewhere too, then Josie would just have to bite the bullet and join them.
She turned to Nell, trying to keep the desperation from her eyes.
‘Do you really want to?’ Nell asked Lisa. ‘Only … I was kind of wondering about getting some chocolate and having a cup of tea in our PJs back at yours, Lise. Like the good old days …’
‘Josie? How about you?’ Lisa asked.
Josie felt a wave of relief. ‘Chocolate and PJs have my vote too,’ she said apologetically, standing up to get her coat. ‘Sorry, Lise – is that really boring of us?’
‘No! Course not!’ Lisa said. The waiter came over and she handed him her credit card. ‘Put it all on there,’ she instructed.
‘Well, we’ll definitely pay for the cab then,’ Josie said. ‘And all the chocolate.’
Nell shrugged on her jacket. ‘And that alone will be a small fortune, if I’ve got anything to do with it,’ she laughed.
Once Lisa had paid, they strolled out of the restaurant, arm in arm. As well as aching feet and a feeling of having drunk far too much for one day, there was another reason Josie wanted to go back to Lisa’s – to check for messages. She’d called home a couple more times that evening, only to keep getting her own answerphone. Pete’s mobile had been switched off too, every time she’d tried it. Where were they?
Josie kept telling herself that everything was sure to be fine, they’d just got caught up having a great time somewhere or other and hadn’t managed to call her, but it felt horrible, not being able to say good-night to the boys.
She slipped her arm out of Nell’s and checked her mobile again for messages as they walked – ahh, and there was a text from Pete. At last! She must have missed the phone’s bleep when it came through. She read it quickly.
Sorry – missed yr calls. All fine. See u tomorrow.
All fine. Thank goodness. Oh, thank goodness! It was only then that she realized how much she’d been worrying about them, how tense she’d felt. She tried dialling his number but it switched straight to voicemail. Maybe he was having an early night. It was gone eleven now, after all.
She put the phone back in her bag, and took Nell’s arm again. ‘I am having such a good time,’ she blurted out, as she was flooded with joyful drunkenness. ‘I am so happy that I’m here with you two. My two best friends.’ For a second, she thought she might cry. ‘Life is great, isn’t it? Life is just great.’
Back at Lisa’s, Josie stepped out of her boots and sank into the sofa, massaging the balls of her feet thankfully. Lisa lit some stout white church candles on the mantelpiece and put on a CD. ‘We should really be drinking Baileys now if we’re going to indulge in the complete nostalgia trip,’ she said, ‘but I don’t know if I can face it. What does anyone else fancy? Tea? More wine?’
Josie bit off the end of a Twix and crunched it. ‘I could go another bottle of wine,’ she said. Hell, why not? Now that she was curled up on Lisa’s squashy sofa with chocolate melting in her mouth, and her bed only a stair-climb away, she could feel a second wind coming on. It wasn’t as if she had to drag herself out of bed to make the boys breakfast at six-thirty the next morning, after all. For once she could lie in bed until midday if she felt like it.
‘Go, Josie!’ Nell cheered. ‘Me too. Sorry, Lise, we should have picked up another bottle while we were out.’
‘No worries,’ Lisa said easily. ‘How about something bubbly? I’ve got some champers in the fridge. I meant to open it earlier but we ended up drinking all that red instead.’
‘Champagne would be just lush,’ Josie
said, resting her head on the back of the sofa. ‘Oh, Lise, do I have to go home tomorrow? Can’t I just come and live with you instead? I’ll do all your cooking and cleaning …’
Lisa laughed. ‘I’ll get some glasses,’ she said, and left the room.
Nell was staring into the candle flames from where she was curled up at the other end of the sofa. ‘Everything all right?’ Josie asked, nudging her with a foot.
Nell nodded. ‘Just thinking,’ she said, without looking at Josie.
‘About Gareth?’ Josie prompted before she could stop herself.
‘Kind of,’ Nell replied. She leaned against a cushion and closed her eyes. ‘It’s been a bit of a mad few weeks. I—’
She stopped abruptly as Lisa came back into the room with a fat green bottle misted with cold, and three champagne flutes clinking between her fingers. ‘Right – who wants to pop the cork?’ Lisa asked.
Josie flicked her eyes across to Nell, a little irritated that Lisa had come in at that second. She was sure Nell had been about to tell her more about Gareth and what had happened between them. Now the moment had gone. ‘You do it, Lise,’ she said. ‘I always get nervous it’s going to spurt everywhere.’
‘Said the actress to the bishop,’ Nell drawled, sitting up and opening her eyes. ‘Oh God, what am I going to do without sex?’ she moaned suddenly. ‘That’s the worst thing about breaking up with someone, those single nights with nobody to put their arms around you.’
‘Nell, it’s only been a week,’ Josie reminded her. ‘You might even be able to patch things up, you never know.’
‘Nah,’ Nell said, shaking her head. ‘No, I won’t. It’s over, that one.’
‘Sex is the easy part anyway, if you ask me,’ Lisa said, pulling the champagne cork out with a flourish. A thin wisp of vapour spiralled into the air, then vanished as she began pouring. ‘Getting the buggers to stay around the next morning, that’s the tricky bit.’
‘Sex isn’t everything,’ Josie put in. ‘If you must know, I’m really looking forward to sleeping on my own tonight, without Pete trying to pull my knickers off as soon as the lights go out.’
‘Oh, don’t, you’re making me feel worse,’ Nell groaned, taking the glass that Lisa was holding out. ‘Smug cow.’
‘I’m not being smug!’ Josie replied. ‘OK, so I’ve got it when I want it, but most of the time I don’t want it.’ She took the second glass of champagne from Lisa, and stared at the vertical lines of tiny bubbles rushing up to the surface, one after another. ‘And then I feel bad for not wanting it, like I’m letting him down, when I’m just so knackered all I want to do is shut my eyes.’ She leaned forward conspiratorially. ‘Once I even pretended I thought I’d caught nits off the boys to keep him away from me.’
‘Evil!’ Nell laughed, spluttering as she took a sip.
A small frown appeared between Lisa’s eyebrows. ‘I don’t get that,’ she confessed. ‘You’re married to him – but you never want to sleep with him?’ She gave a small hiccup. ‘Don’t you worry that he’ll just go off with someone else?’
Josie shook her head. ‘Absolutely not,’ she said firmly. ‘He’s not like that. No way.’ She took a mouthful of bubbles, enjoying the sensation of them fizzing on her tongue. ‘Anyway, I’m not saying I never want to sleep with him,’ she went on. ‘Sometimes I do really fancy him. It’s just …’ The sentence hung in the air, unfinished. It’s just that I only fancy him at certain times of the month, that’s all. Like, when he can make me pregnant. ‘Are we going to have a toast with this bubbly or what?’ she demanded, not wanting to discuss it any more.
‘Course,’ Nell said, raising her glass. ‘Cheers, ladies. Here’s to me forgetting all about Gareth and meeting somebody fabulous soon.’
‘Cheers,’ Lisa added. ‘Amen to that. And here’s to me meeting—’ Her BlackBerry started beeping urgently, and she rolled her eyes. ‘Sorry, guys, I’d better just get that.’
‘It’s almost midnight!’ Josie said in surprise. ‘Who’s going to be emailing you now?’
Lisa checked the screen. ‘Just another work thing from the States,’ she said, her fingers flashing over the keyboard. ‘I’ll be two minutes.’
‘Are you not allowed to have a life?’ Nell asked, exchanging raised-eyebrow glances with Josie. ‘Can’t you just tell them to sod off?’ She laughed. ‘You were right, I’d be sacked from your job within the hour, Lise,’ she said. ‘Me and my bad attitude. I couldn’t be doing with all that prisoner-of-my-own-technology stuff.’
Lisa pressed a button to send off her message and picked up her glass again. ‘Dahling, I’m so essential to their business, they can’t manage without me, even at weekends,’ she replied. ‘And don’t worry, I’m billing them for every minute. In fact, they just bought us another bottle of that vintage champers, so don’t knock it.’ She said the words jokily, but there was a kind of defensiveness in there as well, Josie thought, mentally backing away from the subject.
‘What were we talking about?’ Lisa went on breezily. ‘Oh yes, our sex lives.’ Her eyes rested on Josie. ‘Well, it sounds as if I’m the only one who’s getting my rocks off these days.’
Her words felt like an attack, and Josie blinked. ‘But you’re not in love,’ she countered before she could rein herself in. ‘And haven’t been for years, according to you. So I know what I’d rather have.’ Her reply came out sharper than she’d intended it to.
‘What, a loveless marriage, and two brats? No career, no life? Stuck out in Dullsville, with your wardrobe full of jeans and boring tops?’ Lisa’s words were sharper still, cutting right to the quick.
‘They’re not brats!’ Josie cried, her voice rising in indignation. ‘And it’s not a loveless marriage!’ she added hastily.
‘That’s not what I heard,’ Lisa muttered.
Nell held up her hands. ‘God, calm down, you two! It’s not a competition!’ she said.
‘What do you mean, that’s not what you heard?’ Josie demanded, ignoring Nell. She could feel the blood surging around her at Lisa’s criticisms. ‘Who’s been saying that, then?’
Lisa looked tired suddenly. Her make-up was smudged, her top was crumpled and her hair had lost its sheen. ‘Oh, nobody,’ she said, waving a hand as if in surrender. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Below the belt.’
‘Yes,’ agreed Josie, stung, ‘it was.’ Way below the belt – below the bikini line, actually – and totally out of order. ‘And they’re not brats!’ she felt like saying again. She knew Lisa didn’t particularly like kids – she hadn’t been interested in Josie’s two from the start – but to call them that, when she didn’t even know them … It was a swipe too far. She shook her head angrily.
The CD ended and there was an uneasy silence in the room. ‘This is still about Nick, isn’t it?’ Josie burst out, unable to stop herself. ‘You still carry a grudge! Just because he fancied me, not you. Just because I went out with him, not you. Admit it, Lisa. You’ve always held it against me.’
‘No!’ Lisa protested, but her cheeks were flushed. ‘This has nothing to do with Nick. That was years ago.’
‘Exactly,’ Josie said. ‘Which is why I can’t believe you’re still resentful about it now, after all this time.’
‘I am not resentful!’ Lisa shouted.
That silence again. Josie didn’t know where to look. The truth was, she had always felt bad about what had happened with Nick, even though it was going back ten years at least. Nick had been Lisa’s friend originally, she’d met him through the legal firm where she’d worked. He had been one of the junior lawyers there, and he and Lisa had had a few post-work drinks where they’d gossiped about their colleagues and compared notes, but nothing more had happened.
Josie could tell that Lisa wanted more, though. It was nothing specific she’d said about him, but Josie had noticed a particular look in her eyes, a little smile playing around her mouth whenever she mentioned Nick’s name. And then, almost overnight it had seemed, Lisa – who’d
always been a bit of a scruff back then – had started wearing perfume to work, had taken to spending ages applying her make-up first thing instead of slouching in front of GMTV with a coffee, had revamped her wardrobe and hair … Josie had known it had been for Nick’s benefit. It was screamingly obvious that Lisa had a fullblown whopper of a crush on him.
A month or so later, it was Lisa’s birthday and she’d organized a pub get-together for Saturday night. She’d invited Nick and a couple of others from her work along, and Josie and Nell were both nosily looking forward to meeting them, especially Nick. What Josie hadn’t counted on, though, was the overwhelming whoomph of lust she’d experienced when she’d seen him come in through the door. It was like a match dropped in petrol, the suddenness of it, the heat and intensity.
Nick was something special. He sparkled with charisma. He walked into a room, and people noticed him. He was sexy without seeming to know it, carried himself with an effortless kind of grace. He had strolled straight up to Josie at the bar and given her such an easy, friendly grin that she’d literally had to hold tight to the wooden ledge to stop herself keeling over.
Less than two hours later, she was back at his flat, being shagged senseless, tingling from head to toe with lust.
Lisa had never said anything – anything at all – about Josie and Nick leaving her birthday do so blatantly early. And when Josie had returned to the girls’ flat the following morning, bright-eyed and loved up, it only took one glance at Lisa’s face to give her the guilty feeling of having trespassed on her friend’s property.
Lisa had barely commented on Josie and Nick’s relationship, even when it had progressed to a serious thing lasting over a year. But the gleam had faded from her eyes, Josie noticed. The post-work drinks ended abruptly, to Nick’s surprise. (He, being a bloke, hadn’t got a clue about Lisa’s feelings, of course.) The make-up was toned down, the skirts went back into her wardrobe and her boring trouser suits reappeared. Lisa threw herself into her blossoming career as if it were the only thing that mattered. And Nick had always been the unspoken, taboo subject that stood between them, even after all these years.